Mom hung up on me and is now demanding I call her

[Sneezy]

I am not in a good place right now.  I have a nasty spring cold and just want to sleep.  It will go away, but in the meantime, mom is on a tear.  She called to tell me that she is out of potato chips.  And she neeeeeds some potato chips.  If she doesn't get potato chips, then whatever will she have for a snack before bedtime?  Also, she saw a mouse and she is convinced there is a nest behind her stove (which is way too heavy for her to move or look behind, so how would she know).  And the final complaint in her unholy trinity of woe is that she lost her handicapped placard.  She has two of them.  One is always in my car because I take her to appointments, etc.  The other one is in her apartment so she can use it when she travels or goes out with friends.  She lost hers and she wants me to drive over right away and give her the one from my car because otherwise she is trapped.  I told her I was sick and couldn't come over.  I also told her she can't have the one from my car, because we need it for appointments and I can't afford for her to lose this one.  She want ballistic and finally hung up on me.

Now the calls are coming in fast and furious, full of tears and anger.  One message is simply mom sobbing and crying out "Help meeeee."  Mom is insisting that I call her right away because we must work this out.  She left another message wailing that I have made her into a prisoner.  And I'm too dang tired.  I just can't any more.  I am so tempted to call her because every bone in my body wants to JADE.  But I know better.  Next week, I have to take her to a dentist appointment because she is going to be sedated.  I'm already on all the paperwork with the dentist's office.  I've asked DH to go with me, which I hate to do, but mom will behave better if someone else is around. 

What more can I do?  I want her out of my life, but I don't have the strength to go NC.  I'm starting to really despise my own mother and that isn't fair to her or to me.  But I don't know what to do.

[moglow]

Does she text? "Mother. I told you I'm sick. I'm not up for any of this useless nonsense, even less so when you hang up on me. Please just leave me be and call someone else for your potato chips. I'll talk to you when I'm feeling better." If she doesn't text, call her and read that off to her. If she interrupts, listen to what you will then start over. If she hangs up on you again, put the phone on silent or turn it off until some other day. Guaranfuckingtee if you let her run down on this one and don't jump to "fix" it all for her, it won't be an issue when you do talk to her a few days from now.

NONE of that is yours to fix. You need to take care of yourself. If you were here I'd take your phone away myself, until you were feeling better.

[PunkCroc]

Two words:

"Door Dash."

[Srcyu]

For now, while you are ill, what you need to do is put that phone away.
Ask your DH to take charge of it. He doesn't need to bother answering it or even look at it.
For now - remove it.

When you feel better, you can both look at it together.

You absolutely need "me" time.

[monamurre]

Turn off your phone.

It seems like an appropriate boundary to take a break from communicating with someone if they are hanging up and then barraging you with upset or nasty messages. Hold that line.

She will be fine. None of the things she is complaining about are emergencies. Nor are they your responsibility (even if you weren't sick they would still not be your responsibility to fix).

On another note.....potato chip emergency?!? Where is the emoji for hysterical laughter? I would almost think you were joking (if I hadn't experienced similarly inexplicable trumped up drama from my mom)

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh lordy. If it were me, I'd tell her to piss up a rope, and then I'd turn off my phone. 

The basics still apply here: you can't take care of anyone until you take care of you, and that goes double when you're sick.

[FromTheSwamp]

Ah, geez, and not having her handicapped placard means she's TRAPPED!  Because obviously the (probably imaginary) person who would otherwise take her somewhere couldn't possibly drop her off at the door.

[Sneezy]

If you were here I'd take your phone away myself, until you were feeling better.

And I would greatly appreciate you for doing so    There are times I really hate cell phones and the idea that we all have to be constantly available to everyone.  I'm not doing that right now.

[Sneezy]

Ah, geez, and not having her handicapped placard means she's TRAPPED!  Because obviously the (probably imaginary) person who would otherwise take her somewhere couldn't possibly drop her off at the door.

Ah, mom and I have had this talk so many times.  She really doesn't need a parking placard because the only time she goes out is when I take her.  I think there are a couple things going on here.  There are not that many people in her senior living facility who drive, but there are a few.  Based on some things mom has said lately, I'm guessing that some of these drivers are getting tired of my mom constantly whining for them to take her out and give her rides.  Mom even told me that someone mentioned how residents should not be "chauffeurs" for other residents.  This makes me think that at least one person has pushed back on mom's constant requests for a ride.

The other thing that is going on, and this is more worrying, is that the lost parking placard is just another symptom of mom's inability to live independently (she is currently in independent senior living, which is a step down from assisted living).  Mom's apartment is a mess.  She has piles of papers and clothes all over.  She has old, expired food everywhere.  It is no wonder she keeps losing things and it wouldn't surprise me if she does have mice due to all the clutter.  But she refuses to get rid of anything and just keeps crying because she has nothing to wear and nothing to eat (note - her senior living facility provides three meals a day), and why am I such a mean daughter who won't take her out shopping.  Sooner or later, we are going to have to get mom into a higher level of care, but for the moment there's not much I can do about this problem.

[lkdrymom]

First, turn your phone off until you feel better.
Second, when you feel better meet with your mother and read her the riot act.  There is no such thing as a Potato Chip Emergency!  If she ever tries and pulls that again you will walk away.
She is behaving like a spoiled child so treat her as one.  Put her in a time out.  Wait at least three days before you call her back.

[moglow]

Sneeze, i'm hard headed and refuse to be available 24/7 to anyone. Maybe mama needs to take her meds or a nap and just breathe through it. I'd venture a guess syes just bored.

No one is obligated to be our personal entertainment. I understand that some -our mothers- have little to no inner resources, but still. We all had to figure it out, so their failure to plan or adapt isn't automatically ours to carry. If I'm really to be the butthead I feel at times on this subject, WE got damned little by way of compassion and we learned it all on our own. Sorry not sorry.

Take good care - understand that stress can and will limit and extend your recovery. By this point i doubt you have much of anything left to deal with her shenanigans.



And PLEASE - timeout for all purveyors of potato chip emergencies! If she honestly needs this much all the time, a rethink of her living situation may be needed.

[wisingup]

There is no such thing as a Potato Chip Emergency!

Lol - there is now! 

I'm going to steal that phrase for all the situations my mom cooks up that require us to come running, then find out there was no emergency - she just needed some drama & attention.

[Fiasco]

Ah Sneezy, here we are again having a matched pair of the same mom. Mine called me last night (I have her calls set to go directly to VM, I don't even know she's calling) and left me a crying, sobbing message which contained no actual information just that she NEEEEEDS to talk to me. I have played this game (and lost) before so I delete the message and do a little investigating. I check her e-mail for any of the phishing/scam things she likes to fall for, nothing upsetting there. This morning I see she's already read today's emails, so whatever the emergency was it didn't interrupt her ability to waste time online.   I expect that when I get around to calling her today or tomorrow she'll have no recollection of the hysterics.

I do hope you're feeling better now and that if you bought any chips you went home and ate them. I highly recommend setting your phone to go straight to voicemail when she calls. You're not 911, if there's a real emergency she can call them.

[PunkCroc]

I'm another proponent of the Turn Off The Phone club. I recently told my mother some boundaries I have and she started blowing up my phone hours later at 4:30 am. I turned off the notifications and tried to get back to sleep. Her alerts are still muted.

[Sneezy]

If she honestly needs this much all the time, a rethink of her living situation may be needed.

And you have hit the nail on the head!  Something is not right and I think it's time to rethink mom's situation.  Her behavior this week has been classic mom - lies, manipulation, drama, catastrophizing.  But there's something else going on.  Mom insists she sees mice in her apartment.  And she's not backing down.  She absolutely insists that she has physically witnessed 7 or 8 mice scurrying across her livingroom and coming out of the vents in the door to the furnace area.  I called the manager of her ISL and he says that he has put out traps and bait, and he has pulled out furniture and looked everywhere.  There are no signs of mice, nests, droppings, chewings, or any evidence whatsoever that mom has mice.  And this isn't the first time mom has claimed to have seen mice.  Last fall, she insisted that mice were fighting in her ceiling and that she could see the outlines of the dead mouse bodies through the plastic that was covering a maintenance hole in her bathroom ceiling.  I went over and looked and there were no mouse bodies to be seen. 

This is 90% covert NPD, but I am getting concerned about the 10% that may be hallucinations and/or dementia.  Seeing animals in your apartment that don't exist is a pretty classic sign.  And so I have asked mom to let me come to her doctor appointment this week, so we can get a referral to a geriatric specialist.  For the moment, mom has agreed.  And I'm pretty sure I'm getting played yet again.  Mom is getting me to pay attention to her and drive her around to specialists and she will get a lot of drama about it all.  I hate to reward her bad behavior with drama and attention.  But I don't know what else to do.  She's seeing things, or at least claiming to see things, that do not exist.

Well, once again I have taken my own post way off topic    I'm feeling much better today and hoping that there are no further potato chip emergencies in my immediate future 

[Sneezy]

I check her e-mail for any of the phishing/scam things she likes to fall for, nothing upsetting there. This morning I see she's already read today's emails, so whatever the emergency was it didn't interrupt her ability to waste time online.   I expect that when I get around to calling her today or tomorrow she'll have no recollection of the hysterics.

Ok, either our moms are twins or we are - I check my mom's email, too.  It's a good "heads up" to whatever drama may be currently stuck in her craw 

[lkdrymom]

There is no such thing as a Potato Chip Emergency!

Lol - there is now! 

I'm going to steal that phrase for all the situations my mom cooks up that require us to come running, then find out there was no emergency - she just needed some drama & attention.

In all honesty I could see my father having one of these Potato Chip emergencies.

[1footouttadefog]

We had a chip emergency day before last.  Took him to the store to select some chips and other snacks just yesterday. 

I wonder if she gave someone the placard in exchange for taking her along?

[Rockyride]

I read your post, and was thinking she would behave better if someone were around. Then those were the words you wrote. What does that tell you? She knows how to behave, she is choosing NOT to behave with you. Why? Because it works. The other feeling I had reading it is that she is acting the role of the child, you of the parent. You are going to have to stand fast and say no. If she is treating you as the parent, be like one and set boundaries. Only be available certain times. It also sounds as though she needs someone else in a caregiver role, perhaps someone dropping in. It is not only hurting you but exhausting you. You know inside how a Mother should be behaving, and your emotions are interpreting this as abuse. Minimise contact, and get some back up with this from others in the form of physical presence. It sounds as though you have already given WAY beyond your limits. How long has she been this way?

[Hilltop]

Send her a text that says "Mum I am sick and need to rest.  If you need chips get them delivered or order a Uber to take you. I will see you next Wed for the dentist appointment".

Then turn off your phone.  I'm so sorry that sounds so draining when you are sick and need to rest.  Hope you are feeling better.