Looking for solidarity

[getmeoutofhere125]

Hi

I've spent some time reading other users messages and wanted to put something down here myself.

As a bit of background, myself my hubby and my children moved into my uBPD mother and fathers house while we renovated our house, which we bought next door 
We ended up living there for much longer than anticipated, and over the months I came to realise that my mother likely is suffering from BPD. My father has moments where he sees the problem too, but overall, colludes and enables her. Looking back, much of my childhood memories now make sense.

My mother adores my children, and they her, and she can be wonderful to be around for 80% of the time, for the 20% left she is enraged, lies, will tell all those around us of the terrible things myself and my husband do (lies or half-truths) and manipulate what we say and do in our defence to paint herself as the victim.

We recently moved into the house next door, and hoped things would improve with the physical distance, however it seems to have got worse. She arranged something with my Childs school without telling either myself or my husband, and it came to light when my child let it slip in conversation. My child was convinced he had done wrong, and it saddened me he had been put in this position.

Myself any hubby discussed it, and felt we needed to raise it as an issue, knowing full well it would spark another 'episode', as we have come to call it. It did, and it culminated in her raging, arguing and a whole new distortion campaign with those close to us. When we then kept the children away due to her un-predictability, she got worse, and at one point blocked our drive so we couldn't leave the house to take them to school. She was hitting the car and it was terrifying.

A few weeks have passed, and its a bit of a stalemate. My brother (who has in the past been the scrape-goat rather than I), has offered to come and mediate a conversation between us so that we can move forward, but I feel physically sick thinking about it. I feel like I should  give it a go, as it may make life easier while we plan what and where our future should be. I will also feel like I've done all I can to make things better too. Despite all of this I feel ridiculously guilty about being such a 'terrible' daughter, and essentially keeping her grandchildren away, though I am just trying to keep them safe. Am I the dysfunctional one??

I'm not really sure what the point of this post it, but thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[treesgrowslowly]

You're not dysfunctional. The most dysfunctional people in any given group or family don't have the self awareness to post on message boards about the drama (which they caused... but they don't see it like that).

It's her behaviour that is the problem and those kids need the other adults, not her, making the decisions about contact between her and them.

She needs counselling for her behaviours. Her moods and episodes are not your fault. Nor can you be made responsible for her choices.

Keep your focus on yourself and your awareness of what's really going on.

There are a lot of people on these boards who can empathize with what you are going through.

Mediations don't tend to work with narcissists. They say things during the meeting or session that they don't follow through with.

The nonPDs who want to believe them will believe that the PD is the victim of everyone else's anger towards them. This creates a lot of grief for us because our anger at the PD is valid. Our need for boundaries with them is valid. And we get talked out of our own self protection by nonPD family members who think they are helping negotiate a peace treaty.

The people who try to broker peace when there is a narc involved...they need to stop and recognize that the narc doesn't follow through. How can you broker new rules for a relationship when one person breaks the rules whenever they want?

Meanwhile they are bystanders and enabling narcisssitic abuse. They themselves may take the role of peacemaker to avoid dealing with their own trauma from the PDs.  Just my two cents.

If people really knew what the narc abuse was doing..I think some of them would stop trying to have us make nice with our abusers and help us protect ourselves from narc abuse. It depends on them and what they want to see.

[Psuedonym]

Hey there getmeoutofhere125,

As someone with a very similar sounding uBPD/NPD M, I'm going to throw out the suggestion that this number: she can be wonderful to be around for 80% of the time, translates to the times you are agreeing with her. The 20% is when you say no, or when she's not getting what she wants. The terrifying episode, and I've experienced something similar and it is terrifying, is what it seems like: a tantrum. She's throwing a fit because she isn't getting what she wants.

Because they insist on behaving like toddlers, the same rules pretty much apply. Any attention, regardless of what kind of attention, is what they are seeking. So bringing your brother in to mediate is going to be seen a a reward for throwing a fit to get her way. She is not going to admit any fault or accept accountability; if she was capable of that she wouldn't have a personality disorder. This is how you know you aren't the dysfunctional one; you're asking yourself what your role might have been in this and whether you are at fault. I think you are doing the right thing by doing nothing, even though its extremely uncomfortable. The voice in your head telling you that you are terrible and that there's something wrong with you is, unfortunately, the result of being raised by a PD parent. One thing I've come to realize is that my M is most likely a covert narcissist as well as BPD. I mention this because their are several great channels online that focus on Surviving NPD, which you may have missed. All of Les Carter's are awesome, here's a particularly apt one that may make you feel a little less guilty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjlYCwaCoxI

[bohemian butterfly]

getmeoutofhere125,

What a terrifying experience!  I am so very sorry that happened to you.

I completely understand the 80/20 description.  My mother is high-functioning, but I too realized (just like Psuedonym stated)  that the 80% "niceness" and/or so-called "normalness" was when things went her way.  Because I never questioned, always complied (like a good soldier) and was conditioned, I didn't realize this.  Once I got some counseling and realized I was enmeshed with her and started erecting boundaries, the percentage switched to 20/80 (20% "normal" 80% dysfunctional/abusive).  I realized that I sort of knew this intuitively, but didn't want to admit this to myself (as a child, you think it is you and you don't question the conditioning, it is all you know). 

And treesgrowslowly nailed it.  You are not the dysfunctional one.  Although it feels like it, you are absolutely not.  I think that most people on here have felt that way, but you aren't.  You know at your core that something isn't right and it ain't you! 

[Andeza]

The advice you have received here is spot on. I'll add that I don't believe what you need is mediation, I believe you need boundaries.

I'd recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend to start.

In addition, you might want to consider a little more physical distance. This is reminding me of the old sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond" where the parents lived across the street and it was dysfunction junction day and night all the time. Good comedy, bad reality... If my M lived across the street, I'd be looking to move. Not saying you have to, just suggesting you think about it. I live over 1,000 miles away from my M and this is the happiest I've yet been.

Also, I think your scapegoat brother may just be trying to fulfill the peacekeeper role that a lot of scapegoats are conditioned in. Oh, disordered parent is upset? I must fix it! 

[treesgrowslowly]

Well said Andzena!

I can barely watch that tv show sometimes. Too close to reality! 

[Fiasco]

You have nothing to feel guilty about! You wouldn't serve your family a meal that had an 80% chance of being ok and a 20% chance of giving you food poisoning. After your first bad experience you'd never make that meal again.

You wouldn't take your family swimming at a beach with 20% chance of sharks. And you wouldn't go there again after a shark bit your husband. That's just good sense. Do what is best for your dh and kids. How the shark feels about that is not your concern.

[biggerfish]

I'll just add that i think an intervention would be better than mediation. Mediation assumes that both parties can be reasonable, while intervention is about confronting a person concerning their behavior, and setting boundaries.

Here's a cyber hug because you deserve it 

[getmeoutofhere125]

Dear all

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Its really helped to just feel listened to and believed! This is a wonderful community.

Great advice too thankyou, I agree, intervention, distance and boundaries are what I should really be seeking. Lots to think about.

Thanks again