"Hinting" - did/does your PD parent do this?

[DustyMemories]

"Hinting".

It's what I call the crazy-making behaviour where my mother wouldn't come right out and ask you to do something for her, but you were expected to pick up on the unspoken request and do it anyway. She would get upset in a passive-aggressive way if you missed the hint (or if you played stupid, as I began to do in later years when I recognised the pattern).

It's hard for me to even think of examples because the behaviour was itself almost a type of gaslighting. It's like she wanted plausible deniability in case she was ever called out on it. I didn't pick up on it for years and I still think I might be entirely imagining it.

Did/does anyone else's PD parent do this?

[Danden]

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about.  She never says things outright but somehow expects you to understand it and do it.  And I did!  Because I was sensitive and perceptive and I thought this is just how people communicate.  And there was often some insinuation that if I didn't do it I was a bad person somehow, not understanding enough or sympathetic enough.  And sometimes it's like she starts from a position of knowing exactly how things should be, which of course is simply what she wants things to be.  And if I am not understanding the same thing and agreeing with her, I am stupid somehow.  And you're right, it's hard to explain it to someone else.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh yes. Mother complained for years after moving that she missed her garbage disposal. So finally DH and BIL went to Home Depot and installed one for them one Christmas. Next the dishwasher broke, and both of the Nparents spoke in the same way about the dishwasher in EXACTLY the same manner as mom had spoke about the garbage disposal. It was obvious they hoped we would replace it for them.

[Cecilia13]

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about.  The comment was usually accompanied by a lot of sighing.  For example, " {sigh} I guess I need to unload the dishwasher. {sigh}" And if no one took the hint and stopped what they were doing and immediately unloaded the dishwasher, she would fly into a rage. 

[looloo]

YES, all of this!!!  As I got older, I began to semi-jokingly refer to it as "mom code".  But it became less and less amusing the older I got  .

Even now, at 88+ with dementia, she still does this.  The other day she told her caregiver she'd "think about" maybe doing a particular task.  I told the caregiver, "So that's a NO!"

[deletedtrust]

You are definitely not imagining it! It's taken me years to realize that the reason I know what people want before they tell me is because I was trained to do so by my NM. My husband gets freaked out sometimes that I practically read his mind and tell him where something is or get what he needs before he says a word about it. It's mind reading via subtle clues and body language.

I have gone the way of playing stupid when my NM ramps that crap up now. "My leg is just hurting so much today. It'll take me a few minutes to carry these things, but I'll get there..." Sad voice and heavy sigh. "That's okay, mom. Take your time." Back in the day, I would have jumped up at the idea of my poor mother in pain but really it's just a way to get me to deal with what she doesn't want to deal with.

She was living with my Aunt and Aunt told her to quit panhandling since people would see her and then see that she lived there when they came to get their dogs groomed at the house and it would look bad. NM cried to me about how "I told her I didn't have money for my medicine!" "Well, mom, did you ask her for a few dollars for your prescription?" "Well, no but I TOLD her I needed medicine and didn't have any money!" Ah, so everyone should offer everything when you hint to them that you're in need. Ridiculous, passive aggressive crap.

[biggerfish]

My uPDm did all of these things. Always in a waify, helpless tone of voice. I was such a sucker even a decade ago, when she used hints to guilt me into throwing her and my dad a birthday party. I finally figured out i don't want to be the good daughter any more. I stopped listening to her.

[Dinah-sore]

My mom will do the fake cough thing, the "hahmm" sound, and look at me like I should just know what she needs and get it for her. What is so weird is that she doesn't even have to say what she wants I just know. When we used to go to a Bible class together she would sit down in her spot like a queen on her throne and look at me, expecting me to jump for her and go prepare her coffee just the way she likes it and bring it to her. She never asked, she just looked at me and coughed. And like the dutiful daughter, I would hop to it with a smile.

There are so many things that she expected me to do for her, and if someone interrupted me to say hi or give me a hug, I would get scared that BPDm would get mad that I was distracted, and not serving her fast enough. Nuts.

[Sophie48]

It's not your imagination. Reading between the lines was expected in my family, and a significant form of "communication" between my mother and I until I went NC. One example; When she and my dad had people over, she'd often retreat to somewhere in the house, wait for guests to seek her out and greet her, get upset if they didn't, and then complain that no one cared about her. I would try to smooth things over and reassure her. It's a lot of work and pain. I was constantly trying to figure out what she needed so that I wouldn't accidentally "hurt" her. The oddly indirect way of my FOO's communication was one of the first things the therapist picked up on, and asked me about.

Unfortunately, I, myself regularly communicated this way, too, having learned it so well. For me, it was a way of asking for something without actually asking and possibly being an inconvenience. Admittedly, getting in the habit of being straight-forward and coming right out asking for help and what I need & want has been a process. Once in a while, I still catch myself doing it.  When DH notices it, he reassures me, "It's okay to ask for what you want, and it makes it easier for me to help you."

[biggerfish]

Unfortunately, I, myself regularly communicated this way, too, having learned it so well. For me, it was a way of asking for something without actually asking and possibly being an inconvenience. Admittedly, getting in the habit of being straight-forward and coming right out asking for help and what I need & want has been a process. Once in a while, I still catch myself doing it.  When DH notices it, he reassures me, "It's okay to ask for what you want, and it makes it easier for me to help you."

Me too. Doesn't it feel good to take responsibility for changing oneself?   Good for you!    And good for me!

[WomanInterrupted]

UnBPD Didi was big on hinting, either verbally or with pointed looks in my direction, like I should just be able to read her mind and know what she wanted. 

Verbally, it was "somebody" should be doing something, but "nobody" was - and both were me.

What I did was file it under "more passive-aggressive BS" and take it at face value.  I got as dumb as a box of rocks to her looks (if you don't SAY it, I'm not going to jump up and guess), and refer her to the proper "somebody" - doctor, pharmacist, Meals on Wheels, Merry Maids, Senior Van or a taxi, etc.   

She'd always retort that she didn't want to *BOTHER* them, and *nobody*  was doing anything. (Hint, hint!)   

So I'd say, "Well, if you don't call the right people, nobody will.  I don't know what else to tell you, but I'm sure you'll figure out something."   

That was good for getting the phone slammed down in my ear, on a regular basis, but I didn't care, at that point.  To me, that meant the call was actually a *success.*   

In person, the looks or arched eyebrows, glares, stares, and widened eyes with a slight head bob that meant, "You KNOW what I want!  DO IT or GET IT NOW!" - it was a little harder to go against my programming, but I did, and the end result was her stomping around in public and starting to have a temper tantrum because I was *malfunctioning.*   

I'd ignore it and the whole performance that came with - shaking with rage, grabbing her wattle, clenching her teeth, dabbing her eyes (even though there were no tears), gulping, sighing, fanning her face, hugging herself and rocking - I'd ignore it all and just chat about the weather, or *gaaaaasp* go back to what I was reading. 

I figured her behavior didn't reflect badly on *me - I hadn't done anything.  I hadn't said anything.  *She* was the one behaving like an overgrown toddler, and *that reflected on HER.*

One time, she decided to behave like that at the chiropractor's.  She'd known him a long time, and he shot me a look behind her back that read, "What's up with that?"

I just rolled my eyes and waved it off and pretended it wasn't happening, so he took my cue and that *really* pissed her off - but I wouldn't acknowledge it was happening.  I even turned the radio up, in the car, on the way home, and started singing along with Dave Grohl.   

Another time, we were in a restaurant and Didi shot me the, "Send this back FOR me!" look - and again, I ignored it, which got her "sobbing" and shaking and fanning her face.   

The waitress came over, at least five times, asking if anything was wrong, and Didi would smile and say, "No, everything is fine..." - but then act like the weight of the world was on her shoulders, the minute the waitress walked away!   

She picked at her food and "sobbed."  She shook as she tried to eat a mouthful of toast.  She sighed repeatedly while trying to eat bacon that wasn't burnt black (that's what this was all about - her bacon wasn't crispy enough; like THAT is such a hard thing for her to say!), then gave up, threw her napkin on her plate  and shambled from the table like she could barely walk!   

People were staring at us - some at her, like, "Oh, that poor woman!  What did that mean daughter DO to her!?"

But others were nodding in sympathy at *me* - probably having been privy to the same rubbish, at least once.

BTW - that was the LAST time I went to a restaurant with her.  And several months later, I stopped taking her to the chiropractor.  A few months after that, I stopped visiting, altogether.

That's when she began relying on verbal hints and slamming the phone down - which meant I called even LESS.   

I decided I didn't have time for this kind of crap in my life, and she wasn't going to stop. To her, it was like some sick "game" she had to win, so I stopped playing. 

[DustyMemories]

Thanks for everyone's replies. It's a relief to know I'm not alone and that I'm not imagining it. At the same time I'm sorry we all had to deal with it at all. (A common sentiment on this forum.)

Like some of you, I realised I do this sometimes too. I have learned to catch myself when I'm on the edge of going that way because it's not the right way to treat people. Like Sophie48, I also did this because I was afraid of being burden, so learning to state what I need and want directly is part of the process of learning that I have a right to exist. (Thanks for that flea, too, Mother.)

WomanInterrupted, I started doing like you, either playing dumb and deliberately missing the point or pointing Mother to people who could help her. I have no idea if it would have worked as a long-term strategy - probably not, based on your experience - because I lost patience with her rubbish and went NC. Life is much better now.

And oh boy, Danden and deletedtrust, your comments on the theme of being oversensitive to other people's needs hit me hard. My mother must have trained me well to recognise the signs that she needed something because I have struggled to turn this sense off. AND not only do I sense other people's needs, I feel responsible for meeting them. At the same time I have felt that my needs and wants are less important. This is all fading away with time, distance and awareness, but has messed me up for years.

[all4peace]

When faced with this type of communication from ANYone, I find it helpful to be really dense and not pick up on their passive-aggressive cues. It forces them to either get clear in their communication, or not get what they want. I myself used to communicate this way with Dh. Not very helpful at all.

[StayWithMe]

My mother likes to communicate advice in the form of questions.

So one time I was telling her I needed to gather up all my correspondence of abut 5 years with my oncologist so that I could look for another oncologist in the new place where I was living.

She asks me if I thought it MIGHT be a good idea to "photocopy" each and every letter and document so I could have a copy for the prospective oncologist and one for myself.

Wow, thanks Mom, for the EXCELLENT adivce........... if we were still stuck in the 1970s!  She thinks she's too good to learn new things, you know.

So I said, no, I'm going to SCAN the letters, save them to my HARD DRIVE, DOWNLOAD them to a KEY STORAGE and send that to the prospective oncologist.

I'm sure she came away from the phone call thinking, that stupid daughter of mine, now she's really talking crazy stuff........

[Sojourner17]

Yes, my mom has done this as well as asking for what she wants in the form of a statement or telling me information expecting me to do something about it or ask about it or check in with her later and then getting mad if I don't do it when she thinks I should.

I too find that I sometimes communicate in this way. Sometimes because I don't feel like what I want or need matters. Sometimes in a "I've got a captive audience in the moment so I better spill it all out now because I might not have it later". Neither are good ways of communicating.

[AnneH]

One evening, when en F went to a sporting match with GC bro, uNM told me she was sending him a telepathic message to buy ice cream and bring it home after the game (no cell phones back then and uNM was anti-technology to begin with). When they came home (sans ice cream), uNM asked en F if he had received her "message." He said yes, undoubtedly to humor her, and she told him off in front of the whole "family" for not acting on her "message" to buy ice cream.

[phoenix245]

Mine would give me a list of chores, but always expect more done. What else should I do? Apparently, I should "just know." The "more" she wanted was never even hinted at. I was literally expected to read her mind. Even when I went beyond the list, it was still never enough and I should have done more.

[StayWithMe]

Mine would give me a list of chores, but always expect more done. What else should I do? Apparently, I should "just know." The "more" she wanted was never even hinted at. I was literally expected to read her mind. Even when I went beyond the list, it was still never enough and I should have done more.

This is sad.  Do you get anxious around people today that maybe there's soemthing you should be doing?

[doormat_nomore]

This is basically the only way my mother communicates. It's exhausting .  My parents are terrible with money and have very little retirement savings and a lot of debt. My husband and I have worked our butts off and lived below our means for years in order to having savings and property. The last few years the hinting primarily about money and things she wants me to pay for. "Oh wouldn't it be lovely to go see the Nutcracker Ballet this year", "Should we get lunch?", or the latest one "I would really love to fly and see your grandmother before she dies, if only i had the money".

[RavenLady]

An approach I've sometimes employed is to assume the very best about such people, that they have a sort of emotional indigestion, like a verbal tic or a flatulence issue, and I do my best to ignore their behavior entirely, and forgive them for any attendant faux pas. Alternatively, I treat them like I do the very very frail and slightly demented, and tantrumming children: with kindness, and maybe even a touch of tenderness, and in full reverence for all their human rights and dignity, but also an acceptance of the fact they are way out of line among self-respecting adults. In other words, I am simply unable to take them all that seriously, and occasionally let my struggle with the temptation to condescend show. They are acting beneath their own dignity. They need help, which is no wrong, but what is wrong is their selfish choices, repeatedly, not to get it. That's what pulls me toward contempt, which I know is wrong. I'm just saying. It's like they are peeing on themselves and not cleaning it up.