Tell me I shouldn’t feel bad for this...

[jennsc85]

The thinking part of me knows I shouldn't feel bad, but the feeling part of me DOES feel bad...

So, after a year of not seeing my mother I saw her at Christmas. It was a fine visit, nothing crazy happened. It made me feel very confused, though, because her "normal" behavior made me want to see her again. But then once I thought about it I knew that if I started seeing her regularly again that things would go back to how they were (weekly errands, tirades, tantrums, threats and more) And I just can't do that again.

So she emailed me around Valentines Day saying that she got a new kitten and also that she had presents for my kids. I emailed her back and told her that we were sick (which was true) and she said that when we were better she'd love for us to come over so the kids could see the kitten and get their gifts.

That was over a week ago and I never wrote back to that email.

I feel guilty. I've been thinking about writing her back almost every day but I just... I don't know. I feel so at peace not being in regular contact with her. I feel like a "fun" visit would be opening doors to more. Maybe I'm over thinking.

Plus the fact that I'm pregnant and my mother doesn't know... she's had horrible things to say about my other two pregnancies and honestly, I would love nothing more than for her to know nothing about this one so that it can be a completely positive experience for me. I don't know. I'm sure she'll find out somehow but I just want to keep it away from her because I feel like she'll somehow taint my excitement and happiness and she already did that twice... and I don't want it to happen again.

I guess that's a totally separate thing, but it's part of why I don't want to see her also. I'm just feeling really guilty for ignoring her nice email.

[WomanInterrupted]

I wish you wouldn't feel bad, and pay attention to the part of you that *knows* this is nothing more than an *act* that she can't keep up for any extended period of time.

Your mother is NOT a nice person - go back and read your old posts, to prove it to yourself.  A *nice* person doesn't say she'll hurt herself, and file elder abuse charges on you, *dislocate your finger* and tell you to stop making such a big deal about it, trap you in a room with her, terrorize you in front of your kids, terrorize you PERIOD, and stand/lay in front of your car, so you can't leave, among other things!   

THAT's who she really is - disturbed, dangerous, and *entitled* in that she thinks she is *owed* a room in your house, where you can take care of her, 24/7.   

Yet...that Nice Act makes you wonder - even though you've seen the Real Her time and time again - the Nice Act makes you wonder if maybe there's a glimmer of hope.  Maybe she's changed.  Maybe she's on new meds, had some kind of epiphany, or something happened to make her see just how badly she's behaved in the past, and she'll never do anything like that again.

The act is a LIE - it's to snow you, lure you in, so you let your guard down and when you least expect it - WHAMMO!  You're back to dealing with The Real Her, but now she's even angrier because you  dared to "abandon" her for a year - and you will PAY, one way or the other.   

Yes - she will get that pound of flesh - and that room in your house - one way, or the other.  You will *suffer* and you will *pay* for all your perceived transgressions, *because that's who she really is and she can't help herself.*

Personally, I wouldn't email her back.  It's just a con job and if she can get you alone, she might make snide comments about how  fat you're getting - and if you correct her by saying you're pregnant, she'll probably say all those things you didn't want to hear the other two times, plus even *more* hurtful things, because she won't be thinking about being a grandma again, or you having another baby - she'll be thinking how she can *make* you kick your kids out of their rooms, so she can take them over!   

Or she might cook up something worse, like calling CPS, to try to get your kids removed, because she's *still* that angry, and yes - she wants that room in your home, and with no kids around, you'll be able to focus ALL your time on her.   

There's no telling what an unBPD person slighted can get up to - or what low they'll stoop to, as long as the end justifies the means.

Your mother is not a nice person - not in the least - and sooner or later, the fangs are going to come out.  It's only a matter of time - and a part of you *knows* that, on a cellular level.   

Listen to that part - and to your gut. 

Something is staying your hand in replying - that's the part I'd listen to.  It's reliable, trustworthy and won't steer you wrong. 

[SunnyMeadow]

You shouldn't feel bad for this!

And 100% what WI said 

[appaloosa]

Yes--I agree with above posts! Ignore the email. Think of yourself, not your disordered mom. Your new baby-to-be doesn't need you to be distressed either.

[RavenLady]

Hi jennsc85. If half of what WomanInterrupted is describing is true, it's probably a bad time to develop abuse amnesia.

I didn't intend for my last phone call with uBPDm a few months ago to lead to VVLC/NC with her and uNPDf. I had no plan one way or the other. But the things is, NOT talking with them just feels so good. Like, the smell of spring after a too-long winter. Or that one song you forgot you loved more than almost anything these many years. A favorite meal savored with your closest friends. Not talking to toxic is like...coming of of the FOG into the sun and sweet breeze surrounded by giggling children. It's a good place just to stay for, I dunno, the smallest of reasons and the longest of times? Here, where the toxic is gone?

So maybe your question ought to be turned on its head: you're pregnant and already a momma with her hands full. What, exactly, is to be gained by welcoming toxic chaos back into your life? How is that good for anyone, exactly? (Least of all, you and your little one/s...)

[biggerfish]

I agree with the other replies.  I want to add, in case this is helpful, that you did inadvertently open the door a little when you said the kids were sick, which probably confused her a bit. And now you feel bad about that.

Forgive yourself for that minor error and get back on track. Try to avoid confusing her again because the last thing you need is to cause yourself more guilt. You have a great life and you deserve peace and happiness without her in it. Congrats!

[Zebrastriped]

I agree with the other replies.  Protect the baby by protecting yourself.  Why go back to that heartache?  You won't be the first person to keep your kids away from your mother.