Kindness...makes me sad

[qwezrty]

Hi,
I haven't been here for a while, I'm struggling in all sorts of areas in my life. I wanted to post here as there is something so helpful about hearing from people who 'get it'. I sometimes find the narcissistic BP ways impossible to describe.

I haven't been well lately and my uNBPM has had a few health concerns of her own, she has decided not to tell me but has told my partner. Asked my partner to promise not to tell me as I have 'enough to deal with' at the moment. My mother even asked me what I would do if I had a friend who had something important going on but hadn't told their family but really wants them to know. I asked if the family were supportive and she said 'no not really'...I realise now that I'm the unsupportive family member in her make believe situation.

Anyway today a parcel arrived with thoughtful gifts and a nice card saying that she's thinking of me in this difficult time I'm having etc. I just keep crying. I feel irrational and silly that she sends thoughtful things and rather than feel the kindness I feel sadness, guilt, etc. If I told anyone that my mother sent a box of thoughtful gifts people would think it was lovely, and yet me? I just cry. I feel so messed up.

I am in a very awful place with my emotional health, physical health, and so on. I don't feel like I can take anything any more. With Christmas coming up it's always so difficult and I want to run and hide away from everything and everyone. I wish I could feel okay or do something simple to make me feel better, but it feels really hopeless.

Thank you so much for reading x

[SunnyMeadow]

I get it qwerty. In my opinion, it's perfectly understandable that you'd have guilt and sadness. 

For me, I'm not used to having my uNPD mother do things for me that don't involve her buying me a gift SHE likes and I don't, or some other ulterior motive. So if she actually did something nice to be nice I'd be like  I'd feel guilt and sadness also. Maybe it's partly wishing that my mother would have always been that way.

Keep in mind that she hasn't changed and just because she sent you this package doesn't change who she is or how she usually acts. I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time.

[Jumping Juniper]

Just to say that yes I get this too..

I once was being bullied at work (by a narcissist) and when people who knew what I was going through were kind to me there and ask "how I was" I would burst into tears and cry at my desk and it was impossible to hide. It was like a dam breaking every time.
I felt so starved of affection and kindness and needed it so desperately that when I eventually got it, it reminded me so much of what I hadn't had for so long and so it made me weep.

I have healed a lot since then and I don't weep but I do get dewy eyed still.
I treasure kindness in people and it gives me great pleasure (and healing) to be kind to people myself.
In fact it has played a big part in my own healing journey, being kind to others and also (perhaps more importantly) learning to be kind to myself.

There is a nice line of poetry..
From Alfred Tennyson's poem "Lady Clara Vere de Vere": "Kind hearts are more than coronets, and simple faith than Norman blood."

[Leonor]

Hello,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You're allowed to have all the feelings. If you want to cry on the bus, let it out. It's not your job to entertain the other riders.

The present from your mom is NOT kindness. It's manipulative and cruel and selfish. What is this nonsense about talking to your partner? She's YOUR parent. She should call YOU. Leave you messages just thinking of you. Offer to help with tasks, if she's nearby. Let you know you're lived and if you need anything, she'll be there in a heartbeat.

You know it's kindness when you feel loved. Sad and beat up and crap, but deep inside a little ok, because mom has your back. You feel horrible, but understand that it's a feeling. Know that you are not horrible. Get that the horrible is something that happened: a company downsize, a traffic accident, a lost puppy.

If you feel guilt and sadness, what-is-wrong-with-me, flip that around: what is it about mom that's making me feel so bad? What lousy message is she sending me with this package? Is she gaslighting me? Manipulating me? Violating my boundaries (YES. Sticking herself between you and your partner is a violation of boundaries.)

Kindness doesn't make you feel sad. A selfish mom makes you feel sad. You're right to feel sad.

Feeling sad is okay. Even if it's really, terribly, awfully, publicly and ugly sad.

[bee well]

Hey Qwzerty,

I'm with Leonor on this one. It's a BIG red flag that things are getting triangulated, and filtered through your partner. She likely told your partner so it would get back to you, that "she didn't want to worry you." 

When you receive a package and it feels horrible, that is not on you. You wouldn't feel that way if something weren't wrong.

Please please do not beat yourself up for feeling this way.

One family member used to treat me cruelly and then send sentimental gifts and it is the most gut and heart wrenching, guilt inducing, just wrong on so many levels sensation ever. From some of what I have read in the forum, this  "strange" gifting is not uncommon, unfortunately.

When it happened to over and over I thought I was imagining things  (the gifts were carefully chosen to touch certain heartstrings.) I mean how could someone so "thoughtful" possibly have questionable motives? It must be me.) The answer: oh. yes. they. can. It isn't us.

These types of gifts are commonly used to communicate  "look at me, and how generous I am. Why aren't you doing more for me (i.e. why aren't you at my beck and call)" Therefore, how could you possibly need more "love and support" from me (the sender). And at the same time, it twists our guts in a knot. It's very insidious.

Do not doubt yourself. It's not you being overly sensitive, or reading too much into things as they often say.  If the gifts provoke awful feelings, there's a real reason behind it. You are not unappreciative.

I'm sorry you are going through this with your Mother. It's incomprehensible that a Mother's love is not something that just flows freely. We shouldn't have to even think about why we don't feel loved enough or why "love" doesn't feel good.

You can cry when you need to cry. As Leonor says, "it's not your job to entertain...[anyone]" and "you are not what you feel." Those feelings are caused by something else.

You are you, and you deserve to be treated well.

I just wanted to say hello, I empathize with you, and you are not alone here.

Please go slow and take care of you.

A big hug!

[Psuedonym]

Hey qwertzy,

Watch this, and then watch it a few more times: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnVx1aA6aWg As the amazing Les Carter explains, any relationship with a narcissist is one long con/maniputlation. Oh, your mom didn't want to burden you with her health concerns but told your partner? Bullshit x 1000.  She 100% told your partner knowing that they'd turn around and tell you. That's the point, to let it be known how sick she is while maintaining plausible deniability that she didn't ''burden you with that knowledge.' 

As to the 'thoughtful gifts', rest assured she's already telling everyone she knows what a wonderful and thoughtful mother she is despite her horrible/mentally defective/childish daughter she has (all things I heard myself).

I feel irrational and silly that she sends thoughtful things and rather than feel the kindness I feel sadness, guilt, etc. If I told anyone that my mother sent a box of thoughtful gifts people would think it was lovely, and yet me? I just cry. I feel so messed up.

Let me rephrase this for you. You are extremely rational. You recognize that these gifts are not kind or thoughtful, they are manipulative props that will later be used in a smear campaign against you later and/or as a way to gaslight you. You feel sad because you understand what is happening.

You aren't messed up. You are having a rational reaction to an irrational situation, Trust your feelings. You are stronger than you think you are and everybody here understands that you aren't the one who needs fixing.

[Hilltop]

My mother would sometimes do the same.  She would be cruel or say cruel things and then do something nice and it was baffling.  It keeps you off balance.  You don't know if this interaction will be nice or cruel so you are on edge.  My mother was nice when I was going through a rough patch as well.  I have later come to realise that she wanted me to open up to her because she wanted the gossip and information and the inside information.  The other thing that stood out to me was that in her mind I was this difficult depressed person and so when something happened to back this up she was happy and hence she was kind and sent gifts.  If something happened which was positive for me she would later insult me or do something hurtful.

It can also be used so she can tell people, 'oh I just got a gift for poor Qwzerty, did I mention how Qwzerty is struggling so much lately.  Its the depression you know, I try so hard but Qwzerty pushes me away, I just have to keep trying'.   It can be used to back up the story your mother tells other people whatever that may be that you are difficult, depressed or whatever the narrative is.

The thing is your mother insulted you by telling you a story with a reference about an unsupportive person, you are left to fill in the blanks that you are that unsupportive person and you feel bad about yourself.  You can't challenge her on saying it as you were the one to reference it, she didn't actually say it. Then she does something nice for you.  You are left up and down.  Its crazy making.  Having to deal with that uncertainty on top of everything else is stressful even if you don't see it.  I think the tears are because your interactions with her are just all over the place and its stressful on top of everything else and underneath it all perhaps you just want genuine support rather these games she is playing.

[daughter]

A gift is not a sincere version of apology, but sometimes given as such.  Gifts can be given to provoke a thank-you, in attempt to skirt need to apologize and feel entitled instead to gratitude from person they've hurt.

[lilith]

It seems very clear to me that the "gift" was emotional blackmail of the highest order. First, indirectly communicating (through violating your trust between you and your partner) that she's sick and you can't be trusted with that info. Then, with the gift she was rubbing it in your face what a wonderful, kind, thoughtful mother she is, what a saint she is to think of you when she's suffering, and you are a selfish, unsupportive, horrible child. The gift was probably meant to tell you that *you* should be sending a gift to *her*, if you cared about her, but you don't because you are a horrible child.

Ugh. I don't really have words for how disgusting that is. I feel gross just thinking about it. No wonder you felt awful when you got it. It's insane trying to think how to explain to outside people, how on earth a supposedly nice gesture could be a horrible guilt-bomb instead.

[WinterStar]

My mother even asked me what I would do if I had a friend who had something important going on but hadn't told their family but really wants them to know. I asked if the family were supportive and she said 'no not really'...I realise now that I'm the unsupportive family member in her make believe situation.

Wow. I mean, wow. That is some next level crap. Your mother left a guilt bomb for you that was programmed to detonate at the same time you found out about her illness. Because that's when you would have the info to put two and two together. It's manipulative and cruel.

I have a post about my own BPD mom. She's offering to apologize and listen to anything I want to say to her. Though, I have to do it in person or via video chat. Like, those are her conditions: I have to interact with her the way she's been begging me to. And I know how that apology will go. There will be tears, justifications, blaming others, inappropriate sharing from her sad life story, reassurance seeking, pleas to know what went wrong so she can fix it and an emotional breakdown. Then, she can tell everybody she tried to apologize to boot. Because in the end, the apology is about and for her, not me. Just like it always is and always has been.