Asking for a gift back

sunshine702 · January 02, 2024, 03:32:06 PM

At one point a decade ago my mom sent us all of our Childhood Things Trunk to us. She was cleaning out her house and each of us got our baby books yearbooks ext. Ok sure. Well my mom also sent me the wooden Christmas ornaments. I had some good memories of Christmas and have used them steadily. Well recently she called to ask them back - while sending me some Lip balms from her store I asked her for a year ago and was told "she doesn't have anymore". Well ok.
Thank you. You know it's ok. I will send the ornaments back. We have a new tradition of an outdoor tree for the last 2 years and they will get ruined out there. I just feels a bit weird. I will do it — just weird. My husband did love them and my Christmas stories with our indoor tree but We have a new tradition now that is 100 percent OURS. I just find it a little presumptuous. But that is my Narc mom

Have you all ever been asked for something back? How did you deal with it?

moglow · January 02, 2024, 03:55:04 PM

There was a recent thread where a MIL asked for gifts back, and they determined to just give them back then too. Personally I see it as a doomed if you do, doomed if you don't argument. I could easily see mine asking "but where is xyz?? THAT's the one I really wanted..." because of course we're somehow withholding. Or throw down that apparently they don't mean that much and we're expected to beg to keep them. I just don't have much tolerance for that foolishness. She wants them? Fine, here they are and use them in good health.

Cat of the Canals · January 02, 2024, 04:27:47 PM

My PDmom gave me an old futon when I left home. It was solid wood and quite nice looking, but it was massive and heavy. She was delighted to get rid of it so she could replace it with something new that took up less space and wasn't so hard to maneuver.

I kept it for several years, but at one point I broke one of the legs off just trying to move it a few feet in my apartment. When I moved out of that place, I tossed it in the dumpster.

She noticed the futon wasn't in my new house and demanded to know where it was. I told her I tossed it, and she threw a fit. "Anne's husband Michael made that futon! It was their wedding gift to us!" She'd never mentioned either fact before. Besides that, if it had so much sentimental value, she wouldn't have given it away. I said, "So you wanted it back?" Her: "Well, no... but that's not the point!"

MIL also tries to keep tabs on things she gives us. Wants to know how often we use them.

The gist I get is that they still think everything is still "theirs." Even gifts and cast-offs.

Call Me Cordelia · January 02, 2024, 04:37:09 PM

Yuuuup. Very similar story, Cat, we got rid of a 30+ year old sleeper sofa the in-laws "gifted" us when we were newlyweds. My DH's new job fresh out of school paid for movers and IL's made sure to be extra generous with large items they were willing to "let us have."

That thing was a massive ancient beast, and we didn't actually have room for it once we started needing beds for our kids. So we got three guys to haul it down the stairs and off to Salvation Army. How could we, grandma and grandpa slept there when they visited you when you were a kid! You can imagine it wasn't very comfortable.

That's so weird about wanting those things back being prefaced by giving a previously withheld thing you wanted. That really screams, "Transactional!"

moglow · January 02, 2024, 04:41:43 PM

Quote...I said, "So you wanted it back?" Her: "Well, no... but that's not the point!"

MIL also tries to keep tabs on things she gives us. Wants to know how often we use them. ...

Yes!! Maybe even asks, "where is that ThanksHannukChristmaNewYear itsy bitsy spider gitchee goomee tchotchke and why is it not displaaaaaaaayed???"

sunshine702 · January 03, 2024, 09:48:25 AM

Transactional - yes indeed. I smelled something was up when the lip balms came outside of the Christmas box. Closer to New Years a pull over just came as well . Nice but also a huge surprise. More proof that conversations are not real they are intel gathering and getting operations for her needs later.

bloomie · January 03, 2024, 10:25:47 AM

sunshine702 - count me in as another one who has been asked for 'gifts' back.

It makes sense that so many of us have purged our safe space from these type of 'gifts'. There is something in our knower that understands any object that a parent or in law can trace back to themselves is indeed transactional and they can recall it at any time. There is a kind of 'ick' attached to them that we don't want contaminating our healthy home.

I have even preemptively boxed up treasures like that old set of dominos that were pawned off on us that are "worth something" and returned them. At one point, without asking, Mil had 5 large moving boxes of her pictures and photo albums delivered to my home stating that she, DH, and sil that I am NC with, would be coming to my home and "sorting through them".

That is code for spending days in my home and me feeding, watering, and attending to them.

I promptly had them delivered to her home. The ruckus, temper tantrums, crying jags, were through the roof. Mil: "I don't have room for these any longer!!!" Me: "Better your home than mine." Mil: "I bet that is how you feel!" Me: "Yep!"

sunshine702 - I LOVE that you have a new tradition that is 100% your own. And when you send those ornaments back, you complete the severance of old ties and embrace the beauty of the new! Beautiful!

I also love the idea of an outdoor tree! If comfortable, would you share a bit of how you are planning to do that?

sunshine702 · January 04, 2024, 11:32:32 AM

Outdoor tree. There is a local gardening show that I listen to on my long drive back from work. The Christmas before this one they had a show about live Christmas trees that are suited for our area (at his nursery of course). We were living temporarily in an RV as our house was being completed. We had given our fake tree away in the move as it was shedding plastic needles very bad as it was a decade old. I knew that was the right move. I found a different more affordable nursery got one in the pot. Decorated it that year with bulbs and lights and tough ornaments. Then in the spring we planted it up near the house and water it once a week. This year it took another full set of 6 balls. It had grown. It was lovely.

sunshine702 · January 04, 2024, 11:40:47 AM

As for decorations I have found that bulbs are great, metal ornaments, battery or solar lights and next year it might be ready for some boa string garland.

moglow · January 04, 2024, 12:02:09 PM

@sunshine702 I've seen friends do "Christmas for the birds" trees - stringing popcorn, nuts, berries and other treats so the wildlife can enjoy them during the season. Maybe do one of those next year!

sunshine702 · January 04, 2024, 01:14:44 PM

Quote from: moglow on January 04, 2024, 12:02:09 PM@sunshine702 I've seen friends do "Christmas for the birds" trees - stringing popcorn, nuts, berries and other treats so the wildlife can enjoy them during the season. Maybe do one of those next year!

That sounds fun! Yes

sunshine702 · January 04, 2024, 01:23:10 PM

In theater and in PR and Political Campaigns you do a Port Mortem analysis - what worked? What didn't? What should we leave behind? What was memorable and everyone loved? I am going to do a brainstorm session and write myself a letter for next year. Gifts to Narc mom are debilitating year after year and it is dark and cold and work is frantic and it creeps closer. Some mantras that I will tell myself over and over.

*What is the reason for the season?
How is this ritual honoring that?
Do I really like xyz - if not then why am I doing this?
Knowing that it will never be good enough because it is coming from me - what honors my reason for the season?

bloomie · January 05, 2024, 05:00:35 PM

Quote from: sunshine702 on January 04, 2024, 01:23:10 PMIn theater and in PR and Political Campaigns you do a Port Mortem analysis - what worked? What didn't? What should we leave behind? What was memorable and everyone loved? I am going to do a brainstorm session and write myself a letter for next year. Gifts to Narc mom are debilitating year after year and it is dark and cold and work is frantic and it creeps closer. Some mantras that I will tell myself over and over.

*What is the reason for the season?
How is this ritual honoring that?
Do I really like xyz - if not then why am I doing this?
Knowing that it will never be good enough because it is coming from me - what honors my reason for the season?

I love this analysis! Very smart to do it now!

And I love the outdoor tree tradition! Thank you for sharing more! I am thinking I may want to try that next year!

chowder · January 06, 2024, 10:27:24 AM

Years ago we had a family function (not Christmas-related) with our family and my sister's inlaws. A group photo was taken and distributed to everyone.

Later, my husband-to-be entered my life and, much to my mother's chagrin, she soon learned that she could not push him around. So she immediately tried to throw a wedge wherever she could. One day, in a childish sing-songy voice, she asked me for the group photo back since I "wouldn't be needing it in my new life" with husband-to-be. It wasn't even her photo in the first place. I told her not to be ridiculous, and she wasn't getting it.

She continued her game-playing, and it escalated into a smear campaign, triangulation, setting me up tactics, and downright cruelty. I finally went NC, and that's how it stayed until her dying day.

It never was about the photo. That certainly wouldn't have put anything to rest where we'd all live happily ever after. How sad for her, and she never knew her grandchildren and step-grandchildren. When my aunt (her sister) passed, I was given all her belongings, and the revealing letters between one aunt and the other aunt about mother's actions were a gift for my validation.

It's a shame that your husband will miss those ornaments, but you opted for the best course of action in establishing a new tradition. She can't touch that with requesting any give-backs.

InvisibleDaughter · January 29, 2024, 12:09:28 AM

My NPD Mom has also "cleaned out her home", I received a box with all my childhood keepsakes and my baby book. One thing of mention about my baby book, instead of calling me by name when she wrote down my accomplishments, I was labeled "the baby". I thought that was odd.

She had given me 2 pairs of high end flip flops a few years back, again cleaning out her home. She knew I wore mine all the time. All of a sudden after buying a home with a pool she needed the flip flops back. I gave her one pair back. I didn't really have the energy to search my whole home for the other pair. It was more about control than the actual flip flops.

I don't think they treasure/value things or their word the way ppl without personality disorders do. I would never give away my child's baby book unless they asked for it. I would also never ask for a gift back.

Liketheducks · January 29, 2024, 07:18:22 AM

Had something similar happen not long ago with my mom. She presented me with my "papers", saying that these were the last of them that she had in her possession. When I opened the envelope, it turned out to be every letter, Mother's Day card, note, etc. that I had written her. It solidified for me just how toxic things are with her.
As a mother too, I cherish those letters and cards my kiddo gave me. I'd never in a million years give them back to them.

Dragonfly · January 30, 2024, 09:34:18 PM

Quote from: chowder on January 06, 2024, 10:27:24 AMLater, my husband-to-be entered my life and, much to my mother's chagrin, she soon learned that she could not push him around. So she immediately tried to throw a wedge wherever she could. One day, in a childish sing-songy voice, she asked me for the group photo back since I "wouldn't be needing it in my new life" with husband-to-be. It wasn't even her photo in the first place. I told her not to be ridiculous, and she wasn't getting it.

Nodding my head -reading everyones posts & Yes to this here! My mother is SOOO nasty regarding my husband. Early on.....She also gave me a picture of the Lord Jesus about a half dozen times at least. Then she would ask for it back in a day or two. At the time I loved this picture, but I had gotten to the point where i would leave it in the car. It just felt yucky to bring that negativity surrounding it into our home. My husband came close to donating it when she asked for it back the last time.
She mailed this picture to her friend in another state next. She was mad when she learned that her friend had not hung it up yet. She asked for it back from her and her friend told her NO!
It is sad and and such a waste of precious time.

sunshine702 · February 03, 2024, 10:10:27 PM

My brother told me yesterday that the box is sitting unopened in the basement of her store. He also speculated that they needed to come back because they were headed to Golden Grandchild. It's fine. Not great but fine. The outdoor tree has created a whole new perspective. But honestly I have had these a decade. My partner liked the family stories of each. This is such a Narc move that I don't DESERVE them anymore. If they were headed to either of my other brothers I would also feel differently or even if she wanted them. But Golden Grandchild has no memories with them. But I am sure they are headed to her