Watching mom discard someone else

[Sneezy]

Technically, my mom did not discard her boyfriend, Sam.  Rather, Sam passed away.  He and my mom had been seeing each other for a year and a half, although for the past six months Sam had been in a nursing home.  And right up until the end, mom was visiting Sam two or three times a week, and talking about how she was going to spring him from the nursing home and they were going to get an apartment together and maybe get married.  This was all wishful thinking on mom's part.  But I do think Sam cared for my mom and he was a very nice person.  And he made it to 90, which isn't so bad.

I was prepared for this.  At least I thought I was.  I figured mom would be a basket case.  It would be all about her and she would be calling constantly and crying and making scene after scene.  I was ready to go to Sam's funeral with her to keep her from acting inappropriately (I could see her marching up to the front pew like she was his widow of 50 years and not a special friend for a year and a half).

But, surprisingly none of what I expected has happened.  Mom was upset for one day and she is now happy as can be.  I can tell by her voice.  Partly it's because she is getting a lot of attention from everyone else in senior living.  But mostly, it's Bob, the man down the hall.  Every time I've called mom in the past two weeks, she is either in Bob's apartment or getting ready to go down to see him.

I don't know why this makes me so sad, but it does.  Sam hasn't even been dead for two weeks and Mom has replaced him with Bob.  Heck, his service hasn't even happened yet.  How can mom have moved on so quickly.  Sam was a nice guy.  Didn't he deserve a little mourning.  I suppose everyone grieves in their own way, but mom seems to be too busy with Bob to really be sad about Sam.  It's silly for me to care, but I think Sam deserved a few weeks of mourning before mom moved on to her next man.  Like I said, he was a really nice guy.  He took up baking in his eighties and he made the best peach pie I've ever tasted.  Doesn't mom miss him at all?

[Andeza]

She was upset for a day because she realized she wouldn't get anymore supply from him. Then she realized that, dead, he was way better supply than in life. Now she gets sympathy attention.

Holy heck that sounds awful when I write it out.

When my dad passed in November, about a week after his ceremony we drove back to my hometown for thanksgiving to visit family. I maintained as much distance from my ubpdm as possible. I let hubby tell her that dad had passed. They had been divorced for over eight years, and despite being virtually NC at the end, she told hubby she still hoped that one day dad would go home again and they could enjoy retirement together. (Snowball's chance in hades) In other words, she missed the supply and dad's paycheck. I'm sure she is happy now though. The rest of the family is probably treating her like a widow instead of reality. More sympathy supply. Her favorite thing in the world is to boohoo on a willing shoulder. For hours. *shudders*

Sounds like your mom is doubling up. Sympathy supply along with a new man friend's fawning. She's probably ecstatic in between complaining about everything.

[notrightinthehead]

Does it make you wonder how long she would grieve you, if she lost you Sneezy? I find the bewilderment never stops in PDland.

[NarcKiddo]

Perhaps she is taking revenge on him for daring to die and leave her.

I totally agree that the bewilderment never stops. My mother sent me to the deathbed of one of her lovers because she could not be bothered to make the trip herself but wanted someone to visit him on her behalf. She was (so she thought) the sole beneficiary of his will and wanted to make sure he did not get any ideas about changing it. Much to my joy, after he died it transpired that he had been hurt by her de facto discard of him in his final months and had changed his will in favour of his estranged son. Hah.

[SunnyMeadow]

I was just thinking about your mom and Sam the other day when reading one of your posts. At the beginning of her relationship with him, it kind of took the heat off you didn't it? It did for me! Whenever my mom struck up a new friendship, I'd be dumped in the weeds. 

I had hoped her and Sam were still going strong to take the constant pressure off you. But now there's Bob! Wow, that didn't take long, makes your head spin.

Poor Sam. I'm glad you enjoyed his peach pie, so sweet and it's nice that at least you're thinking of him. I don't think it's silly of you at all Sneezy.

[feralcat]

I wondered what would happen when my late FIL passed. Which he did a year ago. He was elderly with both physical health issues , and dementia. UnPdMil made his life a grind. Right to the end. Do this, do that, no not THAT way ! He may have been an enabler, but he was a nice one.
I thought that maybe she'd appear emotional , overtly grieve. Nope. The adult children rushed in to look after her, and she's now latched on to her ( marginally) younger sister as well, who's partner has recently died. It's as though FIL didn't exist. Apart from the large amounts of hoarded stuff he left behind. A good excuse for the 'kids' to have to visit, to sort it out. Including my SG H, who now is being love bombed, instead of griped at. He loves it. No apparent echoes of cognitive dissonance at all 😣.

[Sneezy]

Does it make you wonder how long she would grieve you, if she lost you Sneezy?

It does make me wonder.  If I predecease my mom, I think she will soak in the drama and the sympathy for as long as it lasts.  And she will miss having me to do things for her.  If she is able to move, she will probably move near my sister and that will bring a whole new fresh supply of drama.  But she won't really grieve for me.  I don't think she would be capable of that.

[Sneezy]

Whenever my mom struck up a new friendship, I'd be dumped in the weeds.

Yeah, same here - I feel like Sam and I both got dumped in the weeds.  On the bright side, Bob will keep mom occupied.  As my sister has already noted, mom's daily phone calls have gone way down (from several a day to maybe a couple calls a week for sis).

The longer you live, the more you have to face the deaths of friends, relatives, neighbors, and others.  And I suppose that is hard, and I understand that you can't become a blubbering mess every time someone dies (especially when you live in a senior living complex).  But I really had expected some emotions from mom.  I guess I should have known better.  Mom recently had to fill out a form for a pension plan and she needed to enter the date of her husband's death.  She had no idea.  I mean, I don't think she even remembered what year it was and it hasn't been all that long.  Maybe mom is having some memory issues?  But how does she not even remember when her husband of 30 years died?  It seems like that is something you'd remember.  But maybe I'm just expecting mom to think the way I think, and that is never going to happen.

[lkdrymom]

This is all about her.  Andeza is right,  he is gone so she needs a new supply.  It is almost like you lost a favorite sweater, so you go out and buy a new one right away.   My father was the same way. If he made plans with me and something better came along he would think nothing of dumping me at the last minute.  Never mind all the rearranging I did so I could meet with him.  He never saw anything wrong in this.  I would always be around so I wasn't important.  I stopped being available to reschedule with him.  It wasn't until he was very elderly and basically had no friends left that I suddenly became his priority (at which point I didn't want to be).

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sneezy!

Once again...samesies!  It was when my dad died that I realized that Negatron was a narcissist and not borderline like I had previously suspected. They were married an insane amount of time, like almost 60 years, and of course she was always going on about how she 'would kill herself' if anything ever happened to me or him. (is there an eyeroll emoji?) So my dad passed away in early December. I did everything I could to make Christmas nice but of course it was sad....at the end of the evening she said to me 'you know I didn't think of your dad at all'....okay. We then went to visit relatives in another country and my aunt, who had known her for almost 60 years, pulled me aside and said 'is she in shock? She does not seem like a woman who just lost her husband....' Nope! She was as happy as a clam as long as she was getting getting supply from the relatives and friends. My DH described her as being like our cats: if we died the cats would go live with a friend or relative and be perfectly fine.

It sure is a creepy thing to witness though. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Does it make you wonder how long she would grieve you, if she lost you Sneezy?

For a long time, I thought the way my PDmom discarded people was something for 'everyone else.' Not for me. I've watched her turn on friends and family and somehow never once thought, "Could she do that to me?" It still took a few devalue cycles before I finally realized she has no loyalty to anyone but herself.

[moglow]

For a long time, I thought the way my PDmom discarded people was something for 'everyone else.' Not for me. I've watched her turn on friends and family and somehow never once thought, "Could she do that to me?" It still took a few devalue cycles before I finally realized she has no loyalty to anyone but herself.

Same here - I'm astounded at the things she repeatedly said and did where others are concerned, yet never registered she'd been treating me the same way as far back as I could remember.


Sneezy, that may be where the lack of object constancy comes in. I remember just after my dear stepdad passed, mother went on and on about her loss, never acknowledging anyone else's. Later on [and not all that long either] after the new of widowhood and the "how are you holding up" wore off, it was like he'd never existed. Mentions of him were shut down, pictures removed. She then full on chased after a friend of Dad's who'd recently lost his wife, up to big project making new curtains for his house and repeated complaints [please God, I hope only to us!] that his wife's pictures were still up in their house. Thankfully that man saw through her -he had known and seen her antics for quite a few years- and shortly ended things, remarried several months later. If THAT wasn't a shitstorm!!

[Sneezy]

Thankfully that man saw through her -he had known and seen her antics for quite a few years- and shortly ended things, remarried several months later. If THAT wasn't a shitstorm!!

Moglow - I'll bet that was something to behold.  Good for him but Wow!!!

Looking back on it, I don't think my mom has ever really grieved.  At least not in a way that I can recognize.  When her own mother (my grandmother) passed away, my mom's first concern was whether or not to return her Christmas gifts to the store (I know, just like in the song "Grandma got run over by a reindeer").

When someone dies, my mom seems to miss the supply she got from that person, but not the person himself.  I keep trying to figure out what the difference is between how my mom grieves and how I think I grieve.  The nearest I can come is that when I've lost someone, I miss the connection we had between us, whereas mom seems to miss the supply she received from that person. I'm not sure that's entirely accurate, but it's a hard concept for me to wrap my head around.

[Sneezy]

It was when my dad died that I realized that Negatron was a narcissist and not borderline like I had previously suspected.

My DH described her as being like our cats: if we died the cats would go live with a friend or relative and be perfectly fine.

Yes, there are a lot of similarities between covert NPD behavior and waif BPD behavior, but as time goes on, I am more and more convinced that I am dealing with NPD. 

The cat analogy is spot on!  I adore my cat and she is a total self-centered creature who cares for no one but herself.  I know she only acts like she loves me to keep the food coming and the litter box clean.  I wonder why so many of us who have to deal with NPD behavior in our relatives are also drawn to cats?  Sounds like something that should be researched 

[moglow]

Quote from: moglow on Today at 01:49:34 PM

Thankfully that man saw through her -he had known and seen her antics for quite a few years- and shortly ended things, remarried several months later. If THAT wasn't a shitstorm!!

Moglow - I'll bet that was something to behold.  Good for him but Wow!!!

I'll admit I rather enjoyed it, actually still kinda do. I mean, we'd tried to talk to her, told her she should slow her roll, that he's a nice man who probably needs some time here. The poor man had just lost his wife - just because mother knew him didn't make him "hers." But nooooooooo, it's different "for them," we just didn't get it.  Okee fine, you do you. 

When someone dies, my mom seems to miss the supply she got from that person, but not the person himself.  I keep trying to figure out what the difference is between how my mom grieves and how I think I grieve.  The nearest I can come is that when I've lost someone, I miss the connection we had between us, whereas mom seems to miss the supply she received from that person. I'm not sure that's entirely accurate, but it's a hard concept for me to wrap my head around.

Sneezy, I don't think some have any concept of connection with others, other than as it centers around themselves. I know md seems to see everyone as mere extensions of herself as the center, so what she feels and thinks surely everyone else does too. If not there's something wrong with them.

I remember not long after Daddy/her exhusb [not Dad mentioned above] passed. She got all nostalgic and how he was such a good man and she still doesn't understand why he left "us" i.e. their divorce some 25+ years before [always the way she phrased it]. I literally laughed at her, pointed out that for decades she'd consistently called him the son of a bitch to his children, and NOW she's all gooey about it?? Just stop already.

[Cat of the Canals]

When someone dies, my mom seems to miss the supply she got from that person, but not the person himself. 

Quote from PDmil right after my BIL died: "HE'LL NEVER VISIT ME AGAIN!"

[bloomie]

Sneezy - when people = objects and objects are removed or damaged and no longer useful one replaces them. There might be an initial outcry that the object is gone, but then after a couple of beats it is time to find someone or something new. This is what the consistent behaviors over time of my elderly mil have shown me is her world view.

My mil actually began discarding my fil when his health took a downturn and then as he lay dying. She was energized, on the phone or entertaining friends, going out for meals, loudly discussing who to/not to invite to his shin dig of an after party. It was so outrageous that DH shut it down firmly and mil seemed to realize how ugly she was looking to others - which is something that seems to matter to her - and then mimicked the rest of us that were lovingly holding vigil with him.

Once fil had left the room she began dumpling out his belongings and cleaning out his things "anyone need any socks?" and moving her own into those spaces. It was shocking to me. I had never seen anything like it. Her husband of over 60 years just passed and she is immediately removing him further. She never reminisces about him, never talks about him, moved through his death like a champ, unfazed.

I see it as out of sight out of mind. Truly. He had become a burden to her and was slowing her down and interfering with her social activities. He required something of her for pretty much the first time ever. And she resented it, that was made known. He was gone. She was free.

In this case, and maybe your mother's, Sneezy, there is an inability to bond with others or appreciate and connect with others. People are what the 'do', what they 'have',  or how they 'look' to my mil. Not who they actually are as humans. The intrinsic and beautiful nuances of them is of zero interest and no concern. Unseen, unappreciated, and so in every case of significant loss I have witnessed my mil encounter, there has been no grieving.  A few tears at the appropriate time, but no lasting grief that I can see. She lives her life with a closed heart. It is really sad to bear witness to.

I think you are bearing witness to something similar in your mother. It is sobering and difficult to process. I am really glad you shared with us and for this discussion. It is been so helpful to me and I hope to you as well!

[Sneezy]

In this case, and maybe your mother's, Sneezy, there is an inability to bond with others or appreciate and connect with others. People are what the 'do', what they 'have',  or how they 'look' to my mil. Not who they actually are as humans. The intrinsic and beautiful nuances of them is of zero interest and no concern. Unseen, unappreciated, and so in every case of significant loss I have witnessed my mil encounter, there has been no grieving.  A few tears at the appropriate time, but no lasting grief that I can see. She lives her life with a closed heart. It is really sad to bear witness to.

Thanks for your insight, Bloomie!  Yes, this describes my mom.  Sam was of interest to her because she relished her identity as "Sam's girlfriend."  It made her feel special.  And when he became ill, she got a lot of attention and everyone in senior living would look to her for updates.  Now that he has died, there's not much supply left to be gained from Sam.  A little sympathy for a while, but that's it. 

I know mom is interested in me because of what I can do for her.  She doesn't know me and she sure doesn't care what is going on with me (not unless she can somehow obtain drama from it).  I pulled back for a bit (again) after a particularly bad weekend.  But then I gave in and called mom after about a week.  All her mean behavior and blame-shifting and lying has miraculously been forgotten now in her eyes.  I am back to being "useful" again as "the dutiful daughter."  I asked her to please not call me and said I would get in touch with her again over the weekend.  But she didn't hear that and the very next day she left a long message telling me everything she was doing and asking me to call back so we could chat.  Never mind that I am overwhelmed with work and have some minor surgery coming up.  Mom is bored and needs to talk 

[InvisibleDaughter]

My Mom was married to my stepdad for 26yrs when he passed away from Cancer. Her old bf (from when she was 18) attended my stepdad's funeral. I know she was speaking with him as soon as he died. I think she was worried about what others would think so she kept it a secret for a few months.

I think Narcissists just use ppl, I don't think they can truly love anyone. They love what ppl do for them. So when he died it's just time to find someone else, they don't mourn like others.

[p123]

Yep Dads cousin recently passed away suddenly. This was the guy 3 years younger. He had a car so Dad used him mercilessly - really took advantage. Got him to take him everywhere inc made up illness visits for 6 hours to the hospital etc.

Dad was sad for about one day then it was "so whos going to take me to hospital now?"

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not me.