Am I the only one?

[Associate of Daniel]

Just wondering, if it's not too personal a question,  am I the only person who has never had anyone show an interest in them for a romantic relationship/marriage?  (Apart from my uNPD exH and one other teenager when I was 20, which is 30 years ago.)

Not one.  Zilch. Zero. Naught.

On the one hand, I'm glad. But on the other hand it's frustrating.

I seem to have been hearing for most of my life that I'm a lovely person and that any man would love to have me. (Grrr.) Where are those men?

And also hearing of other people who are fighting off unwanted attention with sticks.

I can't be the only person in this situation, surely.

Let me know if you're one of them.  Maybe we can form a society all of our own...

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

Me. The only serious dating relationship I had was with the person I married (when I was 23) and divorced (when I was 54, 4 1/2 years ago). I'm embarrassed to admit (but I'll say it anyway) that part of the reason I got married to this person was because I figured it would be my only opportunity.

[Associate of Daniel]

Welcome!

I think I might have married my (Now ex) uNPD because he was the only person who I was interested in who showed an interest in me.  I think I figured he must therefore be "the one".

It's probably more complicated than that though.

Most young people (teenagers to 30 or so)  seem to have any number of people paying attention to them.  I didn't then, and naturally the pool is smaller now that I'm older.  Actually I think my pool is on a far off desert island somewhere...

AOD

[Mintstripes]

I've had the most atrocious luck with romance in my life and it affects me. I'm pretty confident but every now and then I wonder why some people seem to have such an easy time? I'm in love with a woman, but she's unavailable right now and temporarily moved elsewhere. We talk, but I'm not sure if we'll ever get back together.

Sometimes, I feel like relationships and love are for other people, not me.

[Whiteheron]

I'm with all of you! Like PoisonIvy, I stayed with uPDxH because I thought that was my only shot at starting a family - at the time, he professed to want the same things I did...

I'm seeing no pool at my age. I hear about others coming out the other side and finding these wonderful, supportive partners. How do they seem to just fall into these relationships? Where are these wonderful, understanding, supportive people??

[Associate of Daniel]

Yes.  There doesn't seem to be a pool in my case.  And not even any fish to swim in it if there was.

I don't know what's worse:  There being no one interested in me or there being no one out there full stop. Even for me to be interested in.

I don't think I'm making much sense.

And it hurts to think that the only person who showed me an interest never loved me and is now determined to believe the worst of me every step of the way.

Probably my lack of a partner 8 years after he (uNPD exH) left confirms in his mind everything he believes about me.

And it's really hard to accept that he might end up being my only romantic attachment in my life.

Why?

And like I wrote in another post a while ago, if I hear one more time that I'm "a lovely person and that any man would be glad to have" me, I think I will not only scream, but throw a few things and hit several other things.

It's painful to hear it and at my age I'm sick to death of hearing it.  Even if it's said with love and no ill will.

I've had enough of it.

Sorry to rant.

AOD

[notrightinthehead]

AOD I have had no romantic connection for so many years and I have not longed for one either. I do not trust myself to be able to uphold my boundaries in a close connection and expect to be attracted to someone with a PD, since I believe the past is an indication for the future. I also behave accordingly. I do not go to places where I could meet possible partners. When I meet men, I behave in a very reserved way, almost unfriendly. I do that without thinking much about it. My friends are on dating sites, I can only laugh about this, I have never even considered it. What I am trying to say, have you looked at your own behaviour? Do you behave in a way that sends out signals that you are ready for a connection? What have you tried and how has that turned out for you? It sounds to me that somewhere you seem to feel that you are basically not loveable. If that were the case it would be an aspect that you could seriously work on.

[Happypants]

I believe notrightinthehead is onto something by saying that perhaps you believe you are not loveable.  I believe that people can pick up on signs that someone is needing someone to fill a gap ie acceptance, love, and that even on the path to healing it's still possible to carry on giving out those signals as it can become a habit in social situations.  For instance, I'm hyper vigilant in social situations and can see people picking up on it and looking uncomfortable, so it's something i need to keep in check despite the fact that I'm relatively far more at ease with myself than i was years ago.

I hope this doesn't come across as condescending and simplistic, but maybe you just being you, going out and doing what you like to do as well as finding new things, checking in with yourself that you're happy regardless of who's around you (because that's your right!), making an extreme effort to get into the habit of being committed to making yourself happy will make the outside world and all the external feedback less important. When you're at your best and committed to your own happiness, that's when someone good for you will come along.  Maybe healthy people HAVE shown an interest in the past, but programming may have rendered you unable to recognise it x

[Boat Babe]

Yeah, I hear you all. Looking back at ALL my relationships and I was the one who initiated things (I'm a woman so that isn't the traditional way!) I have no idea what that says about me by or the men in my life!!!

On paper, I'm a good "catch" and I don't have ANY trouble making and keeping friends of both genders. Men just don't come on to me. I really have no idea why that is.

[Kat54]

I'm typically pretty shy and I think some people have perceived me as arrogant and not very approachable, I was told that once years ago, though by far I'm not. It must be my serious face.
I've had mostly dysfunctional relationships.
My opinion is having a better feeling about yourself will project the way people see you. When I say my serious face I'm trying to smile more and be more upbeat and friendly. That's the approach for myself I'm trying to take.

[Whiteheron]

I know I definitely don't do anything to meet new people, even pre-pandemic. I have a small circle and I stick to it. I like to pretend that one day if I expand my circle and try new things I may find there is a pool out there...somewhere. 

There's another part of me that has no idea how I would even manage a relationship. My life right now revolves around work, the kids, and the nonsense my ex keeps throwing my way. Who would want to step into that steaming pile?

[Mintstripes]

Whiteheron: I feel very similar. I’m just swamped with being a single mom, grad school, supporting us and being responsible for literally everything. Most people don’t understand that. Most women in my dating pool definitely don’t and I’d say the vast majority aren’t interested in dating moms. There’s such a great divide and with the pandemic it’s just a perfect storm of solitude.

[Sapling]

Dear AOD,

You are not alone! I spent a lot of my life feeling the way you do and it was deeply frustrating and sometimes downright disconcerting tbh. It really sucks to desire a relationship and not have those needs met. Lately however, I have come to notice that lots of people get romantic attention for the wrong reasons and that doesn't end well for them. And sometimes people just meet someone great through sheer luck, not because they did anything right or wrong. So now I try to allow my desires space but also allow some space for the random nature of the whole dating thing and not worry too much about whether there's something wrong with me etc.

If people have been telling you your whole life that you are a lovely person, you probably really are And that stands you in good stead for when someone comes along who's interested in who you are. We live in a society where there isn't much airtime given to stories about people who meet someone later on in life, and if you haven't met someone by a certain age people think there's something wrong or something amiss. But perhaps your significant other is just around the corner and perhaps the day when you recognize what you've gained from this time on your own is also around the corner.

Romantic attention is nice but romantic attention (or lack thereof) doesn't actually mean anything about you.

I'm rooting for you. I hope you meet someone who matches your loveliness 

[Hepatica]

Hello, I have to tell you that my grandmother didn't meet her true love until she was in her sixties. Her husband had passed away and she had spent her life with him and he was personality disordered. She went to her doctor to say that she was depressed and her doctor said that she was merely lonely and needed to get out and live her life. So she listened to the doctor and began an art class. In the art class was another gentleman in her age range and they fell in love. She said that he was the love of her life.

Another thing, I think it might be better to meet someone later, when we've been educated about personality disorders. Two of my dear friends in uni met their partners in their early twenties, both of the guys full of problems, alcohol and NPD and when I visit them now, they are shells of themselves. It seems like a lot of people get snatched up by predators when they are too young to realize the red flags.

I didn't meet my Dh until I was 28 and had two years of therapy due to toxic former relationship. Dh is a good man to heal with. He is my greatest support.

Don't give up if this is what you want. Do what you love and meet people. Well.... after the pandemic anyway...   

[1footouttadefog]

AOD,

I would guess that you are a person of quality who puts out a vibe that you are not interested in nonsense and shallow interactions.

This will screen away those who are only after shallow interactions.  And this likely saves you alot if pain and misery that comes with that sort of thing.

On the other hand, where would one meet the sort of person you would like to spend time with.  Do you go those places?  Do you visit or interact with other people who have friends you could meet?  Maybe its time to change where you go and how you soemd yiur spare time.  Maybe a new hobby group, or a dining club, a local hiking or walking group, or volunteering for local events etc.

Sometimes lifestyle choices keep people in a social rut.

[Free2Bme]

I had (non-PD) boyfriends prior to marrying my updxh (at 28yo), none of these would have led to marriage.  My updhx moved very quickly to secure me and we were engaged 4 months after we met, married after 1 year, typical of PD's....'lest the mask slip.     

Divorced almost 5 years now, and have not dated.  I needed this time to heal/get my self in order after 20 years in PD-land.  But now, I'm stable and longing for male companionship.  However, my circle of friends is miniscule, due in part to my choice to stay home with kids for 17 years (no regrets) , and of course the isolation that comes with pd marriage.  In addition, I was out of the workforce during these years and have very few remaining professional contacts if any. 

Because of my choice to stay at home, I had no earning potential post-divorce.  (I went back to school prior to leaving pdh, and just graduated).  My T says I can now build relationships now that I will soon be going back to the working world, expand my horizons, make friends, date, blah blah blah.  I'm not very confident though. 

I would not date someone from work, that could be catastrophic. 
I don't have family/ friends, not well connected.
I am leery of online dating, predators abound.
I'm afraid of another PD encounter in general and don't fully trust myself or others.
My church is primarily families, not many singles.
.... and now, the pandemic.

I still have a script I play in my head about a relationship, and how that would go.  I know this is probably just wishful thinking.
I have no answers.

[Associate of Daniel]

Free2BeMe, your story is mine.

Before I married uNPD exH, I was involved in so many things:  work, studies, church, music groups, youth groups etc..

Not once did anyone show an interest.  Now my world is much smaller.  Because of my experience prior to marriage of having no one show an interest, I find it difficult to believe anyone would show an interest if I did start more social activities now.

It's not going to stop me doing those things, once Covid sorts itself out.  But I'm not holding my breath for a man to magically appear....

AOD

[newlife33]

Yes and no.  I have sort of an odd abuse story in that I was the Golden Child and then I was the Scape Goat after I left.

When I was the Golden Child I was getting beautiful women left and right.  I dated gymnasts, athletes, beach bunnines and more.  It was a ton of fun and I have a lot of good stories and memories,

However, there was no connection, there was no depth.  I would hook up with these women and think that they were lucky to be with me.  After all I'm Newlife33, all the women in the world love me!

Cut to me being 28.  Something happens and I realize the reality of my life and the abuse that is surrounding me.  I stop following in my fathers footsteps, break up with my girlfriend.  Since starting therapy and changing my life away fro my FOO, it's like I'm invisible.  I don't feel any desire or attraction either, it's just like a different species.  I feel sexually empty.

It has gotten better this year.  I have started to realize what I USE to be attracted to and also what i am REALLY attracted to.  My brain and body are still fighting it, but everyday goes by I feel like I will be able to have a healthy love life soon.

[sevenyears]

AOD - you're not alone! We're sailing the same ship. I'll join your society 

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, sevenyears.

Unfortunately I'm not sailing this ship too well at the moment!

AOD