making friends

[JenniferSmith]

I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast recently. It was from a former FBI agent whose job it was to work undercover. For his job he had to learn how to connect and create relationships with people.

He defined friendship as needing four components:   proximity + frequency + duration + intensity

(proximity can be physical like a neighbor or co-worker, or it can be in an on-line space too)

When I look back at my life, I see how these four aspects were at play in various friendships I've had, and how they were often lacking in friendships that didn't pan out or that eventually broke down. 

When we're younger, we spend a lot of time with our friends and generally share a lot of intense experiences with them.  Its easy to form a bond when we have the frequency and intensity with people around us (proximity).

As we get older, we might have proximity with someone, but the frequency just isn't there because adults have a lot of other priorities. We might know someone for several years, but if you only meet for coffee every couple of months, and talk casually about your life, the intensity and frequency aren't going to be there.

For some reason, I found it very helpful to look at friendship through this lens. I realize that its often not the the fault of either myself or the other person... life just makes it hard for those four pieces to take place.

I see this with a friend who moved to another state. We have the duration, we have the intensity (we've shared some difficult life situations with each other), we used to have the frequency, but now we don't have the proximity, so it takes more work to keep the friendship going.

Anyway not sure if others will find that useful but just wanted to share.

[Sidney37]

Hi Jennifer -

Thank you for sharing this.  This is very useful to me.  Right now, proximity is definitely making things harder.  With Covid restrictions I my area, no new groups of any sort are happening.  Volunteering is all at home by yourself or virtual.  And virtual in a way that you aren't meeting people really.  All school events to which parents were included or invited are cancelled or parents just aren't invited.  It's going to take time to be in proximity to others.  I guess I just need to be patient. 

I went to an in person dinner meeting the other night with people I had only met one time before.  I'm surprised it happened with the restrictions.  I found every time that someone asked me a question, as soon as I started to respond, they would turn and start talking to someone they already knew.  I used to take that as a reflection on me that I was not interesting enough or that I was doing something wrong.  I decided that it was them and not me.  But I'm hesitant to make an effort to see these people again. 

[tragedy or hope]

Yah!  Justkeeptrying!
Your experience is a great encouragement. I wait for these moments. Hoping to find friends in the same way. Kind of divinely inspired as I see it. And in a place you apparently love to be... near the ocean. Seems so syncratic. She was there because she loves the place and also, talking with you... I don't think this was coincidence.

Reminds me of a old adage... "When the student is ready; the teacher appears." Not the same but kind of... the time was right, the setting and the person, along with your heart and hers. Beautiful!

IMO when the right woman comes along, we can be heart-knit in a seeming instant and just have a knowing about one another. Simply amazing.