Small things adding up

[Spirit in the sky]

I have been coping reasonably well with my PD mother since my father died last year. But small things my mother says and does it really starting to trigger me.  I've noticed she is finding fault with everything since I returned to work last month.

She wasn't over joyed when I told her I was going back to work , firstly she was worried about my safety because of the virus. When I told her I was working alone she found something else to 'worry' about.  Although she thinks is totally find when I go to the supermarket to get her shopping.

I do her shopping once a week but there's always something she has forgotten, and then she makes a big drama out of having to ask me. It's always something trivial but she makes it sound like life or death.

Even before my father died I was managing all their finances and shopping, medication and keeping everything in order. I don't mind doing it. But there always seems to be more things getting adding in, the usual line is 'I don't like to ask you.... but'. I am tempted to say then don't ask, but then it would be tears and tantrums.

Yesterday I asked my mother could I store some furniture in her garage, which she doesn't use. As I was having some work done and I needed to clear space. I got a very firm no, because she has so much going on right now and why would I be so inconsiderate to ask. Realised this was going to be another drama, I said it's ok I'll work something out. Then she gets all defensive and tells me to stop sulking, I wasn't, I don't sulk with my mother because it's pointless, I accepted the answer was no and moved on. 

When I came home I was upset, all everything I have done for her she couldn't let me have some free space that she doesn't even use. I know it's a control thing and I knew there was no point telling her I was upset. I learnt a long time ago my feelings don't matter to my mother. Last time I got upset and cried she very sternly told me to 'stop that'.

I think she missing the dysfunctional relationship she had with my father, they fought and argued 24/7 and she thrived on winning. She always says she believes in 'fairness' which actually means she likes to get her own way.

Also she seems to have immense empathy for everyone only me. It seems friends,, neighbours and family members all have a good reason for having an off day or being upset. They have all had bad childhoods (like hers  ) and deserve sympathy and you have to make allowances, if I'm having an off day it's my own fault because I had a perfect childhood 

Like I said it's only small things, if I ask how she is I get all the gory details. Why do old people insist on talking about their bowel habits.  I can't even complain about my husband because she always takes his side, because they share the same birthday. 

[SunnyMeadow]

the usual line is 'I don't like to ask you.... but'. I am tempted to say then don't ask, but then it would be tears and tantrums.

I hear this one too. My uNPD mother doesn't give a hoot to ask anyone to do anything, it doesn't bother her at all. I think she heard someone say this line and decided to start saying it herself. 

Well how rude that she won't let you store your furniture. Although this might be a good thing in the long run. Don't ask her for anything then she can't hold anything over you. I took some things from my mother and she uses it against me when I don't visit her for 'long enough'! These were nice items she was going to put on the curb, she does that a lot. Weird. You storing things at her house might trigger comments like "I let you store things here and you can't even __________ for me".

I get the unfairness of what you're saying. I think it's really rude that your mother can't do this one thing for you. Especially with all you do for her and storing the items won't put her out at all. Sadly, what I do now is don't expect anything from my mother, then I can't be hurt. I mean, I do get hurt but I have to quickly remind myself that her life is strictly about HER and only her. She isn't going to change so I don't expect much from her as a caring person or mother.

I agree with you Spirit, the small things really do add up.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I too have experienced the withholding behavior from my parents. I'm sorry, it does hurt. The silver lining is it clears up the FOG.