BPD and Alcoholism

[NumbLotus]

The strong emotions she may feel may be out of her control, but hitting and pinching you are not. She is fine with those behaviors, so it will continue.

You are NOT to blame for them.

I too just let things go, I know how it is. Nothing will change. I can either just agree to move on or ruin another day in my life. Same difference. So I am asking myself if leaving is best for our daughter, but in the meantime, I can either gray rock and just drop it ir I can try to force H into seeing something he is literally incapable of seeing.

But I am thinking whether I'm done doing either one of those.

[1footouttadefog]

Ambien and Xanax are benzodiazapines.

For my spouse these are incompatible with his rate and anger management issues.  The psychiatrists do not prescribe them under such corcumstances because they lower inhibitions more than they lower the overall anger and rage.  This is dangerous for obvious reasons. 

My spouse is on many medications for symptoms such as sleep issues, bipolar and others.  At the end of the day when all is as good as it can be it's the of that is left after the meds.

[GentleSoul]

My uPD husband is also an alcoholic.  I think he uses alcoholic to feel more comfortable in his own skin.  He has drank very heavily all his life, it is now killing him.

I found Al-anon incredibly helpful, I have been working on my own recovery from co-dependency. I grew up in an alcoholic and PD home so I had lots to update and correct about my own attitudes and outlook on life.

[rlainfrank]

Update: she decided on Friday she wanted to drink again and said, "just so you know, I'm having a glass of wine tonight."   I calmly said that she would be going to dinner alone then, and I would be leaving (which I wasn't coming back if she didn't quit after she punched me).  She then said she was going to drive to her sisters.  I calmly said that was a great idea.  I had made up my mind, I was leaving.  A lot more back and forth happened, and classic BP stuff, but she eventually left for her sisters.  Regardless if she drank or not, this will continue to be a problem plus the BP, plus the anger, plus the violence...with no external help and refusal to get any.  With her gone, I took the opportunity to get my stuff out, and It really isn't much.  I left her a nice note, didn't blame her, rather me, headed to my sisters.  I don't want her in a rage driving back, so I am putting up a front (as much as I hate it) until she gets back.

The only hard part is we work together. 

It just won't ever get better, especially since she refuses any suggestion of help (drinking or otherwise)  :-(

[GettingOOTF]

In my experience you are correct, it doesn't get better.

Any mental health issues aside, very few relationships survive the addict getting sober. Many people feel the drinking etc. is the issue but it's not, the drinking simply helps the addict cope with the underlying issue.

I read something on a recovery board where someone had posted that their partner had broken up with them from rehab. Someone explained that addicts are deeply unhappy in active addiction and that when you are with an active addict it's pretty much the worst time of their lives. When they get sober they want a fresh start, that why would they go back to someone who was part of the worst part of their life? This was from the perspective of a sober alcoholic. On the flip side the Family section is filled with people who eventually left because of continued relapsingor getting sober but still behaving as if they were drinking. It's often pointed out that abusive alcoholics are still abusive when they get sober. They say something like "a sober thief is still a thief". Your wife isn't behaving the way she is because she drinks. The drinking may somewhat amplify this, but who she is drunk is who she is when her inhibitions are out aside. This is who she is and you must ask yourself if this is acceptable to you, is this the life you wish to live. You may decide that it is and work on building tools for yourself in order to stay, but you won't be able to change or control her, only how you react to her.   

I grew up with addiction and I married someone with addiction issues. I see how hard it is for people to remove the substance and then work on the underlying issues. The percentage of people who relapse is very high. This isn't the place for that discussion but there is plenty of info on the web about this and AA has numbers they quote.

You are dealing with a very complex set of issues. Each on their own is pretty unsurmountable. What support are you getting for yourself? No one can make another person want to get sober and even people who want it more than anything fail. In Al-Anon they focus very much on staying on your side of the street. The addict is going to do what they are going to do regardless of what you want. All you can do is protect yourself.

There is no way your wife is not drinking at her sisters. If she gets a DUI this will impact you and your finances, especially if she injures someone or damages property. I would see an attorney and assess my options.

Did you check out Codependent No More? It's written for people in your exact situation. On recovery boards that's the first thing they recommend to people in relationships with addicts, along with Al-Anon.

[theonetoblame]

Your wife isn't behaving the way she is because she drinks. The drinking may somewhat amplify this, but who she is drunk is who she is when her inhibitions are out aside.

I believe you make a very important observation GettingOOTF. I have been reading this thread for a while, the behaviors of the OP's wife are well beyond anything that could be accounted for by alcohol abuse. I had a PD girlfriend for a few years and have an older brother who actively uses alcohol to manage his PD symptoms. I made the mistake for years of focusing on the substance abuse with both of them and in a similar manner as the OP maintained what turned out to be a completely false hope that in the absence of substance abuse they would be different or better people.

Not only did the substance abuse never stop, during the brief windows when it was reduced their behavior just became about some other ridiculous thing. My brother quickly swings manic and starts calling with the "next great plan" that's going to make him rich, better, fitter, whatever, just a bunch of noise as nothing ever changed. The ex girlfiend would swing immediately towards challenging the integrity of our relationship, breaking up, getting back together, rinse/repeat ad nauseum. Her pattern of starting to throw punches and household items at the slightest provocation didn't get better, at all, and when she wasn't directing this at me it started to be turned on herself, she was simply incapable of stopping the destruction.

Having been through it, all I can recommend is completely untangling the relationship and never speaking to the person again.