Narcissism or old age?

[Poison Ivy]

So far, "letting Mom stay in her own home" has contributed to much stress for the primary caregiver (my sister); the earlier-than-necessary death of one companion animal (my dog); and increased strife in the one intact marriage of a family member (my older brother's). Is this all to be expected when a very old family member wants to stay at home (i.e., this is old age); or do only people who are narcissists demand to stay at home in their very old age?

[SonofThunder]

My opinion is that living at one's comfort of home is always a desire vs being in another setting.  I personally have witnessed the defying and difficult stance of staying in one's home, yet the necessary placement of that person in the safer care of facilities not their home. 

I dont want to be in a safe facility setting because I need to be.  I also dont desire to burden my loved ones by suggesting I live in their home.  I desire to check out of my Earthly hotel prior to that decision time. 

Not sure what your Mom's traits were like prior to this, so just sharing my own experiences of non-PD's taking a hard stance on staying in the perceived comfort of home.

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, SonofThunder. Your thoughts are helpful, as usual.

[monamurre]

Ugh, I'm sorry Poison Ivy. My mom is also well past the point of needing more care but won't leave her home. I agree with Son of Thunder, its hard to tease aging out from PD behaviors. But either way it puts a lot of stress on the family, and for that you have my sympathy.

I sympathize with not wanting to leave one's home, of course. But I do think in my mom's case the PD traits are driving irrational behavior in our case. She is a hermit/waif type and would rather sit in the road watching a truck barrel towards her than ask for help moving off the road. So, as she has aged and lost various abilities (like being able to see!), she hasn't reached out to initiate any caregiving of any kind. My grandmother did the same. So, I myself don't have much of a gauge on what non-PD folks do as they age. I think at some point, it is reasonable to stop playing along and say that the elder needs more help than you can give, more professional help, etc. I wish you luck navigating this chapter of their life.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, monamurre.

[Sneezy]

Is this all to be expected when a very old family member wants to stay at home (i.e., this is old age); or do only people who are narcissists demand to stay at home in their very old age?

My stepmother did not have a personality disorder or any other mental illness or dementia that I know of.  However, she insisted on staying alone in her home, and got angry when we tried to set her up with Life Alert, Meals on Wheels, etc.  She didn't even want her church to send over the people who typically visit older folks because she insisted she wasn't a shut in.  Unfortunately, she died alone and we didn't realize it right away.  Not really the best outcome, although as a wise therapist told me, my stepmom died on her own terms.  So, no, it's not just people who are narcissists who demand to stay at home.

A PD does complicate things though, as many people with PDs will absolutely not admit that they are aging or that they need help.  Or they may expect one of their children to become their caregiver (and in fact, they may expect their children to fight over the privilege of being their caregiver).  The intersection of aging with a PD is an interesting place, and it can be tough, if not impossible, to figure out whether a particular trait is caused by aging, a PD, or a combination.  Many of the strategies, though (medium chill, boundaries, etc.) work really well with aging parents regardless of whether or not they have a PD.

[OddFamily]

From what I've seen (my parents vs my grand parents), the PD makes it very complicated, it's not easy having to go into a facility, but there comes a point sooner or later where it becomes necessary. My grandma went through this with my grandpa, but why she doesn't see the same parallels, it's because she's an expert in denial. 

[Jolie40]

I recognized that parents needed to go into assisted living & suggested it to sibling-in-charge.
One parent had a stroke but sibling chose to hire help at their house instead of choosing assisted living.
They both did not want to leave their house.

In the end, parent did end up in hospital again & then ended up in nursing home.
Then other parent fell, needed surgery, rehab & got stuck at rehab nursing home.

Sibling didn't chose to have them go into assisted living together when they needed it.
So they ended up away from each other in two different places.
They didn't get to see each other before he died.

Wish sibling had got them into assisted living together.
My guess is sibling didn't want the fight to get them to leave their house.

[cinderella]

I think it can be trickier to see the difference in older people as they begin to need more help. Of the 3 in my life, they are all adamant they are independent and willing to put the burden on their carers to have the life they want.

The difference with my UNPD dad, is how nasty he can get. The other 2 are stubborn, but suggest my father has care and it goes into a full blown attack of how selfish his carer is to suggest her needs are important. Que the refusing to eat, drinking alcohol like a fish and swallowing a bag of sweets - not helpful for a diabetic. Oh, and don't forget the suicide threats - 'I'll swallow a bottle of pills if you put in a home.' Tantrums, guilt, threats, self harm. You won't want to revisit that conversation will you.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for your response, Cinderella, and welcome to the forum.

[Cascade]

My mother is quite elderly, lives alone, and has never had any narcissistic traits. That being said, she seems more focused on herself and all her problems than she used to be.

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks, Cascade.