Making new friends - taking a break

[Mintstripes]

After leaving my unPDex a few years ago, I found myself in the position of starting completely from scratch when it came to making friends. All my best friends live out of state. We keep in touch regularly: We’ve known each other for years, have seen each other through ups and downs and get each other. I am incredibly grateful for them even if I don’t see them in person.

I’ve been through so much over the past few years with a divorce and various other life changes and struggles as a single parent with no support. I’ve recently tried to make new friends with other moms from LO’s school, or other people I’ve met in the neighborhood. But you know what I’ve realized? It’s exhausting. I can’t relate to the other moms. I’ve had many disappointing false starts. I consider myself to be a pretty sociable and engaging person, but I haven’t found my people yet. I’m not sure I ever will, tbh.

To be clear, I’m not looking for advice on how to make friends.

Does anyone else feel like the best self-care is to take a break from socializing? I’ve come up empty so many times recently, or been ghosted by people I thought had potential. Now, I want to retreat. Spend time at home, with my LO, doing hobbies I enjoy, going places together.

[notrightinthehead]

I can relate to that. I think of it that I have not found my tribe. But it is more like my tribe is small, scattered, and far away. It might be a co-dependency trait to expect from oneself to be popular and have many friends, and just another imperfection that one has to live with, that real friends are rare and far between.
I think it is perfectly fine to take a break from making friends. In fact it might be good self care to do so if it is exhausting you.  You probably have a social interaction every day anyway, a casual chat here and there, some exchange at work, so it's perfectly fine to have your main focus on yourself and your child.

[TriedTooHard]

Yes, I do feel there are times when the best self care is to take a break from socializing. 

There's only so much time in a day.  There are so many healthy things we must model for our LOs, and self care is one of them.  My LO is not so little any more, and I'm glad I took the time to be with him, go places with him, and also help him learn to have better relationships with the other kids around him than I ever did as a child. 

As I did this through the years, I witnessed a lot of parents of other kids socializing together.   I've come to realize that these parents were going through similar with their old friendships and family ties, for various reasons, and there was nothing wrong with them looking for new friends, but eventually things change as the kids grow older, and some of them haven't dealt well with those changes.

I think being on this site and learning and growing from our pasts will help us be ready to notice when someone is a good fit for us, and when they're not.

[GettingOOTF]

I really battle with this. I lost all the friends in my divorce and the fallout and prolonged divorce meant I wasn't really in any state to make friends.

Now I'm at an age where most women are settled in terms of friends and aren't looking to expand their circle. They are also home with families, not out and about.

I can't seem to meet anyone in my age group with any shared interests that we could build a bond over. I feel like I've been left behind and will never catch up and fit in anywhere again.

I went through my divorce with a friend and we became close over it, I consider her my best friend, but she lives in another state and our lives are so different now that I feel is drifting apart.

I've taken a break from dating and considered taking one from trying to make friends but I feel that will just put me further behind.

I think for me the hardest part of rebuilding my life is the constant stream of basically rejection on all fronts. I know it's not easy for anyone to make friends or date, but surely there has to be someone out there looking for new people on their lives. It's exhausting and honestly in my darker hours I wonder what the point of going on is. 

[Mintstripes]

I can relate to that. I think of it that I have not found my tribe. But it is more like my tribe is small, scattered, and far away. It might be a co-dependency trait to expect from oneself to be popular and have many friends, and just another imperfection that one has to live with, that real friends are rare and far between.
I think it is perfectly fine to take a break from making friends. In fact it might be good self care to do so if it is exhausting you.  You probably have a social interaction every day anyway, a casual chat here and there, some exchange at work, so it's perfectly fine to have your main focus on yourself and your child.

I've definitely also accepted that real friends are rare, and that I've probably already met them all. Barring some miracle, I don't see myself having another best friend...
Taking a break from anything that isn't working is healthy, I think.

[Mintstripes]

Yes, I do feel there are times when the best self care is to take a break from socializing. 

There's only so much time in a day.  There are so many healthy things we must model for our LOs, and self care is one of them.  My LO is not so little any more, and I'm glad I took the time to be with him, go places with him, and also help him learn to have better relationships with the other kids around him than I ever did as a child. 

As I did this through the years, I witnessed a lot of parents of other kids socializing together.   I've come to realize that these parents were going through similar with their old friendships and family ties, for various reasons, and there was nothing wrong with them looking for new friends, but eventually things change as the kids grow older, and some of them haven't dealt well with those changes.

I think being on this site and learning and growing from our pasts will help us be ready to notice when someone is a good fit for us, and when they're not.

I agree that it is good to learn who is for us and who isn't. I'm not for everyone, and I'm ok with that. I no longer care if people don't like me. If I can't be myself around you, we're not suited to be friends. I find a lot of the moms around here pretty uptight, just not my style... but I can talk for hours with my friends who live a plane ride away. Your people "get" you!

[Mintstripes]

I really battle with this. I lost all the friends in my divorce and the fallout and prolonged divorce meant I wasn’t really in any state to make friends.

Now I’m at an age where most women are settled in terms of friends and aren’t looking to expand their circle. They are also home with families, not out and about.

I can’t seem to meet anyone in my age group with any shared interests that we could build a bond over. I feel like I’ve been left behind and will never catch up and fit in anywhere again.

I went through my divorce with a friend and we became close over it, I consider her my best friend, but she lives in another state and our lives are so different now that I feel is drifting apart.

I’ve taken a break from dating and considered taking one from trying to make friends but I feel that will just put me further behind.

I think for me the hardest part of rebuilding my life is the constant stream of basically rejection on all fronts. I know it’s not easy for anyone to make friends or date, but surely there has to be someone out there looking for new people on their lives. It’s exhausting and honestly in my darker hours I wonder what the point of going on is.

I relate to this so hard.
After I separated, my life was in shambles and I definitely wasn’t trying to make any friends. After I got back on my feet, I realized that I had changed profoundly, after the divorce etc. My good friends from over a decade ago were there for me and still are, although our lives are different.
You hit the nail on the head with having to deal with so much rejection. I’ve felt that way too. But I keep going, even if it means eating cookies and watching food shows alone at home while LO sleeps.
I also feel that most people aren’t interested in expanding their friend circle. People are really busy with their young families. People are getting pregnant with their seconds and more. I’m one and done. It’s no one’s fault... I don’t blame people for who they are. It’s just hard feeling like no one gets me.
I also got pretty upset recently because I met someone who I thought had great potential as a new friend. We went out a few times, I got a babysitter, we laughed and laughed... and all of a sudden, she stopped answering my texts? I promise I didn’t say anything weird!! And I’m not needy at all... it just came as a shock... So rather than back to the drawing board, I just need a break.

Divorce changes us in so many ways and I think one thing that people don’t talk about as much as they should is the isolation. Many of us lose a built in network. Personally, I left a marriage as well as a faith community. Both were extremely toxic, and I have no regrets, but I’m still learning how to navigate this world all on my own, with kiddo in tow now. I’m doing alright, but I still have pain.

[TriedTooHard]

Mintstripes, you sound way ahead of where I was at your stage of life.  As my username implies, I was way too hard on myself when trying to have better relationships with friends and family.  Between time constraints and other adults who still haven't become self aware, socializing can be a challenge.  No matter how wise and aware we are, it is very hurtful to have someone "ghost" you, as you recently experienced. 

As I navigate through my early 50's, I am seeing some glimmers of hope in other women around me, especially the ones who don't try to  micro-manage their older kids and elderly relatives.  I'm realizing that it wasn't something shameful or broken about me during those younger years.  But like you implied, I'm also realizing that friendships for me will not be the same as they are for some lucky teens and young adults.

Still, its tempting to wonder what was up with that person that all of a sudden stopped texting.  Maybe she had an emergency, or maybe some minor thing triggered her.  Either way, you're better off moving on. 

[GettingOOTF]

I've had similar experiences where I've cine out with someone, thought we hit it off and then they go quiet.

I think I'm pretty good company. I work with people for my job so I know how to hold a conversation, I have myriad interests, am well travelled, have a sense of humor, and know which knife and fork to use with which dish. I can't figure it out.

Where I live there's a very fast pace and people are always looking for "better", or people who will add to their lives professionally, financially, getting into good places etc.

I feel like if I were 10 years younger it would be easier. I'm ahead in many ways and behind in others.

It really is like dating in that you are interviewing and assessing the other person and who knows what they are really looking for.

One of the dating apps has a Friends section. I met up with a couple of women and it highlighted how that's a simply terrible way to meet people. You have no common ground other than you want a friend. It's a total crap shoot.

[1footouttadefog]

I have sort of taken a break for about a year.

At some point I realized many if my friendship and aquaintences had become lopsided.

Either I was putting in the efforts to stay in touch, or I was only being called when people needed something or similar. 

I sort of took a step back and dropped the ropes.  It was I retesting to see which ones stayed limp and which ones had a rug back.

I am now moving forward knowing who a friend and trying out new social opportunities.

I will be getting involved in new activities and will and ha e met some new people.

I think that I might even find a new Church in the future and start fresh that way also.

I have found that when people know you as part of a couple, they tend not to imagine you could socialize separately.
People who meet me alone who know I have a disabled spouse, seem to understand I will socialize alone.

Strange you cannot evolve in some people's mind.  Oh well. 

Tonight I will play trivia at a local restaurant's lounge.  Just me.   

[Spygirl]

Its been a good read to learn about others common lament tonight. I was feeling a little lonely here in my temp cottage, with the wind howling in off the bay.

I have some professional contacts, but no friends here yet. Granted its been a week since i relocated. I start my new job tomorrow. I am excited about that.

While i am alone, i am doing something for me. Taking care of myself on a level i could not do before, as i was attending to my expd, and then the divorce, and then preparing to move.

I'd like to think i will emerge this cocoon as a wiser, rested creature, who will go about my own life with purpose, and slowly collect a few like-minded people i can enjoy adventures with.

I also "dropped the rope" and discovered who was sticking with me, and who was moving on. I have no ill feelings for anyone. We change as life leads us on. Its the only way we can grow.

Romance is totally off my radar. I have zero interest in that area. Probably for a long time. Maybe forever. Maybe i will change my mind, but who knows.  I dont have a crystal ball.

Perhaps we all just need to be patient, and for once not strive so much to find companionship for a little while. Let it find us. Imo, our need for companionship as a means of validatiing our worth as people, is part of what got us in such terrible situations. 

[GettingOOTF]

I have been separated and divorced for many years now. I've worked through my issues with poor relationship choices. I'm looking for companionship, intimacy, things in common and fun in friendships and a relationship. I'm not looking to validate my own self worth, I validate that on my own.

I understand this is different for people at different stages of their journey. There is nothing wrong with people wanting friendship or a romantic partner. It's totally natural and healthy  for people to want to fill these needs. While more time to rebuild and get comfortable with oneself is good advice for many, especially those who are more freshly out of an abusive situation it can  be unhelpful advice to those further along on their journey.

[MamaDryad]

I relate so much to this. My truly close friends are scattered far and wide. We talk and text quite a bit, but it's not the same.

Making parent friends is a whole thing, with so many moving parts, and I've got the added layer of being part of a two-mom family. Even in a big city, that's a small pool, and we're not necessarily going to have much else in common. Not that I only want to be friends with LGBTQ parents, but there's always this feeling that we *should* be friends, that we want our kids to know other families like ours, and it also gives a certain baseline sense of safety to have that kind of community.

What I struggle with is mid-level friendships, in between superficial/circumstantial friends and deep connections. I'm sure part of that is that I never saw a model for that growing up; my mother had a series of friendships that got super close very quickly and then faded just as quickly when people realized what she was really like. It also doesn't help that I've got lingering *stuff* about how neat I have the get our home before I'm comfortable inviting new people over. But I think the biggest part is that as I dig into my past and really focus on the work of healing, I find myself less interested in spending time with people around whom I would need to put on a front. Not to say that I want to talk about trauma all the time (or at all) with everyone, but that a certain shared understanding of how the world works, how parents aren't always good, how appearances aren't everything, is necessary right now for me to relax around others.

[Mintstripes]

I relate so much to this. My truly close friends are scattered far and wide. We talk and text quite a bit, but it's not the same.

Making parent friends is a whole thing, with so many moving parts, and I've got the added layer of being part of a two-mom family. Even in a big city, that's a small pool, and we're not necessarily going to have much else in common. Not that I only want to be friends with LGBTQ parents, but there's always this feeling that we *should* be friends, that we want our kids to know other families like ours, and it also gives a certain baseline sense of safety to have that kind of community.

What I struggle with is mid-level friendships, in between superficial/circumstantial friends and deep connections. I'm sure part of that is that I never saw a model for that growing up; my mother had a series of friendships that got super close very quickly and then faded just as quickly when people realized what she was really like. It also doesn't help that I've got lingering *stuff* about how neat I have the get our home before I'm comfortable inviting new people over. But I think the biggest part is that as I dig into my past and really focus on the work of healing, I find myself less interested in spending time with people around whom I would need to put on a front. Not to say that I want to talk about trauma all the time (or at all) with everyone, but that a certain shared understanding of how the world works, how parents aren't always good, how appearances aren't everything, is necessary right now for me to relax around others.

I totally hear you on thinking we "should" be friends with other queer parents.  I've largely gotten over that. There aren't many LGBTQ families in my immediate area,  so I had high hopes for a few people but it totally fizzled and we had nothing in common otherwise!
I was in the closet when I was married to my UNpd ex-h, so coming out later in life is a whole thing. I'm good with it now, but as you said, for me it adds another layer too...
My (NC covert narc) mother never had friends growing up because she was so co dependent with my (also NC) abusive father. I think I sometimes put extra pressure on myself to be different, have my child grow up with my friends around... but I'd rather be selective in who I spend time with, and need to remind myself that I am emphatically not my mother.
Anyway, glad to hear another lgbt parent perspective  

[Mintstripes]

I have been separated and divorced for many years now. I've worked through my issues with poor relationship choices. I'm looking for companionship, intimacy, things in common and fun in friendships and a relationship. I'm not looking to validate my own self worth, I validate that on my own.

I understand this is different for people at different stages of their journey. There is nothing wrong with people wanting friendship or a romantic partner. It's totally natural and healthy  for people to want to fill these needs. While more time to rebuild and get comfortable with oneself is good advice for many, especially those who are more freshly out of an abusive situation it can  be unhelpful advice to those further along on their journey.

Agree. I went through my avoidance and isolation during my divorce, and although my default can still be those things, I eventually do want to socialize more. I'm not writing it off forever, I just needed a break from all these lukewarm, unfulfilling interactions I'd been having.

I've been feeling a bit better since I posted and even made a post on a dating site. Supposed to have a date with a woman this weekend, for coffee! If it goes badly, I can just leave. But it might be fun! So there's that

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi mintstripes,

Enjoy the date! You deserve to have some positive interactions with people. If the date is more lukewarmness, you can pat yourself on the back for the effort and then see what your next steps will be for yourself. Hope it is a good time!

Trees

[Pepin]

While I haven't gone through a divorce, I have taken a long break from friends.  I honestly cannot handle it anymore.  I have a couple of friends that I periodically check in with every few weeks and that is it.  Everyone else I run into is either a cashier or someone in passing when I'm out on a walk.

As a newcomer to my town, I did my best to get out there and meet people.  I joined clubs and got involved.  I tried really hard to make friends with people at my kids school as well....and I got burned hard a few times.  SO, I decided that I would be done doing that for a while.  I am not native to my town or area and people are really tight here.  Not only that but there sadly is the $$$ factor in my town as well that dictates how people interact with each other.     I'm just not of that lingo.

I am not lonely.  I adore the peace and quiet.  There are not enough hours in the day sometimes.  After half an hour with my friends I am already exhausted and bored...there may be other people out there like me -- but they are probably staying home in the peace and quiet of their own 4 walls.  SO I doubt I'll ever find someone like me.

[Mintstripes]

Hi mintstripes,

Enjoy the date! You deserve to have some positive interactions with people. If the date is more lukewarmness, you can pat yourself on the back for the effort and then see what your next steps will be for yourself. Hope it is a good time!

Trees

Thank you! I go with no expectations, but I figure why not?