Do I invite my mother to my college graduation?

[perseverealways]

I am graduating college in May and need to start getting an idea of how many tickets I need to get. I have been conflicted with inviting my mother to my graduation. She is has an undiagnosed personality disorder and has made my life hell in many aspects. Until about over a year ago, our relationship was rocky but ok for the most part, until I stopped complying with her and she lied and told me my sister killed herself on her birthday, when she in fact did not. She is still alive and completely made this up.

I have been in very low contact with her for over a year now. She'll occasionally text me asking to do something or why I have a cold shoulder towards her and simply not does understand how her behavior makes me absolutely not want to see or speak to her. Most recently, my aunt (her sister) was recently diagnosed with cancer and I wanted to reach out to her and send a card. I mistakenly asked my mother for my aunts address. My mother demanding me to tell her what I was sending to my aunt and why I needed the address.  I told her I was sending a card. Well, she must have not liked that one bit. I stopped answering her and the texts flooded in telling me I am not a loving, caring or supportive person and that I should not pretend to me, that I am hateful, mean, a dysfunctional codependent, mentally ill, a trouble maker, and that my aunt does not care about me so I shouldn't bother sending her a card. For probably the 10th time, I tell her to not contact me until she gets help. She then sends me a text that she does not want a relationship with me until I get help? Completely copying what I had just wrote. She definitely needs to say this stuff to be in control. It is just mind boggling how she projected herself entirely on me.

At this point, I do not want her at my graduation. It terrifies me having her anywhere near my SO, friends, father and brother. However, knowing her, If I do not invite her, she will pull some horrific stunt. She did pay for my textbooks one time that were $250 but that was pretty much the only contribution to my college career she made.

Any advice or insight would be great 

[t666666]

No, you should had a day of pride without worry.  Congratulations on such an achievement, well done.

[openskyblue]

First, congratulations on finishing college! That's a big deal and a lot of work. I'm sure you and your father, brother, SO, friends are looking forward to your big day.

You are under no obligation to invite your mother. I hope you can find a way to not feel guilty about that, because you don't deserve to carry that load. It is simply mind-blowing that a mother would lie to her daughter that her sister had killed herself. Your mom sounds like she has no sense of boundaries or decorum — a combination that does not bode well at formal ceremonies. IMHO you are well within your rights to protect this day for yourself and trusted friends and family.

You post hit home for me: My son is also graduating college this May — and his NPD father will not be there due to his past rageful behavior and pathological lying. It's too bad that this is the case, but we will celebrate together and with family friends. The focus of the day will be my son and his achievements, not the drama that his dad would inevitably blow up, if he were there.

[Amadahy]

I vote no. If your mom pulls any stunts, it is not on you! In fact, you could alert campus security that you are concerned and let someone else handle any potential problem.

Congratulations!!!  Please try to enjoy YOUR day!

[JayBird]

Congratulations on your hard work and achievement. You worked for and earned every sweet ounce of your college degree, not your mother. The challenges you are experiencing with your mother are very intense and I can understand your need for distance.

Ask yourself if your feelings are arising from F.O.G

FEAR- you "are terrified having her anywhere near my SO, friends, father and brother. However, knowing her, If I do not invite her, she will pull some horrific stunt"

OBLIGATION- If you do not oblige with mother's need to be included in your big event  then you might get a repeat of
"Until about over a year ago, our relationship was rocky but ok for the most part, until I stopped complying with her and she lied and told me my sister killed herself on her birthday, when she in fact did not. She is still alive and completely made this up."

GUILT: "She did pay for my textbooks one time that were $250 but that was pretty much the only contribution to my college career she made".

Three major life events worthy of celebration and joy for me (college graduation, wedding, and birth of DD1) were all tainted by pd people who, at the time,  I did not have good boundaries with. I gave in to their needs at the expense of mine because I was way deep in F.O.G.

Good luck on your big day, may it full of calm ,celebratory joy!

[Andeza]

Your graduation is a moment of celebration, and congratulations by the way! It's not easy to survive the academics.  Here's to a bright future!

That said I would only invite people that have been supportive, loving, and cheered me on. Tickets can be hard to get, even expensive at some institutions, and space is limited. Only the people that most appreciate your accomplishment should go. It doesn't sound like your M meets that description. Most likely she will take full credit for your accomplishment despite her lack of support. (I don't consider buying textbooks one little time to be support. Not when there is a massive emotional support demand that has clearly gone unmet.) So do not let that $250 hold any guilt power over you because it's likely a drop in the bucket compared to what you've spent out of pocket, or possibly owe in student loans.

Again, congratulations! Super proud of you!

[StayWithMe]

There are no "do overs" for graduation day so do what is best for you. 

[all4peace]

Please do what gives you the most peace, and plan non-obsessively for her showing up and making a scene if you don't invite her. The behavior you describe from her in the recent past is really troubling and toxic, imo. She sounds really unstable and unpredictable, and like she is willing to sabotage other people's mental health.

And congratulations on such a significant achievement, especially in the middle of this kind of chaos!