❤️

[Twinkletoes88]

My NPDm sent me a sum of money just over a week ago. I have no idea where she got it from or why she sent it to me, but she did and I've posted about that separately. I've been trying to tell myself that it's really, really important that the money doesn't change anything and that it doesn't make me act differently i.e. see her or contact her more than I ordinarily would because that would send the total opposite message to the one I'm trying to send - that money does NOT mean control or power and that her "no strings" gift needs to mean no strings. No guilt, no obligation etc etc.

Anyway, Saturday night a week and a day later I'm at a party and I check my phone about 10pm to find a message from her. It's somwhow always a shock to see her name on my phone and I dread what it's going to say. This time it was simply a red heart emoji.

I know this sounds like a weird thing to say, but what does that mean do you think? Like, what was the intention behind that? It's so out of character and it's not like her to send emojis like that, it's weird. Is it her way of reminding me she's there? Of saying she "loves" me?

I know I'm probably reading too much into it but that's what I'm like when it comes to her. Recently it feels she's trying so many different tactics I never know what she's going to do next or why. Does that make sense?

I've said this before on here but it's Mother's Day soon in the UK and I'm dreading it. I always dread it but this year it feels harder because we have contact now which we didn't last year, but it is very low and very superficial. I've set so many boundaries over the last year and I rarely speak or see her. Maybe once every 6 weeks or so. My sister has said they are all going for a big family meal with grandparents etc and I won't go to that because I don't want to see my mother's husband and also because I don't want to sit there and pretend to celebrate my mother's mothering skills - which like like most people's PD parent's, were non-existent.

I feel like she's feeling sad and sorry for herself over my complete disinterest in her and her life and I feel like saying "now you know how I felt all of my childhood". Not out of payback but out of honesty. No I'm not really interested and no I don't really think about you or want to see you/miss you because this is what happens when you make a child feel like a worthless burden all her life. She grows up and doesn't want or need you. It's a consequence.

Raaa. Sorry. Rant over.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 



I think your last paragraph nails it, personally. Yup. Your behavior towards her is a consequence. The emoji is all about her, of course. And what a lazy Hoover, might I add. Insulting, as they all are, but man. Can't even come up with a "Love you, hope you're having a good night." I'd put money on crap like that drying up after Mother's Day. Care to wager £1000? 

Have you already declined the Mother's Day meal directly to your mother? If not this might be a good time to do that. Without a reciprocal heart emoji. "Oh, mom. Forgot to mention I won't be at the Mother's Day thing sis is hosting." Ignore all subsequent wailing. But this 100% does not require a response. It might be empowering to indirectly call her out on her BS. You see through her. She'll hate that but there's not a dang thing she can do. Hoovers get her reinforced boundaries. Best she learn that.

[Twinkletoes88]

I think your last paragraph nails it, personally. Yup. Your behavior towards her is a consequence. The emoji is all about her, of course. And what a lazy Hoover, might I add. Insulting, as they all are, but man. Can't even come up with a "Love you, hope you're having a good night." I'd put money on crap like that drying up after Mother's Day. Care to wager £1000? 

Have you already declined the Mother's Day meal directly to your mother? If not this might be a good time to do that. Without a reciprocal heart emoji. "Oh, mom. Forgot to mention I won't be at the Mother's Day thing sis is hosting." Ignore all subsequent wailing. But this 100% does not require a response. It might be empowering to indirectly call her out on her BS. You see through her. She'll hate that but there's not a dang thing she can do. Hoovers get her reinforced boundaries. Best she learn that.

Firstly, I've never seen that emoji and literally think its the best thing everrrrrrrrrrr HA! that has really made me laugh 

Yes you are right actually, that really is a lazy hoover isn't it? Not even any words LOL I am clearly worth it 

No I haven't because I haven't actually been invited yet - and I probably won't be because they all know I won't go anywhere that he is.  I won't need to turn it doubt I don't think - though if she did ask (she would be stupid to) I would happy tell her no thanks.  Not worried about that bit.  x

[SunnyMeadow]

Sounds like a poke to see if you'll reply or like you said, reminding you she's there 

My mom would never send that sort of thing but would send a text picture of a thread on the floor. So then I'd text back to ask ??  It was her type of conversation starter. She'd certainly never say "Hi SunnyMeadow! Been thinking about you! How have you been?" 

[moglow]

I look at it as throwing out bait, seeing what gets a nibble from you. I think the $$ was also bait. Granted she's not likely to see it that way - I'm sure if you asked she's just checking on you, touching base, "I'm not allowed to think about or do something nice for my child now???" Tune up the orchestra and enter the whinefest. I guarantee she has expectations.

And excellent observation, btw, her efforts right now aren't likely coincidental. She wouldn't be the first to see playing nice as down payment for your expected participation in upcoming holiday festivities.


As an old friend on the boards would say - a hoover doesn't work if you don't plug it in.

[Twinkletoes88]

Sounds like a poke to see if you'll reply or like you said, reminding you she's there 

My mom would never send that sort of thing but would send a text picture of a thread on the floor. So then I'd text back to ask ??  It was her type of conversation starter. She'd certainly never say "Hi SunnyMeadow! Been thinking about you! How have you been?" 

Nooo, literally a photo of a thread? That's so funny! Why? Why can't they just say something? It's odd! My mum usually opts dor something like "hi hunni hows you?" But genuinely I think we've run out of empty, pointless conversation now lol. I last saw her about a month ago and neither of us has suggested meeting up again since which is nice and longer than usual, she usually starts asking by now. I think she's probably holding out for me to suggest seeing her for Mother's Day 

[JustKat]

I look at it as throwing out bait, seeing what gets a nibble from you. I think the $$ was also bait.

My NPDm died five years ago and never had a smartphone, never got into texting, but if she had I'm sure I also would have received things like that random heart emoji. I have to agree that it's bait. An emoji with no message attached is begging the recipient to text back and ask what is meant by it. It sounds like a ploy to get you to engage.

My Nmother always used money as bait too. Never a card or letter, never a thoughtfully chosen gift. Always money.

I think, in her world, money was everything. She envied people with wealth and power and longed to have friends with money and position. She projected that onto me even though I was the total opposite. Sure, I always needed money, but what I really wanted from my parents was their love. Instead, every hoovering attempt came in the form of a check, usually with a note attached with some brief sentence like ... "thought you could use this for your house." I tore every up check they ever sent me. I knew if I cashed them I'd be smeared as an ungrateful brat who only wanted them for their money. It was HARD to tear up a check when I really needed it, but I know I'm better off for not taking the bait.

Recently it feels she's trying so many different tactics I never know what she's going to do next or why. Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense. When I went NC with my NPBm she threw everything at the wall to see what would stick. New tactics would emerge all the time, all designed to make me wonder what she was up to so I'd be lured back in out of curiosity. Thankfully I had forums like this where I could ask others "WTF is she doing?" I always got good answers that validated my suspicions.

Your final sentence really does tell it all, and I agree, ignoring her needs isn't payback, it's a matter of "what goes around comes around."

And I agree about that hoovering emoji. Best thing ever!

[practical]

yes, bait, hoover, a guilt trip in the shape of a heart emoji and some $ signs. There is another word for it, which is usually only used in the context of dating: "love bombing" - giving all kinds of attention to manipulate you.

This might be worthwhile reading, a different perspective can be interesting and helpful I have found.
https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7

[Juniperberry]

If anyone besides my spouse were to text me a random heart emoji, I'd assume they'd mistakenly butt dialed me.  It's the most logical explanation.  I doubt that's what really happened here, but feel free to tell yourself that's what it was, because that is what the communication most suggests on the surface. 
❤️❤️❤️  (kidding!)

[WomanInterrupted]

With Mothers' Day coming up, I think she's hinting that she expects some serious butt-smooching!   

I'd stick to whatever you had planned - and if that was nothing more than a simple text, wishing her a happy MD, that's what I'd do.   

Just because she gave you money and is now hoovering and love-bombing you, doesn't mean  you *should* deviate from your original plans.  I think it's a strong incentive to stick to them, no matter what.   

Watch how fast all the hoovering and love-bombing comes to an abrupt stop, and her more crotchety and demanding side returns.   

Ah, life on Planet PD - where nothing is ever as it appears.   

[Twinkletoes88]

yes, bait, hoover, a guilt trip in the shape of a heart emoji and some $ signs. There is another word for it, which is usually only used in the context of dating: "love bombing" - giving all kinds of attention to manipulate you.

This might be worthwhile reading, a different perspective can be interesting and helpful I have found.
https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7

thank you so much for sending that article. After I read that one, I went on to read about another five hundred and this probably seems REALLY obvious to you guys, but OMG it was love bombing wasn't it?  The money, the "I love you, you are my daughter" messages, then the red love heart!!!

It's actually been really helpful to read because on some level her "love bombing" did make me feel confused and guilty and they did make me question myself and feel like maybe she's realising, maybe she's changing (even if on another I know better than that).  Reading up about love-bombing has helped me to see that no, she just wants my attention back on her and she thinks that these gifts, gestures, money whatever are all going to do that.  Well they are not.  It is FARRRRR too late.  Also I was interested to see in black and white that these people (npd/PD/toxic) withdraw their affection in punishment and then love-bomb - seems to explain why she showed me absolutely NO interest during my wedding but suddenly the last month or so is sending love you's and money and red hearts....... blowing hot and cold.  Trying to love-bomb and hoover and then punishing. 

One thing that is really clear to me today is how much her approval used to mean to me and I can really *see* the dynamic at play from a distance.  The love you's and the hearts etc would have had me delirious.  In fact, I admit that she once gave me a large sum of money and I burst into tears with happiness about how she loved me (gackkk) and how I had got her all wrong and felt SO guilty.  WOW.  I've come a long way since then even if I still get a little confused on the way. 

I will not be doing anything for MD that I wouldn't have done before the money, or the messages or the heart (LOL).  In fact, I may do LESS just to ensure I send the right message loud and clear. 

I just keep thinking to myself, she feels sorry for herself that I am not interested in her but that is how I felt my entire childhood so suck it up .

[practical]

Happy this was helpful to you. We all get confused, we all want to be loved especially by our parents, so when we get signs of "love" we don't quite know what to think anymore, and that is the point of these tokens of love.

As for change, real change, somewhere in the Glossary it says, that change is only real if it lasts for 6-12 months. So if you M has only treated you with respect, kindness and love a year from now, she might actually have changed. IME it never lasted for more than a few weeks.

Good luck and keep your boundaries nicely in place for Mother's Day.

[daughter]

Great hoover emoji!

I agree, your mom's hoovering you in anticipation of Mother's Day, the two things seem linked, and she's trying to provoke contact from you, likely seeking an enthusiastic "thanks mom, you're the greatest!!" for the cash gift, to twist it into a M Day greeting.

[Twinkletoes88]

Great hoover emoji!

I agree, your mom's hoovering you in anticipation of Mother's Day, the two things seem linked, and she's trying to provoke contact from you, likely seeking an enthusiastic "thanks mom, you're the greatest!!" for the cash gift, to twist it into a M Day greeting.

What a joke! I mean, reaalllyyyyy?? Does MD mean that much to her?? being acknowledged? being celebrated? Thanked.... adored? Oh wait... she's a narc, of course she does!! 

[Indivisible]

 Woo hoo Twinkletoes88 and congrats on your healing process! I am personally celebrating my times and moments of clarity when I can notice the NPD's behavior in my life and attribute it to them and not me :-) Perhaps in the near future you will look back  and really take note of how far you have come in your process :-) Both of my NPD parents have passed, so I only have their behavior to look back on and not currently experiencing my own life. For me, and the current NPD's in my life, I think I would for them to be in therapy working on their issues to expect any change in their behavior. I just don't think people "turn over a new leaf" when they have this sort of serious thing going on with their personalities that is so entrenched. But to be honest with you, I just don't know.   Ha ha I think you should take that $ and throw big party for yourself to celebrate you.  I say this with a smile on my face I think that you Discussed and had other thoughts about this $  - I just think that you should celebrate yourself!

[artfox]

ID'ing this a love bombing is so eye-opening for me. My M does this too. I'll do something nice--not over the top or anything, just basic helpful stuff--and she gushes over it. Tells me how I'm so wonderful and kind and insightful and blahblahblah. And it makes me super uncomfortable. And angry.

Twinkletoes, I love what you said about not taking an interest in her life. I've been struggling with that--feeling guilty because it seems like I should be more engaged and involved. But yeah, she wasn't when I was a kid, and she really isn't even that interested now. So good reminder that I don't need to feel guilty about it. Thank you!

[Twinkletoes88]

ID'ing this a love bombing is so eye-opening for me. My M does this too. I'll do something nice--not over the top or anything, just basic helpful stuff--and she gushes over it. Tells me how I'm so wonderful and kind and insightful and blahblahblah. And it makes me super uncomfortable. And angry.

Twinkletoes, I love what you said about not taking an interest in her life. I've been struggling with that--feeling guilty because it seems like I should be more engaged and involved. But yeah, she wasn't when I was a kid, and she really isn't even that interested now. So good reminder that I don't need to feel guilty about it. Thank you!

I know it's just an obvious reflection, but thinking that way the last week or so has really helped me! I struggled with guilt so badly. My NPDm doesn't even acknowledge my husband and stepchildren exist, so she's still not showing any interest in my life now - my therapist says the guilt and shame we carry it's just their projection and we need to "give it back". That's really helped me lately!! I'm really pleased it hasn't helped you x