NPD Gloating or is it a threat?

[LTDreamer]

I started a relationship with a man separated from an uNPD and fell for him completely.
We met at work and I've known him for several years.

He called things off, for the safety of his children, when she found out about us. She started hacking, blackmailing, physically abusing him, and using his parents as flying monkeys in order to make him go back to the relationship.

He told me he couldn't message or speak to me and I want to respect his wishes but she's got hold of my number and has messaged me saying my future is tainted by my actions.

I recognise she is trying to get some form of attention and I haven't responded but I'm worried that she will now start trying to make my work life a living hell. Even possibly manipulating him to isolate himself further.

At what point do I have to speak to someone about the issues going on here or is she just showing off as she thinks she's won?

Relationship aside, how can I stop him being isolated?

[Starboard Song]

Oh boy, that is so wrong. I am sorry you found yourself caught up in this.

Regarding what she might do to you, for a similar reason I noticed my HR department that (1) I may have some time conflicts as I resolved a major family crisis, and (2) the was a real risk that someone would soon attempt to smear my reputation or disrupt my work. I was giving them a courtesy notice and promised to keep even updated of any impacts.

Regarding your last question, I don't think you can preface it with "relationship aside." If you are not in a relationship, his fate is not yours. You can give him strong advice about boundaries and NC. You can encourage him to rebuild his FOC without her. You can even direct him to Out of the FOG (though he careful there, because your posts would be easily recognized by him). But you cannot engage in a war for justice: your first boundary must always be to know the difference between "my war" and (pointing wildly) "all y'all's problems." Attempting to "fix" his situation from the outside is a hard and troubled battle.

If you were to resume your relationship, you'd need to establish very clear expectations regarding how each of you respond to her. Your song boundaries could be a strength to him.

Bless your heart.

Be good. Be strong.

[2_exhausted]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I was in a partially similar situation many years ago.

My story...I met someone whom told me he was divorced. We started to date & we were speaking of our exes. He had stated his ex wife was CRAZY & explained some very disturbing behavior. I advised him to charge his passwords. During the first few months she seemed so very involved with him & the child when he had custody (every other weekend, two nights per week).  6 months in I received a call from her on my cell phone, pre smart phone days....paraphrasing, she introduced herself as his ex wife, and that I should know he was engaging in sexual activity with 4 different women including herself and me. She had an an extremely haughty tone, and was rapidly speaking. I politely asked her how she obtained my phone number-he gave it to her. Her speaking pattern was off and she was becoming nastier the calmer I was. I informed her she need not be concerned for my sexual health as I was not involved that way, and she may speak in that manner to HIM, I refuse to listen. I hung up and called bf. BF denied giving her my number.

A few days later I started receiving threatening & accusatory emails on an account I rarely used from ex wife. She knew a lot about me, the area of the state I lived in, my FOO configuration, my occupation, etc. This was when Facebook was in it's infancy. I did not have a profile, there was no IG. Anyway, I called BF and asked him how she received all of this info.....he told her . I either think she hacked his cellphone voicemail and he must have provided my email. We only had him in common. She sent me a copy of an email she sent to him, indicating she was going to contact my employer, had hired a private investigator , and was going to report me to my professional licensing board, to remove my license. I was so upset and confused. In fact I am having a visceral reaction typing this. I knew abusive men, but nothing as crazy/disturbing as this. Ex wife was also calling my cell which I did not answer. BF was very afraid of her, and did not back me up.. As she did not work, she could have easily driven to two hour distance to stalk me. I know she was in a parking lot adjacent to his townhouse complex, hiding in the car, at one point....but I did not realize who it was until much later.

I informed my manager, he referred me to HR. I spoke with the VP of HR and was embarrassed. To me it sounded like a poorly written Lifetime movie. HR was very kind and stated they have heard it and more from others. They indicated if I saw this woman to call security and if she was not on premises for services, she would be escorted off. As for my license, I realized  I perform everything correctly and I was allowing her to bother me. This email campaign went on for three weeks, she did threaten, via BF, to come to my house to speak with my uBPD mom. Which actually I wished she would have, as uBPD mom was more than ready to call police.

In the end she never showed up to either location. But I was so hurt that bf was allowing this. He never contacted her to stop it. Looking back now,  ex wife was most likely a uPD, they were not divorced only separated, trying to scare me off because she needed bf as she did not have any marketable skills nor a high school diploma. As I have seen pictures, because bf's bedroom was full of albums of them, she was an attractive 21-25 year old.......and could easily "get" men...in her 40's she had nothing to offer....she was unsuccessful in obtaining a wealthy husband during their separation, so needed me out of the way 

**trigger** In the end bf did go back, it turns out they both are uPDs, and a few years later wife suicided with a gun. During their reunion, she did randomly send emails, texts, and voicemails, not threatening, just about what ex bf was saying about me. Very disturbing.

I wish you the best.

[athene1399]

LTDreamer,

IMO you shouldn't respond at all to the ex. Do your best to ignore it. If it becomes a nuisance, you can look into getting a restraining order. I believe there are two types: one where they cannot come within a certain distance from you and one where they cannot contact you. If you think this will spill into your work-life, then maybe discuss things with HR to see what your options are. How do you think she will affect your work-life? does she work there too?   

[LTDreamer]

LTDreamer,

IMO you shouldn't respond at all to the ex. Do your best to ignore it. If it becomes a nuisance, you can look into getting a restraining order. I believe there are two types: one where they cannot come within a certain distance from you and one where they cannot contact you. If you think this will spill into your work-life, then maybe discuss things with HR to see what your options are. How do you think she will affect your work-life? does she work there too?   

I haven't responded but 3 days back to work and it's already messed up the balance.

I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and she's brainwashed him. He's jumpy and can't even look me in the eye. Practically runs out the room whenever he can. Colleagues at work can already see a change in his personality. He's afraid.

I feel like any time I'm around him I'm causing him pain. I don't know whether to tell HR to move me or tell them what's happening and break his trust.

[athene1399]

If it makes you uncomfortable, you could asked to be moved and say you cannot say why and don't want to talk about it. That way you aren't breaking his trust. they may not move you, but it's worth a shot. He may even ask to be moved if he's avoiding you that much. I'm sorry this is happening.

[LTDreamer]

If it makes you uncomfortable, you could asked to be moved and say you cannot say why and don't want to talk about it. That way you aren't breaking his trust. they may not move you, but it's worth a shot. He may even ask to be moved if he's avoiding you that much. I'm sorry this is happening.

He's asked to be moved. All of work knows half the story. They don't know how malignant his wife is. He's such a figurehead at work. It's like a bomb's been dropped.