Urge to withdraw and remain in solitude?

[CoffeeCup2]

Feeling a bit "off" lately.

I'm not so interested in a lot of things as of late except mostly keeping to myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm very selective with what I do with my free time. I do what makes me feel great and politely decline the rest. This is me setting boundaries and not saying yes to everything, so in a sense, it's a good thing.

I feel very alone. The close friends that I was able to talk to every day, share stories with, etc have moved further away. I guess we can still chat via phone but it's not the same. I have an acquaintance just telling me to forget about all the crap and frustration going on around me and just be happy and drink. Yeah ok. Any potential male showing interest in me is so far from my type, annoying, borderline creepy and just a big hard NO from me.

Maybe being a hermit will make me feel better, maybe it won't. But right now it feels like the right thing to do.

[Cascade]

I've had fantasies about living in a cabin in the woods. With internet, electricity and plumbing of course. 

[Associate of Daniel]

I think you'll find that most of us on these boards feel the same way, whether it's from time to time or all the time.

I find dealing with my pds, and my daily life of working in several schools, very noisy, even just inside my head.

I really need the solitude and quiet to recharge.

I'm thankful there are no men vying for my attention. I don't think I'd cope with yet another person needing my attention.

AOD

[CoffeeCup2]

I never thought of day to day interactions being draining to me, but subconsciously they do.

I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed with some of them. Now that I think of it, it's peobably due to either dealing with uNPDx, being babysitter to his kids and giving them (and him) my undivided attention, dealing with his family, etc. Nothing beat solitude after that, and it sure feels like that now!

The men that are vying for my attention somewhat annoy me too. One of them is very persistent and cannot take a hint. They are also not my type at all, and I think to myself - this is the best I can get?  It's like I have a gigantic sign over my head that says - "damaged goods".

[capybara]

I feel that way too lately. Even when BPDH is lovely, I am just a bit on edge around him all the time. I feel worn out. Had coffee with uPD mom this morning and she is of course not happy with my boundaries, wants more closeness... I find it all draining. I've been fantasizing a lot about getting my own apartment when the kids are out of the house.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well if the choice is between creepy guys and invalidating friends, or being alone, I'd choose to be alone too! 

I used to think I was introverted and painfully shy as a girl. It took me until recently to realize I was simply protecting myself from being in an abusive, bullying environment at home and at school. I learned that "putting myself out there" wasn't safe. When I went to college and found real friends, I became a different person. Outgoing and funny, even. Genuinely so. It wasn't an act. When I feel myself clam up now, I realize I'm actually feeling threatened. Triggered. So then to identify to source and see whether the threat is a valid one or whether there's some other work I need to do. That's still a slow and exhausting process most of the time. And I need space to execute it and recover from it. So yes, I do withdraw fairly often still. I still feel like damaged goods when I need to do that, to be honest, but at least I accept it's a real need now, instead of switching into performance mode as I was trained to do from childhood. Baby steps.

[Spygirl]

I agree with cordelia,

I also very much enjoy my time alone. I'm just assuming it's part of the healing process and that sometime all decide to come out of my shell. Until then I'm content and that's all that matters.

All the homes I'm looking at buying to move into are going to be fulltime projects for me for several years, Most of them backup on the woods or farmland outside of town. I am very excited about this. Peace, tranquility, no concern of caretaking others for sometime.
I suppose some people could say this is avoidance, But really it's self protection I've had to cope with a lot of pain for a lot of years and it's going to take a while the process all of it and come out of my cocoon.

[CoffeeCup2]

Self protection. This sums it up so perfectly.

[CoffeeCup2]

Thanks everyone for making me feel "okay" for not feeling okay at all.

I was so mad today. I guess this is happening more often these days. Maybe it's some residual pain and hurt coming to the surface?  Who knows.

I overheard some younger people talking today and hearing about their lack of adversity in their lives made me so mad. I know it's not their fault. But hearing about their perfect boyfriends, the fact they go on vacation after vacation after vacation. Money to blow. Perfect everything. Then there's me, some old has-been that's wasted years with an uNPDx. Me who has never known true love. Me who has never had someone to love them and treat them with kindness and respect. I honesty don't know if I'm more angry at myself for not leaving him sooner or angry at him.

Oh well. I suppose it is what it is.

[Spygirl]

Coffeecup

We all go thru these feelings too,

I used to also get angry about the wasted years. But how would i have known it if i had not been pushed over the edge? That was my choice to get involved, to carry on, to stay. I have been very mad at myself for allowing to happen. Now i forgive myself because i was just looking for love and acceptance the only way i knew how.

We have something now we did not have before. We have the insight to know how the situation came to be. We can change it, have changed it, and will continue to change as time goes on. We can see things now in people that others cannot. We can be our best selves, for our own benefit,  and at some point, be healthy enough to know and accept real love and acceptance. I need to believe its possible anyway.

Its okay to be down and mourn. Maybe that death will be carried always. But its not the end yet. There are still adventures to be had.

[CoffeeCup2]

Coffeecup

We all go thru these feelings too,

I used to also get angry about the wasted years. But how would i have known it if i had not been pushed over the edge? That was my choice to get involved, to carry on, to stay. I have been very mad at myself for allowing to happen. Now i forgive myself because i was just looking for love and acceptance the only way i knew how.

We have something now we did not have before. We have the insight to know how the situation came to be. We can change it, have changed it, and will continue to change as time goes on. We can see things now in people that others cannot. We can be our best selves, for our own benefit,  and at some point, be healthy enough to know and accept real love and acceptance. I need to believe its possible anyway.

Its okay to be down and mourn. Maybe that death will be carried always. But its not the end yet. There are still adventures to be had.

Thanks so much Spygirl

Sometimes I'm angry at myself for being angry at myself, because I should be happier now that I can enjoy my life without him. But I can't. I'm not happy right now. I'm struggling and I'm frustrated with a lot of things.

Hopefully if I just ride the waves, it will all come together in the end.

[treesgrowslowly]

I've had to deal with this over the years as well. After going NC with FOO, I spent a lot of time with people, trying to build up rapport with them. Looking back now, I can see how exhausting that actually was, but I didn't register it at the time.

It's other people's anger that I find I don't need to bother with anymore. As the child of a NPD, I've had more than my share of someone else's anger, directed right at me, at too young an age and now I just cannot have that in my life when I'm out and trying to be "social".

After going NC, I thought I could finally be social with people and have friends, etc... but mostly what I got was put into the role of social worker, not socialiser. This left me wanting to hermit after a while, for my own need to limit how much I was taking on.

Survivors of PD parenting, we want people to connect with us, for real, and not bring us their own problems without seeing us as people with needs as well.

Your original post resonated with me.

After too much of the energy out there, I find it is just too much. I'm angry about things, and I can't just spend my time trying to fix the anger other people have when I need my energy to help myself recover from my own stuff.

People who don't have a trauma history will never understand this and time with them needs to be in small parcels, and I need to feel intentional about it. That's what I've learned. Their life is nothing like mine. And if we don't find common ground within the first few meetings, I don't pursue more meetings anymore.

The way they deal with stress has to make sense to me or else I know, I have learned from experience, that they will look to me as their 'friend for support' when they get stressed... but! they won't be able to understand my stressors, which have connections to trauma, whereas theirs don't. And trying to explain that to most people is very frustrating. At worst, you can end up being judged for having a trauma history by people who don't know what they are talking about and are basically revealing their actual level of empathy for others.

When I need someone to empathize with my situation, I find I'm often better at it these days than anyone else I know. Which is what recovery is all about. The days I struggle, I read what actual therapists write about, because they have studied trauma. But people who have lived it know it from the inside, which is why people here on this site understand each other so often.

[Hazy111]

Welcome to the schizoid club! Dont worry theres millions like us. "Hell is other people! "

A fellow Schiz i know, has always had  fantasy about living on an island growing his own food not being pestered. He hasnt enacted this and gone and got himself another girlfriend (arms length of course, dont live with each other, he never has). But hes got rid of the TV. Pesky inferior attachment tool.

Hermits rock!

[Ariadna1987]

I've had to deal with this over the years as well. After going NC with FOO, I spent a lot of time with people, trying to build up rapport with them. Looking back now, I can see how exhausting that actually was, but I didn't register it at the time.

It's other people's anger that I find I don't need to bother with anymore. As the child of a NPD, I've had more than my share of someone else's anger, directed right at me, at too young an age and now I just cannot have that in my life when I'm out and trying to be "social".

After going NC, I thought I could finally be social with people and have friends, etc... but mostly what I got was put into the role of social worker, not socialiser. This left me wanting to hermit after a while, for my own need to limit how much I was taking on.

Survivors of PD parenting, we want people to connect with us, for real, and not bring us their own problems without seeing us as people with needs as well.

Your original post resonated with me.

After too much of the energy out there, I find it is just too much. I'm angry about things, and I can't just spend my time trying to fix the anger other people have when I need my energy to help myself recover from my own stuff.

People who don't have a trauma history will never understand this and time with them needs to be in small parcels, and I need to feel intentional about it. That's what I've learned. Their life is nothing like mine. And if we don't find common ground within the first few meetings, I don't pursue more meetings anymore.

The way they deal with stress has to make sense to me or else I know, I have learned from experience, that they will look to me as their 'friend for support' when they get stressed... but! they won't be able to understand my stressors, which have connections to trauma, whereas theirs don't. And trying to explain that to most people is very frustrating. At worst, you can end up being judged for having a trauma history by people who don't know what they are talking about and are basically revealing their actual level of empathy for others.

When I need someone to empathize with my situation, I find I'm often better at it these days than anyone else I know. Which is what recovery is all about. The days I struggle, I read what actual therapists write about, because they have studied trauma. But people who have lived it know it from the inside, which is why people here on this site understand each other so often.

Thanks for putting this into words. It´s exacly what I am going through. I want to be in contact with people and socializa but triggers are still so strong and then I believe that Im so disconnected with other people´s Frequencies.
Thanks for the light brought to the topic.

[newlife33]

I think it's a normal part of the process. If you think it out rationally, once we realize that our parents were really toxic and abusive, it makes sense to go into hiding for a while because there's so much to process and work on internally that it's almost impossible to socialize with others.

[athene1399]

I do this a lot. It takes a lot of energy to be out with people, to keep my cool at work (the lady next to me is probably uNPD/uHPD, reminds me of my uPDm and triggers the shit out of me), then when at the store or whatever I have terrible social anxiety, I have to use a lot of energy trying to stay mindful because of my emotional reactivity. So often, I just want to stay home where I don't have to worry about anything. Especially when I am alone. I don't have to worry if I say something in anger because I am alone. There's nothing to filter because I am alone. When I am around others it can be exhausting. I have to filter my thoughts, I have to give myself a constant pep talk (like "They aren't intentionally making you feel bad, you're taking what they said the wrong way..." "nobody hates you..." ect), I have to stay mindful of my feelings and control my behaviors. I keep reminding myself it gets easier the more I practice, but sometimes I just need a break. I need to just worry about me and no one else.

But I give myself limits, like "you can be a hermit for one day" or whatever. Otherwise I'm afraid I will buy a cabin in Alaska and never speak to anyone ever again. lol Or I give myself incentives: "If you go to the store to buy dinner you can buy yourself a treat for after."

[1footouttadefog]

Be a hermit for a time of you must.  But dont neglect youself in other ways.

Be vigilent to self carw tue physical, emothinal, intelectrual amd spiritual parts of the whole.

In this way when you are done grieving and dealing with anger and the realities of pd abise amd such then the will be heslthy in other areas and ready to move in socially. 

Being well balanced and cared for will hwlp with attracting fewer  pd people.

[me01t]

I am really going through this as well at the moment. I think it's the thing that you know very few people will understand what you have endured and for me, Until I feel strong enough to withstand any invalidation that may occur I don't want to put myself 'out there'. Don't get me wrong, I am using the time wisely, Exercise, Rest, Eating well, Reading etc. What you ask is also a similar question to what i have had the last few days. Then i remind myself how i feel better week by week so maybe it's a personal thing as long as you know you will you will take baby steps when the time is right for you. 

[athene1399]

Until I feel strong enough to withstand any invalidation that may occur I don't want to put myself 'out there'.

I think this is a great point. I've been so frustrated with work due to this. I'm so burnt out from work and not being listened to that I have no patience for it when I get home. when I get irritated at work, I take a break. When I go home I try to do something relaxing or something that helps me to blow off steam. Invalidation is so triggering for me. 

Take breaks to recharge when you need to. Or do something just for you. There's nothing wrong with needing to withdraw now and then. I hope you feel recharged soon!

[kaizen]

I just noticed this post, and I can really identify.

I've been trying so hard to create a peaceful life for myself, to counteract the stress of dealing with my mom, her issues, and the POA business I'm responsible for. I've been unsubscribing from marketing emails and getting off snail-mail junk mail lists to reduce aggravation. I have a Facebook account, but I'm only connected to 3 people, I think.  I mostly go on to check posts in groups I'm in a member of, but rarely post myself. I've made my profile vague on purpose, and haven't added my maiden name. I would be hard to find. I go to an exercise class that has social events sometimes, and I never participate.

My husband feels the same way; we are invited to family events on his side, and he never wants to go. We really value being able to do things alone, together, like just getting out to a restaurant by ourselves. There were so many years where most of our restaurant outings were with my mother or other family, and so many years where we were both working and didn't have the energy to go out alone together. (Now we're retired.) We both need a lot of alone time, away from each other. We hope to move houses eventually, and we probably need to plan for both a Man Cave and a She Shed.

Now someone has told me about a FB group for my old high school class, and told me the reunion committee has me on a list of people they have no addresses for. I'm in a quandary. There are a couple of people I wouldn't mind being in touch with, but let's face it, if we were that close to begin with we wouldn't have lost touch. And is it worth opening myself up to a bunch of potentially annoying contacts? I don't want to start getting sales pitches for life insurance, etc. from people I hardly remember. My instinct is to just stay "underground," but I also worry that it's not healthy.