If I hear one more time.... !!

[Associate of Daniel]

I had a weird dream last night.

I was sitting a flute exam. The 2 elderly, lovely female examiners were known to me through my many years of study.

I played the pieces then waited for them to start the technical and aural components of the exam.

But instead they said they didn't need to hear them because they'd had word from (someone) that I'm a really lovely person so there was no need to do the complete exam.

I was frustrated in the dream.  One, I'm not THAT lovely and two, even if I was, it's not an excuse for me to be given special treatment etc..

Anyway, I sit here tonight remembering the dream and many conversations I've had over my 50 years of life in which people have told me I'm a lovely person and there's a husband out there somewhere for me etc etc..

Whilst I appreciate the compliments, it frankly drives me nuts.

I'm nothing special. I'm just as nice as most other people. I have my faults just like everyone else.  I'm just me.

And where's this husband they keep telling me about?  Where is there any marriable single man? Only God knows if there's a husband out there for me.

I don't need a husband to be complete, to be happy, to be secure. And to be honest, I'm not convinced that I want to remarry. I'm not hugely interested.

The fact that I'm complaining about people telling me I'm a lovely person surely says that I'm Not. That. Lovely.

Grrr.

Sorry.  I'm not in the best of moods.

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

I saw a meme that said something like  “I’m waiting for my soulmate to break into my house and declare his love” with a picture of a woman in her sofa watching Netflix.

If this is something you want then you need to take steps to find him. I know your said that you aren’t in to online dating but there are many faith based sites and I know people who’ve met those of their faith on “regular” sites.  This is where people meet these days, especially now. Once you are out of your 20s it’s hard to meet people organically.

No one needs someone else to be complete, it’s great that you recognize that.

I post this because you’ve posted on this topic  a few times so it seems like it’s something you are interested in but not sure how to go about it.

Since my divorce I’ve done a lot of things I never thought I’d want to do. I used to be very rigid in my views of how things should be. This kept me from a lot of happiness and growth in my life. I recognize this as part of my codependency and a large part of how I ended up in an abusive PD marriage.

Of course to be happy with someone else we first need to be happy in ourselves. I realized this after dating for a while and now I’m taking a break to work on me a bit more.

No one is “special”, everyone has their faults and everyone comes with their own baggage. We are all equally deserving of companionship if that’s what we seek, even those with PDs.

I have done a lot of work and actively seek to ensure my life is free from people with  PDs, history of  addiction, under employment and poor physical health. These are the deal breakers I’ve identified for myself. It narrows my pool but I know for me it’s better to be on my own than dealing with any of that. I know that the odds of me meeting my soulmate in the supermarket are slim so when I’m dating I put myself places where others looking to date are. Where I live and for my dating range that’s online.

I guess I’m saying that I’ve found that when I want something what has always worked is to go out and get it, especially when I don’t really want to.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Getting Out of the FOG.

I'm suitable chastened.

I think part of the problem is that I don't want to have to work that hard.

And probably I don't have a huge amount of confidence.

But I also am not really enthused about remarrying.

I'm more just venting about the fact that so many (well meaning) people seem to link someone's nice personality with a supposed consequence of a happy marriage.

I had someone say just the other day that I'm too nice to not get married. That it would be a waste!

Seriously?!

(That person is very dear to me and loves me very dearly, so I know they don't mean any ill by their statement.)

AOD

[Hopeful Spine]

I had someone say just the other day that I'm too nice to not get married. That it would be a waste!
Seriously?!

With all due respect - this is a crap statement.  I have spent the bulk of my life striving to be "nice" only to learn that I'm just as flawed as everyone else.  That I have private thoughts and behaviors  that make me very much not "nice".  I'd like to think that I'm worthy of love on all levels - not just when I'm "nice".

You've admitted that you don't want to work that hard.  Well then, maybe you are right where you need to be at the moment.  I'm struggling with switching churches.  I really do want to be part of a church family again but it's been hard researching different faiths, trying new places and getting up the courage to meet these different congregations.  A new church family is what I want but everything feels forced.

I finally decided to take a break and let God work His magic.  Which has been a relief.  But at the same time, when God nudges me again I will have to do the hard (for me anyway) work of showing up at a new place with the faith that it will work out - or not. 

I know that passively attending a church service is different from putting yourself out there to find a new partner. 

So maybe you are just waiting for someone who catches your interest hard enough that you will be inspired to put in the effort.

Or maybe it's time for you to be upfront with people and say, "You know what.  I'm pretty content with my life right now.  Maybe that is why I seem so "nice"."

[GettingOOTF]

I think part of the problem is that I don't want to have to work that hard.

I feel this so much. It’s pretty much how I feel about everything. It does seem to me that things come easier to everyone else and that I have to work so much harder and for lesser results.

I worked on this a bit in therapy. Some things simply don’t come naturally to me and relationships - friends, professional and romantic are the biggest area I struggle.

I also had no confidence. When I started dating I thought no one would want to be with me. I had my exes and my family’s voice in my head. Once I started dating I was shocked by how men responded to me. They seemed to genuinely enjoy my company, think I was smart, attractive, witty and a ton of fun. That was the opposite of how I felt and how I’d been told I was.

Like everyone I went on dates with in appropriate people at first and I have some stories to tell but the more I did it the more confident I got and the better I got at picking good people.  It’s like anything - we get better with practice.

Of course dating is also exhausting and it’s pretty much non-stop rejection on one level or another until it isn’t. I’ve met some great people, tried things and been to places I never would have on my own. Overall it’s been a very positive experience once I learned to laugh it off. I improved my conversation skills, learned what I do and don’t like, figured out how to “pitch”, how to read people and it helped in on numerous ways that have benefited me in other areas of my life. I found that giving up any expectations of him being The One helped me to relax and enjoy the experience.

It’s risky for those who are susceptible to PDs etc. as there are a lot of toxic people out there but like I said it’s helped me in so many ways. I’m much stronger and more confident now.

That comment about being “too nice not ...” is frankly BS. That person is projecting their stuff on to you.

We all walk different paths. We should do what feels right to us. Feeling scared is normal. Change it hard and I think people are at their most vulnerable when dating, particularly woman so it’s normal to feel apprehensive. You do what feels good to you.

[blacksheep7]

Hi AOD,

I can see your point and I agree!

It would get on my nerves too!  It's as if they ptiy you, feel sorry for you because you are single. 

The society, for the most part still views a a single woman alone has helpless IMO.

I remember NF, it bothered it when I was single in my fifties.  That period of my life was good, I was happy to be single after having x toxic relationships.  I was enjoying my freedom. 

My second bff is 68, has been single for ten years and plans on remaing that way.  She is happy and busy.

In today's world or maybe my world, I never know if I might fall back single one day.  I think I still have abandonment issues.

[Associate of Daniel]

It's funny.  A few months ago I realised that I no longer think of myself as married or single.

I'm just me. I'm not defined by the fact that I'm "single".

I just happen to not have a husband.

It's a bit like describing someone who has autism or another illness/condition/limitation.

We try not to say, "Fred is schizophrenic."  Instead we try to say, "This is Fred. He has schizophrenia."

They are a person first. And they happen to have xyz.

So maybe we shouldn't say, "Freda is single." (Or married).

Actually, why do we even go there?  Married/single status is irrelevant in most conversations and situations.

Sorry.  I'm rambling...

AOD

[Andeza]

Actually you're making a good point. Why is it that so many feel the need to tack relationship status onto a person in casual conversation? I could go on about why for women there is Miss vs Mrs and no same thing for men, but I'll leave that can of worms for another time. I usually only hear the relationship status tack on in conversation with what I call "Little old biddies" aka nosy, little old ladies.

As for lovely? I've only ever met perhaps three or four people in my life that I would call that. But I don't hold it against everybody else, because that level of nice is dang hard to get to.

But no, we are none of us defined by is/is not married. I would be annoyed were I in your shoes I believe.

[Associate of Daniel]

Ooo.  Miss/Mrs...Ms!!!

I know I'll likely offend some people here (sorry!), but I can't stand Ms.

I know it shouldn't have a connotation but for me, (my generation? My culture? My social sphere?) it did for the first 20+ years of my life. And it stuck.

It strongly says that you were married and now you're not = divorced.

You can't go back to Miss (poor little old AOD. She never married. What's wrong with her?)

You can't stay Mrs. (Where's Mr AOD? They're divorced? She shouldn't call herself Mrs.)

Become a Ms - (She's divorced.  Ooo. Not good.)

But I unfortunately can't think of an alternative.

Maybe we should all become Ms, or an alternative, when we turn 18. (Like Masters (boys) become Mr, and we should stay Ms when we marry.

FYI, I've kept my title Mrs and my married name, simply to make things easier for ds. It's also helped when his uNPD smother tries to  make out that she's his mum. (Or near as.)

But I can't wait to go back to my married name. It's a far nicer name.

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

Reading this made me realize that I can't remember the last time I had to use Mrs. etc.

There doesn't seem to be the focus on it that there was years ago. At work everyone refers to each other by their first name, kids I know call me by my first name. I don't see it on applications any more.

The only time I really see it is on bridal shower pictures on Instagram.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm not Mrs Anybody. I'm Spark. Well, the more mannerly kids did used to say Mrs. I didn't insist on it. But they're grown. I'm ma'am all over the place, but first I was an emergency dispatcher and now I'm an inspector so I'm used to it.
I can't think that anyone has ever attached my relationship status to anything. I would probably be burned up, though, say if I lost h and folks started doing so.
I never knew Ms was a divorced thing, I always thought it rather convenient.

[1footouttadefog]

I married young so did not experience this get married crap. I do however see it playing out with my oldest DD. She is 20 and ever since 25 it's been all about do you have a boyfriend's, I bet the boys really like you, you don't have any trouble with the boys do you etc etc.  Now she is in college and people are asking about if she is finding husband prospects or boyfriend to marry etc.  Or saying they know a handsome man she could be introduced to as if she wants help. 

I used to feel the same way about people telling me I needed to have kids. 

We did not have our first pregnancy until we were married 15 years.  There was an eternal unlimited supply,  it seemed , of people getting into that topic.  I can remember being at a thrift sale at a church carnival weekend and a woman I did not know who shopped at the grocery store where my husband worked came over and discussed sexual positions that would increase my odds of getting pregnant. 

Somewhat shocked, yet being a smart ass I gave her some rope to run with before hanging her so to speak. I then started questioning her,  in front of her support posse of church ladies all apparently on a mission to replenish the earth, about things like delayed ejaculation and if felatio or manual stimulation were best suited to deal with that, and wondered it it was a sin if he quit before he finished the job and if it was sinful if he had a dream that spilled seed or if I did when applying various helps.  I enquired if that was not indeed what the word helpmate means. I asked if I was okay to ask him to go to part time so we could work on it more. Maybe I could work two jobs or get a sponsor.  Of if like Sarah (Abrams wife), I could get a helper and that with legalities the surrogate could more easily be a man. How I kept a straight face I don't know, I must have been angry.

At some point they realized the error of their medling and that they had picked the wrong "victim" as I "innocently" took them way out of their comfort zone which was in my opinion way beyond the norm.  Perhaps when a church has a celibate leader who tells everyone to have lots of babies, the vibe sets the stage for altered boundaries.

Having talked about sex, in a church hall, full of neighbors, with a posse of rich doctors' and lawyers wives' wearing tennis skirts and shorts that contrasted overly made up surgery tightened faces and boney chicken necks with spray tanned crepey/leathery arm and leg skin may have set fertility back by several years. Lol

[2_exhausted]

I have never been married...yet people say the same thing to me, and I am thinking...highly unlikely....I work as a nurse, 95% female, I really do not go out, my co workers are in their Kare 20s - mid 30s.
Where is my magical man coming from? Unless I bump into someone walking my dog!
ExN started cheating with a woman he went to high school with...and then went back...I think men are lazy...whatever is the easiest...going back to an ex, is easier than finding someone new...it is what he has done his whole life as I know his relationship pattterns,

[Associate of Daniel]

I thought I'd resurrect this thread with an update.

Ironically (thankfully?) the 2nd part of the statement I was complaining about, is no longer being mentioned.

So I'm still a lovely person (apparently) but it appears that people have given up on me having a future relationship/marriage.

I guess I am now over 50, after all...

I'm not sure how I feel about this change in conversation. Relief or depression.

AOD

[11JB68]

I've come to feel that marriage is overrated... and find it frustrating that our culture/ society etc indoctrinated everyone to feel we all must couple with another human for.life.
Why?
I feel like so many people would be happier on their own / free

[Associate of Daniel]

I am actually quite content on my own.  Just every now and then a companion would be nice, and some logistical help with things like car servicing and being home for tradespeople.

AOD

[feralcat]

I'm so glad you resurrected this thread, AoD !
I got to hate that label 'nice'. Everybody used to call me nice.
As this was in the bad old days before I came Out of the FOG, it actually meant vulnerable, doormat, people pleaser.
So , great, I am not longer that 'nice'. I'm still kind though, and empathic. But also clear sighted and ...a bit wary ?

As to the married bit, I've been married twice. Once in my 'nice' period, during which I allowed myself to be treated abysmally..because I mistakenly thought that being a nice person would win through in the end I.e he would change. I ended up divorced, thinking that there was either something wrong with me or that nice people get nowhere in life.

I was determined to stay happily single forever after that, but then fell into the trap of becoming my present husbands 'rescuer' ? Ps we both realise that now. I still am the motherly half. However we've been married 22 years now.
I'd like to state that it hasn't been easy. Lots of hard work and compromise, mainly on my side. But on the other hand he's stuck in there with my period of change as I came Out of the FOG. He doesn't really get the CPTSD issue, but he hasn't run a mile. And I can't be the easiest person to understand, given my trauma background.

My siblings are of course also products of the same dysfunction. 4 of 7 are now single. And they're not young. I've heard several say along the way how 'lucky' people are to have partners ( I.e. Me ). But relationships are never anything to do with luck ! .Plus looking for pretty unrealistic characteristics in possibles. Never how they themselves could compromise or change. Maybe age is why they seem to have stopped now? I'm glad. For their sakes.

Tbh being single can be lonely, sometimes, but unhappy periods in a relationship feel doubly so. I used to have loads of friends when I was single. Far fewer now. Harder to just go out when you want to. Always thinking of the other person. Or them presuming they can tag along 

1 Foot your comment is hilarious. I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall ! Your descriptions are amazing. I can visualise them, all stretched faces and short skirts (yuk)

[Boat Babe]

This is a situation many of us find themselves in. I've been single for the past year and it's been a mixed bag. IMO it's the balance between intimacy and autonomy. I really value my autonomy. It gives me the life I want within the circumstances of my wider life (income, health, projects, friends etc) I wake up with the clear and peaceful knowledge that the day is mine, entirely mine. I have no-one giving me a hard time, which is epic. On the other hand, I miss having a safe, supportive partner, especially when there's a difficult moment. I miss having a snuggle in bed. I miss sex.  But I also know that I can't, and won't, chase after anyone in order to get this. I know that I have a "broken picker" and that if anyone does turn up in my life I will take things very, very slowly and look out for red flags and deal breakers.   I am very lucky that I have good social skills and am liked and respected by a whole bunch of people so I can get my people needs (hugs, laughter, sharing) met. I don't take this for granted and work hard to be a good friend to my friends. This is very important for us adult children of PDs.

I am now 65 and having to wrap my head around maybe spending the rest of my life as a singleton. It's not a particularly cheerful prospect but I am trying to learn how to do this and enjoy my life. Lots of self compassion and self care!

Hugs to all of us.

[11JB68]

AOD - re: some logistical help with things like car servicing and being home for tradespeople
Someone said to me the other day 'it's nice to have a partner in crime' - I said I don't feel like I HAVE a partner in crime
Also - yes, uOCPDh IS home for tradespeople (because he has refused to hold down a 'real' job for years while I go to work every day) but in terms of car servicing etc - that stuff is ALL ME! Despite his old fashioned views on male/female 'roles' 'jobs' etc., I do all of that stuff on my own, plan it, figure it out, schedule it, and do it. Even refill the washer fluid in the driveway....
So, yup, I'd rather be on my own...

[Jolie40]

I  have two unmarried siblings
they stopped dating years ago & seem content working, having hobbies, and friends

both are over 40 and seem content being single
the one recently got an older cat & just loves it

one sibling said she'd like to move in with other sibling when they get older
however, that sibling said "no way!" she likes living alone