Loneliness

[Drawing_boundaries]

I am at a point in my life where I am no longer in any abuse cycles... I have walked away from any interactions that are unhealthy and have strong boundaries and reserves around new people I meet. These are all positive things I have been working towards for years and am proud of myself for achieving them and offering a better life for myself & my kid.

The down side is I am utterly alone in the world. There is not one person in this world 'filling my cup'.
Don't get me wrong I  have many people at work I am on friendly terms with & parent friends who I attend social functions with... but not one person who is there for me just because I am me. It is all social duties and pleasantries.

I was unprepared for this - the loneliness. The devastating reality that not one adult in this world loves me. That all the people I have held close to me in the past are and remain abusive. That I don't even know what it is like to have a close healthy relationship?
Has anyone else been in this place & moved through it?

My heart is hurting and there is a lot of pain to move through before I can even imagine a healthy friendship in my life. Even more before I allow an intimate relationship to form.

[Spygirl]

I am sorry,

I think we all have to "reboot" ourselves from  our unhealthy past.  I agree it is lonely. I also feel adrift often, with superficial connection.

On the other hand, in the past i was filling myself up by being indispensable to other people in a way that was bad for me, i dont want to go back to that.

So, the take away imo, is that the glass full of pain has been emptied and is being washed of the residue of the past. Once it is CLEAN, it will be ready to fill up with positve healthy relationships.

We have to get to the clear headed part for ourselves, and the lonliness we experience is still better than the abuse that filled us before. I try not to think of it as lonliness, but as self care and me time. I am making myself a current full time friend. As i heal and move about my day, other healthy people will see me, and i can develop friendships with them.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you Spygirl for hearing my pain. I feel validated.

I like your analogy of a glass full of pain. I don't think my pain has entirely been drained from the glass. There is so much trauma for me to work through but I like the idea of the glass never again being filled up with PD or triangulation pain ever again. That gives me so much to look forward to in itself. I'm trying to be my own best friend with care and love. It is lonely but maybe it will get better.

[Boat Babe]

Dear Drawing Boundaries. Loneliness is so hard to bear. We are social beings, it's in our DNA, so being deprived of meaningful contact is terribly distressing. Also, if your childhood was a PD nightmare, you've probably felt on your own since day one. I know I have and it's my core wound for sure.

Learning to trust, yourself (to make the right choices) and others (to be decent human beings) takes time but is possible, especially as you are now out of abusive environments. (Well done for that my dear)

So know that we are here for you, unburden yourself in this wierd and wonderful virtual cafe, where we all come with our stories, sometimes to find support and at other times to offer it..  You are not alone. ❤️

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you Boat Babe. I'm trying very hard to remind myself that this is a passing period of loneliness & am ever so grateful for this online space. It is safe to share here and I've only ever seen considered and caring responses.

It is the loneliness along with the ongoing memories of being hurt/under appreciated/not seen and not cared about by my family. I am coming to a fuller realisation of the intensity of the FOG I grew up in. It hurts - so I am so very grateful for this space.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Drawing_boundaries,

I hear you. I really do.

I think that a lot of people who do the work of drawing boundaries, as your excellent name illustrates, find ourselves here. I didn't find answers easily and a lot of trial and error happened before I learned why this was hard for me.

Do you have a sense of how your body is doing with the memories when they come up about your trauma? We are each a little different in this. For me, I find that processing a memory of past hurt is felt in my stomach and then my appetite stays low for a while. Its not good or bad it just is. I have learned how to check in with my stomach way more often than I ever did before.  I noticed patterns and investigated what helped me during times when I was thinking about the past and times when I wanted to process something from the past and when I didn't want to process it at that time. I learned that certain activities led to me feeling connected to myself and certain activities led me to feel lonely. I write this as someone who has spent many days struggling to help myself when I feel lonely.

I don't want to make it sound like it was easy but i don't want to make it sound impossible either. We're here to help you with exploring this phase so that you are not alone in this.

Trees

[1footouttadefog]

In some regards I am in a similar situation.  It's hard but I know this time will pass for me.  I have alot to do and need to concentrate on finishing up my youngest child's schooling so I am being patient. 

I have full trust that in the right time I will have a special and fulfilling relationship again. 

In the meantime I have a girlfriend who is taking short cuts in this regard and is suffering misery after misery and making big mistakes and even at times taking what I see as huge risks. 

I don't want to encounter the losers she has and would rather be lonely than what she is going through because it's not bringing her happyness .

[Associate of Daniel]

I've never been one to need other people's company but I have been through a couple of periods of lonliness since uNPD exH left.

It's a lonliness exclusive to victims of pd abuse, I think.

My only romantic relationship has been with uNPD exH, and he didn't love me.  So yeah. What does that make me? Unlovable? I'm a few months shy of 50.

But the lonliness was conflicting with my desire to be on my own to heal.  I find I need a LOT of alone time. A LOT of silence. My home is my safe place. I don't want anyone else in it other than ds12.

That doesn't fit with a relationship with anyone.

It's a catch 22.

Currently I'm ok lonlinesswise. And I'm not so untrusting as I have been.

Keep persevering.  IME the lonliness seems to have been a stage of my healing and I seem to have come through it now.

Hopefully it will be the same for you.

AOD

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you everyone for your compassion and input. Coming on these boards and seeing that you have responded means a lot.

Trees I will try and tune into my bodily reaction to the traumatic memories more as they come up. It is an excellent way to keep in touch with yourself by listening to your stomach. I am not aware of anything in particular on the small scale at this point rather I am aware of longer patterns of behaviour/reaction responses from my body. In the aftermath of abandonment or rejection I will go into a hyper aware/anxiety state where I can not sleep, read novels and find it hard to calm my mind. I am working with my therapist to unwind from one of these states at the moment. This one has been particularly bad because I am not running back into abusive relationships/self harming behaviours to calm my nerves and am standing in my loneliness. It is scary but I am still here and hoping that by doing that I can reinforce some positive coping behaviours.

1footouttadefog - I hear you with watching people go back into different relationships only to be replaying the same pattern. I have seen it too and it is much less scary to be alone than go through that in my life. I suppose it is the closeness to another I think about in small ways like sharing a cup of tea and a chat on the couch and it just being simple and comfortable... nothing glamorous just shared company. I really hope that my future holds these things for me but right know I have too much trauma to heal from to imagine these sorts of interactions without tearing up. These simple moments seem so far removed from any experiences I have had with people close to me. There was always a price to be paid for having my needs met which seems to be at the core of my loneliness.

Associate of Daniel

It's a lonliness exclusive to victims of pd abuse, I think.

Yep I feel that! I am still processing my intimate partner relationships... The FOO stuff has taken most of my energy up to now but I am starting to see how the FOO set me up for PD abuse with partners as well. My only 'successful' relationship was with the biological father of my child. The more I understand about PD and the further I get out of his emotional grasp the more I see him as possessing very strong Avoidant personality disordered characteristics along with a dash of paranoid character traits. He is diagnosed as having disorganised attachment disorder... I wouldn't be surprised if there was some  co-morbid overlap given how much there is with BPD and attachment disorders. It doesn't feel very nice that this is my only 'successful' relationship. Add to this that I am and have always been exclusively attracted to women - I am pretty messed up around intimate partnerships. Self protection around that is important for me right now. I hope my sharing has made you feel a little less 'unlovable' as you put it. Because we are loveable its just we have been trained by our FOO into dysfunction. It is in no way a reflection on you and your true worth. 

[Free2Bme]

Drawing Boundaries,
Thank you so much for having the courage to articulate what so many are feeling.  There seems to be reluctance in saying "I feel alone and unloved", I know I am hesitant to say this because these words are misused at times by others.  (I am heading in the same direction as you are and have wondered how I will fare in light of this truth, as I am really alone).
As I re-read your words I applaud you for the healthy changes you have made, you have set a good example for your son/daughter as well.  However, I wonder about the way you describe yourself as reserved around new people.  Could it be that you are reluctant to risk?  I don't mean this critically, just a kind observation.  I have noticed that I sometimes will project that everything is ok with me, when I know that it is not.  I have to work on balancing the knowledge that I have come a long way from where I was, but that I still need to risk failure in order to have a chance to love and be loved (any relationship, not just romantic).  You have so much to offer another person because of what you have survived, don't let that go to waste Part of getting healthy is not allowing the toxic abuser to rob us of having reciprocal relationships. 
This may sound silly, but sometimes I imagine what I would say to one of my children if they came to me with a particular dilemma.  Then, I take the advice I would give to them.  Grace and peace to you!

[Drawing_boundaries]

I wonder about the way you describe yourself as reserved around new people.  Could it be that you are reluctant to risk?  I don't mean this critically, just a kind observation.  I have noticed that I sometimes will project that everything is ok with me, when I know that it is not.

Perfectly put Free2Bme. I am entirely reserved around people - I am trying to allow time and honest reflection on the other persons behaviours to slowly allow trust to build rather than jump in the deep end with more enmeshed relationships. It does mean I project a sense of everything is alright attitude all the time. If someone starts discussing something with more depth and substance I will engage in a meaningful way but I don't say any more than I would be willing for everyone to know.

I had an interesting conversation today about BPD with a coworker who brought the subject up (someone she know has just broken up with a BPD & it has been intense) I engaged in a logical and rational way about how it looks and that I have experienced it in my family (a big step for me to reveal this) but I didn't reveal anything about how it has hobbled my life. No emotional talk just describing patterns of behaviour and cautioning about how bad BPD can be. It was a positive conversation and I was very aware of how my coworker behaved so I could check in with my boundaries throughout the conversation. Maybe this slow building blocks of friendship will ease the pain of loneliness I feel over time.

[Free2Bme]

That is progress.  I believe I would be more reluctant to share with those in my workplace due to the sensitive nature and ubiquitous lack of understanding about PD.  However, IMO you might try to identify others that might be candidates to open up to incrementally in the future, those who are low-risk for you.  Meanwhile, stay connected to folk online that share similar experiences.   

[TrueRefuge]

Drawing_boundaries, well done on extricating yourself from abusive relationships all round. That is to be applauded.

I think Free2BMe expressed it perfectly. We don't like to risk ourselves with people because a) they've proved to be dangerous in the past, and b) perhaps we don't trust our own instincts to choose good people. That is naturally going to make us isolate ourselves and withdraw. I think the fact you've realised this is a good thing. Although I'm sorry to hear you're feeling all alone, as that's never a nice place to be. You also need to remember that you're not using those unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with this pain, so of course you are feeling it very intensely. But you should be proud that you haven't resorted to those coping mechanisms, as you deserve to treat yourself (body, mind, soul) with kindness and loving.

I haven't "got through" what you're going through, but you've made me realise something that I think I should discuss in therapy. I feel like I have now developed such high expectations from friends in my life that if I think they can't accept "all of me" in the way I need them to (with compassion, empathy, interest) then I am reluctant to start a friendship... But maybe this is unrealistic, and an overreaction to the abuse I've suffered. Perhaps I need to readjust my expectations and accept that those people who can accept me completely are rare diamonds, but it's still worth having some wonderful ruby and sapphire and emerald friends in my life.

On a practical note, are there any activities you enjoy where you could go and do a class regularly, say once a week for a couple of weeks/months? Art, dancing, gym, book club? I just wonder if you would appreciate some human connection without the pressure of forming a close friendship...

I hope the feelings pass soon. You're on the right path, but sometimes the path is slippy and overgrown and not fun!

[Drawing_boundaries]

Again thank you for the support. I feel heard and validated on these forums & am doing some deep emotional work in this loneliness period. I had a much better day today. No reasoning behind it but I just felt more connected with myself and it felt lovely.

I'm so grateful for this forum & all your support

[treesgrowslowly]

What you wrote on August 19 stuck with me because I feel that too "...nothing glamorous, just shared company".

Actually I think that our desire for this is part of our own internal awareness of how valuable those times are where we are with people who are in a settled state so that we can feel good about getting into a settled (not hypervigilant) state. A lot of people who ask me to go here or there with them are a distracted during the socializing, they make me anxious...they are not calm so I find it hard to relax. This is part of having PDs in my past.

We have to work with ourselves and then recognize when it makes sense to pursue a connection with someone. Along the way I suspect we find ourselves working hard to be present and settled emotionally, only to discver that the other person isn't in a calm headspace themselves. I think I know what you mean by saying "nothing glamorous" but I think what you describe is a sense of peaceful being together and it involves finding others who have figured out their own stuff. To the extent that they can enjoy relaxing.

Your desire for this is so valid and so on point. Some people strike me as unable to settle. They can't relax. Being around them makes me feel quite lonely I think. I actually feel better home alone than with people who are hard for me to relax with. And there are times we wish we had someone to share relax time with. I think it's so normal to desire that.

Thank you for starting this thread- it's been full of great posts here.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thanks Trees. I certainly have gotten a lot from the feedback on this post. It has been a difficult period but I am moving through it and managing myself quite well considering.

When I said 'nothing glamorous' I literally envisioned being so comfortable with someones company that I could just relax and have a cup of tea with them on the couch without pretence or drama bringing us together. Just the enjoyment of being in someones company.

You mentioning hypervigilance is interesting. I had not identified that this is what I use to do. What has changed is I now have better boundaries and put them in place at the time of a breech rather than exploding later when I have stewed on it endlessly. Could it be that because of my boundaries I can explore this loneliness as my life isn't full of PD drama. It is an interesting idea to contemplate.

Add to this that I have initiated some positive routines in my life - which are soothing and give me meaning that loneliness is actually just me feeling what my life has always been like & in itself that is an improvement over the drama that always filled the gap of true human connection.

[treesgrowslowly]

Could it be that because of my boundaries I can explore this loneliness as my life isn't full of PD drama. It is an interesting idea to contemplate.

Add to this that I have initiated some positive routines in my life - which are soothing and give me meaning that loneliness is actually just me feeling what my life has always been like & in itself that is an improvement over the drama that always filled the gap of true human connection.

I think the desire for a relaxing visit sitting on the couch in peace with another person, is definitely a sign that we are further Out of the FOG and drama of PD bonds from our past. It is a desire for company that is drama free. Is it not? I crave it too. It could be why some people get pets. They provide that relaxing company.

I think it takes a lot of courage to stay with ourselves during this stage. There is a craving for the type of loving relationship or friendship that is a very human feeling to have.

Pulling away from all the drama created by PDs can lead to this stage and I think we can support one another on forums like this. I am glad this thread has been popular because as you said, this stage is better than the previous one where there was drama that "filled a gap".