I wish I had the strength to do it

[M0009803]

You're basically about 75% of the mental way to NC at this point.  I was at that point many times, specially after my uPDM would do something nasty to me (to me or my wife (fiance/GF at the time)).

Now comes the hard part (in my view).

Unless he does a huge BBB-episode and the whole situation explodes (this usually happens around big events such as weddings or funerals), he will continue to grind you down over time.  His behavioral patterns over the decades are too entrenched for him to change.  He will also enlist the help of your brother and other family members to grind you down.  You are quite simply out-numbered.  He ends up "winning" simply by sheer temporal inertia.  You spend years dealing with this, which to me represents a significant opportunity cost.

I often read about people on here talking about establishing healthier boundaries with family members when the situation is toxic like yours.  I don't think this is realistic if the family is extremely enmeshed (mine was). 

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you want to focus on your FOC or your FOO.  When it comes to enmeshed, toxic families the decision is more black/white in my view, when compared to families who are not enmeshed, but have toxic individuals.    You essentially cannot have both at the same time if your family is very enmeshed, not without some serious (and mentally exhausting) aggravation in any event.  And this leads back to the mental opportunity cost of dealing with this for years.

I never understood just how much of an emotional black hole toxic, enmeshed families are until I broke away.  Easily sucks up 20% (or more) of your cognitive abilities, which then affects your life (and productivity). I have a very technical job, which takes a great deal of mental energy out of me, and the difference was immense.   For the first time in many years I was not feeling mentally exhausted 24/7.  You will most likely see the same results as you also have a technical job.

[lotusblume]

You're basically about 75% of the mental way to NC at this point.  I was at that point many times, specially after my uPDM would do something nasty to me (to me or my wife (fiance/GF at the time)).

Now comes the hard part (in my view).

Unless he does a huge BBB-episode and the whole situation explodes (this usually happens around big events such as weddings or funerals), he will continue to grind you down over time.  His behavioral patterns over the decades are too entrenched for him to change.  He will also enlist the help of your brother and other family members to grind you down.  You are quite simply out-numbered.  He ends up "winning" simply by sheer temporal inertia.  You spend years dealing with this, which to me represents a significant opportunity cost.

I often read about people on here talking about establishing healthier boundaries with family members when the situation is toxic like yours.  I don't think this is realistic if the family is extremely enmeshed (mine was). 

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you want to focus on your FOC or your FOO.  When it comes to enmeshed, toxic families the decision is more black/white in my view, when compared to families who are not enmeshed, but have toxic individuals.    You essentially cannot have both at the same time if your family is very enmeshed, not without some serious (and mentally exhausting) aggravation in any event.  And this leads back to the mental opportunity cost of dealing with this for years.

I never understood just how much of an emotional black hole toxic, enmeshed families are until I broke away.  Easily sucks up 20% (or more) of your cognitive abilities, which then affects your life (and productivity). I have a very technical job, which takes a great deal of mental energy out of me, and the difference was immense.   For the first time in many years I was not feeling mentally exhausted 24/7.  You will most likely see the same results as you also have a technical job.

I enjoyed your response and agree. It's like the frog slowly boiling in water. The little things can kill you slowly.

I went NC for about 8 months last year because there was a big blow out with my toxic and enmeshed FOO, who scapegoated me and we're cruel to my fiance. I reopened the doors of communication, gave everyone a second chance, and started slowly boiling again. There was no big event this time, no big blow out, but they were driving me crazy and it was affecting my mental health, and my relationship. They had no respect for my boundaries, and kept inching in closer and closer, not giving me any space to breathe or to think. I asked my parents to stop texting and wait til I called, that it was too much for me and still needed more space. That boundary was trampled. I had a literal talk with my brother about boundaries, which he agreed to follow, then bulldozed over and DARVOd me. No thanks. And my sister, seemed to get why I had walked away and was at sympathetic and apologetic, but I think that this was part of our old cycle of abuse. When I told her I needed more space and felt she was rushing things, she ignored me, posted on social media about sisters and losing people in your life because they don't want to talk to you and you don't understand... Pity ploy to make me look bad and garner sympathy.

So no thank you! I blocked them all! I can no longer just sit back and be passive and powerless in this frog boiling, emotionally anxious, obsessed with the next chess move, life-interrupting and energy sucking FOO a thon. Time to do me. Time to work on myself. Time to dissect my own fleas, be a better spouse and (future) mother. Those are my priorities.

(End rant)

[Psuedonym]

M0009803, I think you hit the nail on the head there. I said something similar in a related post; if you have an ignoring type of PD you're among the (on the everything is on a comparative scale here!!) lucky ones because they'll often break off contact with you or consider you dead to them once you've offended them. A parasitically clingy type of PD has zero respect for boundaries, and will double and triple down on their behavior when they don't get what they want, much like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. After 10 months or so of Negatron talking #@$% about me to anyone who will listen (especially my BF) she still asks when I'm going to "change my tune", "get over it", etc, and come see her. As if her denial of reality will somehow become real if she believes it for long enough.

P123, like you I thought I would never be able to go NC, that it was beyond me and she was too old, etc. etc. (You can read my old posts if you're bored I thought I was somehow going to tough it out until she died. And then things blew up and got really bad, and I realized it was either her or me. I chose me. Again, like M0009803 said, I did not realize how much of a toll it was taking on me until I cut her off and recovered from the stress of that. Since that time, I got a new job (with a big raise) and am . now able to concentrate. Stress does terrible things to your cognitive abilities: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-impact-of-stress/

Sidney37, it's nice to hear from you again and glad you're doing well!

[Hazy111]

Last two posts explain the logic of  what NC really means coming from an enmeshed PD family. Yes i realised i couldnt just go NC with one member. Its a bit like redecorating the kitchen. You start to look at the bathroom and the living rooms and bedrooms . They all have to be done. As they are all part of the same home. Its "All or Nothing" (great Small Faces song,, opening line.. " I thought you'd listen to my reasoning
But now I see you don't hear a thing ) "

They  are all disordered and enmeshed and various ones are used as flying monkeys for each other. They have tried gaslighting me ( The classic contacting the police line, has been used by three separate members) etc . I cant keep contact with one as they would pass this onto the others, that i have made contact.  As long as they know there will be no contact period ...they have given up now. None of them were on my side and they had their own disordered agendas. (Its much easier when you see PD in other family members as you know then that reasoning and respect is pointless.) I am now NC with all close family members.

[GettingOOTF]

Hazy that has been my experience with my healing in general. Once I recognized how I was been treated by my BPSxH was abuse and I left I saw how the friendships I had were also toxic. My ex was so bad that anyone felt better, my bar for what I’d accept from people was so low. Then I started to notice with my family. I am now NC with my immediate family.

My siblings and I all used to talk about how lucky my cousins were as my uncle was so great. Now I see he was simply not as abusive as my father.

We used to think my cousins were so ungrateful, that it was terrible how they treated my uncle. But now I see they were raised in a very similar home. One has battled a serious drug addition his whole life. He’s been in and out of prison and cannot hold a job, the other is NC with my uncle, also has battled to hold a job and his wife left him because he was physically abusive. He had no contact with his own son until his son was an adult.

It’s mind blowing how we are surrounded by abuse and dysfunction. My upbringing primed me for my abusive marriage. I’m really proud of myself for breaking the cycle. I see now how it wasn’t just one person, the whole family, including me, played a role in building and maintaining the dysfunction.

My therapist thinks I was able to break free because I was the one who was ignored in my family. My siblings were very enmeshed with a parent. There were two parents and three kids so I was left out and able to develop different skills outside of my parents influence. It took me until my 40s to start to make changes, but I’m the only one who has.