Closing the door

[moglow]

Hey Bloomie - I appreciate the boost and kindness. Today it all feels like a failure, going no contact. MY failure somehow, that we can't have any kind of sustainable relationship just feels so wrong to me. I know it's not all on me and I've gone down every possible road to reach her, but still. I feel like a failure.

Rereading those old texts and emails [and many of my posts here over the years] really were a confirmation of the "rightness" and inevitability of my decision, in the big picture. I guess we get there when we get there but the journey through is HARD. I've been ridding my house of her too, put away a couple of pictures she was in, donated a large set of stainless flatware she gave me many years ago and replaced it with one I chose for myself. I just don't want the reminders of her around me every day, nothing she or anyone else can point to and see her. It may sound kind of petty but it's helping me build pockets of peace as I work through the emotional damage.

Ashes ... kinda feeling like a phoenix these days. Rebuilding from ashes!

[Hilltop]

FromTheSwamp recently wrote something in another thread which I thought was great. 

"The relationship they have with me now is a product of the way they have treated me".

I just wonder whose voice that is that says that it is your failure.  PD's love to blame us and we all too often accept the blame.  We do the best we can and if we have to move away it is for self protection and because we can't take any more.  That is not our failure.

The phoenix is rebirth, from ashes to rebirth. 

[Andeza]

It's not weird or wrong to want to get rid of the things that remind you of her. As far as I'm concerned they may very well be imbued with her negative energy, but at the very least you're not getting warm fuzzy feelings when you look at them so what's the point? As years go by I've come to be of the opinion that space in my house in limited (especially since it's actually an RV) and so everything must have a place, and everything in that space had darn well better be something I actually like!

So you do what you need to!

[moglow]

FromTheSwamp recently wrote something in another thread which I thought was great. 

"The relationship they have with me now is a product of the way they have treated me".

I just wonder whose voice that is that says that it is your failure.  PD's love to blame us and we all too often accept the blame.  We do the best we can and if we have to move away it is for self protection and because we can't take any more.  That is not our failure.

It's her voice, always has been. Any successes are to her credit because she's the mother. Her perception of failures are mine, as the child. She treats me badly? I earned it. Our sucky relationship? My fault, i failed her, ignored her, shut her out etc. Not  one whit of recognition of her own responsibility anywhere - Im to blame, never credited. Wow. Howd i get this far without seeing exactly that??

[Andeza]

I believe it was Judge Judy that said "Any idiot can have kids, doesn't mean they should." I'm not sure I've got that quote right but I can't find the exact video. My point being, Moglow, that your M is terribly deluded about this whole "motherhood" thing.

I'm a mom. My job is to care for my children, not just their physical well-being, but their emotional and psychological development as well. (A large chunk of which means they need to know that I love them! And that I trust their instincts so they should too.) Seems your M failed on every single point! But she wants a trophy for having a couple of kids? Kids that she then mistreated for decades?  Sorry parenting doesn't mean you get participation trophies. That does remind me of my MIL though, as I'm thinking about it. She has been firmly up on a seriously high pedestal for decades because she had two children. She seated herself on that pedestal with the help of FIL, and he has enabled that behavior to the point of absurdity. It's almost as though every time he SHOULD say something about her behaving badly or acting helpless, he just envisions her in labor all over again. I suppose your M has it in her mind that you all ought to hold her up on that high pedestal as well.

Time to shut her voice out. I know you're working on it, on the EMDR. Taking your time, taking it slow. That's good. There's a lot of pain and poorly healed scars to see to.

You are successful, in spite of her. You are strong, in spite of her. You are worthy, in spite of her.

[moglow]

Truth: The woman should never have had a child, much less three more after the first. She was woefully unprepared and unwilling, only sought to blame others for life's inevitable potholes and detours.

Md indeed taught us how to treat her, made herself a victim of her own poor choices from way back and used everyone around her at to further that victimhood. If you werent with her 100%, youre against her and therefore the enemy. But you should worship her anyway ... Seated herself on that pedastal, indeed.

Deeeeep breath!

[moglow]

Wisdom from a brother today:
I was thinking about the summers we spent with Daddy growing up, how we'd go away for two months every year. I don't remember talking to md during that time, like we basically went off grid and she was magically not our parent and didn't exist until we had to do back to her house. Two full months of not talking to, hearing from your own children?? Who DOES that? So I asked if he remembers talking to her [he didn't either]. His response in a nutshell - if there were good things, I'd remember. If I have to struggle to find them maybe they weren't that good. God handed me a chance to forget and move on. So MOVE.

It feels wrong to have no good memories of her, no laughter or smiles. There's tension, cringing or blanks, no warmth or sweetness. I feel less deficient, knowing it's not just me. Still deficient, just less so. 

[Leonor]

Hi Moglow,

I am following your journey with much compassion. There is so much coming up for you right now, and so much I relate to as well. I even heard "I've closed a lot of doors in my life and this is just another one" - that "one door," btw, being me! Thanks Mom! So yes I get it. But I wanted to share with you how amazing you are and the work you're doing.

When you sent your note, I thought that was so amazing and huge, because you weren't engaging or closing doors or reactive in any way ... You were acting from such a place of integrity and self-ness. You were acting from a place of your own principles and how you want to move in the world. And you were able to breathe through knowing that how your message would be received was not only irrelevant to your decision, but not under your control (whether it's hope or resentment or fear or curiosity, that's all about control) ... Actually, what mom does about it is none of your business.

That's so powerful, and so it's normal and healing, I think, that you would experience some emotional aftershock. I mean, being aware and adult and all that is great, but this is your mom, okay? It's not like you're leaving a Google review. You're standing in your adult before your mother. Of course your inner little Moglow is going to appear beside you and have all kinds of feelings about it. That's okay.

I thought it was fascinating that your mom would drop you off at your dad's for two months at a time without word. Mine did that to me, too, and I never really thought about it. Wow, that is awful. Mine would go on vacation with stepdad and leave me with mean stepmom and absent alcoholic dad. What a @#$&!

Okay, but then it makes perfect sense that you would experience such anxiety after sending your note. Because even though you are moving and growing, your mom has proved herself perfectly capable of staying outside the door, and that must make little Moglow so anxious. What if mommy never comes back? What have I done? Is it my fault? I just wanted to tell her I was sorry.



I also think it's healing to grieve, and one of the hardest parts of the grief is moving through stuff, physical stuff, things. It's just so weird when the person associated with the stuff is still alive. But with every thing that is taken down or put away, there is now a space to create more of a beautiful healing haven for you. What would you have in that bookshelf, or wall space, or table top, that speaks to you and your warm, healing spirit?

My wish for you is that you are able to take all of those empty spaces and absences, and fill them with so much hope and peace and beauty and love that instead of a closed door to a cleaned out house, you sense that you have a happy cottage with flower boxes and trellises and bubbling fountains with birdbaths outside, where the sun shines through the windowpanes or rain dribbles on the sill, and you come and go as you please, and you and little Moglow feel safe and at home together.

[moglow]

Thx, Leonor! Your message was so warm and caring - such a shame when a parent can't be that, isn't it? I love the images you painted for me. Having my own hone finally, digging through and deciding what feels good to me, is such a big thing. I don't know that anyone's said anything to her about it or if it would register just how important it is - and none of that matters! I'm finally not being bounced around at other's whims or having to make do or get by, I can plan ahead and get what I need, get rid of what I don't. I get goofy excited about every little funny soft playful thing I bring in!

Little mo is a blank slate, to be honest. She was bullied and pushed aside and ridiculed until she had no idea who she was, she just wanted to be invisible and stay way under the radar. A kind soul suggested I get a picture of her, look at that happy hopeful little person and think of how adult mo would feel if she knew little mo was treated that way, how big mo would reassure her. I told him, what pics I have from back then are of a solemn unsmiling little one. Even mommie dearest had commented that I didnt smile in pictures. Ya THINK??? THAT mo wanted mother to go away and stay away but her one unrelenting fear was being separated from her brothers. That, she knew couldn't handle. She said and did everything she knew to keep them all together, and ultimately that's paid off. I still have real relationships, friendships really, with my brothers.

It's a much better day. A month out from not talking with md and every day is better.

[Hilltop]

A blank slate could be a good place to start.  You can built what you want.  Perhaps looking at that little Mo in those photo's not smiling you could give out compassion to your younger self.  Sometimes going back to that inner child can be very healing.

I relate to being pushed aside and ridiculed until wanting to be invisible and under the radar.  As an adult it is really hard to know exactly who I am now as in some ways I still feel like I am living under the radar.  I know I will have healed when I am living as myself and not afraid to just be me and speak freely.

It's a month out and probably still a lot of healing to be done however you have started and that's a great thing.  You have your brothers there with you.  You still have family to enjoy and love.  A blank slate is a clean slate.  You can now write or draw what you choose. 

[sandpiper]

This stuff is hard, Mo.
I flit back in and out of here when something tempts to to consider contacting one of them and then I see the pain and the anguish caused by maintaining contact - and I recall my counsellor's words of 'Well, it's not like they've tried to get in contact with you and nor did they make an effort while you were trying to keep that relationship going'.
I don't know how I feel about apologies to them.
I know that they've brought out the worst in me but I also feel like apologies are a waste of time when what I really want from my disordered FOO is accountability, validation and empathy.
I'm glad you've blocked her. And I understand why you've apologised.
I've seen some really fake and manipulative apologies come from various members of my family so I guess I fall into the category of, not apologising for my own bad behaviour because two decades later, I meant every damned word. I just wish that I'd said them two decades sooner and made the break earlier. What I said to my counsellor back when I went NC with mother's FOO still stands. 'I really don't like who I become in relationship to my mother's family.'
If someone brings out the absolute worst in you, despite every superhuman effort on your behalf to overcome that - I think it's really warranted to step right out of that arena and focus on the people who bring out the best in you.
Thinking of you.

[moglow]

If someone brings out the absolute worst in you, despite every superhuman effort on your behalf to overcome that - I think it's really warranted to step right out of that arena and focus on the people who bring out the best in you.

THIS!!! I knew better and tried to ignore that ugliness way deep inside but I went there anyway. I believe it was all intentional on her part, she was driving for emotional response and was going to push until she got one, like some tit for tat, trading ugly for ugly. Maybe she was even demanding something she could "pay back" at some future point long after I'd supposedly forgotten it was ever said, as she's known for that too. I'd heard her "you don't CARE!!!!" comments over and over for years, like she was expecting something she wasn't getting from her nastiness.

It never occurred to her that she could go too far and that I'd refuse to participate further - or maybe it did, and that was her goal all along? That I'd finally blow and refuse to engage? Seeing that side of me come out was a clear sign I needed to GO. I don't want to become that person who heaps abuse and nastiness on others. It was HER coming out of me and I didn't like it. I want it OUT but not like that, dumped on another, not even her. I guess in some way it was me showing her: This is how that works. You say things you know are WAY out of line and you apologize for them. Not that I want her fauxpologies or more manipulations, as you mention, but it's me as the human being *I* want to be.

I just know that other than a few blips here and there, it's getting easier to just not be a part of her anymore. I don't like that this is what I have left, but I sure didn't like where I was headed for so long. So I'm learning to accept.

[sandpiper]

I came around to the idea that stepping back in to the family circus was about dealing with the dynamics which meant, Manure Fight at the Not OK corral.
I would walk away from the most minimal encounters with FOO feeling confused, angry, depressed, doubting myself, feeling self-destructive and largely being unable to pinpoint the 'why?' Of all those things.
As I've learned more about communication I've gotten better at identifying the range of their micro-aggressions and it is like monkeys flinging poo at each other and shrieking and pulling hair.
I have worked too hard to drag myself out of that psychological swamp to be comfortable stepping back into that.
While I was stalking uBPDsis's children on social media a few years ago I saw niece had posted something cheery and her brother had immediately climbed on with the patronising 'I see your tastes in X have finally matured.'
It made me feel physically ill that this once sweet little boy has gone through the family mincing machine and has learned to patronise, belittle and demean those around him.
It takes a conscious effort to pull yourself out of the quagmire of our families and that comment, and something that a cousin said to me when I ran into her, made me realise that my family is a bog, not a fog. And I will sink in it every time I try to wade in there thinking 'This time I am sure of my footing.'
Nup. There's always another Bog Monster waiting to suck you under.
I'm glad I found a T who recognised the behaviour early on in my life and she made me focus on my own behaviour and on learning to build healthy relationships with people who aren't Quagmirers.
It hurts to walk away from them but it hurts more to stay and then you have to deal with the hurt of the people who will never understand, because they've never been sucked under by the quicksands in our family's mental health problems.

[moglow]

Manure Fight at the Not OK corral

Girl. And it's not firm manure either - It's the messy stuff that sticks and goes everywhere.

The GOOD news here, for the first time as adults my brothers and i appear to be on the same page. Youngest brother is several states away and detached from all of it years ago but also doesn't see her for who she is [he still sees "the mother" who must be honored and taken care of at no matter what cost to us]. Local brothers? They're right here with me. When I waver or doubt, they're both quick to provide reminders and/or shut down any consideration of "more" where she's concerned.

I didn't realize how much I needed this or what a difference it would make for me. And yeah, it would piss md right off if she knew. She was bad to blame "someone else" whenever any of us stood up to or shut her down, because of course none of us would do that on our own. My brothers are stronger, didn't cave into it as much as I did. Her problems with my brothers was placed firmly in my lap, even to her insisting that I fix it for her because of course I broke it. She doesn't even see that she never built anything - there's the presumption that as "the mother" she's due certain things and we're simply there to provide. Amazing how clear that looks now, having stepped away from it.

[sandpiper]

Yep.
It's exhausting, dealing with it. 

[moglow]

Update: I got a text from unknown number today, advising that it was md and she's "tried before." Im not sure what she thinks she tried or maybe had tried to text, was made aware she was blocked?

But no, no other message, nothing further. She's called from neighbor's phone before, wouldn't have thought she'd risk her text crap being seen by others.

But seriously??

[Andeza]

Probably getting nervous that you haven't groveled your way back and Mother's Day is coming up. Best advice is do not engage. As WI would say, keep your arms and legs firmly in the shark cage.

[moglow]

I honestly don't see the point, in any of it. You want to be mad? By all means be mad. Leave others to live their lives and you just go be mad. But no, she has to fishnet humanity and drag down with her.

I did exactly what I should not, I called her. She answered the second time. Snarling. I told her I got her message, asked if there's something I can do for her, anything she needed. She launched into her phone being blocked and she doesn't understand why. After she made it clear that not only am I to blame for her woes and health issues, she's not interested in anything I have to say?? I reminded her how things ended "SO?! What does that have to do with these games with the phone?" This, after *she* text *me*,  for nothing other than stir more spite ... She has no clue, doesn't want one gold plated and provided on a silver platter. She just wants to be mad.

[And no, she doesn't need anything from me! And hung up without another word.]

Shark cage reassembling. Lord deliver me from mother's day.

[moglow]

I'm at a complete loss here. Respond to contact that she's made and I'm harshly rebuffed, no indication why she reached out at all other than to spew her frustrations. Step away for my own [and hopefully her] peace, and THAT's an insult to her. Attempts to maintain any contact with her - however limited - are at best ignored or condemned as "wrong." And yet there's no peace, no kindness or warmth, much less common decency to be found with her. She remains angry whether or not there is any kind of contact, and somehow even after all these rounds of it, continues to question why we are where we are. Truly and honestly damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'm not who I used to be, who she  trained me to be, and that is an ongoing insult to her. I changed her script and dared step out of my assigned role. I don't beg and plead for her attention or approval and have realized my life really does go on anyway. Md believes the world revolves around her and that everyone must perform per her everchanging and unvoiced expectations. She believes it is her due as The Mother, all evidence to the contrary.  There's no apparent middle ground anywhere to be found unless/until she decides otherwise.

It's so disheartening, all of it.

[Andeza]

Right, let's weld up that shark cage, reinforce the joints, add a couple of padlocks. *sparks flying, hammering sounds, etc* 

Every time you engage with her, she's the only one that wins. Because she's the only one that gets what she wanted. One thing has been very consistent over time that I've noted. If she can reach you in any way, you feel like you have to reach back. She got around the block, so you called.

What I encourage you to do, is determine why. Are you still hoping she will change? Are you hoping that you will change enough that she can't hurt you? (She seems incredibly caustic even in the twisted realm of PDland, I don't believe even Job could have put up with this one, honey)

Take the time you need to reflect on these things.