Difficult Situation With My Father...

[FedUpWithAbuse]

I feel like I have many skills and talents and have grown a lot as a person, read many books on codependency, believe in respect and boundaries, and have grown spiritually too and meditate daily, but the issue is that because I have agoraphobia, and a lot of trauma, I find it really hard to live with him right now. I was struggling because of a failed relationship with a BPD woman (I didn't know she was BPD and it happened fast, and she manipulated me with her and her friend group), and he kind of abandoned his responsibilities to the house and the cat because I was angry around the house, and took advantage by crossing my boundaries, pandering, guilt tripping and acting helpless, which sucked me into him, compromised me standing up for my rights as much as I normally do, and I got codependent with the cat, because I love him very much and it's so hard to struggle this much and not have a lot to give him. Although that's been improving.

I have a ton of trauma with him, and I want to slowly get out of the situation, he lives in my house, which I fully own. I'm kind of isolated, and without him I can't afford to live, for the short term. I plan on writing books as I have extremely good writing, vocabulary and creative skills. My credit card debt is out of hand, mostly due to letting it go a bit after some traumas happened, I used to me extremely responsible with my finances.

I've had a back injury that he physically jostled me in the car over, slammed into me in the kitchen, and guilt tripped me into hurting myself after I feared him, and then antagonized my anxieties after I was reinjured, and seemed to have joy in caring for me when I felt helpless and feared him and myself after his abuse, also, he put a box in the way when I was anxious trying to reinjure me. I want to remove him from my will, so that if I die, he won't get anything. I don't have any sort of close relationship with him. But I feel so angry at so many people, that it's exhausting me.

Other times he manipulated and abandoned the situation with our dogs during COVID where he'd completely neglect his responsibility and the situation, and even sabotaged it, and hurt me and the dogs. He tried to suck me dry when I was caring for our wonderful dogs who passed, and sabotaged the situation and didn't tell me when the dog was injured. I live with my cat, who he pets, and right now he is getting more time with him than me, which mostly causes me to fear the situation, because he's so neglectful and I feel so overwhelmed, alone and trapped in this house with him. I feel so frustrated, and exhausted. I've got dark around my eyes constantly, the anger is overwhelming, even though I journal and vocalize daily to expel it. I feel exhausted a lot. Sometimes I get a reprieve, but it's short lived.

Any input would be welcomed.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Your situation sounds sad and difficult.

I have found that big change comes from very small steps. Since money seems to be a problem - Is there any way you could find a paying job right now and do your writing in the free time? It would get you out of the house, away from your abuser, into reality and - hopefully- into the company of normal people.

The less time you spend in the company of your abuser, the more chance you have to begin feeling your real feelings and regain some clarity of thought, which gets lost while we are in the turmoil of abuse.

Good luck to you!

[FedUpWithAbuse]

I don't know if I'm ready to do that, but I'm considering it. I felt plenty of normal feelings not long ago, sorrow, joy, laughter, etc. I had a strong voice, I just kind of shut down when the BPD girl happened, and it's hard to recover. Met her online, and such. I just feel overwhelmed a lot, and miss my cat, and want to socialize even online more. The anger is just so intense, and the fear of retaliation and fear of abandonment. The FOG and trauma bonding are quite insidious, I don't even feel close to him, but it's lonely after a while, when I isolate, even stopped going online for a while, trying to get back into that.

I'm trying to walk even in my back yard, that's kind of where I'm at, I have a doctors appointment and might take a cab a few places within the next couple of weeks, we'll see, I need to get out at ALL at this point. A lot of the agoraphobia was exacerbated by trauma and extended isolation from all the bullying/psychological abuse. I try very hard to take care of my mental and physical health at home, read books on codpendency and such, but I just feel so exhausted and stressed. I still think writing could be viable, but I've considered getting a dead end job as a possibility, I'm on SSI because of the agoraphobia.

[sunshine702]

I second getting a small job.  It gets you to meet people which is good psychologically when dealing with a tough time.  Plus some money coming in.  Let me tell you about my job in an Amazon wear-house.  And there are LOTS of these all over!  This might be an idea.  This is very contract work.  I pick up whatever shift I want no set weekly schedule besides your choice.  I tend to pick Fridays unless there is a snow storm then I will choose Thursday's .  I do my labor it's fast paced but easy but very busy. Scan item and put it in here.  Or grab all 18 and 19's and place them here.  We had a guy from Brazil work for us for a bit before turning his paycheck into crypto and traveling to another town and another Amazon.  It's easy to get hired - just apply and pass the drug test. Consider.  They are ALWAYS hiring and pay good - if you are full time you get benefits on day one.  If you are flex no Benefits but very flexible!!
If you want to quit you click the I'm leaving button on the APP and it's done.  Badge turned off. 

This may not be where you are at but it may be.  It is a four hour flurry for me at 2:30 am but I really like it.  How non traditional job it is. 

[FedUpWithAbuse]

Hey Sunshine and Not Right in The Head. Thanks for responding, my situation is unique, but since my skill base is so high at home, and more difficult away from home, and it can be difficult to get out, getting a job actually wouldn't help much, as I am on SSI for anxiety, and agoraphobia. I've looked into working and with how SSI works, I can actually lose money in my situation from getting a job, since SSI punishes you for making money. I calculated it at one point and working like 40 hours a week, would net me like 150 dollars more money a month, and it wouldn't aid in working as a writer.

My situation is complicated as hell, I've got a NPD neighbor that harasses me, and my Dad who manipulates and just got burned in a very unique situation with a BPD woman, which I feel has some sort of reverse stigma attached to it (especially in the mental health field, because of the previous stigma with it), where much of the the information I see, and the communities I join, consider it not a Narcissistic Disorder, and are giving empathy mostly to the people with BPD, not the people who have been abused by people with BPD.

Unfortunately I've been involved with about 7 BPD women in friendships and in love/sexually in my life, and been through my Mother's abuse, and this reverse stigma flies in the face of my life experience severely, and it feels like gaslighting. I really need to work on the people I get close to, and am most attracted to, and take intimacy slower next time. Manipulations can be quite insidious, I was very careful and still fell into it, because of so many people being involved in the manipulation.

I'm trying to manage anger levels by journaling and vocalizing anger and exercise, and I feel quite overwhelmed often, as I am fighting manipulations on both ends, have no one to vent too, am a boiling pot of emotions (mostly anger and fear, and some sorrow and frustration), and my responsibility level feels too high for how I feel, but I'm trying to navigate it as best I can. I'm asserting myself to my father a lot, and just talked to the neighbors landlord. Some days I get triggered too much, I often feel overwhelmed lately.

I feel like the mental health field really tries to tamp down on peoples anger, in order to mitigate legal liability, and so it's very frustrating getting help from counselors these days. It just pushes people like me to not know where to turn, and although I don't think I'm some risk to people. Most of my anger is reasonable and healthy.