Unpacking from trip to see my uBPDm - and the 100 dollar bill I carried out

[MetalOx]

Back home now and relieved to be home after several days with my BPD mother and enabling stepdad. As I was unpacking my things, I pulled out the $100 bill I've carried in my pocket this past week. I don't normally carry much cash or large bills. But before I flew out to see them, I wanted to be prepared to walk away from them if we were out and away from their RV. I figured that if she began to rage that I would be positioned to say "I'm going to leave now, goodbye" and leave the $100 with them to cover cab fare to get them home while I got an earlier flight back home.

I've felt trapped too many times in a rental car while she cycles through her rehearsed waify speech about "from time immemorial children have the duty to care for their parents," "I don't care how many years I've been married, I can't stand to live with him for another year" and "I have all the pills I need set aside and the way you're behaving is going to make me take them." My stepdad has suffered from health issues in recent weeks, so has been a less able and willing servant to her needs. I fear for what will happen if he dies before she does. I have told her time and again that she won't be living with me, but that's not something she's ever accepted. I'm an only child and she's alienated all other family members to the extent that they've cut off communications. She has never been able to sustain friendships, and I can't picture anyone welcoming her into a co-housing situation. I can only hope that she could secure a place in a senior housing complex - and not be evicted for starting fights with her neighbors.

We had a conversation this visit where I asked her if she considers herself to be emotionally stable. She responded, "No, how could anyone be emotionally stable with the way that you and your stepdad treat me?!" I told her that she has a condition, and she's probably been living with it her entire life. Her response was that "You've always wanted to commit me to a mental institution, but I AM NOT crazy!" I asked when in her life she's felt emotionally stable. She said "when you were a baby and I had to take care of you." A time that predates my memory and also a time when she provided for me (and that now owe her for in return).

[Penny Lane]

That $100 bill is a symbol of your power over the situation. I love it and I wish we all had something tangible to remind us of what we can control in situations with PDs.