Holiday Overload Meltdown

[Hepatica]

In tears over here. And it's so minor really which makes me think that perhaps I'm a lot more stressed about Christmas and family than I realize.

Spent the last few days learning to bake Italian panettone to give to out to good friends as Christmas presents. Had a list of who they were going to and all set out ready to go out. Child comes home from uni and we go to bed and when I get up in AM one panettone is missing. Go look and find that my teen has taken one to bedroom and eaten the whole thing. Firstly! How!? Secondly, this messes up my list and one friend will now go without.

As I eat my breakfast I begin to unravel. Does this kid have an eating disorder? How is he so selfish to not ask? Does he realize that making panettone takes a whole effing DAY!?

I am so angry and now all of the unrest I feel around my PD family or origin rises up. And now I'm in tears. I was just hoping that my FOC, tiny little Christmas would be peaceful and nice. Now I can't believe the selfishness of my own child!

I am in overwhelm. All of the things I feel disappointment over are here and I can't manage my emotions. I feel hard done by.

The fact that it's over a panettone seems almost funny. But the truth is I am very sad and this kinda tipped me over into a whole other train of angst.

Just need to share to unload a bit. Thanks for listening.

[Thru the Rain]

The holidays can be full of overwhelming situations and emotions. Not surprising that a small thing can cause an upset out of proportion to the situation.

Take deep breaths, take a walk, take a bath, listen to some music you enjoy.

As a practical matter you have a large number of options regarding the panettone situation. I love panettone by the way - what a thoughtful and loving present!

- To make up the one missing panettone, you could make something else for that friend. Maybe a batch of Christmas cookies? You shouldn't tell the friend (or anyone) that this is a "make do" present. It would come from the same place of generosity as the panettone.

- You could buy a nice panettone for the one friend. Again - don't tell the friend this is a "make do" present. It comes from the same place of generosity as the homemade version.

- You could buy or make something completely different for the one friend. Do you have a friend who loves wine? or coffee? Again - no need to disparage your gift. Honestly it will come from the same place of generosity as the other options.

- You could make more panettone - probably not practical given the time remaining before Christmas, but it may be an option. And make a few extra to share with your FOC. Clearly your panattone is delicious!

- You could just not gift to the one friend. This may feel terrible, but it's OK. I'm assuming your friends are all adults, they understand being overwhelmed and sometimes it's all we can do to get through the Christmas season.


And for the future - It's OK to put a giant note on items intended as gifts: DO NOT EAT!

And maybe also turn this around to become a standing tradition with your child. If they came home from uni and the first thing they wanted was something Mom cooked, consider yourself blessed. It's probably not an eating disorder - maybe more of a "too many ramen noodles, not enough real food" situation. Next time you make panettone, plan to make one for your child. And when that kid later gets married, has children of their own - imagine the joy of sharing your panettone with that future family.

My own grandma made a special bread from a recipe she got from her mother in law. We always called it "grandma bread". She used to visit for a couple weeks over Christmas and then again in the summer and we begged her to make that bread every visit. And she always did. That bread is a happy memory from my childhood. My Grandma passed away about 10 years ago, and my sister has the recipe. Written in old fashioned spidery handwriting, with ingredients but no measurements. It took her a while to recreate the right measurements to get a workable recipe. She sends me a loaf every Christmas.

[Andeza]

If panettone is similar to the amount of effort that goes into making tamales, I feel you. Whole day into one thing, ugh. I'm making a crap ton of tamales on Christmas Eve, or maybe I'll do it tomorrow instead, and plan on putting them in gift bags... in the fridge! That should stop DH's renowned ability to put away food like a grizzly bear getting ready to hibernate. Otherwise, we'll have the same problem. (I hope the image of a grown man plundering the fridge gives you a giggle)

But! Take a deep breath, and realize child was probably NOT trying to spite you or anything and was just nearly zombified, late night, and shoved food in gullet as is typical of that age. You'll have one set of friends to give a bottle of Italian wine, or some other easy to acquire thing instead. Definitely do not recommend trying to make another round... That just sounds painful.

But I think you're right. You are stressed to edge here, honey. It is time to take some you-time. You need space from all the nonsense and time to rest. Your body is hollering "enough!" All the stress that is lingering from your FOO is causing fight or flight to kick in for other stuff where it may not be the most appropriate or necessary response.

Your own FOC can and will still have a fine little Christmas. In fact, if your friends are good friends, they may even get a kick and giggle out of hearing that your kid ate their original gift. I would. But I'm serious, take some time to sit and relax. It's not all about the doing, and sometimes you need to just not do anything for a bit to let the adrenaline fade out. Merry Christmas, Hepatica. Many hugs and much love to you.

[Starboard Song]

But I think you're right. You are stressed to edge here, honey. It is time to take some you-time. You need space from all the nonsense and time to rest. Your body is hollering "enough!" All the stress that is lingering from your FOO is causing fight or flight to kick in for other stuff where it may not be the most appropriate or necessary response.

And Andeza, thanks for that beautifully written response. That was just lovely, and spot on.

Hepatica, you are doing just fine. Your response is just fine. The next steps moving forward will be fine. Your gluttonous kid is fine. And your gift to your friend -- the replacement one -- is going to be fine. In fact, I hope you tell your friend the intended gift, and you two have a good laugh over it.

Be good. Be strong.

[Hepatica]

Thank you Thru the Rain,

Reading and re-reading your response as I take deep breaths. Good practical advice.

I realize that I have a huge issue with being a "good enough" parent and that I have some major perfectionism issues here. I didn't want to raise my voice at my kid, but i did and then I feel like my PD parents and then bye, bye, i'm down the whirlpool spiral of shame.

I've been swinging along here fairly smoothly and I didn't foresee this coming. After feeling pretty good these past weeks, then there i am again, all gnarly and mean and mad at my child and have zero ability to one, set a firm boundary without showing anger, two, finding humour in it.

I realize that I am not as self-regulated as I thought to be thrown by this into my bedroom with a headache and massive need for self-care.

Parenting is hard when you come from a childhood of trauma. I thought that I could read books and manage my way through it, but it stumps me every time. It should make me more forgiving of my parents... I suppose, but that's a whole other story...

[Hepatica]

Andeza and Starboard,

Thank you. I got your responses as I was typing my response to Thru the Rain. Thank you!!!

I really really love your responses. I am so grateful for this place.

Taking down time. Teaching my son to make panettone tomorrow. This is the natural consequence. He has agreed to learn.

[Andeza]

Haha! I love that, learning experience, teachable moments.

[IRedW77]

Taking down time. Teaching my son to make panettone tomorrow. This is the natural consequence. He has agreed to learn.

Oh I love that! That's good parenting right there. That's a good kid to go along and you've done right by each other.

Gave me a big smile.

Parenting is where all this stuff comes out. You start to see how everything affected you and you're terrified of recreating it. I'm right there with you right now.

Also, you have these moments where little things send you spiraling. It's always little things!

If you recognize what's happening it's always ok. You can fix whatever you need to fix after you regain control. You can teach your kids how to resolve situations. No one can keep total control of themselves all the time and that's ok.

You can teach your kids it's ok to be human. And you can teach them how to treat people after you've upset them or lost your cool or gone into a spiral.

I work with my 4 year old every day on managing her emotions, but I'm also working on the part of me that's still 4 and modeling how I should manage my emotions. We say it's ok to get upset and we make amends with anyone who we've upset in the process.

It sounds like your son got that lesson very well already.

[Free2Bme]

Oh Hepatica, I'm sorry.

Ugh, I can appreciate your conflicted feelings, I would want to pinch my child's head off (for a moment).

There is so many expectations at holiday time, many are self imposed (i'm the worst at this).  When one of my young adults is home, I feel so much pressure to pack a lot into a short time and also be flexible and understanding when they have their own plans.  The idea is to make good memories and when something goes haywire it threatens the good vibes and I'm off kilter.

As far as the panetonne, consider it a compliment, it must have been irresistible!  It was probably done on impulse not realizing how much effort went in to the prep.  (I have no idea what panettone is, sounds wonderful). 

Maybe DS would want to whip up another batch to replace the consumed one?  If not, thrutherain has great ideas.

The person you intended this for will not hold it against you any more than you would if the situation were in reverse. 

Take time to be good to yourself and cherish your time with DS, you will likely laugh about this later on.

[Poison Ivy]

Hepatica, I read this thread a few moments after nearly yelling at my dog, my only live-in companion, because she was pulling the stuffing out of dog toys. Even as she did it and I could feel my blood pressure rising, I was thinking, "She's a dog! This is making her happy! Why is this driving me crazy?!" Being alone for Christmas is getting to me.

[Thru the Rain]

I absolutely love the idea of having your son help with a new batch of panettone

And I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being one of his happiest and favorite memories - the time he got to spend with you that one Christmas after he accidentally ate the gifts.

[Hepatica]

Dough is rising and a new Christmas tradition has been established. 

Great scents, super duper Appalachian Christmas music playing. Sights, sounds all good.

Could have been me moping around all mad but no, we rescued the bad situation.

Thanks for all of your support friends!!

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Starboard Song]

Dough is rising and a new Christmas tradition has been established. 

Great scents, super duper Appalachian Christmas music playing.

You added appalachian music to an already great post and just put it over the top like a champ!

[Andeza]

Yay! So glad to hear. Have fun!

[Boat Babe]

 

[Starboard Song]

I really think this post could only appropriately be wrapped up by tossing in your recipe.

Insert recipe here:

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah!

I love Appalachian music too!

[Hepatica]

I apologize if Laura Vitale's voice hurts the ears at first, but out of all the panettone recipes I've watched and tried, hers is the one I return to.

It's not a hard recipe, it just takes a long, long time and you need special molds.

I didn't grow up with it, but my Dh has an Italian background, so I learned to make it for him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liGQB0B6OzM

[DistanceNotDefense]

Ooof, sounds like it's just one of those days!

It does sound like a high dose of perfectionism (happens to me all the time...) and because you're feeling untethered from FOO during NC right now, maybe the internal pressure is high to please and make sure you're feeling "in" with friends strengthening those FOC ties....

...but don't forget, you're the most important FOC! Don't forget internal family and the inner child. They're your beloved FOC too. 

But sounds like it turned out for the best. So happy for you.!