Who am I?

[Indivisible]

Who am I?

About two years ago, I somehow stumbled upon a YouTube video about narcissism. I've been exploring this topic and my own narcissistic abuse ever since. I think that both of my parents were uNPD (they have passed). My father never really showed too much interest in me. Looking back I feel that I now can see him for who he really was, so, I feel a tremendous sense of clarity of seeing this person for what he really was.  See, my brother and I were raised and taught by my father that he was was super dad. He walked out on our family when my brother and I were very young. We didn't dare cause any waves or problems for fear of losing him completely. My father married his new narcissistic supply and had two more children. My brother and I were only tentatively welcomed in his new family.  We didn't want to be the cause of any problems or any controversy so we never questioned anything.  Not having a father, I feel like I was have been groomed since I was born by my narcissistic mother.  I was set up to be her extension, to be her perfect child, not to be my own person. Her disease was so pervasive that her compulsion to control me lasted for her entire life. So, when we are brainwashed from birth and controlled from birth and gaslighted from birth, how do we know who we really are?  Cognitively, I understand that my parents operated from a position of lies. The things they told me about myself, the smear campaigns they set up about me, we're not true. But if we never have that mirror from parenting that tells us who we are or tells us that we're OK, where do we get this from? One thing that I have started doing which is really helpful is that I have created in my mind and my spirit a new set of parents who are kind and compassionate and patient, and they're interested in my welfare.  What else can we do to erase and put to rest all these lies and this negativity and we have believed for so many years?

[artfox]

Seeing your parents for who they were, and creating your imaginary set of ideal parents is a good way to start. I also did a lot of journaling, and I had to look at stuff about myself that I originally labeled as "bad" in a new light: it wasn't bad; it was different from what I was expected to be.

Who you are is partly shaped by experience, but it's also innate. Maybe start with little things, easy stuff: a difference in taste, or a different way of looking at something. From there, you might be able to see more ways that you're your own person, not shaped or molded, but just you.

It's a bit of a shake-up to see your family from this new perspective, and you're getting a new perspective on yourself as well. Give yourself time, and take care of yourself along the way.

[Malini]

Hi Indivisible,

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

I can relate to your story. I'm 5 years along and once I had decided to go NC with my parents, within about a year I had lost all my extended family. Like you, my NM considered me an extension of herself and neither parents ever considered that I might be my own person with needs, dreams, problems, fears - a life of her own. Tellingly, NM would gift me photo collages or albums where there were never any photos of my DH or my children as if, in their eyes I was solely there for them and was not a spouse, mother or friend to others. My profession and hobbies were of no interest to them, unless they could use them to shine by proxy.

I realised I was an object, a tool for them, existing solely  to feed their narcissism and make them feel good about themselves. Lately, I've been pondering the loss of the extended family, with whom I had really strong ties and who discarded me so easily and I realised that I didn't exist for them either. I lived in this family system like a hologram where everyone looked through me but nobody SAW me, I was invisible.

So I made a list! A list of my likes and dislikes, a list of my qualities and shortcomings. I took time to really think about these and sift the likes and dislikes through a mental sieve and separate the things I thought I liked because of my Narents expectations, from that which I truly loved. Setting boundaries freed to me up to think about what sort of a daughter, spouse, mom, friend I wanted to be.

I found working with a therapist for a while really instrumental  in helping me define and discover the person I was and the person I wanted to be. At times I parented myself and used positive self talk to keep me going through the smear campaigns and stalking.

Coming Out of the FOG isn't easy, it's a journey lined with pain, loss, sadness but also a journey of self discovery and the promise of a happier, more authentic life. I am still learning new things about myself. Like you, I'm a work in progress and that is ok.

You may also find looking at the Out of the FOG toolbox helpful. You are not alone in this, I found this community incredibly helpful and validating as I began to put myself together again and I'm glad you found us.

Take care.

[daughter]

Becoming Out of the FOG, disengaging from pd-disordered malevolent parents, engaging in self-education regarding pd-disordered FOO dysfunctional dynamics and those substantial impacts upon our own personalities and life-choices, these are all parts of the process.  It's also important to delve into who you really are, what are your values, your attributes, your fears and strengths, to understand yourself, disengaged from the dysfunctional expectations and demands, the falsehoods and false narratives of our pd-disordered FOO Families, and REBUILD OUR LIVES.

[Dukkha]

I love this post and the replies so much!  I am going through this also and it is so important and validating.

I found it useful to listen to my heart, investigate what my personal values are, picture myself as a child and re-parent myself with compassion, and question my assumptions about myself and how I felt I needed to behave.  I found that I created a persona based on what my parents thought mattered.  Once I stripped the lies away, I found a person who was quite different underneath who was always there if I looked closely enough between the armor.  I am much happier and authentic now and work on this process every day.  It is hard to push back on the brainwashing, but worth it.

[Indivisible]

Thank you so much everyone for all the replies and wonderful suggestions.  I think the biggest thing is to know I'm not alone.  It's really amazing (and shocking) to read about so many peoples' lives that are so similar to my own; that my understanding of my experience is not false (I still doubt myself sometimes and still hear the voice that says I'm too "sensitive").  It sort of exciting to go through this journey of finding out who I really am and what I really like (and that I'm not bad or evil for dropping things or for leaving the water running too long), and it's sort of scary, too, 'cause I'm like this scared little girl who has always been trying to figure things out on her own.  I love that there are other people who are working their way Out of the FOG, too.  Thank you everyone from my heart.

[orb]

coming Out of the FOG (going on 3 years for me) was THE most terrifying, rage-inducing depressing, painful, lonely, and horrible experience of my life.
however, living in the fog was even worse.....the suffering was just spread out over decades.

it was also the most liberating thing i have ever done.
i am finally free to explore just who i really am.