She's Dating Again

[HeadAboveWater]

I'm trying to find peace and acceptance, so I'm writing for your perspectives and advice.

My PD mother has a history of terrible dating decisions. She has, several times in the past decades, chosen men who were not faithful to her. I believe that her last husband, now deceased, may have been a conman and was certainly PD. I've probably written about these relationships in past posts.

Well, it seems my mother may be dating again. She's been cagey about it when we've spoken by phone. But from the photos on social media, she's seems involved. The relationship seems rather whirlwind, as they are currently traveling together.

I'm trying so hard to let it go. If she's happy, then that's great. If she's unhappy in this relationship, then that's her problem. If she doesn't have the skills to have a successful relationship, I certainly can't fix that for her. But this is also a woman who got engaged within a few months of meeting her last husband. And that process was emotionally exhausting for me. I have better boundaries and perspective now, but I feel like I'm bracing for impact. Help.

[moglow]

Oh noooooo, Wilbur! Step back and stay far far away from that cluster. She's going to do what she's going to do and there's not one thing your worry will solve.

Now breathe. Put it down and go dance to your favorite music or something!

[Andeza]

There's a financial adviser guy that posts on youtube, named Dave Ramsey, and he likes to talk about "powdered butt syndrome." He says once somebody has changed your diaper and powdered your butt they'll never take your advice on money or sex. In other words, moglow speaks truth. Stay far away from this one. You said it, it's not your problem. Just keep repeating it. The only extent to which I get involved with my parents (they're divorced) relationships is to warn enF not to cross his girlfriend or he won't have an open casket at the viewing... if we can even find his body. I'm only half joking: she has brothers.

[Sneezy]

I have better boundaries and perspective now, but I feel like I'm bracing for impact. Help.

I know the feeling - bracing for impact.  It's awful to watch your mother make bad decision after bad decision, especially when it comes to men.  My mom has had similar issues.  I wish I had some advice to give, but honestly, your mother is unlikely to listen to you or anyone else when it comes to her love life.  One of the signs of histrionic PD is the need for romantic attention.  My mom needs so much attention, from everyone, but she especially needs men in her life to flirt with.  And I have watched her make some bad decisions over the years.  She is currently in a relationship with a married man (which rarely ends well for the "other woman").  I've told her, in no uncertain terms, that I think this is one of the worst, and most morally bankrupt, decisions she's ever made, but yeah, like Andeza says, she changed my diaper and powdered my butt, so what do I know.  My best hope is that it fizzles out, but I am also bracing for the impact if and when it blows up into another mess.

Keep your boundaries up.  Remember that this is her problem, and when it ends badly, it is still her problem, not yours.  It will be difficult, but you may have to screen your calls, stay off of facebook, and be "really busy at work" when your mom's latest bad decision turns into her latest disaster. 

[notrightinthehead]

It is painful to watch someone you love to make the same mistake over and over again. And to be unable to do anything about it. You definitely need to brace.  What helps me in such a situation, ( I have a friend who has made terrible choices in her life and is just embarking on a new romance) I tell myself repeatedly, I respect this persons choices. She has a right to live her life any way she wants. I might think I know better, but I am not walking in her shoes.  I respect her as an equal adult, she can make any mistake she wants as she will have to bear the consequences herself.

[HeadAboveWater]

There's a financial adviser guy that posts on youtube, named Dave Ramsey, and he likes to talk about "powdered butt syndrome." He says once somebody has changed your diaper and powdered your butt they'll never take your advice on money or sex.

I love all that everyone's said here. And I particularly enjoy that this gave me a good giggle.

[Andeza]

  Always happy to provide some comic relief. Goodness knows we need it sometimes!