Do you have days...

[Associate of Daniel]

when you find yourself slipping back into being riled by the pds' behaviour.

A couple of things happened today that were just the (female) uNPD's usual annoying stuff but for some reason I found myself just wanting to scream.

These days, most days it's water off a duck's back, but every now and then it really gets to me.  I guess the whole repetative nature of their behaviour is probably the reason why.

Do any of you find this?

It's so frustrating.

AOD

[xredshoesx]

yes.

yes.

yes.

my uPD mother is intruding in my life currently without me having any contact with her for 25+ years.  i found out some information and my hurt brain kind of ran with it.  currently looking for a new therapist close to my work.....because i'm not letting this ruin my NOW that i fought long and hard for.

[mdana]

Yes !


I would say that there is no getting used to how they are. (at least for me).  At times (with much thought and intention ahead of time) I can prepare myself --- by anticipating what my exh or daughter's behavior and reactions will be.  But, generally, what they say and do ...blows me away! I have often wondered, when will I completely stop being shocked (and incensed).

I will never get used to it. My therapist (years ago) told me --- it's actually a good thing that one never gets used to it.  It's NORMAL to be outraged when someone has done/said something that is outrageous (out of line... outside of the norm).  So, it's worse (unhealthy) to normalize that which is not "normal". 

For me, it also leads me to feel sadness (as it relates to my daughter).  That after all these years --- her capacity (or maybe it's willingness) to change remains close to ground zero.

M

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks.

Yeah.  It's often in the things they say.  I just can't think of any response, let alone a polite one.

And often to an outsider hearing it, it wouldn't appear rude. A little odd, maybe, but not necessarily rude.

Yesterday's example.

I took ds13 to his weekly sports game.  It was at a venue that none of us had been to before. It was a dingy, badly maintained place.

Ds and I both needed to use the toilets and we only had 5 minutes before the game was due to start.  He was held up at the door greeting his uNPD dad and uNPD smum, and her (3 year old?) nephew.  So I went in to find the toilets.

There were no signs anywhere, even on the toilet doors themselves.  I found the men's first, around some twisty corridor.  I went back to ds and told him where they were.

She immediately said, "Ds is old enough to find the toilet himself."

So, I'm not allowed to help my son. I'm not allowed to do the normal, polite thing and help anyone.

But more than that, she apparently knows my son better than I do and apparently knows better than I do how to be a mother. She who childless is by choice.

So again, no biggie to an outsider but layered with meaning to those in the know.

This on top of her yet again taking my ds to  a doctor's appointment the day before, on her own, and me not being told of said appointment, or the need for one, until after the event. 

No sign of uNPD exH except for the email he sent to me "apologising" because he "forgot" to inform me of said appointment.

Oh, and her demanding an immediate response to an email regarding a possible upcoming social event for ds's sports team that she (as team manager and coach, don't you know) is planning - on his time with me.  States that all the other parents will be getting back to her today (yesterday at the game) so I should as well.

Sorry, love. Not happening.  I'll get back to you when I get back to you.

Ironically, hardly any parents were there, so she would have had to chase them up if she expected responses that day.

Any suggestions for a response next time she says, "ds is old enough to do/speak for himself."?  It's not the first time that she's used that one.  This time I just turned my back on her and walked away without saying a word.

So I looked the rude one, of course.

But really any word I use will be taken, twisted, and used as evidence at a later date.  So silence and ignoring is probably the best of a bad bunch of responses. Especially when ds is there to witness the interactions.

AOD

[mdana]

Honestly,

I can totally see how her comments etc... lack respects/boundaries for your standing with your son and your individuality.

I think it's best to do what you are doing -- say nothing --- do not respond and walk away.  If you walk away without emotion, that's best and may not convey to anyone that you are upset or rude.

If you wanted to you, you could consider saying something like "I  have a different relationship with my son than you do...." then smile and walk away (when she tells you Ds is old enough to find the toilet himself or something like that).  What seems to be happening is -- she wants control over your relationship --- and oversteps her boundary -- by not allowing or accepting you to be who/as you are with him IMO.

I don't think anything you say/do will change her... but... I also understand wanting to not seem rude to others.

M

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks mdana.  You're right.

When I walked away from her yesterday, I went straight to the ladies' toilet. (Thank-you, Lord that it was the first (unsigned) door that I tried!)

As soon as I went in I panicked, thinking she'd come in after me.  (Thankfully she didn't)  I was therefore in a very heightened state of alert.  I should perhaps have gone straight in to the game area instead.

I must find a way to avoid her and uNPD exH at these weekly games.  I used to just not go. Now I have to though, as they happen when ds is with me.

AOD

[11JB68]

Yes! Tonight!

[athene1399]

I constantly weave in and out of radical acceptance. It's totally normal. Some days I'm like "don't care, I can't control their behaviors" and other days I'm like "You just said what to me?!" IME it's just so many little things add up over and over until we're so sick of it we want to explode. We want to point out how mean/rude/fill in the blank they are being to us.

As to what NSM said about "DS being capable..." I think walking away is probably the best reaction. It's not rude to walk away from someone who is saying things to make you feel small. You were being nice becasue the bathrooms were hidden and not well marked. We all know it, and NSM probably knows it too, but she had to take a dig at you. Defending your actions would probably just make it worse. Walking away from rude people does not make you rude. It makes you the bigger person. That means you have the power. Don't let her take it away from you. She wants a reaction. It's her supply. And if you slip up and say sometime snarky, that's ok too. it's very difficult to always be the bigger person. I'm honestly passive-aggressive and sometimes do not hold my tongue when I should. It's difficult.

[SparkStillLit]

Ha ha. Holding my tongue is NOT one of my strong points. If you go after me long enough, I'll lash back.
Knowing this, I'm always reminding myself to hush up and WALK AWAY. Not give out ammo or supply. Just hush and leave.
It can be SO DIFFICULT, and often if I'm where I wanted to be and minding my own business and updh comes and tries to start shit with me. GAAHHH!!!

[1footouttadefog]

My response,
Oh, really, did you learn that watching Dr. Phil or was it Oprah?