Processing the situation with my uBPD sister

LemonLime · March 02, 2019, 01:55:04 PM

This PD thing really does require moving the 5 stages of grief, doesn't it?

I have a very high-functioning uBPD sister. She is funny, smart, creative, generous, productive, and can be one of the most empathetic people I know. We have been best friends at various points in our lives, and in spite of her tendency for lots and lots of drama, I have felt lucky to have her as my sister and as someone who will be able to help me cope with the eventual loss of parents, etc.

She may still be there for that sort of thing. But as for the day-to-day, I've lost much hope that we will ever be friends again. She is wonderful 90% of the time, but the 10% is bad enough that it really is a deal-breaker for a relationship. She crosses too many boundaries. She expects me to go on (after she has insulted me and categorized me as selfish, lazy, mean or whatever) without any acknowledgment or explanation or apology from her. I am NOT to question her meltdown. I am not to defend myself. I am not to set boundaries. I am not to ask her to get professional help. Apparently I am to ABSORB, and understand, and even buy into the idea that her meltdown was completely justified by the fact that I forgot to do some small task for her, or that my housekeeper didn't acknowledge her effusively enough, or whatever thing she feels is so monumental and awful that it's nearly unforgivable.

Her reaction to these "slights" is so great and emotional that she literally clutches her chest, wells up with tears and can barely speak for all the heart-wrenching emotion, as if she's just been stabbed in the heart, left at the altar, or whatever. She has been WRONGED, permanently HARMED. SLAYED.

She doesn't get violent. She doesn't swear. She just puts all her unrealistic expectations on me.

Her boundaries, I've finally realized, are really screwed up. In fact, although the family has always known she was very emotional and prone to meltdowns, I never realized that almost all of her issues can be explained when I see that she simply has terrible boundaries. When one has terrible boundaries, one expects others to read one's mind. And one believes that they are capable of reading others' minds. And those 2 things alone lead to a whole lot of misunderstandings and screwed-up stuff.

I am left with a choice: 1) allow her to go on telling us all that we are terrible, and that we are lucky that she even speaks to us. Or 2) set boundaries in terms of how we will conduct the relationship. I will no longer do #1. So I will do #2, and in fact have done that. Her response to #2 is to try valiantly to get back into "victim" role by insinuating that I have cut off contact with her to some extent. That I "refuse to forgive her" for her "emotional moment". Well, it was more than an emotional moment, it was an accusation and character assasination. And there was no forgiveness asked. Not even an acknowledgment that she over-reacted. Certainly no apology or promise to do better next time.

I'm reading a lot about the Karpman Drama Triangle and realizing that she loves playing Victim and Rescuer. She casts others into Persecutor role. In fact, I see our relationship as hopeless because she insists on others being Persecutor. I don't believe she realizes that this is how she has lived her whole life. It is all she knows and it is how she is most comfortable.

She is delusional. And I am moving through the letting-go process. This is just so sad.

Oldturtlelady · March 03, 2019, 12:21:42 PM

I could really identify with your post. It is so sad. I have also had to set extreme boundaries with my uBPD sister and she still tests them sometimes. But it has spared me a lot of tension and grief. Someone directed me to Out of the FOG and it has been very helpful. I was reminded my sister is responsible for her own thoughts and behavior. Not everyone will understand why we've set boundaries, but we are not required to take abuse or "absorb" (what a good way to put it) their negativity when they are having a meltdown. Yes,there is a grieving process and it will take time. Best wishes for strength and courage on the journey.

LemonLime · March 03, 2019, 05:00:54 PM

Thanks, oldturtlelady. Your support means a lot. I wish you the best with your sister as well. Our sisters may not see it this way, but I do think they are fortunate that we are working hard to understand them and make the best of the situation.

guitarman · March 04, 2019, 05:07:50 AM

Your sister sounds very much like my uBPD/uNPD sister.

Observe don't absorb. Stay calm no matter what happens. Don't feed the narcissistic supply. It's what I try to do. Your sister is seeking any reaction from you.

Your sister, like mine, is quite a histrionic drama queen. Actors need audiences. I wonder how she behaves with people who aren't her family? Does she have many friends or have they all left? Does she behave differently around them?

I use Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques to stay calm and sane. I don't take the bait of her trying to push all my buttons. Well I try. She can say the most deranged and dellusional things to upset me. Then she believes her own unreality as her truth. She lives in a world of fear, of feeling threatened and being scared all the time.

This is all about looking after yourself more than caring about how your sister feels or reacts and about building up your own self esteem. You aren't responsible for her reactions. How she behaves is up to her not you.

I've come to realise that my sister is an abuser and I am the target of her abuse. If I analyse her behaviour like that it all begins to make sense. Abusers are all about power and control. Your sister is controlling how you want to feel, think and behave. That is where all your stress comes from.

My sister projects all her fears into me. What she says about me is what she is feeling about herself. It's taken me many years to realise that.

The person I follow most online is the counsellor and author Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks on YouTube most Sundays on her "We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez" YouTube channel.

I hope that with time you can gradually detach yourself from your sister before you become mentally ill yourself. I've been there myself because the stress became too much for me to cope with.

Your sister expects to continue to abuse you and for you to keep silent and take it fearing the consequences of her behaviour towards you if you dare challenge or confront her. Doesn't this sound like abuse and coercive controlling behaviour towards you?

I care but can't cope. I care about myself and care not to be abused any more.

Best wishes

guitarman X

STG3 · March 04, 2019, 07:10:38 PM

Ugh, I'm really so sorry. I relate in so many ways. It truly is a grief and sadness to process dealing with a uPD sibling who can be so wonderful at times. For me**, realizing the following has been helpful. (**just starring the for me because I'm not a professional and I don't mean to say that you need to do any of the following; these are just the realizations that have been helpful for me to reach).

(1) Realizing that they are not a victim; they have made the choice to refuse any sort of treatment, whatsoever. *Not* getting help is a choice. Sure, they've been dealt an unfortunate set of cards in life, but they could choose to listen to the important loved ones in their life and make choices to become a better, more stable person.

(2) There is a cycle of abuse in place. This one was really hard for me to come to terms with and accept. But there is, and it is my responsibility to step out of it and end it. That's on me.

(3) This is a difficult/ possibly controversial one, but working to disengage emotionally is what ultimately I've found to be necessary for dealing with NPD types (you say your sister is BPD so could be a different thing). With NPD though, the control they have over you is all emotional (FOG after all is emotion-based). So for me, working to disengage emotionally means they lose any control they have over me. On a human level, I still wish for the best for them, but I try to leave it there.

LemonLime · March 05, 2019, 07:40:36 PM

Thanks STG3 and guitarman. It helps to know I'm not alone. I agree that disengaging and Gray Rock and Medium Chill are the way to go.

I would hate to have regrets, which brings me to the question.....what if my sister would get help if she knew she had BPD? I know it's sort of risky to tell her that I suspect that's what she has. But what if she doesn't know and education could help?

I know that the literature and many peoples' experience indicates that uBPDs doe not react well to being told they might have a PD. But if I don't tell her, I feel like I'll always regret that to some extent.

Maybe there's a thread on this already.

STG3 · March 09, 2019, 03:17:50 PM

Hi Kat1984, so my take is this: ultimately none of us are trained professionals who are qualified to diagnose and treat the PDs in our lives.

If we noticed our siblings suddenly limping and not doing anything to treat it, we'd probably say something along the lines of "hey, it looks like something might be going on with your foot/ leg. why don't we go to the doctor and have them take a look at it?" We wouldn't try to diagnose them.

I think the *best* possible solution is for the PD to simply go to therapy, and for a licensed trained professional (not a family member) to work with them to treat them. Family can be an important part of the support network of course, but I don't see a course of action where it's helpful for a close family member to armchair diagnose someone in the throes of a PD.

LemonLime · March 10, 2019, 12:39:30 AM

Good take, STG3. I like the limping analogy.

I have urged her to get therapy (after telling her that I am getting therapy around our relationship "because the issues we have are too big for me to solve".)

So, maybe this is all I can do. I can cross my fingers she will do it, and that the therapist will be wise enough to see that there are two sides of every story. And that he/she will be savvy enough to figure out how to help her. And that my sister will not fire the therapist.

Ugh. Writing it out like this really underlines that this is a longshot. But I guess it's the best shot I have.

Oldturtlelady · March 10, 2019, 01:55:16 PM

Thanks STG3 for putting those 3 realizations so clearly. I still have a long way to go on #3 with my sister, which is why I am still very low contact. Not all family members and friends recognize the cycle she and I have been in for so long, so it's hard for them to understand my need to disengage. But it's what I need to do for myself now.