Please help me with a decision (decision paralysis)

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. You're the only people who can give me a neutral, non-emotional opinion about my situation. I've been asking my friend about this but he's a guy and has never had to deal with my situation. He was encouraging but still..

Anyway, I'm in a decision paralysis.

I got a job at the beginning of this month to work abroad. The job is not the most stellar-I would need to be like a nurse/carer for elderly folks in a nursing home. I applied for this job because I wanted to try it and I knew I'd have more chances getting this job than other jobs (which are more competitive). I've worked with older folks before but for a short time and it was OK.
Anyway, I am supposed to start on the 1st of next month and am now thinking to cancel this because I really don't think I'll manage to care for so many people. The schedule is 12 hours a day which is already a lot.

The pay is terrible but my thought was I'll just work at this home for a few months and during this time I'll need to try and find a better paying position.

Sincerely, I really don't want to do this type of work and the reason I accepted it was because I could move abroad and be thousands of miles away from my PD family. It was also very easy for to get a job like this (since there's low competition). The company that hired me paid for my first month of accomodation so it's already a lot of pressure for me to be there and perform. If I can't work, I'll need to pay them back and, on top of that, break the lease which is fixed term.

Of course the feeling of leaving and putting so much distance between me and FOO is exhilarating but not at the expense of my mental health. I have worked with sick people before and it was emotionally/physically hard/draining. Thought I'd work a different job/career but it's hard for me to even accept the fact I am deserving of a great job, let alone a great income. (never had one, always worked hard jobs for low pay-but that's another story).

Anyway, what would you do if you were me?

Is this fear/confusion part of the c-PTSD package and I'm worrying for nothing or is it my intuition helping me to go for higher quality jobs?

[Boat Babe]

Hi MP. The way you describe this job, well it doesn't sound great. From my perspective the risks outweigh the benefits. I'm all for working abroad but not doing high stress, low pay 12 hour days. I totally get that you need to get away from living with your parents but there have to be better options. I'm concerned that you don't feel you deserve/can do a more interesting (to you) and better paid job. That script was not written by you and you can drop it with no negative consequences, quite the opposite. You don't know till you try my dear!

Anyway, keep applying for jobs. You'll get there.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Mary,

Here are the two sentences of your writing that stood out the most in my mind.

"Sincerely, I really don't want to do this type of work and the reason I accepted it was because I could move abroad and be thousands of miles away from my PD family."

"Of course the feeling of leaving and putting so much distance between me and FOO is exhilarating but not at the expense of my mental health."

Both of those sentences hinge around your FOO, yet are very negative to the work and your own health.  With todays technology, being on the other side of the world does very little except toward in-person visits and in-person/situational manipulation because of physical proximity. 

I dont know your history, but unless you are well girded against technology uses in manipulation, your physical distance may not make as much difference as you hope. Combine the emotional pressure of attempted manipulation centered around communication, and a job you know you will dislike, and as you stated, the "expense of your mental health" will need to be considered. 

SoT

[moglow]

MP, can you reframe this new job into a trampoline out of a place you truly don't want to be [your parents home]? Like give the job however many months while you regroup to something you'd rather do? Short term - They need the employee, you need the money and impetus to get out... I'm just thinking once you're out and away at least some of the family pressure is off and you have a place to begin again with somewhat a more clear view of what you can or want to do going forward.


It doesn't have to be all or nothing - just be careful about limiting your opportunities, is what I'm thinking.

[Srcyu]

I recognise the under- achieving vibe.  Trying for jobs with a guaranteed acceptance. Avoiding rejection in the process and being confident in the  knowledge that you can do the work well.

THIS time though is quite different. This time you are being brave, daring and exceptional.
Can you carry it through to its (let's face it) massive, huge finale. Miles, and miles away from - them.

Your new employers need and want you to work for them, very much so. You've set all of this up. You've made it happen. It's a really big deal. My view is - don't waste it. Fly away on those unclipped wings.

[Jolie40]

Anyway, what would you do if you were me?

if it were me, I would not take a job that I'm going to hate
if you quit fairly quickly, then you're stuck somewhere unfamiliar & would need another job quickly or spend $ to come back home

why can't you stay away from FOO?

I learned that PD parent & enabler would come to my town to visit a sibling as well as frequent shops here
I never, ever ran into them
my town is 3 miles from one end to other end, yet I have never, ever run into sibling out & about, either!

[mary_poppins]

Thank you, all for your responses.
I need to rethink my plans of moving abroad (which was a pretty good plan) and consider if it's the end of the world to not accomplish it by this year's end. Doing 12 hour shifts would be impossible for me (I'd do it if I was sitting in an office all day but not working with sick people).

Plus, I was given a list with almost 20 courses to complete by the beginning of this work. I started doing them and failed two exams. Lol. So I am not sure I can even start work now...

I get it, I don't need physical distance to go NC from FOO but emotional distance. This is a very good point, thank u all.

[Srcyu]

The decision is yours.
It's strange that they are asking you to do all those tests now after already offering you the work.
You may have had a lucky escape there.

[JustKeepTrying]

Let's reframe this.

Sure this isn't the job and the tests and the work and the hours and the pay.  So turn it down.  Happens every day.

What I read in your post is this - you looked for a solution that would give you hope, experiences and autonomy.  That takes an incredible amount of bravery.  If you did it once, you can it again.  Look at what you did already!  Amazing!

[SonofThunder]

Let's reframe this.

Sure this isn't the job and the tests and the work and the hours and the pay.  So turn it down.  Happens every day.

What I read in your post is this - you looked for a solution that would give you hope, experiences and autonomy.  That takes an incredible amount of bravery.  If you did it once, you can it again.  Look at what you did already!  Amazing!

+1

SoT

[mary_poppins]

Let's reframe this.

Sure this isn't the job and the tests and the work and the hours and the pay.  So turn it down.  Happens every day.

What I read in your post is this - you looked for a solution that would give you hope, experiences and autonomy.  That takes an incredible amount of bravery.  If you did it once, you can it again.  Look at what you did already!  Amazing!

Yes, I did it. And I proved to myself that I CAN get hired by a foreign employer (something I didn't think so before) so it's still a win if I turn it down.
Now I am again thinking to accept it, actually it's a mess in my head right now. Accept it, don't accept it-a terrible mind chatter. I see this as a life and death situation because of living with PDs. If I don't take it, I'll feel guilty for postponing the leave, if I take it, I'll struggle with actually doing the work itself since I don't have the stamina for it (sure, I can do this kind of work part-time but that's it).

Sorry that I have to drag you all into my negative thinking.

[Boat Babe]

You need to shift the narrative in your head as it's very black and white. I think you see this job as *the only* way out of your situation. That is not helping you and isn't true either. There must be other opportunities to get away, perhaps in your own country to start with, or a better position abroad. I feel you're massively lacking in confidence in your abilities thanks to your parents. Please don't let their horrible narrative control your choices.

[mary_poppins]

Yeah, BoatBabe, I get it, I lack in confidence. But I need to do something to get out of their home. So I decided to pursue this.
I got home today and PD mom started yelling at me. Then PD dad started yelling at PD mom. I'm so tired of them, I'm burnt out, can't take living with them anymore. These 2 either love abusing each other or they pretend to fight to piss me off.

No, there are no opportunities in my country, trust me I know. There's an incredible amount of corruption here so I wouldn't wanna work here or set home here. I tried anyway and it didn't work.

[Boat Babe]

You tried one thing and it didn't work. Now go do some self care and get ready to do some more job hunting sweetheart. It ain't over till it's over.  Big hugs hun.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Mary Poppins,   It sounds like each of your choices, status quo, take this job, try to go for something else, are all very anxiety provoking for you.  No wonder it's hard to get clear.

I don't know if this would be helpful in this situation, but it's a trick I learned long ago to help me clarify in my own head what it is I *really* want.  Because sometimes all the "other people expect me..." and "shoulds" can make that hard to tease out.  Once I know what I really want, I can be clearer about making the decision, even if I decide there are good reasons do take another option.

Anyway, if you feel like trying it, it's a coin flip.  Pretend that the decision will be made based on that.  Heads I go, tails I don't kind of thing.  Pay attention to how you feel in the moment when you see which side of the coin came up.  Relieved?  Disappointed?  It often brings me clarity.  Then I use the clarity (not the coin toss) to decide.

Good luck with it all!

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, guys.
I just realised what happened. A breach of boundaries. I dropped my boundaries when I told FOO about the job offer. They all became suddenly caring and offered to help me financially. So now they're involved in the process deeply and think they have a right to tell me what to do. I hate them so much but mostly, I hate the decision I took to go back to them. Anyway, I'll need to undo this somehow and start keeping them in the dark about my life.

[mary_poppins]

Update on this post: I made the move and it's been going great
The anxiety I felt was an emotional flashback. I was afraid to leave the abuser's home and deal with the guilt, shame and depression of NC. I was actually feeling guilty for leaving my father during his recovery from cancer. I had nightmarish fantasies about going back to them and living with them forever as I was on the plane. I still struggle with these fantasies. I so much don't want to go back to those people.
I can now see clearly that they've abused me and took advantage of my presence at home to have their narcissistic needs met.
Don't know how long it will take for this feeling to go away.

Anyway, thanks to everyone here who advised me to take on this opportunity and leave my parents' home. Those of us with cPTSD are having a really hard time opening up to opportunities due to trauma. Now that I think about it, I can pin point the times I said no to a job or a relationship or a great opportunity to do something big because of cPTSD and flashbacks. Also, the guilt and all that shit.

This was a great lesson in trauma bonding and how to fight it in order to get over to the other side, which is recovery.
I hope that others here will read my post and learn from it. If there is anything popping out in your reality that sounds like a good opportunity but you start finding reasons to turn it down, know that it's trauma bonding manifesting in you. The guilt of succeeding at something and doing something you love will keep you trapped in an unhappy life.

It doesn't matter if our parents are unhappy and miserable, we are not responsible for their feelings, we never were. We can choose to be happy in spite of their misery and negative lifestyle.

[JustKeepTrying]

Mary - Thank you for the update. You made my Monday!  Your post, move and story are courageous and inspiring.  JKT

[Srcyu]

Excellent news.
You are complete Star. 

[moglow]

There ya go! You talked yourself out of it and back into the muck - and you SAW what you were doing to yourself. First step towards healing is seeing what *we're* doing, then stepping away from source of the pain.

Now keep going! Work a couple of jobs if you need to, and rebuild your life and confidence. Do whatever it takes to not be dependent on them again. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't!