reverting to old behavior or working on me?

[Poison Ivy]

My ex will be at my house at times during the next few weeks.  He has finally been freed from what I call his voluntary servitude -- being his parents' full-time, 24/7, 365 days per year caregiver -- by his parents' deaths in quick succession this fall.  Our children will be in state for the holidays, and everyone (including me) thinks it's a good idea for them to see their dad. It's easier for me and them logistically and much more comfortable for them if they don't have to go to the house where ex lived with his parents, because it's a borderline hoarding situation.

So, when we still lived together (while the children were at home, before ex deserted us to take care of his parents), the house was rarely tidy.  I take equal responsibility for that.  I don't like to clean, and I felt overwhelmed with parenting and with marriage-related stress. Now, while the house is still not spic-and-span, it's tidier. I'm sure it's much neater and cleaner than ex's abode.

But I feel anxious this weekend, and I've realized that it's because I think I should clean up even more before ex visits.  Why?  Am I feeling competitive, either with him or for our children's admiration? I'd appreciate your thoughts about reasons and your suggestions for settling myself.  Thanks.

Edited to add:  I don't want to go no contact. But nor do I want to get married to him again, as he suggested, within one hour of his mom's death last weekend. He thinks I "won" in the divorce by getting the house; I think he "won" in the divorce by dumping on me the house and all associated costs and responsibilities.

[StayWithMe]

If you feel like doing it, do it.  I always say even if you are motivated to do the right thing for the wrong reasons, just do it anyway.  You may be motivated to show up your ex.  Or may be to do right by your children. Or to prove something to yourself.

Being naturally neat is a valuable skill and a gift to oneself.  And to pass that on to your children is a real gift.  If you read some of these dating boards, both men and women despair of potential partners who cannot pick up after themselves.

I wish that I were neater myself.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, StayWithMe.

[mdana]

I agree with StayWithMe!

Cleaning up more -- is not a bad thing ... not a toxic behavior (assuming you aren't talking about mommy dearest OCD).  If you did it, perhaps the anxiety around it would dissipate, then you will feel more relaxed for the visit? Maybe the "real" reason is not fully known yet...but, you will find out. 

I feel it's also normal (after a split/divorce) to want to prove to ourselves and others that we are better than before...that we have grown...and are capable of growth.  If that were the case, I don't see any harm in it.


I hope things go well during your visit!
M

[GettingOOTF]

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to want to clean up more before someone comes over, regardless of who that person is.

For me personally I see that when I’ve been depressed, frustrated or felt trapped I have not cleaned. I too used to hate cleaning. It was a kind of point of pride that people take me as they found me. For me, and again I’m only speaking for myself, my outside environment has pretty much always matched my inside. I only saw this as I healed. Now I take care of my home and my body. Both those things are now on my list of things I require in a partner and in friends as I’ve really seen that if you don’t take care of your home and body you don’t take care of your relationships.

I also grew up in a messy home and didn’t learn how to take care of my environment until I was in my 40s. It’s a constant struggle and is one of the things I feel actual resentment towards my parents about, both for not caring enough to provide a neat home and for normalizing this way of living. I see my siblings battle with this too. The youngest is blind to clutter and dirt, the middle one has been treated for OCD as she obsessively cleans.

For me wanting to clean and have a neat home is a sign of my healing and integrating into society more.

[hhaw]

Cleaning, for me, is walking meditation, esp when people are coming over, or the holidays are around the corner.   

Use that anxiety,  set a time, and knock out X number of minutes or hours cleaning in each area.  I say set a timer, bc you can determine what's reasonable, and doable FOR YOU ahead of time.

Do this FOR YOU, not for everyone else.  Create some sacred, clutter-free, sunny space to enjoy your holiday with your children.  This doesn't have to be for the ex.  You deserve clean uncluttered space too.   You're worthy: )

Do you ever think about getting back together with him?

[Poison Ivy]

hhaw, I have thought about it in the sense, "I could but should I?" and so far, the answer always has been "no." I think the answer will continue to be "no." We get along okay, but there is no physical attraction (at least on my end; he has hygiene issues), and I'm very averse to sharing finances with him again. 

[hhaw]

Now you're out, I'm glad you see the advantages. 

I hope your holiday goes well.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you again for the support on this forum.

The cleaning up and clearing out continue.  I hired someone to remove some junk from the basement and haul it away. This feels good for a few reasons:  1) Merely getting anything done can feel like a struggle sometimes. Being able to check off something, anything, on my to-do list feels good. 2) I am setting a good example for other people struggling with stuff. My ex now is being expected to clean up and clear out his late parents' house.  If I were to say anything to him about his big task while not dealing with the stuff in my house, I would feel like a hypocrite. 3) Ex has an aversion to paying people to do things, even things he can't do himself. It feels good to help the economy by paying someone to do this task.

[hhaw]

Hear, hear to dancing in clear sunny spaces, PI.

I hope you don't have to worry about the IL's house.  That's not on your plate, right?

It's going to be OK.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't have to worry about ILs' house.  I have some desire to reassure our children about their father.  They have said things like, "Oh, poor dad. What is he going to do now? Will he continue to be a hoarder? Will he ever get out of that house?" I don't want to say directly, "Children, that is  not your problem. He's a grown-up; he can figure this out." But I want to convey that general message.

[NumbLotus]

I don't see anything wrong with that.

"I hope he can. But just as my problems are mine to solve, his are his to solve, so you don't need to worry about it kiddos."

[hhaw]

I'd say it flat out too.

"Kids, your dad is where he wants to be.  When he's ready to clean out that house, he'll clean out the house.  Until then, he's a grown up.  He'll be fine, and so will we.  Even if everything's not OK.... it's still OK."

Kids need to know there is no perfect outcome or way to do things.  We're all practicing, and working on ourselves... just like their dad is, and that's OK. 

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you.  I like these suggestions.

[GettingOOTF]

That's awesome about the junk being cleared.

I found my clutter so overwhelming. It's such a complex issue. I didn't grow up with much so I tend to hold on to things, then I wouldn't want to throw something out that I spent money on, or that was a gift. Then it all felt like such an overwhelming chore.

It's something I've been working on for a few years now. This year I got really serious about it. I describe it like the old peeling an onion. I do it in layers. In the beginning there is the obvious trash, then you come back later and get rid of something a little harder that's not trash but you never use or even liked. I went over the same areas multiple times. Today is did what feels like the hundredth pass through my closet. I got rid of 13 tops that don't fit, I don't wear or I was keeping to fix.

I can't do too much at once. It's a surprisingly emotional process. I wouldn't say it was traumatic as such, but it brings up a lot.

For me there is a lot of mourning for the life I thought I'd have when I got the item and for the time and money I lost etc.

What I have noticed is how other people react. I told someone I got rid of a chair I never ever sat in and that was cluttering up my small space. They got genuinely upset. This stuff triggers things for everyone.

It's awesome you are able to tackle it. I read a lot on the subject and follow the decluttering and minsgame tags on Instagram. Along with a few others in the subject.

[Poison Ivy]

The process has been emotional for me, too.  I've been mad at my ex for accumulating stuff, and I've been mad at him for leaving me.  When I'm thinking about the stuff that he left in the house for me to deal with, I sometimes have gotten so upset that I didn't want to deal with the stuff because I felt like that meant that he was "winning."

[hhaw]

As difficult as it is to edit the house of clutter I almost always feel better when it's done.

There's more room for living my life, finding and using those things bringing joy into our lives. 

It's easier to let things go if I thank them for their service, and know they'll bring someone else joy in the world. 

[Poison Ivy]

The guy I hired to haul some junk from the basement has come and gone.  It took him and a helper 30 minutes; the price was reasonable. It feels good to be continuing with the decluttering process.

[GettingOOTF]

I totally get the not wanting him to "win". I felt like that for a long time. It's so unfair and so frustrating. It's hard to talk about this with other people as it makes me sound so petty. It's great to have this group where people get it.

[Poison Ivy]

It feels good to have reached a level of acceptance such that it feels like a positive thing to spend $260 to have removed from the basement really big and unwieldy items that were there only because of my ex:  either he didn't want to throw them away or he wanted to "furnish" the basement. For a long time, the thought of spending ANY money to deal with what I consider to be his junk and his problem was very upsetting.