Happy Days, and Then A Trigger

[Kat54]

I Just closed on a new home and have been the happiest in a long time. Its been a slow process of finding the new me. And then, not that its a set back at all actually but the anger and bad thoughts came rushing back last night in this flurry.

We had some bad storms yesterday and a bunch of homes in the area lost power which also included my sister and also my stbxNPDh who lives right behind me at the moment. I'm still in my other sisters summer cottage but moving next week. The sister behind me has a generator as well as my ex. We got the generator after a bad hurricane one year that left us without power for a month.

Later in the night my daughter calls and asks if she can come take a shower and watch a movie as I had power. So I asked her why her father wasn't running the generator and she says because he lent it to someone in town that needed it.  Later I found out it was for their sump pump, the houses basement floods and the power had gone out.  I'm thinking well my kids have no power, the food in the fridge will go bad as the town said power might not be restored for a few days, and he gives away the generator to someone who's basement floods. The kids are always welcome to be at the house with me which I'm glad my daughter came over. But, Later I learn the people who borrowed it, its for a rental house they own as well as 4 other houses in the town; probably one of the wealthiest families in town. They could of bought 5 generators. But, because he has to be seen as the nice guy, he gives theirs away and his family will do without. 

I was so angry and incensed because it brought back this flood of memories of him always putting others first, people we barely knew. Having his own business he would at times not allow people to pay him for his services, yet we had to keep buying pasta because we couldn't afford to buy the right food for us. We had no money, yet he called it good business sense.  To this day he barely has a business.  I always felt like he would throw his family under the bus for him to feel good about himself. Same thing last night with the generator, plus he and my son were out hooking up and starting peoples generators last night. My sister says, wow he's probably making a killing on all that work. I told her, nope, he'll not take a penny from anyone. Which for somethings I totally would agree, if it were a family in crisis or a hardship. We live in a town full of very wealthy people. It was always baffling to me why he couldn't put his family first for once, and then in the end when I left he couldn't even fight to keep me or put me first on his list of priorities to be a part of fixing our marriage.

So yeah, got a little triggered and fell back into my anger and sadness, but new day, and the power just came back on.  Thanks for letting me rant.

[notrightinthehead]

You have a lot to be angry about. It's bitter to live under such circumstances. Bravo to you that now you have a choice and an alternative way to live.

[Bunnyme]

I'm so happy for you that you are finding your own happiness.  I can relate.  My unbpdh always has to look like the good guy to others, no matter what it costs us.  Now that we are separated, I have to try to ignore these bonehead moves as much as I can.  Of course, i put my foot down when it comes to the wellbeing of the kids.

[FreeSophia]

That is super frustrating. Even more frustrating when they consistently look like the "good guy" and you protesting makes you look bad because after all, "he's just trying to help!" my pdH called me all upset that some woman showed up at the hotel he was at in the middle of the night with her daughter crying because she had to get away from her husband. My husband was outside smoking when she arrived and so that's how he saw her and spoke with her. He had called me because he wanted me to bring her shoes. And he had given her $200. The reason my pdH was at the hotel was because we separated due to his abuse towards me. I wanted to scream at him, "Why do you care so much about HER, when I had to go to a motel crying in the middle of the night countless times?" But all he says to me is, "You didn't have to leave." It's truly exasperating, frustrating, down right infuriating.....

[pushit]

Yep, it's all public image.  I think that's what makes this so hard, others see the eternal "nice guy/gal" and we are stuck at home with them under entirely different conditions.  So many examples I can think of from while I "did my time" but here is just one:

During the downfall of our marriage, my exPDw emailed me one night and asked "can you go to the library and pick up xyz books?"  I almost responded yes, because I figured it was something our daughters needed for school.  Then, I noticed she had just forwarded me a thread of emails from the other moms at the school.  They were all discussing that they couldn't find the books anywhere and exPDw jumped in to volunteer that she would pick up the books for everyone.  The responses were amazing "oh, you're so sweet", "thank you so much, I owe you!", etc.  While married, my exPDw was constantly bickering to me that she was too busy for anything, and I picked up the slack everywhere.  Groceries, cooking, transporting the kids, yard work, house work, full time job, all so she could have her career and be in the spotlight.  When I read that email thread I thought "no way, I'm not doing the work while you get the accolades" and I told her I'm sorry but I don't have time.  I'm sure it infuriated her, but at that point it was no big deal, just one more nail in the coffin of our marriage.  Honestly, if she would have given me credit for things like that I would have done it, but I knew she never would.  It was always about her.  If I would have picked up the books she would be the hero, and no one would have known that I did it while she was at work once again, while I was taking care of the kids.  In fact, I was likely known to those moms as the no-good, do-nothing husband.  What an ironic difference between who I was and what I was labeled as.  Sorry, my own little rant there.   

One thing I would say is look at the positive in the situation.  You got to spend time with your daughter, and your son probably learned something from being forced to run around and fix things for other people.  He may have been questioning why they are doing that in his own head, you never know.  And this is another example to your daughter that Mom is stable, she had power and a shower available when I needed it.  Mom didn't give her generator away without any thought about whether or not her daughter wanted to take a shower tonight.

[Jsinjin]

Im so sorry about this.   I have similar things with my stbxuocpdw.   It's a weird way they love to "give" and be seen as saviors for people in the local community.   I recall having a brand new truck and at the same time a person she knew online in town was trying to get rid of a pile of dirt.   She basically volunteered me and our son to pick up the dirt pile ostensibly to start a garden.   It's still a dirt pile.   I know the real reason is that when this person asked if she needed the dirt because she just wanted it gone my spouse wanted to swoop in and help them haul it away.   

She is on the local board for the city housing authority and that organization manages a ton of section 8 state supported housing, and they're always short.   We own a cottage that I've been renovating for me to live in because I have to get away but her deepest desire is to offer that home up to the organization so that she can be seen as helping everyone.   

I don't know if your spouse does this but mine saves everything Ina hoarding way and I've learned it's so she can monitor online local next door forums and spot people in need and run to the rescue.   We have two teens and one 20 year old as kids and we still have four car seats and two infant seats in the garage in piles because she is "waiting for someone who needs them".   

It's a weird trait they have to ignore their family and kids for the good of the commmunity.   Sometimes I wonder if the founding fathers or brilliant philosophers with cities and buildings named after them were in a way PD's.

So sorry you have to go through this.

Jsj

[Kat54]

Jsinjin, so funny you mention the hoarding. Yes, my ex is on the hoarding side for sure, he saves everything. I used to joke about when I threw something out on the sly and he wouldn't know, weeks later I would see the item again in the house. He would check the garbage or recycling to make sure I didn't throw anything out that might be needed.