NIece's troubling behavior

[Danie]

My husband's niece asked if she could stay with us 1 night a week during the school year. She got a job in our area and lives 70 miles away. I guess it would alleviate at least 1 day of a super long commute for her. We said "yes" and it's been nothing but chaos.

We set up a space for her, bought new furnishings and planned meals. After not hearing from her for a couple months, after her initial request, she finally stayed 1 night. In corresponding with her about her stay (texting) and when she arrived I've detected lots of small lies and inconsistencies in her communication. We're just overlooking it, but now she has cancelled, at the last minute, her next 2 stays, which were Thursdays.

The 1 night she did stay we got caught up by chatting in the living room for a couple hours. She admitted she screwed up her last job (closer to her home) and got let go. She had given us a different story before. She also gave us different starting times at her new job; not sure why.
She also told us she went bankrupt 2 years earlier because they overspent on their wedding which was 3 years ago. I don't know how she's going to buy a house closer to her job after she went bankrupt, and her husband kind of sounds like a deadbeat. Letting her drive so far for work. She claims that's their plan, to buy a house next summer.  Our niece said at the time they went bankrupt she was the only one working.

Now, we don't know where we stand. She left a bunch of stuff here from her 1 night and she said "I really want to stay on an as-needed basis". We said no because we want a 2 day notice. Her car broke down, and she's sounding like she's having issues at her new job with her boss!

I'm sick of being jerked around for the last 3 months. I don't think she'll even stay here and I'm not waiting around. I feel bad for her and her life seems like it's really going to tank, anytime. She may have latched onto us for some kind of security, but I can't handle the lying. She seems too messed up for us to help her. I don't know if I should be blunt with her ( don't want to hurt her) and say, "you sound confused about your life" and "you need to figure things out for yourself". My husband is relieved she's not staying here.

We helped her out 10 years ago and gave her $700.00 to fix her car, but we decided that was it for financial help. She's 30 and has a Master's degree in Social Work, and has a ton of school loan debt --like $800.00 a month.

Any helpful thoughts? What is up with her? Should I worry?

[blacksheep7]

Hi Danie,

If you caught the lies,  then you really can't count on her to tell you the truth, she doesn't seem to know herself if she's coming or going (what she tells you).  She might be hiding something that she doesn't want to share, might be going to sleep at a friend or bf, so many possibilities. She is an adult but she should at least consider to call you if she doesn't plan to come home to sleep.
If it puts you in an awkward situation, you could have a talk with her stating your reasons or cancel the  boarding altogether.  It's your house, your rules.  IMO



It's as if you are describing my niece, 30 years old.  Very unpredictable, full of lies, in debt, working  two or changing jobs and nothing to show for it.  Gone back to her enmeshed parents twice, always broke.  She even told her mother (my sister) that someone, a friend of a friend  gave her a one week trip to Cuba.  This was during the time she went back to M and F in debt.  Yeah, right.  Her mother believed her.

good luck

[Danie]

Black Sheep, good point about lying. After I wrote that post I thought more about it and I think her main problem is she's in deep doo-doo financially and maybe thought she could indirectly get some financial help from us again. My assessment is that her life is in financial ruin and what they need to do is each work 2 jobs near their home and quit driving here which is counter-productive. She owes thousands in school loans, which is a tragedy, but now she has to figure a way out. If she went to a financial planner I'm sure they could help her with a budget.
Either way, it's not our problem. I feel bad for her, but she did it to herself.

I'll give her a couple more chances, but then I'm going to say, "uh, no, not here".  I think she is hiding the fact that her life is in crisis and she doesn't know what to do, and that her husband is kind of a slackard. Sad.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've been in a similar position and found the more we catered to the family member "in need," the less they did for themselves. Knowing they had us as a safety net made them think they could keep doing the same old crap, and we'd always be there to bail them out. Which is a shame because we wanted the best for this person and were happy to help, but it became quite clear that we were only enabling their behavior.

To me it sounds like your niece is very immature, especially for being 30 with a master's degree. I'm not sure I have any specific advice, other than adhering to the boundaries you've set (and augmenting them as you see fit). e.g. Wanting a few days' notice that she'll be staying is perfectly reasonable. If she can't manage that, it's on her. Surely she knows her work schedule more than two days in advance????

[blacksheep7]

I've been in a similar position and found the more we catered to the family member "in need," the less they did for themselves. Knowing they had us as a safety net made them think they could keep doing the same old crap, and we'd always be there to bail them out. Which is a shame because we wanted the best for this person and were happy to help, but it became quite clear that we were only enabling their behavior.

To me it sounds like your niece is very immature, especially for being 30 with a master's degree. I'm not sure I have any specific advice, other than adhering to the boundaries you've set (and augmenting them as you see fit). e.g. Wanting a few days' notice that she'll be staying is perfectly reasonable. If she can't manage that, it's on her. Surely she knows her work schedule more than two days in advance????

I agree Cat of the Canals,
We are only enabling the behaviour at a certain point point in time when it is just repeating itself.
My sister wanted me to teach my niece (the one I described in the previous post) how to manage her finances, a budget.  I refused because my niece manipulated her parents for money  so many times, I saw her game ( fake niceness).   I figured it should have been her parents to do that, her father at least.  My sister doesn't have the capacity to stir her kids in the right direction, no authority in the sense of afirmation over them, when needed. She's afraid that they won't love her any longer. It's sad, in my point of view.