uPD parents still hosting parties for teens

[all4peace]

My uNparents have long hosted parties for teens, our kids/nieces/nephews and their friend group.

Childhood was abusive, neglectful, an emotional wasteland. We came into adulthood on better footing, hoping to put the past behind us and have better relationships with our parents. Adulthood relationships were not abusive, but they also weren't ideal. Two siblings moved far away, 2 of us stayed 1-2 hrs away. Nearly 5 years ago, uNM especially, with the support of uN?F began hosting a lot of parties for our kids' friend group, inviting teens from hrs away.

To the best I can figure it out, uNM needed people to play with, and she needed to stand out as special, the amazingly "cool and fit" older woman, to get posted about on social media and generally admired. Her peer group was not part of these parties.

Meanwhile, the 4 of us adult children were living life, approaching middle age, struggling with the struggles of life, while our parents more and more turned their backs, continued to not initiate contact, and overall just had fun with teens instead of paying attention to their relationship with us. My sister and I used to openly request more contact, which was laughed at and ignored. Eventually I gave up trying. After a shouting conversation from my F nearly 3 years ago, I stopped reaching out entirely. Our relationship has since totally collapsed. There was a year of correspondence of me trying to explain why since they wanted to know "why." There was a mtg with my T, in which they were both still completely "clueless." There were huge monetary gifts to our children, with literally nothing for their children (not even bdays, for many years now).

Now my parents are taking trips out of state or country every single month. The next one is planned to go visit my brother's best friend from childhood. There've been others to spend time with my sister's in-laws and other people connected with our lives. And the parties apparently have begun again, only now our DS is close enough geographically to be invited, and his friends and roommates.

So, my parents are hanging out with my son, his friends, without a word to me or my DH. Zero effort to reach out to us. Driving hours out of their way to have a meal with my S's in-laws but not a word when they pass within 1/2 hr of our house.

It's hard to know how to look at this, what to think about it, how to feel. I feel sick, I feel disgusted and I feel powerless and helpless.

[RavenLady]

Oh all4peace, I'm so sorry. I don't have as large a family you have, but I can relate to the hurt that comes when everyone and everything is more interesting to my PD parents than I am. It's that feeling I have when I find myself saying the words "Holy shit, my parents really don't like me. They really do like pretty much everyone else better than they like me. Tell me, again, what did I do?" And then the feeling that comes with the re-realization, "Oh, right. I existed. Outside the story they chose for me, that was supposed to complete the picture of perfect they have in their heads. I've turned out to be such a disappointment. Such an offense, being me!"

For example, back in my 20's, when uBPDm was, er, struggling with my decision to forge a life of my own, uBPDm and uNPDf befriended a young woman my age in their new town and for quite a while she seemed to come up in every conversation. Guess what K is up to? K bought this house and has championed all these great things. K is beloved by these community leaders. K is righteous. K is funny. K is really good with animals. K laughs at our jokes. K is dating and creating her own "brand." K was here for dinner, here to house-sit, here at the meeting, here at the event. K looks so great and is so wonderful. Etc. I heard so much about K that I decided to meet her since according to my parents she was basically a much shinier, less disappointing version of me and I figured why not, we might hit it off and maybe she can teach me a thing or two. I did hang out with her while travelling a few times, and she was a fine human being if entirely unexceptional, and we developed an easy friendship that was noteworthy in no regard. My parents presumably knew as much, and then, like all their friends seem to do, she fell utterly off their radar and ceased to exist in their minds and on their tongues. I assume she was no longer providing good narcissistic supply.

Anyway, that was after M kept bringing homeless children home to live in my bedroom, but before she developed a habit of spending >50% her time during our rare visits chatting up complete strangers like she was campaigning for president. The options became: stay in when she visits, and sooner or later I'd get subjected to the emotional equivalent of a knife-fight in the claustrophobia of any four walls; or go out, and well looky here I've been promoted to escort for this charming, precocious twelve-year-old who occasionally surfaces from within the body of my waify mother. We shall have our promenade, wherever we are.

On one particular occasion my parents, DH and I met up in a tiny town midway between our respective towns of abode and near the hospital where DH's father was actively dying, which is why we were in the vicinity. It was designed by all sides to be a quick, say-hi-and-goodbye-before-shit-hits-the-fan visit. Neutral territory. I hadn't seen my parents for months. I was by then in therapy and wanted to know if I was being unduly harsh to Mom when I couldn't recall her ever saying anything positive about any woman in my family, ever. I made the mistake of asking her in a light-hearted way for a positive reference point with respect to my female predecessors, and Mom hemmed and hawed and dodged before relating something her mother did that she clearly still thought was mostly all wrong. Then she spent the rest of our time gladhandling the whole tiny town: barbers, barristas, bakery owners, passersby on the street, other customers...in other words, she was eager to talk with literally anyone about literally anything but me. Or my FIL's impeding death.

Like, the whole world is a party that I ruin for her when I show up. That's kind of the overall vibe.

Anyway, it hurts. I can only imagine the layers that go on top of that for you what with having kids you also love and worrying about their exposure to PD toxicity. I'm really sorry.

I really respect you, all4peace. Yours were among the first posts I read on here and one of the reasons I took the plunge to be active on the forum. You sounded so....sane. And kind. Sometimes when I'm feeling like a crazy-monkey-mind with respect to this PD parents stuff, I think, well, what kindly, wise, compassionate, practical thoughts would all4peace have on the topic? Yep, you are one of the people who is slowly, unwittingly, invisibly crowding out the toxic FOO stuff stuck in my mind.

If I were to have a big non-PD party where awards were given to human beings who survived pathological family dysfunction with their humanity fully intact, you would get top honors. Your parents throw stupid parties and if you're not invited it's probably because they don't deal so well with reality/adults. I would totally party with you. (But not necessarily your teenagers.)

[StayWithMe]

It's hard to know how to look at this, what to think about it, how to feel. I feel sick, I feel disgusted and I feel powerless and helpless.

I feel like my mother does this to me on a small scale.  Yours are doing it on a large scale.

My mother has done the triangulation; befriended guys I've dated.Talks to strangers as if they are more important than people she already knows.......

After a shouting conversation from my F nearly 3 years ago, I stopped reaching out entirely. Our relationship has since totally collapsed. There was a year of correspondence of me trying to explain why since they wanted to know "why." There was a mtg with my T, in which they were both still completely "clueless." There were huge monetary gifts to our children, with literally nothing for their children (not even bdays, for many years now).

Sadly, I think you've shown too much that you care too much. Become unresponsive again.  Treat them as if they were some obscure friend of your child's.  When they start needing someone to go to the hospital with or money, they will probably still come around.  In your place, I may choose to be somewhat forthcoming ..... but never warm.

[xredshoesx]

my biological mother always gravitated towards young kids (12-13) that she could impress- i saw her do this to my step-sibs and her friends kids.  that's her 'supply' and it creeped me out, esp once i started talking about the incest that went on in the fam.....i started seeing her supply as victims she was grooming.

[candy]

all4peace, I would like to add my voice to RavenLady's chorus. You are one of the good souls of Out of the FOG for me, always giving thoughtful and decent advice. You are encouraging and welcoming and reading your posts usually helps me to understand the PDs in my life as an opportunity to grow and thrive. I really like your affirmative way of handling the challenges that come across.

Hosting parties for teens and young adults is really odd. It is not ,,all family" as they spare out the generation of parents. It is just really, really odd. As is visiting your brother's best friend from childhood?! If he didn't live at your parents' house in the past, I do not see a connection that would explain that visit. That is strange.

IMO and from what I learned from having younger siblings - that they just tick differently which serves another perspective - I would make a bet that your son and his peers do recognize the oddness.

To me, a bunch of college kids hanging out with social media cool grandparents sounds like consuming freebies. It is not at all about the grandparents personality or about what they have to offer relationship-wise, I think. It's more like the older guy who buys alcoholic beverages for minors: everyone knows it is not right to do so, and the guy is not really cool but  you allow him to imagine he was, and in the end the older guy is still
odd. When you grow up, you ask yourself what exactly was in it for the odd guy and you cannot figure it out. So you feel indifferent about that guy and secretly you're glad nothing bad ever happened.

I get that you feel disgusted. The whole thing sounds like grooming. The parties, the monetary presents... it is either grooming or a inadequate competition about some sort of coolness with the kids parents, you.

It also sounds like those adult grandparents prefer immature teens to hang around with. Which is age-inappropriate in the two directions. The teens are teens but the adults should see it. Hence the adults in this setting are probably acting immaturely themselves.

Those grandparents are trying to interfere with the bond and the relationship between parents and their children. They do so by creating secrets, by excluding you and your DH and your siblings in their role as parents. This is abusive behavior.

Am I allowed to ask who informed you about the parties?

[daughterofbpd]

Hi All4Peace,
I'm not sure if it is the same kind of thing but my parents (particularly BPDm) focus on my daughter yet don't seem to care about the rest of the family much anymore.  They'll text asking how LO is (if I respond, I make sure to clarify that the whole family is good). They want to schedule pictures only with LO (rather than family portraits). They request to see LO but my presence is optional if not discouraged. On one hand, it's easier having them disinterested in me. On the other hand, I can clearly see that my M is looking at a second chance to get someone to love her and I wonder how she can expect a "do over" without acknowledging that she failed to create a bond with her own daughters? I've been tossed aside and then she has the audacity to expect a bond with my child as if I'm not even in the equation. I wonder if, in both our cases, this simply comes down to a "supply" issue. My BPDm seeks the unconditional love of a child whom she can easily control. She can no longer control me, therefore I serve no purpose to her and she lost interest. It would seem to me that your parents crave something that only young people can provide. It isn't the way that a parent should feel or act. We deserve better than this. Our value isn't based on our abilities to soothe our parents' egos.

The other thing I'm wondering is if your parents are making plans with people close to their children in order to prove to both their children and themselves that they are good people? They are so invested in not being the ones with the problem that they have to continue that illusion somehow...?

I hope your son and his friends catch on to the creepiness of your parents' behavior and decline party invites in the future. It seems hard to believe that a bunch of boys that age would want to hang out with older people regularly. I agree it is disturbing and would imagine part of you wishes that you could shelter your son from them (I would). It's a tough thing all around.

Take care.

[all4peace]

Thank you all for the responses and kind words. It's rather disturbing how often parents have this type of pattern.

I got the uncomfortable feelings out and talked it over with DH. Really, we have no control over how my parents behave. We aren't inside their heads and don't truly know their motivations. It's very understandable we feel twitchy when our kids are involved or with them, and yet our kids are really smart and good judges of character, not readily influenced by others.

A family member informed me, whose newly-adult-child is also invited.

DH and I agreed to focus on our bonds with our kids as a source of strength, and to possibly show up at the party with food (and supervision).

[blacksheep7]

Hello all4peace,

I'm late to the discussion but wanted to say that I'm sorry for you.  It is quite odd to host parties for teens continuously.  Creepy indeed.  Yes it is good narcissistic supply as your parents are viewed as cool.   Being adults, they always have the control over those kids.

My NM has a surrogate daughter which she refers to as a friend even though she is only four years older than me.  A good woman with not a bad bone in her body.  She was sixteen years old and  brought to North America  for an arranged marriage late 60's  giving her a better opportunity in life which was not uncommon back then.   She married a  family friend of my parents.  Those friends were like family as we had none here, just one aunt who remained single all her life.
My narc parents always loved to entertain and party and would often go to their home or to other friends.  I was always babysitting the two younger ones on Saturday nights,  somehow it was great for me not having them around. 
Surrogate's dh divorced her after having raised three kids and she remained close to our family.   

My narc M prefers her to her own kids because that woman  is lonely, does not drive and has a husband whom loves to stay home most of the time, so NM visits often. Surrogate dd  doesn't  contradict NM because of her age, views her as a mother that she no longer has, she even confides in her.  I feel sorry for her as NM does not give her good advice being a submissive wife who stood in NF shadow all her life  never taking any major decisions and being a covert narc.   They entertain each other, play cards and listen to the radio and watch tv in their native tongue which we kids do not do.  We were born here, speak the language or understand it, that's where it ends.   M will defend surrogate dd and her new alcoholic dh before her own kids.  In one incident in 2010 NM was once again defending them when I spoke some truth, this got  me  where I am today, Out of the FOG and nc  two years now for the second and last time!

Even though surrogate dd is good to my NM  by calling her regularly  more than we do, as a good narc she criticizes her behind her back like she did all of us four kids, bad mouthing us all our lives.

There is no authentic love towards her kids (us), only responds to how compliant  we are, to  serve and entertain her.