Boundary Issues

[SpringSunshine]

Hello,

This is my second post aside from my introduction. I have been having issues with my in-laws in relation to boundaries, "playing victim," and manipulation. Things are much better now that I live independently with my husband, but in the first few years of our relationship, we lived with his parents. I questioned my self and experienced a lot of self-blame at the beginning when his mom would make passive aggressive comments or his parents would critique anywhere from my housekeeping skills to how I dressed. My husband felt like his parents intentions were not malicious and that the comments were just only meant to be funny and no harm. He was in denial and probably felt that everything was normal.

There was a time when we were setting up the wedding reception venue and my husband was with his dad picking something up at the store. His mom, aunt, and grandma displayed the one picture from our engagement pictures that I didn't like how it turned out even though my husband thought it was fine. I politely asked them to take it down as I didn't think that was a good one of us. They declined to take it down, so I asked again. They refused to take it down. I replied that I guess it was about us that day anyway and continued to set up the venue. His mom unknown to me had gone outside to the parking lot. My husband arrived and asked what happened. I mentioned that they declined to take the picture down and that I didn't realize she was outside. He said that wasn't what he heard as she, his aunt, and grandma said I threw a fit about the picture. He told me I should go outside and when I got outside his mom had her arms crossed standing outside with her husband. I asked why she was outside and said something about princess didn't get her way and it's all about me and what I want and went on. I mentioned that it is our wedding day and that she had her wedding day. His dad mentioned that I'll be a part of the family. Maybe he was implying I should act like it? His mom said no she won't. My husband said that he told her she needed to apologize to me and the next time she came over with my husband and his dad and said she guesses she is sorry. Two years later, she told me I ruined her only son's wedding day. 

I was beginning to have a decrease in self-esteem and self-worth. Through therapy, I am in the process of building up my assertiveness and self-esteem. I am currently attending couples therapy with my husband as well. I have noticed some improvement in him setting boundaries and being more independent. Recently, I have been doubting myself and feel similar to what I did a few years ago when I was doubting myself.

We had an instance today, where my husband's phone accidentally dropped a call with his mom due to it not
functioning properly.  My husband's mom thought that he hung up on her and instead of answering the phone when he tried calling her back, his dad answered. Husband mentioned he would get his phone fixed or look at options tomorrow at the cell phone store as he had to work today. His mom and dad dropped by to drop off leftover food for him and his mom brought up the phone issue. She mentioned the idea that he could get a new phone, that they would look into different options at the store etc... I told her that we had two old phones in good condition (one from his dad), that we could swap out with his old phone and that we would take care of it tomorrow. She continued to talk about a new phone and again how they would check out options at the store today themselves. I stated again that we could handle it ourselves tomorrow and she said In a tone that was fine and walked to her car. At this point in time, a new phone isn't with our budget and we haven't even looked into the options yet ourselves. She declined to say goodbye and then drove off. Husband mentioned that I shouldn't have said anything and that now his mom was mad. He said he'll have to deal with it later and that I should call and apologize to her. Husband was frustrated with me. He said that they were just trying to help and that if it were reversed parents that I would be upset if he told my parents no to help. I mentioned that I would be wondering why my parents couldn't take no for an answer either. His dad called about 15 minutes later saying that he was looking at phones and there was one for $500. He told my husband he could be on a payment plan and then asked what color he wanted. My husband went along with it all and apologized for earlier in the day. He told his dad that he had talked to me about how if roles were reversed, I'd be upset at him.

Something we've discussed in therapy is handling his parents as a unified team. I realize that I shouldn't have said anything today because I should have predicted that his mom would react and the tables would be turned on me. I do appreciate help, but I don't appreciate when his parents don't accept no for an answer. We hadn't even discussed anything about a new phone and our options and they were already ready to go to the cell phone store without my husband. I wanted to stand my ground with his mom as he had told them we would go as a couple tomorrow to handle his phone situation and they couldn't take his answer at that.

This is not the first time they have crossed boundaries. I won't go into major detail, but there have been instances where my husband has mentioned that he was going to buy dress clothes with me for a wedding. His mom and dad then insisted on going along and paying for the clothes as well as trying to pick out clothes for him. At one pint his mom had mentioned that she wanted to go the previous weekend to look at clothes with him, but he wouldn't go as I was out of town for a school event and that she wished they would have gone anyway. He became frustrated during that time as his mom was picking different clothes for him to try on and he wasn't really getting a say. She confessed to me that she felt like she shouldn't have been there as she could tell he was angry. I reassured her and helped smooth things over.

Another instance is when his mom's coworker had mentioned that she was selling a house she owned in the country. My mother in law had discussed financing and different details with her without even discussing with us whether we were even interested.

These are only a few instances, but I just feel like the progress my husband and I have made has been set back by today's instance. I realize maybe not saying anything at all will help not add fuel to the fire. I also want to see my husband being heard too....

Thank you for any input and thank you also for taking the time to read.

[Cat of the Canals]

I mentioned that I would be wondering why my parents couldn't take no for an answer either.

This was my thought exactly. It sounds to me like your in-laws struggle to see your husband as an adult and that your family is separate from theirs. I personally find the notion of your MIL insisting she go shopping for clothes with her grown son a bit bizarre. (Unless he specifically asked for her assistance.) I stopped shopping for clothes with my mother when I was in high school, for crying out loud.

I think the biggest issue at this point is the fact that you and your husband don't seem to be on the same page at all. That's going to make setting boundaries really difficult, especially when his response is to try to get you to apologize for it when you do.

Would it be possible for you to have some joint therapy sessions? It might be that a neutral third party could help ease him into the notion that there is some dysfunction going on here.

[Poison Ivy]

I think your in-laws have huge boundary issues. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Sidney37]

Hi Springsunshine

I am also sorry that you are dealing with this.  Your in-laws seem to have boundary issues, for sure.  They seem to think that they are the adults and you and your husband are children for whom they still need to make decisions. 

It also seems that your family (you and your husband) are possibly financially dependent on them?  I'm surprised that they are making financial decisions about housing, phones and clothing for him.  Are they paying other bills as well?

I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy about this.  Is your therapist seeing the violation of boundaries?