Do I OWE her anything?

[Wardog]

Hello everyone,

I've been having a bit of a moral quandary for a while, and I am seeking some other opinions as a "Reality Check."  Like many of us, I worked long and hard for many years (32) to make things as nice as possible for my uNPD wife and daughters.  In 2004, my daughters had both "left the nest." I continued working, in a job with verbally abusive bosses that didn't care to listen to any suggestions for improvement, which is anathema for me, but it was the one of the highest paying positions available in the local area for my skillset.

Time went by, and the pressure at work kept building up, along with the pressure of dealing with my wife's day-to-day antics, and while the boss was yelling at me one day, about something I had been trying to get him to change for three years, I finally blew my stack, and told him in no uncertain terms that he was a F-ing idiot. He fired me on the spot.  Luckily, the woman who ran HR was a friend, and did not oppose unemployment for me.

This happened in January 2012.  In June of 2012, my Son-in-Law was medically discharged from the Navy.  My older daughter, him and their kids moved in with us, and shared the rent and expenses.  They bought the House in 2017, and we continue to all live together happily except, of course, for my wife.

I am doing OK financially, my Navy pension and the occasional temp job are enough to let me pay my share of the household expenses and groceries, with enough left over for a few fun thing.  Last year, my Pastor offered me a part-time (15 hours a week) job as custodian for my church, which brings in $200 a week, plus the bonuses of setting my own hours and procedures, and working alone. 

My quandary is whether I should seek a higher-paying job. The thing is, I'm happy with what I'm making now. I have enough to fulfill my part of the household support, pay for my wife's TV habit and her occasional Diamond Paintings, pay for my Karate and Gym, and my hobbies. She, however, wants MORE, because "I'm your wife!." The problem is that, while our names are on a marriage license together, she hasn't been a wife in any way, shape, or form for the last 17 years. More like a free-loading roommate with a ridiculously bad temper. There is also the fact that back when I had a really good job, and money wasn't really a problem at all, she was STILL unhappy about it, and was always at me about MORE.

So that's the thing.  I don't give a flying crap about her happiness anymore. She refuses to be happy, or even satisfied with anything.  I don't care to work 8-10 hrs a day, plus likely having to commute an hour each way, just to supply the black hole.  It sounds like the answer is in the question, I know, but it nags at me that there may be something wrong with my reasoning.

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance...

[moglow]

I am doing OK financially, my Navy pension and the occasional temp job are enough to let me pay my share of the household expenses and groceries, with enough left over for a few fun thing.  Last year, my Pastor offered me a part-time (15 hours a week) job as custodian for my church, which brings in $200 a week, plus the bonuses of setting my own hours and procedures, and working alone.  ... The thing is, I'm happy with what I'm making now. I have enough to fulfill my part of the household support, pay for my wife's TV habit and her occasional Diamond Paintings, pay for my Karate and Gym, and my hobbies.

Thank you for your service! That all sounds really nice from where I'm sitting - Quite the reward for the ride you were on for so many years.

Mo being mo: If she/the wife wants "more" is she not able to set foot out there to provide at least some of it for herself? Why is it assumed that your purpose is to fulfill those needs for her, particularly given this has been an ongoing thing for her that nothing was ever enough? Whether or not you're embroiled in her happiness - at what point is she, the individual, to provide at least some of her own? Fact is, we all know if we're not happy with ourselves no one else can possibly change that for us. Any of us.

Rhetorical questions, they are. But they do bear thinking.

[Wardog]

Wardog,
First off, thank you for your service in the Navy! I greatly appreciate your sacrifices.
I'm not going to opine about whether you should get another job or not...that seems like a very personal question for you. My question for you would be, why are you choosing to stay in the marriage? What makes you "committed to working on it"?

You're welcome. It was an honor to serve.    I have a few reasons why I stay. I'll keep it as short as possible... Since we live with my daughter and son-in-law, if I leave, I'll be dumping her off for them to deal with.  I don't think my daughter would have the heart to kick her out, and at her age (we're both in our 60s)and her various medical problems, she may be able to have family court step in to prevent it. I pay about 40% of the household expenses, so it would cause a severe budget crisis for my daughter and son-in-law, at least for a year or so.  I will be supporting her until one of us dies, no matter what, and that would be a LOT more difficult to do if I were living separate.

Also, it was 29 years before I knew what her problem was. I thought our relationship problems were my fault because of CEN. (Childhood Emotional Neglect) We built up quite a history in those years, more happy than bad. It's been 13 years since then, and there are still some shining moments. I have also created my own life, away from the house, that I really enjoy   I feel like I would be trading in one set of problems that I am familiar with and for the most part can mitigate or minimize, for a new set of unfamiliar problems.  I would DEFINITELY have to find a full-time job. I would have to find a new place to live. I would have to get another car.  Who knows what else?  (Law of unintended consequences)  At 61 years old, I would rather deal with the devil I know, than the devil I don't.    Sorry to go on and on, but as you can see, I've put a lot of thought in to this decision, with help and encouragement from my counselor.

[moglow]

I figured there was method to your madness, Wardog. Just a shame, isn't it, that while we feel we owe it to ourselves to do and accomplish things in life, some think others owe THEM everything instead.

Her expectations and wants aren't "owed" btw, I don't think I ever actually answered your question.

[1footouttadefog]

I would tell her I am semi retired from working which is reasonable at my age.

If you are not satisfied, you are welcome to become retired from not working.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you owe your wife more. However, do you feel comfortable with your financial situation for yourself? What if something happens to you or the household members who currently contribute to expenses in the household? Do you have sufficient money and assets to live comfortably when you can no longer work or if someone else loses their job or becomes disabled and cannot work? (I would pose these same questions to anyone, not only to people who don't like their spouses.)