I'm an accidental flying monkey

[ddrpepper]

TL;DR - I fell for a text from a known flying monkey - "how are things?" and ended up impacting my husband's peace since the info clearly immediately went back to MIL and now she's blowing up his phone. I'm disappointed in myself and seeking encouragement 

My husband is NC with MIL. He has been VLC but after their last few interactions, he has felt so hurt he is now not interested in engaging with her further at this time. He feels she only reaches out if has some kind of drama/trauma, mostly recently the death of her former fiancee, talks about herself non-stop for 30-40 minutes - throws in obligatory "how are you?" "how's the family" at the end with generally rejecting/unkind responses. He most recently spoke to her to inform her we were expecting our second child then didn't hear from her for over 6 weeks.

Interim, I had shared our good news with other extended family members who all responded in loving, encouraging ways (I have been very ill again this pregnancy.) While most extended family members report that MIL will not speak to them, she seems to "find out" or know if I have been engaged with any of them and will then ramp up her efforts to outreach to my husband around those times. My husband feels this is performative and she still doesn't care, she just cares that other people know she isn't that close to us because they have information she doesn't have which makes her jealous and rageful so he continues to exercise NC with her.

MIL is deeply enmeshed with her elderly father and her sister who lives with him and rely on them for her primary
emotional support and to be her emissaries to contact husband when she doesn't feel she is receiving a response to her attempts to contact him. This sister is a known flying monkey, I have been told numerous times specifically to "not trust her" yet when I was having a particularly rough day recently, she did randomly reach out ("how are things?") and I took the bait and responded.

Although I feel with any normal person or other family member this should be an innocent exchange since I have full awareness of this situation, I take responsibility for the fact my engagement with her was in an attempt to gain care or acceptance in some way and that was my error. I set myself up to get hurt I shared with her an update on my medical situation and a request for continued prayers, mentioned 2 things my son has been enjoying doing lately and that my husband was considering taking on additional responsibility at work in a sort of lateral promotion.

She responded "that's good about the promotion"

I responded that he was considering it but wanted more information about details and salary as he had recently passed on a different promotion that didn't feel like the right fit for him at this time. He is well liked and respected in his company and has already been promoted twice in his 16 months with this company and I'm so proud of him for all of his hard work. She did not respond further.

My husband feels his Mom was probably with his Aunt and dictating the messages (she has a history of doing this and hence why I've been instructed to NOT communicate with younger half brother after he returned from college to live in her home as it makes him more vulnerable to her abuse of privacy, being badgered to be her flying monkey, etc.) especially since ZERO interest was shown towards details regarding myself or our son. Since then MIL has called my husband every other day leaving voicemails he doesn't listen to until then Aunt text over the weekend "hey just wondering about that promotion" to both of he and I on a group text since he won't respond to his texts from them.

I wish I could just tell them that he wants NC with MIL and this exchange made him feel distrustful so I now will not be responding to her inquiries either but that just seems unnecessary since we know they won't adhere to any boundaries anyway so stating them does...?

I'm just hoping to find some support from anyone else who has to remind themselves they aren't the expert on their partner's family of origin and are asked to do things that FEEL "cold" or "mean" (like ignoring texts or phone calls?) but that they logically know are NC boundaries that are put in place to keep us safe.

I'm hoping I'm not the only one who inadvertently violates their partner's boundaries with their own need to seek approval since now I feel doubly bad - those 2 gals still openly dislike me and I've made my husband more anxious and on edge because he's being harassed by his abuser about his career that she's never taken an interest in...

[Starboard Song]

TL;DR - I'm disappointed in myself and seeking encouragement 

I'm just hoping to find some support from anyone else who has to remind themselves they aren't the expert on their partner's family of origin and are asked to do things that FEEL "cold" or "mean" (like ignoring texts or phone calls?) but that they logically know are NC boundaries that are put in place to keep us safe.

I'm hoping I'm not the only one who inadvertently violates their partner's boundaries with their own need to seek approval since now I feel doubly bad

You are not alone. And you are not a flying monkey. At most you made a mistake.

Go easy on yourself. This is PhD level interpersonal conflict. We all start at kindergarten level and have to learn so fast, with almost no guidance. And it strikes right to our emotional and spiritual hearts, so the stakes couldn't be higher. In that environment, you just cannot possibly be perfect.

I wanted to discuss our crisis with my in-laws on occasions when my wife didn't. I was inadvertently forcing her to re-live things, and I regret it. On other occasions, I'd try to game plan how we'd respond to an overture that seemed sincere, and I was emphatic that we expressly keep a door open for future healing. This made my wife feel like at any moment I was about to wave a white flag and suggest we forgive and forget. I regret that, too. But we talked and talked and talked. We had to be honest -- a lot -- with each other to keep ourselves aligned. And we agreed, before we even realized how big our crisis would be (we are now 6 years NC) that it was a threat to our peace, and we would not allow that.

So for all of our efforts to share with each other, we each both made mistakes that stressed the other partner out in some ways. I regret my mistakes and I am sure my wife regrets hers. But we also know we did our level best every day to be honest and clear every second. That's what I think you should shoot for with your DH. You can expect no better from each other than open hearts and loyalty.

It is also important, to not view this as "his problem," with you in a support role. You two are equal partners in my view. Many of us follow a rule of your-parents-your-decisions, my-parents-my-decisions. My DW and I had always done the same until our crisis. I now think it is a mistake.

Marriage really does unite you and your spouse as a unit, and unites your families. When these terrible crises hit, I believe we ought to unite as a couple and make decisions together. Because NC impacts your children, and can be an impact of every major family gathering for the rest of your life. Giving ownership of something so huge to one spouse seems to me to be wrong. It is HARD to stay tight on this stuff. I had never experienced what my wife grew up with. I was deeply naive. She couldn't imagine my degree of trust and optimism, and didn't know its tools. We spent just scores of hours walking it out, talking it out, learning from one another. At the end we had learned so much about each other, and it was truly beautiful. I think this sort of partnership is very important to helping a marriage stay strong through the pain of NC, and I encourage it.

Your DH knows you love him, and you can tell him for free any time. You both know that neither of you is perfect, and you can remind each other that marriage vows were accepted, warts and all.

Be good. Be strong.

[bloomie]

ddrpepper - hi there and welcome! So thankful you reached out for encouragement! Thank you for sharing this vulnerable moment in your life and marriage with us!

Here's the bottom line... family relationships and connections were never, ever meant to be like this. Like walking through a house of mirrors or quicksand. Every single step thought out and every response considered for the impact it could have on those we love the very most. A level of vigilance and understanding required that is most likely impossible to sustain daily/longterm.

Sometimes we are caught in a vulnerable moment and we respond in a way that in a loving, reasonably healthy family system would be absolutely a non issue. And we falter with the weight of it all. Because we are not wired to not respond in lovingkindness to others. Period.

It is an unlearning, if you will. A deconstructing of our natural, gracious and friendly instincts. It is not an act of betrayal unless it is a repeated disregard for your DH's stated wishes - which this is clearly not!

When we make mistakes we own them, we learn from them, and we wrap our arms around each other and our little ones and we go forward together. A bit wiser and eyes wide open.

I agree with Starboard Song that this is complex and very hard and we will make mistakes. The only thing that would be a true wrong would be to let those that do not mean you well and have your family's best interest at heart in anyway divide you.

I could fill the page with the mistakes I have made and how I have added to my own DH's pain unbeknownst to me by allowing a family member of his to capitalize on my moments of F (fear), O (obligation), G (guilt).

Believe me when I say... we get better at this and we grow in our understanding of one another through it all.

Hope you sleep well tonight and embrace a new day tomorrow with a gentle view of yourself!

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree with everything said above. You are not the flying monkey here. Aunt is. She took advantage of your desire for genuine communication. That's on her. And it's why the old adage is "Fool me once, shame on you..."

There's a silver-ish lining here, which is that she's now shown you who she is... and that is someone who needs to be in a strict information diet. Any further communication with her should take place with the knowledge that she's going to run to MIL and regurgitate every last morsel. So anything you don't want MIL to know, Aunt can't know either.

I'm just hoping to find some support from anyone else who has to remind themselves they aren't the expert on their partner's family of origin and are asked to do things that FEEL "cold" or "mean" (like ignoring texts or phone calls?) but that they logically know are NC boundaries that are put in place to keep us safe.

This is the part you can cling to in the times when you start feeling cold/mean. These boundaries are not apropos of nothing. I imagine they came about after repeated disrespect and abusive behavior. They wouldn't be necessary or even exist if you were dealing with caring, trustworthy people.

[Maz]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You had no bad intentions or Ill will when you shared information. You just wanted to engage with someone who asked a reasonable question. You can't control what she did with the information you shared but you can choose to not share again if she broke your trust.

It's hard to stay strong and sometimes we make mistakes but you need support as much as your husband does.

Take some time to be kind to yourself, maybe have a date night for you and Dh. Some TLC to get you both back in the right mindset.