The Rant

[BeautifulCrazy]

uPDh has been cheerful and mostly normal all weekend. I guess I got lulled into a false sense of normalcy cause I broke MC for maybe a minute and shared a tiny bit about a minor situation with a friend. Just making conversation....
Big mistake.

Cue the rant.

It started with a barrage of unsolicited advice
"You gotta...."
"She'd better..."
"You need to...."

He gets louder and more intense. I just sit there.

He is then reminded about something seemingly (to me) unrelated about eldestDS so we are suddenly flipping to...
"You gotta... with DS..."
"DS has gotta f---ing learn..."
"You never...(strange parenting advice)"
"DS always..."
"You and DS always f---ing..."
I break MC momentarily again and briefly interject when he takes a rare breath that "I am not having any issues with DS".
Bad.
Move.
He gives me the look of pure hatred and sighs which lets me know I am committing the death-worthy mistake of "interrupting" (which he says I do all the time) and continues. It has been around 5 minutes now and I have not participated, except for this 2.5 second interjection.

He continues about DS and me, still rising in intensity. I just sit.

Suddenly, we are on to a collection of issues about weird small stuff he is disproportionately annoyed by around the house like dirt / snow on the mudroom floor (um, it's the mudroom...?) touches on getting a piece of sand in his sock?, teenager's body odor, who does more / better laundry, a pencil mark on the wall in the stairwell, something about bedding in the gerbil cage? (which is in a closed child's bedroom, in a part of the house he never goes in) and something about him not wanting me to make him lunch for work? (I don't). I just sit.

He gets to a point where he is standing, gesturing in the middle of the room, deep red in the face, actually spraying saliva as he loudly rants. It has been nearly 10 minutes now. It takes so long because he repeats things nauseatingly over and over and over and then suddenly switches topics and barely even breathes.  There is no room for participation. Not that I care, since I have been safely back in MC since my lapse during the DS is flawed / why you're a terrible parent section of the programme.
So I don't laugh. I don't say something completely rude. I don't try to lighten the mood by teasing him about the rediculousness I am witnessing. I don't walk out (he will follow and escalate). I sit neutrally, controlled, until he runs out of steam and decides on his own that he is going for a cigarette. The whole thing is about 12 minutes. It feels like an hour at least.

I feel like I did a pretty good job during this interaction.  It only escalated to a certain point. I didn't leave, so he didn't follow me around and start really shouting and swearing. I didn't snort, roll my eyes or otherwise break neutral body language. I didn't argue. Or tease. Or really even talk at all, so he didn't get loud and swear and threaten. 
But I also feel like what happened was a huge loss.
He got away with a whole load of bull and probably feels like he is right about it because I just sat there and took it.
I don't know. I'm not really looking for advice or validation. I know I'm leaving him soon and I'm just living out these last weeks or months. I just wanted to share it here where my version of events isn't going to be questioned or scrutinized. I know plenty of you live with this kind of stuff. It feels better just to type it I guess. I feel much calmer than when I began.
Okay. Big group hug. Commiseration. Tea. And on with the day. I have a house nearby to go look at renting.

[sarandro]

Lots of love to you...I hope you can find a place of your own so you never have to deal with this behaviour ever again.
Stay strong, it's the only thing that seems to work!
(PS...I'm still trying with my narc husband, but I'm getting stronger!)
XX

[NumbLotus]

That is just a really special flavor of BS.

I have seen tbat PDs can be triggered in some weird ways by memories attached to certain cues. And I think "triggered" is the right word because it's not just a memory, but they relive the emotions freshly. Yours is just extra special because it leads to a whole trainload of crap.

About a year ago, I passed out in a public place due to stress straining my heart which has been damaged by something. I refused the ambulance but H came and got me and took me to the ER.

I was in the ER, on the bed, on IV drip and we were talking to pass the time. Our converation accidentally veered onto a topic that reminded him of an argument we had in 2001, 18 years prior.

He started literally yelling at me. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ----" "YOU ALWAYS ---" blah blah. I'm in the ER for passing out from stress. I did not reply at all, and made sure to not look at him (when he gets like this he yells at me for looking at him). I basically played dead.

It was super special when he got to, and I am not making this up, "WHY CAN'T YOU EVER LET ANYTHING GO? YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO JUST HOLD ON TO EVERYTHING yJk$w2Oefhs"

My then 13 year old daughter finally snapped at him, "Dad, she's not even saying anything, knock it off" LOLOLOL. He sat there and stewed angrily for however long in silence.

[Stillirise]

Ahhh, the rambling, frothing, all over the timeline, grasping at straws rant. How I loathe thee.

I can so relate. Even in medium chill, I occasionally manage to say/don't say something that triggers one. Even if I don't participate, I'm left feeling drained and emotionally bruised (manipulated?) afterward.

Recently, I tried discussing an issue related to DD, that I thought I should not keep from her other parent.  Somehow the resulting rant turned to the kitchen sink—literally, among many other things, ranging from years 2000-2017. All about me, of course. He managed to circle it back around to how this caused DD to have this issue, since it's something just like I would do.   

NumbLotus, my DS has also begun calling out the BS when he hears it.  It's nice that our children have the capacity to stand up, but so sad that they have to do so.

I'm so thankful that we have this safe place to put this stuff out there.  It really helps me process it, too.

[Fortuna]

BeautifulCrazy just wow that's a lot to take in one sitting. Have you considered recording it for the divorce proceeding? (Some states allow recording as long as one person knows about it.)

StillRise, When I realized my kids were adopting strategies to deal with my uPD mom was about the time NC started becoming a reality.

[Sweetbriar]

BeautifulCrazy, I could see it all in my mind, like a movie, as you explained it. He's the villain and you are formulating your plan. It's horrible what he is doing. He is diminishing not just you but your kids. I am glad you are planning to leave him.
Will you keep it to yourself? I've read a lot lately about leaving relationship with a PD partner and how important it is to make a very secret plan.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I did do some audio recording before, Fortuna!
The last time I left him, I recorded him screaming and swearing and threatening me in case I needed it for the police. (They turned out to be completely uninterested.) The recording was useful for reminding me that I was not crazy, nor was I imagining things to be worse than they actually were.
There wasn't much point beyond that.
The divorce will be uncomplicated. I won't have to bring up or prove anything to get a divorce where I live. The children aren't his. He owns the house as per our cohabitation agreement. It was always his. I have never invested in it and have not even lived in it consistently since our marriage. I will just take what possessions are mine, leave what is his, and get the heck out!!
You are right Sweetbriar, I will have to keep everything very secret until the day I leave. I have done some preparatory work that I can't hide like opening a separate bank account and establishing my own cell phone and vehicle insurance plans. There has been some blowback already regarding those, but I don't think he really believes I am capable of leaving again. I am too weak and incapable.
Other things I can likely keep secret, like my search for housing, my approaching change in employment and the storage unit where I have been squirreling away my family heirlooms, important documents and favorite things belonging to my kids.
What I need now is to save enough money for a few months expenses and find a place to rent. In the meantime I am rallying my peeps for support I will need during the transition, packing things that won't be noticed and keeping things calm and cool. Once I have secured housing, my family and friends will come help me move everything one day while he is at work and I will disappear and block all contact.

[Jsinjin]

I'm so very sorry!   My heart goes out for you.   It's amazing how often normal life events turn a PD into an explosive gripe fest.

I've seen it and I'm sorry for anyone stuck dealing with it.

[Sweetbriar]

That sounds like a good plan BeautifulCrazy.

[Spygirl]

You, my dear,

Are the very best form of a ninja warrior!

I wish you peace and rest when you get out!