What They Were Like When I Was Growing Up

[HindSightIs2020]

My memory of my time growing up is relatively clear, and I don't feel like my past has been "blocked out" as some people describe.  Not remembering has never really been an issue for me. In general, while of course I don't remember everything that happened when I was a young kid, as no one does, it doesn't seem like there are any unusual gaps in my memory or signs that I blocked things out, so I think I can give a pretty good sense of what it was like for me growing up.

Growing up, they really made me feel like me being their kid meant absolutely NOTHING to them when it came to how they'd relate to me as an adult. I was always told that if they decide that they "don't like me" as an adult, that they would simply refuse to speak to me at all and abandon me physically and emotionally.

I never doubted that even for a tiny fraction of a second. That was my conditioning. Do anything that goes against their "values" and/or become the type of person that they're likely to judge and look down on, you're an outcast forever. And there are lots of ways to become an outcast, because they have an overall judgmental personality.

And if you're an outcast, it's because what you did is fundamentally wrong and a bad decision, because they're right. And if you do something that don't agree with or are "uncomfortable" with, it is definitely wrong and will send your life "down the toilet".

They seemed to have a real throw away mentality in this regard, but I thought that's just how parents were. Just thought that was normal. A couple of times, during arguments, when I was a kid, they even told me, "You need us, but we don't need you".

There were lots of incidents of rage and hostility that definitely crossed the line into being very, very much NOT okay over the years.  I saw this especially as I grew older, where they would get angry...… and it was like a different person, like they saw me as an enemy rather than their kid.  Then, somehow things would come to a "resolve" of some kind, and they'd seem completely normal again.

And there was definitely an overall atmosphere of being a "project" of theirs, of my mother specifically. In fact, my brother even joked with me and her saying that I was "her little project".  Writing this now, it certainly sounds like it must've been a really cold sort of atmosphere. Yet that isn't really how I remember it at all. I remember that she seemed very attached to me. Very warm a lot of the time. She would read to me in the evenings, seem very warm.

She would hug me, call me her sweetheart, and in general just seemed like what you would expect from a mother honestly. And then some. Yes, she was over-involved. But her over-involved was doing things that legitimately were helping me with something goal-directed. Not just picking me apart or anything, didn't really see that when I was younger.

Honestly, she seemed completely loving. I was homeschooled growing up, but I got a decent education and actually went on to get a college degree. She was really and honestly relatively normal/warm for a parent, I don't remember the consistent sort of day to day coldness that people on here sometimes describe.

I never felt like she was cold or not loving overall. Even as an adult, I do remember it as seeming quite loving and really did feel like they had an attachment to me that went beyond my only value simply being as supply. Though, honestly I don't see either of them as fundamentally having normal parental instincts, and they (especially my Mom) certainly came across as warm towards me.

They would seem to have normal parental instincts. But there was something else at play, that always seemed to play a strong role. Which is that they were over-concerned about how I made them look, and honestly, they always seemed to have a very harsh side.

I do remember some messed up displays of anger at certain things. And some of them were quite horrible to say the least. Though, honestly it never came off to me as "these people hate me". They always seemed to be sort of passing moments and incidents here and there.

However, largely, even with regard to the negative stuff I didn't really question them to any significant extent. Because I was convinced that they were "perfect parents" and "wonderful". They would often say things like this, boasting about "how much they do for me" and how "great" they are. And how they are "better than any other family".

There also were undertones of feeling like there was something "wrong with" me, and this too, I think to a large extent was yet another button that they've programmed into me. They weren't as aggressive with it as some of the stories on here, but it was definitely enough to get the message across.

One reason why they didn't go too far, is that I think they had fairly high hopes for me. Certainly, a good part of this was simply about living vicariously. So, rather than the overall atmosphere being "there's something wrong with you, you'll never do anything", it was a pretty achievement driven sort of environment.

Which in itself wasn't unhealthy. As it did encourage me to succeed in some ways, and it wasn't the high-pressure sort of demanding absolute perfection that you see sometimes on here. It was stifling though, because my mother would get so, so involved in everything that it somewhat prevented me from doing things my own way and learning how to go through life on my own.

And they were very over-involved in other ways too. And as a result I had minimal experience in the world, because that was fairly stifled. I didn't necessarily learn that many practical skills, some, possibly sort of enough to barely skate by. But it was definitely quite lacking. Because rather than allowing me to gain experience and make my own mistakes, almost everything was simply done for me.

In fact, my mother could have had a career of her own. She had an advanced degree, could have probably done pretty well for herself. However, instead she decided to forgo all that so she could spend all her time with me, homeschooling me. As I said, it mostly wasn't bad. I do have a lot of good memories and she seemed pretty attached to me or at least that was how it seemed to me, but as I said there were some real problems with it as well.

[Sophie48]

Hi Steve223,

Thanks for your post. For me, it touched on an issue I have struggled with almost daily since coming Out of the FOG.

I can't honestly say I did not feel loved by my parents when I was a child, so maybe our experience in that way is similar.

I have a clear memory as well; there were some good times, and some very bad ones. My mom was often quite depressed. Her own childhood was difficult (father abandoned her family when she was a child and she was blamed; her family lost their farm/home because of it; based on her accounts her older brother was abusive and her parents did little to stop it; and her mother passed away when my mom was still in her early 20s).

She occasionally said she wanted her own children to have a better life than she had. I believe she tried, but it seemed to be a losing battle. She seemed emotionally fragile. And when both medical doctors and therapists tried to help (she had several breakdowns and spent time in the hospital each time), she refused.

There were other things that were not particularly "normal," but, overall, I never thought of her as mean or vindictive. Grumpy, yes, and rarely happy, (I can't actually picture her smiling a "genuine," contented, happy smile), but not unloving. Occasionally, someone would comment negatively about her, and it was confusing. One of my sister-in-laws once told me some things my mom had said to her that were a bit shocking. I kept trying to confirm, "Are you sure? That was MY mom who said that??" I just couldn't process it. I regret that I wasn't more supportive and validating of my sister-in-law. She and my brother divorced shortly after.

I don't know if you experience this, but for me, there is somewhat of a disconnect between what I thought I knew then, and what I know now. In fact, there was a significant feeling of fear that, if I didn't see it, but so many other people did, how could I keep myself safe now? How could I have missed this, how do I protect myself from it happening again?? Am I the same as her, and am I hurting the people around me because of it? And, if I missed so much already, was I misinterpreting the current situation? I felt scared, panicked, confused, betrayed, and very angry.

My therapist reassured me of the following;

Things that are happening now, even if they weren't back then, are valid reasons for keeping distance between us and protecting myself. Boundaries are not only okay, they're necessary.

When you only know one way, even if it's unhealthy, you adapt. It becomes "normal." So, while certain things were right in front of me that someone from a healthy background would question, knowing nothing else, I would have no reason to.

The fact that I was eager to make changes so that I wouldn't hurt the people around me most likely meant I don't have a PD, although, being raised by someone who most likely does, I was bound to have learned and picked up some of her habits. I am still "deprogramming."

People change, and in my mom's case, she seemed to deteriorate as she got older. Also, as children, our parents are in control, so often, things aren't so volatile. The more independent we become, however, the more the parent with a PD attempts to get that control back. In my case, my parents continued to use tactics they'd used when I was a child. And each time it didn't work to "rein me in," the more aggressive they got, until the relationship was irreparably damaged.

I don't believe I can ever trust my parents again, and I need relationships that I can trust, at least to a reasonable degree.

I hope you gain strength, healing and peace as you work through your situation.

[Sojourner17]

Steve223, I remember much of the same as you up until I was 12 years old and mom had a major depressive episode which was really scary. Before that I remember mostly good times and a few significant bad episodes (seeing my parents hold my almost adult foster sister down and "spank" her with a wooden spoon;mom out of control angry spanking my younger sister with a wooden spoon; mom angrily hitting and yelling at my dad).
Overall I thought it was fairly good so when I started experiencing things myself as an adult I found it confusing. It didn't make sense. However the more I think about it the more I see that when I made decisions of my own or tried to instill a boundary as an adult mom would say mean hurtful things or come completely unglued. I have never been hit with a wooden spoon like my sisters were but I am now aware (from my own mom nonetheless) of things she did when I was a baby that were not good and she has no remorse about doing.

I am a parent myself now.  I know I've made mistakes with my boys. I don't EVER want to make them think that I don't have remorse when I mess up. I don't ever want them to feel like I took pleasure in hurting them in any way. I can see now that normal baby behaviour was punished (ie biting when breastfeeding, etc) and basically mom thinks she was teaching me a lesson.

I too am still reprogramming and have some significant fleas. I hope and pray I can overcome them for myself and my FOC sake.
My parents also continue to use tactics you would with  children. They up the ante if those tactics don't work. So much so that I, like Sophie48, see our relationship as nearly irreparable.  It's a sad reality.

[Indivisible]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I think it's all the many different shades of NPD that make coming Out of the FOG confusing.  My take is that there is a spectrum with people who have traits of N all the way to full blown NPD.  I believe that my mother had traits of.  My father, IMHO, was full blown NPD.  The best I can describe it is that I felt warmth from my mother.  I believe that she loved me.  I believe that she had thoughts and goals to make my life more fulfilled than hers was.  Then, there was also her compulsion (the best way I can describe it) to feed her narcissistic needs and supply.  So, the same woman who wanted her daughter to have a better childhood called me fat and stupid, and tried to control my thoughts, denied my feelings and lead me to believe that I was undeserving of things that normal childhood offers.  I don't think that my mother had any examples of what a loving and giving parent does.  In my father's case looking back I don't remember feeling any human warmth from him.  We were his second family.  He walked out on both families without looking back or caring what he left in his wake.  My parents were not violent.  They were intellectual snobs and only lowlifes beat their children. I am still confused by the fact that my mother could love me and emotionally abuse me at the same time.  I hope your journey leads you to peace, my friend.