Starting the process…scared

[haribo_milchbaren]

Well, I am going back to my house for the first time in a month tomorrow morning. I'm going with a group of friends to get my personal belongings and a couple other items. I am going to file for divorce shortly after that. I am so scared, but simultaneously excited. Scared because this is the calm before the storm. STBX said some scary things, including "I'll skin you alive" (when I told them they are likely eligible for legal aid). Excited because I no longer am living with this abusive person draining me of my vitality. I talked to them today about coming tomorrow and I shouldn't have been surprised that they would be #%^*y about it. I got a nasty migraine immediately afterwards. But on the other hand I can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And yet still, I'm realizing how much damage has been done and how it affects so many parts of my life

[Poison Ivy]

Having friends go with you is vital. I'm glad you're doing so. Good luck.

[hhaw]

Haribo:

I hope you continue reaching out for help.

My prayers for safety go out to you.

Please please please hold your stbx accountable for any and all criminal acts, esp violence and threats.

Document, record if legal in your State and file police reports.....even if you bring yourself to have him arrested....at least file courtesy reports to properly document.

I wish I had my stbx arrested the first time he assaulted me.  It might have kept things from going SO far off the rails.

Holding PDs accountable can mitigate the abuse, trauma, expense and time in divorce court.

Trust your gut.  Claim your rights or people/ police and court officers mainly, will dismiss and punish you when you need them most, ime.

[haribo_milchbaren]

Haribo:

I hope you continue reaching out for help.

My prayers for safety go out to you.

Please please please hold your stbx accountable for any and all criminal acts, esp violence and threats.

Document, record if legal in your State and file police reports.....even if you bring yourself to have him arrested....at least file courtesy reports to properly document.

I wish I had my stbx arrested the first time he assaulted me.  It might have kept things from going SO far off the rails.

Holding PDs accountable can mitigate the abuse, trauma, expense and time in divorce court.

Trust your gut.  Claim your rights or people/ police and court officers mainly, will dismiss and punish you when you need them most, ime.

I didn't file a police report when STBX said that, and actually it didn't even faze me somehow. I'm shocked. I guess I'm so used to them saying stuff like that.  I told a friend recently about it and she said i should definitely file. Will STBX find out if I file? It happened 3 weeks ago, will that matter? And will the police even care? :/

[haribo_milchbaren]

hhaw, thank you for your reply. I think it gave me the push I needed to go to the police. I initially went just to have a discussion with them about feeling uneasy about going back to my house, even with friends, especially after that threat, but when I told the police officer what STBX said, he went to go look things up and consult with his lieutenant, and said that in fact, it is considered a direct threat, and as such he was obliged to arrest STBX in order to serve him a restraining order. He said that there had been problems in the past in our province before this (I'm assuming where someone told a police officer about a threat, but then decided not to file anything, and then something terrible happened). I was actually kind of relieved. I know STBX said it in the heat of the moment but damn, I realized I'm so much less scared now. I know that a restraining order is not a panacea, but it gave me the confidence to finally cancel their copy of my credit card, and log them out of the streaming accounts that belong to me (and which I pay for) on devices (which I bought) in our home (which I pay the mortgage for, but only they live in). Because I wasn't living in fear anymore of how I would absolutely get torn a new one the next time I had to interact with them for something necessary. I mean, they've already done some assholey things when I was there today, such as placing a framed wedding photo in my bedside table drawer where they knew I'd find it, piling lots of my belongings on my desk and making it extremely difficult to find important items, and also removing our garage door code entry box. I guess the assholery will ramp up some more, but at least it will be through my lawyer.

The crappy thing (though I know my safety is #1) is that I was only able to retrieve a minimum of things from my home, since only the police were allowed to accompany me. I had prepaid for 3 months for a storage unit already anticipating being able to store some basic items that I could use for my future new home. I'm not sure how/if I can retrieve the rest now. I had to leave a lot of my personal belongings that add up to quite some monetary value, but weren't considered essential. And I forgot my childhood photo albums I'm not sure what STBX will do, but considering how nasty they've been so far, I can only expect it to ramp up and items mysteriously disappear.

I'm in the stage of feeling extreme rage at all the financial abuse that's been going on (I guess my brain is too full to even process the other abuse yet) and the audacity of STBX to accuse me of leaving them penniless when they already have savings, not to mention all our shared assets which will be halved in the divorce, and also the spousal support which I will be obliged to pay. It is the middle of the night where I live and I can't fall back asleep because I am too angry.

p.s. it is legal to record where I reside if you are a party in the conversation, and I have absolutely recorded every call with them bar one. And I absolutely sent the clip of the threat to the police (which they requested from me, and reminded me several times to send them - thank you police!)

[haribo_milchbaren]

Okay, well now I am back to being afraid that STBX will just find legal means to punish me. They are probably furious right now and they get very scary and impulsive when angry. I realized that STBX behaves and is even a cool person when I act in the way that they want me to, and punishes me in various ways if I don't. My PD parent also does this. And when I call them both out on their bad behaviour they claim that I am painting them as this monster, when really they just had an abusive childhood (STBX) or did their best with what they had (PD parent). Or just straight up gaslight me that I'm overreacting, I'm being cruel to them, what about their feelings etc.

[Starboard Song]

Haribo,

First, let me commend that username.

I am so glad you are taking strong, smart steps: you planned to bring friends with you to the house; you recorded conversations; you did the latter only after knowing the law in your area.

Well done. Keep staying strong. And for your health, I encourage you to protect yourself without a constant state of vigilance. Think of it this way. We lock our cars because we know there is a risk of petty theft. But we don't worry constantly about the car while we shop or whatever. So take these important steps for your safety and future ability to thrive, but try to not focus on the risk and the loss once you take those steps.

I just remember looking up with alertness every time a car passed for a year: that was wasted energy, and made us less healthy, not more safe.

[hhaw]

hhaw, thank you for your reply. I think it gave me the push I needed to go to the police. I initially went just to have a discussion with them about feeling uneasy about going back to my house, even with friends, especially after that threat, but when I told the police officer what STBX said, he went to go look things up and consult with his lieutenant, and said that in fact, it is considered a direct threat, and as such he was obliged to arrest STBX in order to serve him a restraining order. He said that there had been problems in the past in our province before this (I'm assuming where someone told a police officer about a threat, but then decided not to file anything, and then something terrible happened). I was actually kind of relieved. I know STBX said it in the heat of the moment but damn, I realized I'm so much less scared now. I know that a restraining order is not a panacea, but it gave me the confidence to finally cancel their copy of my credit card, and log them out of the streaming accounts that belong to me (and which I pay for) on devices (which I bought) in our home (which I pay the mortgage for, but only they live in). Because I wasn't living in fear anymore of how I would absolutely get torn a new one the next time I had to interact with them for something necessary. I mean, they've already done some assholey things when I was there today, such as placing a framed wedding photo in my bedside table drawer where they knew I'd find it, piling lots of my belongings on my desk and making it extremely difficult to find important items, and also removing our garage door code entry box. I guess the assholery will ramp up some more, but at least it will be through my lawyer.  Yes, BUT.... having that TRO and the ability to hold the PD accountable for Arshoolery IS an amazing achievement I'm SO SO SO SO SO glad you advocated ffor and received. That IS AMAZING and perhaps the thing that will save you months or years in divorce court, getting jerked around by the PD in chaotic hell. YOU did that for yourself and I hope you get used to it fast, bc it will lead to feeling better, getting free sooner and mitigating harm to yourself, friends and family.  PD divorce doesn't JUST involve you.  It involves your entire community, so good'on ya.  So proud of you.

The crappy thing (though I know my safety is #1) is that I was only able to retrieve a minimum of things from my home, since only the police were allowed to accompany me. I had prepaid for 3 months for a storage unit already anticipating being able to store some basic items that I could use for my future new home. I'm not sure how/if I can retrieve the rest now. I had to leave a lot of my personal belongings that add up to quite some monetary value, but weren't considered essential. And I forgot my childhood photo albums I'm not sure what STBX will do, but considering how nasty they've been so far, I can only expect it to ramp up and items mysteriously disappear.  You should make a list of things you want out of the house.  I hope you took pictures of what's left.  As far as what PDs typically do with beloved and cherished items..... they use them to manipulate the non.  They destroy, hide and torment us IF they have the opportunity.  No Judge wants that to happen, so continue advocaring for yourself and maybe next time line up some movers for a couple hours to help you get everything the next time.

I'm in the stage of feeling extreme rage at all the financial abuse that's been going on (I guess my brain is too full to even process the other abuse yet) and the audacity of STBX to accuse me of leaving them penniless when they already have savings, not to mention all our shared assets which will be halved in the divorce, and also the spousal support which I will be obliged to pay. It is the middle of the night where I live and I can't fall back asleep because I am too angry.  OK, here's some advice.  I'm not judging you, but remembering all the times I've gone to bed mumbling to myself in anger an frustration....
take a look at your situation from different angles.

Ask yourself what part you played in the PD gaining access to your things, your trust, your money, etc. Typically, the PDs are attracted to a certain type of person..... those co dependent people who feel responsible for everyone an everything, who feel they must prove themselves over an over and never feel they're worthy of reciprocal love and care.  That's on us, Haribo.
That we can do something about and going forward, there will be life after your stbx is out of your life.  What will you choose.
What will you resolve?  What paterns will you discern and which will you put down..... more importantly... what will you pick up and replace them with. 

It's likely you'll have a milion dollars worth of lessons IF you're curious about what happened to you and not on JUST the choatic things the PD is DOING TO YOU. The PDs do what they do. Most of the time it's not personal, though it feeeeels personal, bc the nons gave SOOO much, were overtly fair and giving and kind and tried so so so so hard,even when it wasn't warranted, safe or earned......
and once again.....we're back to how we got there and doing what we can to identify old patterns, the causes and conditions involved in creating them and how badly we want to break out and focus on cultivating joy with worthy people. 

p.s. it is legal to record where I reside if you are a party in the conversation, and I have absolutely recorded every call with them bar one. And I absolutely sent the clip of the threat to the police (which they requested from me, and reminded me several times to send them - thank you police!) WHOO HOO I am just do darned dazzled by your proactive advocacy bc it's going to be what gets you out of this sooner than later. 

Zero contact with the PD is healthier for you and holds benefits you won't understand till you're completely away from the PD and willing to hold that boundry. 

SElf compassion.... jsut tsunamis of the stuff..... YES.

Drop judgement and embrace curiosity.... ABOUT EVERyTHING as you can.  That pays huge dividends as well, just wait and see, yup yup yup. 

Drop expectation, esp when you're telling your story, talking about the PD, who WILL posture as a victim, and learn to tell your story with ONLY facts, while releasing any an all expectation for what your listeners will think, feel or DO.  People hate being told what they MUST do, IME.  Some people get punished for telling their story with expectation.  Don't want tht to be you.

Acceot every part and  piece of this situation.  What the PD is doing, what the Court is doing and not doing, what the attorneys are doing and expect the process to be imperfect...... this won't be over quickly and you likely won't enjoy a scrap of it, so buckle in and accept there will be good and bad days.  A good day simply means you're not having a bad day an you're another day closer to this thing ending.  A good day does NOT mean you're getting close to this thing ending, so continue documenting like yuor life depends on it and don't stop preparing for trial, as trial, IME, is the quickest way out of divorce court with a PD.
Especially PDs who don't want the divorce, IME. 

Expect them to promise you documents and settlement agreements only to pull them back, like LUCY and Charlie Brown with the foodball, over and over if yuo allow it. 

The best and only way I know to mitigate that is to REFUSE to cancel ANY hearing date or trial UNIL you have a filed, signed and stamped copy of the FINAL ORDER and AGREEMENT in your hand. 

I'm not kidding and the attorneys are used to litigants keeping their words, bc shame, but PDs think nothing of racking up HUGE bills to "craft" an Order they promise to sign, then suddenly decide they want to go to trial instead.  I still owe my second divorce attorney 40K to "craft" an Order I told him my ASPD stbx would NEVER honor, and you know what?  I was right.  Know what else?  I have it in writing my attonrey wasn't supposed to spend a dime hashing out that FINAL ORDER or charge me ANYTHING, bc it was written INTO THE COURT RECORD and was straighforward. 

You see, the law is very cut and dry.  The Attorneys are paid to "interpret": the law and what settlements are actually going to say.  THAT's the screwed up part of civil court..... staring litigants out with fees, jerking them around with refusal to produce records and failing to keep promises is considered "acceptable strategy" so you have to figure out and remember your attorney is your tool.  You don't have to do evrything they say, bc and esp if they say they know everything, have seen everything and trudge through the typical court procedures, bc the PDs won't follow the rules nad you end up dragged behind the proceedings, spitting teeth (fig.)

Another thing... as you tell your story, please review your evidence an "craft" the story according to what yuo can prove, an not on yuor exact experience, bc PDs do illogical and self destructive things no one can make sense of, bc the PDs do things that will never ever make sense. 

Keep in mind Judges and all court officers need things to "square up."  That means they need it to make sense and you can handle your evidence an story in order to dispel confusion instead of tell the entire whole PD truth and make it easy for the PD to create so much confusion the Court has NO idea who to believe.

Yuo just continue making sense, speaking with compassion for the stbx and accepting whatever comes your way.  The only thing you should do to advocate for yourself is to document, hold the PD's feet to the fire on EVERY failure to comply with hthe Court and every time they threaten your or break the law.

Tryijng to cointrol the PD... thinking you can be nice enoguh to gain their compliance, esp when they promise to A if yuo juat do B and C..... that's always going to weaken yuor position and strengthen theirs.  Treat them like what they are..... don't hesitate to press for the divorce with single minded conviction and....
my martial arts injstructor would put it this way.....
when you hesitate, you donate.

Truer words have never been spoken with a PD litigant in Court.  Press for everythign yo can get.  Don't give them ANY slack and don't send any mixed messages to the Court bc you think it will gain you ANYTHING with the PD.

The PD will be counting on you to sabotage yourself.  Resist.  Just sit with whatever difficult eelings your having about pressing full force on with the divorce and outing the PD..... talk to friends who get it. Don't discuss this with people who don't get it.

You're a million miles ahead of where most of us are when we file divorce wtih a PD.  If you keep your head and don't veer off course, this will end more quickly for you and the pd.... both of you will benefit, so keep that in mind as the PD whines and whinges about being a victim and begging you to back off, give them a break an they'll "give yu a peaceful divorce" bc they won't. 


Lots more to come, 
Just so relieved youo went to the police and have a TRO!!!!