Xmas my favourite time of the year - NOT!

[p123]

Some of you may remember how it works with Dad. For years, I drove 30 mins each way to pick him up, bring him for xmas dinner then take him home. Over the years he got worse he was rude to my wife, my family, generally a right pain. Things escalated for other reasons and I thought no way to this any more.

So a few years ago, I told him my wife was working xmas day so I'd come to see him boxing day. Brother even though Id probably had him for 10-15 years made up some excuse. So Dad spend xmas day on his own - to be honest I didn't feel guilty - this was all HIS behaviour that caused this.

Last few years I've taken him out to a restaurant nothing fancy but its been hell if I'm honest. Heres a list of his "antics".

1 Shuffles across the floor when in his apartment he can walk a LOT better. Hes proving to me how ill he is.
2. The bathroom - last time he pretended 3 times he'd forgotten where it was.

Now ok mildly annoying but what I couldnt cope with was

3. I'd booked a set 3 course and told him this. Yet hes harrassing the waiter and telling him he doesnt want a starter and they damn well better not charge him for it. I'd already told him it was paid for in advance.
4. Hes shouting at another waiter - he doesnt want to hang around here all day and they had better get moving.

I actually had to go an apologise to the staff last year for his behaviour. It was awful. There is no need.
Large part of the problem is he doesnt go out to restaurants but he still thinks he knows it all, he thinks things work how he likes them to work. People should do what he wants at all time. And honestly, last year, he probably spent the last 30 mins ignoring me, muttering and mumbling about "how he had better things to do than wait for them to let us pay".

This year I was all set up for bring him a dinner that my wife had made xmas day. Typical Dad being ungrateful "well I won't want to eat that 2 days in a row". Now he says he thinks he wants to go out for lunch......... Jeez. Says he wants "steak and chips or something like that".

What do I say to him? Read him the riot act about his behaviour and agree or just say no way jose?

[Waz]

Please just say no!

[p123]

Yeh I've tried..... Jeez

[Andeza]

Broken record. Say "No" about three times and then leave/hang up. If he can't accept no, then there won't be *anything* at all.

[FromTheSwamp]

Pick up steak and chips and bring them to him.  He won't be happy, but being happy isn't his goal.

[NarcKiddo]

Whatever you do, don't read him the riot act. It will only show him that such behaviour works in getting under your skin and is an invitation to repeat it. If it turns out to be easier to take him out somewhere I would get him seated and then find an excuse to get up and speak to the waiting staff out of his earshot. Simply tell them he's got mild Alzheimer's or some such, so he may be difficult but it's Christmas and what is a son to do? Shrug shoulders and leave a decent tip. Then let him rant.

[square]

I personally like the idea of bring steak and chips to him. Honestly, my boundary would be not eating in a restaurant with him again, because I would not tolerate the abuse of staff and have no time to sitvand listen to moaning. If he can't behave like an adult and be at least mildly enjoyable as a dining companion, I'm not gonna bother.

He wants steak and chips, fine enough. He'll moan about it being takeaway but he'll moan about eating there too, same difference only minus abuse of servers.

[square]

Oh, he also knows where the bathroom is in his flat 

[lkdrymom]

Pick up steak and chips and bring them to him.  He won't be happy, but being happy isn't his goal.

Pick up what he wants and deliver it to his home.  Spent 90 minutes there(his xmas gift) then flee.

[lkdrymom]

Forgot to mention how I refused to take my father to restaurants because he would loudly talk about his bowel movements.  Or he would use the restroom and loudly proclaim "I WENT!!!".  I can't believe I am still allowed in those restaurants after bringing him there.

[Cat of the Canals]

I personally like the idea of bring steak and chips to him. Honestly, my boundary would be not eating in a restaurant with him again, because I would not tolerate the abuse of staff and have no time to sitvand listen to moaning. If he can't behave like an adult and be at least mildly enjoyable as a dining companion, I'm not gonna bother.

He wants steak and chips, fine enough. He'll moan about it being takeaway but he'll moan about eating there too, same difference only minus abuse of servers.

I third this idea (assuming it fits your schedule/preference). One of my personal boundaries is that I will NOT eat in a restaurant with people who are rude to the staff. Period. Nor would I take someone out who whines the whole time. The fact that he does both would make this an absolute deal breaker for me.

[p123]

Its not that just hes old and a bit eccentric - Im sure you all know what I mean???

Its just hes so damn rude to people when there is no need at all. Hes rude to me all the time and he doesnt seem to care.
His answer "well you know me if I've got something to say I've got to say it". Umm no you mind you're own business.

[square]

We know 

If he were just a bit eccentric, we'd encourage you to take the dear old man out for Boxing Day.

The man who abuses his son and the staff, we're saying steak and chips in a takeout bag, to be eaten in the flat where he can locate the toilet all by himself.

[nanotech]

My E UNPDdad was expecting a similar Christmas Day. He could have it if he could act like a grown up at my house. He can't even do that in a restaurant.
He's fine for certain  other family members  so it's definitely a choice.
Is your dad like this with everyone? I'm just wondering if he turns the volume up just for you, or indeed it's a regular pattern.
My dad tried to invite himself for Christmas. He started to do this last March! He's not coming. I had to hold fast with my boundaries and ignore his varied attempts to press my obligation and guilt buttons. He seems to know that I no longer fear him, so that button doesn't get any attention. Though I haven't assumed he won't ever try again to scare me into compliance.
Going out with a member of the family is supposed to be enjoyable for both.

[p123]

My E UNPDdad was expecting a similar Christmas Day. He could have it if he could act like a grown up at my house. He can't even do that in a restaurant.
He's fine for certain  other family members  so it's definitely a choice.
Is your dad like this with everyone? I'm just wondering if he turns the volume up just for you, or indeed it's a regular pattern.
My dad tried to invite himself for Christmas. He started to do this last March! He's not coming. I had to hold fast with my boundaries and ignore his varied attempts to press my obligation and guilt buttons. He seems to know that I no longer fear him, so that button doesn't get any attention. Though I haven't assumed he won't ever try again to scare me into compliance.
Going out with a member of the family is supposed to be enjoyable for both.

Well, he plays up for me but, in general, he treats everyone like crap like his own personal slave.

Apparently, hes going around his cousins daughters house for xmas day lunch. This lady (only met her a few times not sure what relation she is) is recently divorced and apparently new partner is coming for lunch also. Feel a bit sorry for him to be honest.

Yep with you. Dad couldn't act with any manners at all in my house. Every year he'd say something stupid. This seems to have extended to ANYONE in public.

[p123]

Well it didn't got well.....

Phoned him xmas Day and he said he wanted me to pick him up 11am. I said no can do, it'll be 12. So I turn up at 12  - cue 5 min rant how Im an hour late... Jeez good start.
Then I had 3-4 hours of moaning about everything I did. The food I cooked for him, etc.

I left a few things on my plate and he started on at me for that (how can you waste good food like that!). I reminded him WW2 ended a while ago and we were no longer rationing food....
To be honest it was constant from him.

Last thing he wanted me to drive him to his sisters to drop a card off. Yeh no problem - a mile away. Got there and they're both moaning that they've not seen each other for TWO years in person because "noone has time to take them". They've both got money and live a MILE away - get a flipping taxi/cab. Unreal to think this is my family moaning they don't see each for years because they're too tighfistes to pay for a taxi for a ONE MILE journey.

[nanotech]

Perfect example of when you do something for them and while doing so they point out all that is wrong/ inadequate about it. They like to make these criticisms personal. Then despite our act of love we begin feeling like sh..t about ourselves and like we have failed again. 
Then they ask something unexpected. Trying to finally make them a tiny bit happy and thankful, we gladly oblige. 
Again,  you were rewarded with a big wet fish in the the face. Instead of him finally approving of your efforts, you just got (double) moaning and groaning about how they needed you to do this before and wringing of  their hands about the 'wasted years'! 😳🤣

It's. A. Mile.

Did you notice how the pair of them totally blamed you for their non communication?
As you pointed out, it's an easy distance and you dad can afford taxis.
They clearly don't want to be in regular contact. Or at least, your dad doesn't.
What is the point in doing any of it. 
Seriously, it's soul destroying.

[lkdrymom]

Now you know it is not just him, his sister is the same way.

Goodness...why did you spend 3-4 hours there?   Did your brother visit him over the holiday?

[p123]

Yeh it was 3 hours too long......

The visit to his sister was unreal. Its like their both just waiting to die if I'm honest.....

[hhaw]

p123:

How does your brother deal with your dad?