fix-it syndrome

[Elsbeth]

what are some of the techniques to use so as to not fall into "fix-it" syndrome?

the ex-nPD is not responding to any co-parenting emails nor direct emails from one child regarding a task the -exnPD should be doing (as the ex-nPD bears the larger financial responsibility this year and then completely next year) for this task.

fix-it would be me doing the task (ie, signing legal papers of responsibility in the event the child does not submit rent monies). Like a co signer on a rental agreement.

So .. I've been aiding the child w sending emails as well (very BIFF format - hey reminder blah blah)

But what are some actual techniques to not fall into fix-it? How do you make an nPD DO SOMETHING when the nPD is in the "selective incompentance" cycle of not answering and claiming superiority (and by this I mean the ex-nPD has actually wrote back saying the signature isn't required for the broker - as if the broker doesn't know what they in order to lease something)

[athene1399]

I think a part of it is understanding you cannot control the PD. You can send reminders but you cannot make them do it. It is very frustrating. They listen when they want to and do what they want when they want to do it. And when you try to explain it, they won't listen. I feel like since we've stopped trying to explain stuff to BM, SO and I have felt less stress. Because she would argue about it. No matter how correct we were, she would argue.

But also, maybe pick and choose your battles until you are able to wean yourself off of "fix it" mode completely. But try not to make a habit of bailing out the PD. That just empowers them to keep making bad decisions IMO and then you become an enabler.

I try to worry about what I am responsible for and not what I cannot control. Work on or read up on radical acceptance. It does help. It takes practice though and a shift in thinking.  And it is still difficult to watch things play out, especially when it affects the kids. It is heartbreaking at times. But it is what it is.

[Penny Lane]

I love this question because this is something we constantly battle. How do you balance taking care of your kids vs protecting yourself from the exPD vs letting the kids learn how to handle the exPD?

The first answer is, you don't make a PD do something. You work around them, or, in rare cases, you go to court. If you find a magic spell that forces him to behave, please come back and share it with us because no one on this board has come across it yet!

When we (my husband and I) are faced with a situation like this, our general strategies are to first assess our options, assuming the ex is going to continue to behave badly. So your options are: Do nothing, co-sign, keep asking the ex to do something (probably won't accomplish anything), go to court to compel him to do what he's ordered to do. Maybe a couple others? Like send a reply all type email with the broker, the (adult?) child and him with the court order attached and say this order says it's ex's responsibility, can you hold him accountable via the order even if he won't sign. Maybe a letter from your lawyer to his? There might be other options out there.

Let go of the idea that you can definitely achieve the end result you want (fixing it - that might not be possible) and focus on what you can actually do to help the situation.

It sounds like your kid is grown or almost so they might also have some options available to them. Some are extreme like finding another living place. If it were me I might be seriously considering going NC with a parent who would defy a court order just to NOT support me. Maybe they have other options that you can brainstorm with them.

I think you should think through if you have any informal levers of power here. Sometimes the PD will be embarrassed if you let a certain person or group know about their bad behavior. For example, DH's ex will usually pay a bill if DH tells her parents that she hasn't paid it. Or, she will usually behave better if teachers or doctors are cc'ed on the email. Or if she thinks the kids will find out about how she acted (although H never ever tells them about her bad behavior, so he can't really use this). That's why I said a reply all email with the broker and a copy of the order. Is that something that would get your ex to behave? Is there anything else? Sometimes you have a lever like that, sometimes you don't.

If not I think you're back to, the next logical solutions are to go to court to force him to do it, or you cosign. I know you've been chewing on that over in the separating and divorcing forum. Either way to proceed is reasonable although neither is ideal. There's a third option, too - do nothing and let your child work it out with their dad. If the kid is, say, 25, I'd be inclined to do that. But if it's a "first time away from home" situation, I would personally not be willing to let the kids suffer such serious consequences especially if they have no real recourse otherwise. But know that is an option to you - just because your kids' dad is not providing something he should be, doesn't mean you HAVE to step up and fill in the gap.

I think that last paragraph gets to the heart of your question. When can I just let the kids deal with their dad themselves? Do I have to keep doing his share AND mine of the work?

My answer would be: Take him out of the equation, mentally. Yes it sucks that he's not providing what he's supposed to. And it's not fair to the kids. But plenty of kids have single moms or parents who are scraping by to survive. If you were a single parent, if your ex didn't exist, what would you reasonably be able to provide for the kids, financially and emotionally? Maybe it's not everything they would have if their dad was picking up his fair share of the burden. But what you can provide is good enough. If necessary they will learn to be resourceful and handle adversity.

You don't say to them "well your dad is supposed to provide this so I'm not going to." You say, "I'm sorry, I cannot do this for you. I love you and I wish I could, but that is not an expense I can take on." Maybe you add "the reason I didn't plan to pay for this is because your father and I agreed that he would handle it. I'm sorry he's not doing it and I will try to convince him to honor that agreement, but I cannot control him."

In terms of how long you have to do stuff like sending him reminder emails - I think you can stop now. That sort of thing isn't helpful anyway. It just gives him the attention that he loves. I think it's much more productive to focus your energy on what your options are outside of relying on him, and make that happen.

I know how frustrating it is to KNOW that the other parent is required to do something, and to have to watch them do it. I don't know that the sting of extreme frustration will ever totally go away. But if you can shift your mindset away from trying to control their actions and toward assessing all your options, at least you can put that frustrated energy toward productivity.

[Elsbeth]

athene1399 ... I will read up on radical acceptance!

PennyLane ... in the seperating and divorcing forum is about another issue ... not the co sign. 

I have been trying to have the adult kids deal directly with the X.  And I refrain from saying "now you know what ive had to deal with all these years" when the kids come and ask me to help (fix-it?) because the X is being non-responsive or selectively incompetant or just refusing tasks ...

I like this and will commit it to memory :

You say, "I'm sorry, I cannot do this for you. I love you and I wish I could, but that is not an expense I can take on." Maybe you add "the reason I didn't plan to pay for this is because your father and I agreed that he would handle it. I'm sorry he's not doing it and I will try to convince him to honor that agreement, but I cannot control him."

I guess the other thought is this .. I am not engaging in fix-it if I ultimately sign the forms as the court orders protect me financially through enforcement orders. However, the right thing is for the X to be the signor of leases and such. But I am very much aware that I cannot "force" the X to do anything.