crying when I work out

[Pepin]

I have been working out for years and I work out at home.  Sometimes I start crying during workouts because often I am also ruminating inside my head and doing self inquiry.  Thoughts seem to be clearer and I get triggered and cry.  I work out in the morning and I have thoughts about all that is going on in my life from the PDs until I shower after my workout and am ready for the day.  Does this happen to anyone else?

[BeautifulCrazy]

Haha! Yes! Yes! And YES!!!

I experience this too!
It also sometimes happens when I am doing hard physical work that is repetitive.
My brain processes best when my body is in motion. Exercising, working, walking....
I think some of it is my trauma getting physically worked out too, instead of taking up residence in my body.
The tears feel good afterward. Cleansing. No matter what emotion is attached. Anger, grief, self pity, guilt, disappointment.
Like you, I don't seem to carry it over into the rest of my day. I work it out, wash it off and move on into the next things that need doing.
I always thought of it as one of my odd but adaptive quirks!

[square]

I used to cry while unloading the dishwasher.

I don't like it, at all. I now listen to podcasts while unloading the dishwasher. 

[Simon]

I work out twice a day; once in the morning for about 1 and a half hours, and then an hour early evening, and you're right about how everything seems clearer when you work out.

No crying for me, as I'm so glad to be out of my situation with my ex, and I've flushed all toxic people out of my life now, but there are usually a few times a session when my mind wanders onto the subject of my BPD ex, and I start having negative thoughts about her, but I'm quick to tell myself off about it, because she has no place in my mind. 
But I must admit, when we first broke up, the anger and resentment I had towards her seemed to be amplified while I was working out.
I guess as the adrenaline starts pumping, the brain moves into overdrive.

I usually use the time to think things through, think of things I need to do for my business, stuff I need to do at home, etc.

Something else I do that occupies my mind during workouts is to watch things on TV.
I have a smart tv set up in the room where I work out, and over the last few months I've watched all the Hobbit films and all the Pirates of the Caribbean films on Amazon Prime, and I'm currently working my way through all the Marvel films on Disney+.
Also plenty of YouTube videos (people playing Super Mario Maker, videos on mathematical problems, music composition, comedians, graphic design/pixel art, etc., not to mention videos on BPD/NPD).
All while I'm working out.

Try it.
It works for me.

And as Square says, podcasts are a good idea too.
I sometimes listen to old Chris Moyles shows while I'm working out.
They're always good for a laugh.

[Pepin]

Haha! Yes! Yes! And YES!!!

I experience this too!
It also sometimes happens when I am doing hard physical work that is repetitive.
My brain processes best when my body is in motion. Exercising, working, walking....
I think some of it is my trauma getting physically worked out too, instead of taking up residence in my body.
The tears feel good afterward. Cleansing. No matter what emotion is attached. Anger, grief, self pity, guilt, disappointment.
Like you, I don't seem to carry it over into the rest of my day. I work it out, wash it off and move on into the next things that need doing.
I always thought of it as one of my odd but adaptive quirks!

This is so interesting that you experience the same.  And yes, it does feel cleansing in a sense.  Every day there is a new topic going on inside my head and I spend my morning dissecting it and learning from it.  There have been so many a-ha moments during my workouts. 

[Pepin]

I used to cry while unloading the dishwasher.

I don't like it, at all. I now listen to podcasts while unloading the dishwasher. 

OMG this is me cleaning bathrooms.  Podcasts always.  Kris Godinez is a favorite.  Or Armchair Expert.

[Pepin]

I work out twice a day; once in the morning for about 1 and a half hours, and then an hour early evening, and you're right about how everything seems clearer when you work out.

No crying for me, as I'm so glad to be out of my situation with my ex, and I've flushed all toxic people out of my life now, but there are usually a few times a session when my mind wanders onto the subject of my BPD ex, and I start having negative thoughts about her, but I'm quick to tell myself off about it, because she has no place in my mind. 
But I must admit, when we first broke up, the anger and resentment I had towards her seemed to be amplified while I was working out.
I guess as the adrenaline starts pumping, the brain moves into overdrive.

I usually use the time to think things through, think of things I need to do for my business, stuff I need to do at home, etc.

Something else I do that occupies my mind during workouts is to watch things on TV.
I have a smart tv set up in the room where I work out, and over the last few months I've watched all the Hobbit films and all the Pirates of the Caribbean films on Amazon Prime, and I'm currently working my way through all the Marvel films on Disney+.
Also plenty of YouTube videos (people playing Super Mario Maker, videos on mathematical problems, music composition, comedians, graphic design/pixel art, etc., not to mention videos on BPD/NPD).
All while I'm working out.

Try it.
It works for me.

And as Square says, podcasts are a good idea too.
I sometimes listen to old Chris Moyles shows while I'm working out.
They're always good for a laugh.

Seriously, yes.  My workouts are massively amped up at times when I am triggered.  It makes me work harder because I don't want to end up couch bound like DPD MIL who won't even take a walk around the hood.

And also yes, we are planning on mounting a smart TV in the workout area.  This will make it easier for me to follow some of the workout videos I watch.  That being said, I do need music to keep me going...and my playlist is hand picked of all my favorite songs from the 70s up until now.  Certain beats and sounds help me stay motivated and happy. 

[Sheppane]

Yes I have had that experience too of tears during workout and also podcasts when cleaning the bathroom !

But ....Im curious about this ...I have HUGE resistance to workouts / working out my feelings physically. Its a big push for me to workout. I'm a healthy size but I feel so burdened with my past it causes me huge difficulty to move it physically. It's like this burden literally weighs me down. My workouts are so exhausting and take a colossal amount of mental effort. It seems disproportionate.

Anyway I don't wish to hijack this thread ! Pepin, it sounds like you are really shifting something the way you describe it. It sounds very empowering. Your subconscious is also working out and knows what it is doing. I always feel whatever is coming up is just right for the time. I know I hold so much trauma physically and when I can begin to connect that will be a real sign of healing. Maybe this is where you are at in your journey?
Sending lots of strength

[Pepin]

Yes I have had that experience too of tears during workout and also podcasts when cleaning the bathroom !

But ....Im curious about this ...I have HUGE resistance to workouts / working out my feelings physically. Its a big push for me to workout. I'm a healthy size but I feel so burdened with my past it causes me huge difficulty to move it physically. It's like this burden literally weighs me down. My workouts are so exhausting and take a colossal amount of mental effort. It seems disproportionate.

Anyway I don't wish to hijack this thread ! Pepin, it sounds like you are really shifting something the way you describe it. It sounds very empowering. Your subconscious is also working out and knows what it is doing. I always feel whatever is coming up is just right for the time. I know I hold so much trauma physically and when I can begin to connect that will be a real sign of healing. Maybe this is where you are at in your journey?
Sending lots of strength

For me, the reason behind working out is because of debilitating pain that I have been dealing with.  They say that the body keeps score and it does.  I would rather not be reminded of my past because pain is bothering me during the day or especially at night.  I also don't want to wake up in pain either.  Working out keeps the pain to a minimum and under control.  I guess in a sense, working out is my way of being in control.  I can work out anytime, anywhere with or without equipment.  I am also inspired by older women that take care of their bodies and I am actually kind of repulsed by those that don't because it reminds me of DPD MIL and NPD F.  These two PDs are examples of people that like to get attention from their aches and pains; they also like the attention they get for using their age as an excuse to not do things anymore that others their age are easily doing. 

I have definitely gone long periods where I haven't worked out -- mostly because I was depressed and overeating instead.  I had no energy.  Micro work outs and low impact have helped me and it has taken years where now I can easily work out for an hour and half and wonder if I have covered everything that day that needed addressing.  I also stretch a lot and do a combo of yoga and pilates after cardio.  Weights and thera-bands have also been instrumental in keeping me motivated.  I need variety and I have to target the areas on my body that are prone to flare ups. 

When the two PDs in my life are no longer around, I know all the bodily inflammation and pain will vanish.  I bet everything I have on this.

Baby steps on the work outs!  Even if it is just a walk around the neighborhood.  It has helped me so much.   

[Lauren17]

Pepin, I can't quite tell from your post if this is a positive thing or a negative thing for you. But, I'm reading this and feeling a little jealous.  I'd like to work out and cry and feel better, before I start my day.
The times my tears pop up are quiet times. Church, grocery store, watching my kids in the school play, etc. So, I've been trying to incorporate more quiet time in my day, to give myself time to process.
You've inspired me to try some morning yoga!

[BeautifulCrazy]

Lauren, when I originally answered Pepin's post, part of me was thinking of the grocery store tears and church tears too!!!
I wonder how it is for others, but for me, those are a different kind of tears and don't involve any self work or deep processing. When I cry grocery store/ church/ watching growing children tears I am having feelings/ thoughts of :
- loneliness
- tiredness
- longing for a life partner
- sadness
- missing good parts of my old relationship and things we did in the early days together (like church and shopping)
- missing parts I never had in my old relationship (like hand holding, marveling at our children, growing old together)
- feeling overwhelmed
- wondering if I will ever have those things I want
- disappointment at where I am in life
- afraid
- insecure
- I feel small and sad and I want someone to comfort me, hold me, rescue me, take some of the tasks or responsibilities away, love me....
- the feelings are tired/ tiring and drained/ draining

When I cry working out/ working hard/ physical activity tears I am having feelings/ thoughts of:
- ANGER!!!
- deep grief (that often turns to anger and blame at PD)
- resentment
- disappointment (often boils into anger and blame at PD)
- self pity (usually turns to anger at myself)
- guilt about the kids (anger at self)
- guilt about the relationship (more anger at me)
- I am thinking of specific incidents with PD. Like when they said that thing that was awful and hate filled. When they did that mean, hurtful thing I will NEVER forgive them for.
- I am thinking about 'why' things. Why did I stay so long and subject my kids to that? Why did he do/say that? Why couldn't I just have chosen someone different? Why did I choose him?
- the feelings are physical and intense and energetic. Muscles tense, guts churning, teeth grinding, heart pounding, hot tears, fists clenching, wanting to growl, hit, scream, swear....
- there is inner work (and often resistance) going on, especially once the initial intensity dies back and it becomes soothing repetitions. Accepting, acknowledging, releasing traumas. Turning my unforgiveness over to God. Letting go of all that was and is. Embracing my imperfection, and my role and responsibility in what happened.

Total tangent here, but I don't do the tv or podcast or youtube thing while working out. I do listen to music most of the time but that's because I can play my tunes and derive energy from them without "actively" listening. I don't want or need to be distracted from my feelings or occupy my mind with something else.
I do the podcasts, YouTube, audiobooks and things I need to pay attention to while doing things I can autopilot like cleaning bathrooms (or other chores) or cooking dinner or walking. I guess I then process what I have learned while working out?

[Oscen]

Like others here, I ruminate when I do housework. It's not positive for me - I go through arguments in my head again and again, trying to "win" it. I'm shifting my attitude away from blame, so it's getting better, but I often have to distract myself with music or podcasts.

I was doing an intense emotional processing course last year while also exercising every morning. The day after an intense session, I starting crying as I worked out. I thought it was a good thing, that I was letting emotions out, but later that day I realised that I had aggravated a back injury. I had to change my exercise regime while recovering. I wonder if I was resisting the feeling too much?

[Pepin]

Pepin, I can't quite tell from your post if this is a positive thing or a negative thing for you. But, I'm reading this and feeling a little jealous.  I'd like to work out and cry and feel better, before I start my day.
The times my tears pop up are quiet times. Church, grocery store, watching my kids in the school play, etc. So, I've been trying to incorporate more quiet time in my day, to give myself time to process.
You've inspired me to try some morning yoga!

I think it is both positive and negative.  It is positive because I am working through something and suddenly have clarity.  It is negative because I even have to deal with it in the first pace.  I wish that I didn't always have thoughts inside my head about dealing with PDs but that is where I am in life right now.  And it is good that I get the thoughts processed and out at the beginning of the day so I can focus on other things I need to do.  I rarely go to bed with thoughts in my head and this has been very important to me to be able to just sleep.

[Pepin]

Like others here, I ruminate when I do housework. It's not positive for me - I go through arguments in my head again and again, trying to "win" it. I'm shifting my attitude away from blame, so it's getting better, but I often have to distract myself with music or podcasts.

I was doing an intense emotional processing course last year while also exercising every morning. The day after an intense session, I starting crying as I worked out. I thought it was a good thing, that I was letting emotions out, but later that day I realised that I had aggravated a back injury. I had to change my exercise regime while recovering. I wonder if I was resisting the feeling too much?

I have absolutely done this before.  Like you, I think my back is extremely sensitive to my emotions and I have to be very careful about my exercising and other movements.  Additionally I have had to shift work out routines or stop altogether to heal.  It is amazing what thoughts in our head can do to our bodies if we aren't careful. 

[1footouttadefog]

I have a certain road I drive down to process emotions and allow tears to flow.  It's a beautiful drive and a turnout back road along my path home from running errands.

I visualize that I leave a bag of "stuff" at the end of the road and dry my tears on the way out. 

[JustKeepTrying]

This is beautiful.  Such a beautiful post with people talking about ways they process their pain and tears.

I try to exercise (lots of physical problems) and listen to audiobooks.  One after another so that I don't think about it.  The same for housework, driving.  I find it's those moments of mechanics - where your body goes into repetitive motion and the brain isn't needed that I tend to overthink.  I call it going down my rabbit hole.  So I distract myself

I am learning that it's a sign of an anxiety disorder or PTSD.  That constant overthinking.

So I distract until I can sit and write it out and process. 

I love that you all have this opportunity to express your emotions.nn to all of you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow BeautifulCrazy that's some deep self-awareness there. Thank you for sharing that; it helped me recognize some similar patterns to my own feelings of grief I had.

There was a period earlier in NC where I just needed to cry and cry stormy tears. And working out was one time I did it. I would go to the Y, put my little ones in the childcare, claim the elliptical machine in the very back corner and just let it go. Everyone had headphones on and I went at a less popular time so it was amazingly private. Except for one time I had this super buff dude get on the machine next to me and he kindly asked if I was okay. I told him I was listening to Les Miserables and he said, "Say no more, that Fantine gets me every time too." But he moved when another machine opened up. Hahaha the world is full of great people.

I also had some anger and grief specifically related to the gym and working out. I experienced body armouring since early childhood, and of course didn't know why I could stretch every day and still not be able to touch my toes. You wouldn't believe the shaming I got from parents and gym teachers about that. Not help, just shame and blame in front of peers from about the age of 6! I also had a trauma-savvy barre teacher at the Y who was a tremendous blessing during that time. She helped me figure a lot of things out and learn to experience exercise and stretching as an empowering thing.

[Pepin]

I also had some anger and grief specifically related to the gym and working out. I experienced body armouring since early childhood, and of course didn't know why I could stretch every day and still not be able to touch my toes. You wouldn't believe the shaming I got from parents and gym teachers about that. Not help, just shame and blame in front of peers from about the age of 6! I also had a trauma-savvy barre teacher at the Y who was a tremendous blessing during that time. She helped me figure a lot of things out and learn to experience exercise and stretching as an empowering thing.

Wow -- you, too?  I am so sorry.  Also around the age of 5 or 6 I was shamed in ballet class for not being flexible.  I never have been either.  Of course over the years I have been shamed for being too thin or having gained weight after pregnancy -- when really, things just shifted and there was nothing I could do about it.  I have had to eat or starve myself to please people.  But, no more.  This is an area I have to work on some more.  It doesn't help that I am married to a man that eats to create an armor due to his mother and his enmeshment with her.  He unknowingly does this.  The only time he dropped all the weight and worked out was when he moved far away...DPD MIL is hands down the main reason for my tears.  Her presence in our marriage and her demands of DH are soul crushing to me - even the way that he is in denial about what she is causing.  Time to go work out...