Small lies but deep hurt

[Rose01]

My partner has previously cheated on me (a few times).  We both had counselling and we have been working very hard and building trust. I have since found messages to girls that he has deleted and he very recently told me he was quitting a regular sports contest that he attends to spend more time with me. I then found out he booked a weekend away to do the same thing he told me quit, he made out that it was a different age category that he quit. I sat down with him and told him how I felt, particularly how important it is to be authentic and not keep things from me. He told me he was sorry and would cancel but I felt that was guilt tripping as I never even asked him to quit in the first place.

He helps me financially but I've told him this is not as important as being open and honest. He has no reason to keep things from me as I never stop him from doing anything he wants. After I tried to talk to him and tell him how I feel he didn't say anything and is now ignoring me. I'm not sure how to feel and what to do next.

[Rebel13]

Hi Rose! Your story is so similar to the ones I read all the time on the Chump Lady website. https://www.chumplady.com/ You might check it out, as she posts all the time about infidelity and personality disorders (specifically narcissism), and there is a very supportive community of commenters there who have experienced what you have. I hope this helps you as well as getting help from the great community here.

[bloomie]

Rose01 - I read some of your back posts to get a better sense of things in responding to you. If you think of the atmosphere in this relationship as soil in the garden of your life, is there nourishment enough for you to not just keep the status quo, but to grow and flourish in?

Is there enough between you to establish deep roots that allow you both individually and together to bear fruit and thrive? How much of your time, emotions, energy do you spend trying to convince yourself this person has changed or convince this person of 'how' important it is to be open and honest when isn't that the starting gate position for developing a close, safe, intimate connection with someone?

Is it fair to say your partner already knows something that every one of us who enters an 'exclusive' intimate agreement with another knows, one should show up open and honest, but something he has repeatedly violated.

Is he somehow manipulating you into the position of 'teacher' 'therapist' the one who sees beyond the immature and disloyal ways that are hurting you and undermining your view of yourself, but willing to stay the course, being 100% committed hoping against hope that this time will be different.

Taking some time to look at the bigger picture and imagine 5 more years of the same keeping in mind your worth, your health, and what you want for your life may be helpful.

[notrightinthehead]

From what you wrote it sounds like you have reason to be suspicious. Often past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour. He has cheated on you before. He has lied to you before. You might be lying to yourself if you tell yourself that he is trustworthy.
What would you do if you found out that your suspicions are justified?

[Boat Babe]

I am also a great fan of Chump Lady. Very helpful blog and forum there.