Always on guard

[Apple555]

Hi everyone I've been on this website before reading stories about narcissistic mother in laws ever since mine tried getting my husband ( then boyfriend)  to leave me because he was moving out of mommy and daddy's to move in with me and my family ( just about 45 minutes away) so we could save up and move into a new home. Nmil of course could not let go of my Dh and that is when her true hatred for me started to show and emerge! By talking bad about me to him that I was trying to purposely get pregnant, take all his money, and leave him, while all this time I thought we were becoming close friends right?! My Dh completely stood up for me and we left her house  ( I was already outside walking to the car so I couldn't hear anything). When our Dd was a baby we went NC with nmil and fil because of racist passive aggressive comments from them ( yes they are also really secret racists, act like their not, but it shows!) We started over with them again, fast forward more years my Dh and I are in our early thirties. I have learned and accepted that nmil really secretly hates me, and probably always will! She does it all, side glares, huge guilt trips, bullying, crying, passive aggressive comments especially. Both nmil and fil immediate families dont like me at all but they are fake and nice to my face but I still get alot of glares. We are LC right now, but sometimes I do let my nmil and fil have my dd overnight very little, because I have enforced alot of boundaries, followed through with them and  continue to keep doing so. My nmil cant stand all my new rules and boundaries but she has been following them so far, because when she doesnt well stop seeing them for a while and my dd won't stay the night, until I feel comfortable and ready to face them again. Because of this, nmil has started building up her narcissistic tactics again. I of course keep enforcing my boundaries, I have completely gained confidence to say no to her without reasons. I make it known that she will not have control over my child  by telling her no I dont want this for my child, no I dont do that, no I dont raise my child this way, do not buy my child this or that no sweets, no juice, everything is NO NO ANDDDD NO! My fil even sometimes laughs about it because she will get a blank shock mad look on her face and expect me to change my mind or let her have control but I never do and keep smiling and smiling. I can tell its killing her so bad by her facial expressions. I use medium chill and grey rock alot which has mainly helped! This Christmas we will not be going to her house and will stay at home instead. She keeps hinting that she is doing all these special things at her house on Christmas but deep down I am laughing because she has no clue we are staying home and hasn't asked. She just expects us to go over all dandy and happy which is not happening at all but they are more then welcome to come over and spend xmas with us. I cant wait to see her reaction, I expect a red shocked face with little guilt trips and guess what? Me and my Dh dont care! What can I expect again this xmas and upcoming year from my nmil? One past christmas at our house she was trying to be passive aggressive, after that and all the other things is when I started the boundaries and have always been on guard, always for everything with the inlaws. It gets exhausting and causes anxiety but that's how the LC helps me stay sane and happy! Any one have advice or thoughts on this ? I also needed to vent since like I said I'm always on my guard!

[Pepin]

Welcome!  I am sorry though that you have to deal with a PD like your MIL.  For what it is worth, your husband sounds like a great guy for being in your court.  Many of our spouses that have a PD parent are unable to see the dysfunction.  And the word NO is an amazing way to set boundaries. 

[Apple555]

Pepin thanks for your reply!

I am very grateful and lucky my Dh supports me, He grew up being raised by his mom because his dad was working overseas for most of his life and never got along with her because of her being controlling, bipolar and a narcissist. She acted like my Dh was her husband pretty much!

I hope very much other spouses will see how toxic their mothers are to their marriage well being and life and make changes for them and their wives!

Again thank you!