Feeling worse about myself

[MyLifeToo]

At the moment I'm struggling to cope with my mixed emotions. My moral self doesn't want to go NC with aging updm, and I'm in such a turmoil because I think I need to do something along those lines. I just don't seem to be able to stick with mc for any length of time, and the stress is building up inside me.

She's engulfing, and covert, probably slightly N, slightly BPD. She's disabled, lives alone, had no one to turn to apart from me - there are many of us here in the same situation, I know. Friends and relatives have come and gone, usually due to some fall out because nobody is ever good enough.

She is depressed but won't take any extra medication offered - she's afraid of being woozy and falling, which I understand. She's in pain, but doesn't seem to want to try stronger pain killers. Again, it's justifiable, but I have to listen to all her woes and put feels to me like she's not helping herself. She won't phone the doctor because "it's impossible to get an appointment anyway, and besides, she can't get out, and the receptionists are bullies..." And on and on.

Neighbours are having building work done, she can't stand the noise, but rejects my suggestion of wearing headphones and playing music she likes to help block it out. When the work started I said she could stay here for a bit to get past the worst of it, but not for the whole time. She's saying I never said it, and every time the noise is bad she says it's making her ill and that I refused to let her stay. Blame blame blame.

So, she decides she wants to watch a video but I "threw them all out without asking her" (not true). Constant constant little snipes at me and all the things I've done wrong. It sounds so stupid to get upset by it, and I feel pathetic! But if I ever ask her not to talk about something, or when I say things like, "it upsets me when you say xyz", she tells me I'm being silly and I should know she's only being facetious, and she "doesn't know what's the matter with anyone in this family that they can't take a joke". To me it's bullying, and she does it when her own life feels out of control.

It's an accumulation of all the little things that are getting me down at the moment. We fall out every time we spend more than a couple of days together. She lives far enough away that day trips aren't really an option. However long I stay is never enough for her anyway, and right now the thought of visiting her puts a knot in my stomach, let alone letting her stay with me. I can't believe I am having this reaction to something that should be the most normal thing in the world, spending a bit of time with the mother you love. I do love her, but I'm finding it impossible to like very much about her right now.

I've had another attack of ibs this week and last night my heart was jumping around erratically for over 2 hours. I think the stress is taking its toll. And the more stressed I feel, the less able I am to cope with her neediness. A vicious circle.

Apart from venting on here, I don't really know what to do, and feel very alone. I think my friends have had enough of me talking about her, because it's been the same for years and I never seem able to take their advice, and even end up defending her. I've taken a few steps with help from you all at Out of the FOG, for example I am now able to reject phone calls, sometimes say No, and I no longer grovel when she gives me the silent treatment.

I can't bear the thought of her suffering at home alone, and it's screwing me up inside. She tells me that no one cares, but it seems to me that I care too much! I'm wondering if I ought to write to her to let her know I'm having anxiety issues myself. Whatever I say gets twisted or she hears the opposite of what I actually said. What I want to do is bury my head in the sand and hide, but that's not very grown up, and solves nothing anyway.   

[illogical]

Hi MyLifeToo,

Vent away!

Your username-- MyLifeToo.  Yes!     You do have a life and you are the only one who can live it.  So you put yourself first here.

A few observations, comments--

1) Your mother lives alone and you say she has "no one to turn to apart from me".  I understand what you're saying here, that you feel you are the only one who can take care of her, but from what you've posted, your health is starting to suffer.  It will likely only get worse, as your mother tries to get you to fix her life.  She wants you as her emotional dumping ground-- she can blame all her problems on you and not take one whit of your advice.  This is a no-win situation, or "double-bind".

2) I have been there.  The more I tried to fix my NM's problems, the more problems surfaced.  She just kept moving the goalposts and asking me to jump higher.  Once I came Out of the FOG, I began to see that I was trying to fix the unfixable.  My NM was a bottomless pit of need and no matter what I did for her, it would never be good enough. 

3)  I like to use the "train-wreck" analogy.  My NM wanted me to ride on a train that she was driving into the abyss.  Sooner or later (usually sooner) NM would wreck the train and leave the scene of the accident.  Guess who remained to pick up the pieces?  Yep, moi.    And this after I had given her advice that would have lessened the impact or prevented the destruction entirely.  So frustrating.  I can't even find the words here!

4)  Like you, my health began to suffer.  I went VLC for about a year and a half, then NC because NM trampled every boundary I erected.  So I had to up the ante on the consequences-- lack of my presence in her life and lack of support. 

I'm not trying to tell you to go NC here, as that is a decision you have to make yourself-- i.e., how much contact you can endure.  But I would advise you to continue to lessen contact with your mother.  This does not have to be done all at once.  Maybe just gradually start pulling away.  It sounds like your mother needs to be either in an ALF or have some home health care.  Please be careful not to put yourself in the tenuous position of being solely responsible for her.  It sounds like she is competent enough to make her own decisions.  Let her make them, and-- this is the most important part-- let her live with the consequences.  I wouldn't offer her any unsolicited advice.  I would be very careful about any advice I offered her.  When she started in with her negativity, I would cut the conversation short.  You're busy.  You've got to go. 

As you point out, there are many on this forum who have been in similar situations to the one you find yourself in.  We are here to support you on your journey!  The Elderly Family Members forum has many relevant topics.  So you might want to look there, also, if you haven't already.  Take care.

[SunnyMeadow]

Constant constant little snipes at me and all the things I've done wrong. It sounds so stupid to get upset by it, and I feel pathetic!

I completely understand and I could have written much of your post! The stress and anxiety is awful. Please don't feel pathetic, you're being a good daughter to a mother who doesn't care about your well being. It's absolutely not stupid to get upset by it. How dare she treat you this way when you're probably the only one left who still associates with her. I'm feeling anger at my mother and it's helping me get through all the ups and downs of dealing with her.

I've been lessening contact with my mom over the past few years and she's feeling it. We were so enmeshed as I was newly married and bringing up my children and now I really wish I hadn't been. It wasn't healthy for any of us.

There were a few major incidents that showed me she wasn't a safe person to have in my life. I saw her spewing venom because I didn't agree with how she thought a family member WRONGED her. I thought she was going to slap me, she was so angry. In that moment she looked pathetic and I knew this went beyond a grouchy, emotional, aging mother.

She recently sent me an email of all the things I've done wrong, she started listing things from over four years ago. This email arrived during what I thought was a good period of time in our relationship. I was reaching out to her to come visit when suddenly I get the list of how shitty I make her feel. How lonely she is, how I hardly see her, my children are ungrateful, how much time she thinks I spend with others instead of her, she puts herself out for me and I do nothing. It's like the twilight zone. I always call, send texts, visit, plan lunches and dinners and guess what? It's not good enough. What would be good enough? She moves in with me, I'm her constant companion? If I did that, it still wouldn't be good enough! Like illogical wrote, she keeps moving the goalposts.

I keep in mind that a loving mother wouldn't treat her child this way. Mine thought listing all the supposed awful things I've done to deeply hurt her would make me snap to attention and I'd zoom over to her house to rub her back. It didn't work that way.

I'm a good person, a great daughter and I don't deserve her terrible treatment. You don't deserve your mom's bad treatment either. I don't know how much good a letter would do. She isn't going to see your point of view. Mine sure didn't. Lessening contact is so important. Keep reading and posting here.

We understand. 

[Indivisible]

Hi MyLifeToo; that's such a perfect name - "mylifetoo".  Growing up with PD parents and others we are not taught that we are worthy of having our own lives.  Several things in your post really hit home with me.  You talked about  your moral self. I can so relate to this. I am just coming Out of the FOG, but I think I've set this really super high not really human moral bar for myself. It's like I feel I should take care of the ills of the people of the world. My mother was not like your mother, however, I became enmeshed with a covert N at my former place of work. I knew that something was not quite right,  but I didn't know anything about PD's at that time. I can tell you that she was very manipulative. And that she worked hard to have other people take care of her. So, here's a coworker - not even a blood relative - and I get conned into taking care of her.  I used to do her work for her. She had many others at the office that would do her job for her. I can just so relate to the feelings of panic that you're experiencing from going NC with your M.   For me, I was going through PTSD from my job, but I didn't realize it until I started working with a therapist. So, here are some things that have helped me: one thing my therapist taught me is called orienting.   I'm not sure if there are other names for it. Basically, orientating, is taking time out in a quiet place away from TV devices etc. and just allowing your eyes to roam around the room or wherever you are and letting your eyes choose  what they want to look at. Just let your thoughts come and go. It sounds kind of goofy but it really does work to help calm the nervous system. Learning about and educating myself about PD's has also been very eye-opening. I heard one description that a narcissist used to describe the people in their life as appliances. Appliances serve to provide energy and narcissistic supply. So, it's like PD's need supply - it's not really about developing and maintaining relationships. I don't know whether or not your M has any resources: it sounds as if she needs medical attention.   It sounds like she is working you for her narcissistic supply rather than seeking out the medical attention she needs so that she can feel better and live her life.  As a good child, you don't want your parent to suffer, but your mother shouldn't expect you to take care of her.  I hope that your journey becomes easier and less stressful. You are not alone :-) our hearts are with you because we know how you feel. Good luck and peace.

[MyLifeToo]

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies, it feels so good to be able to share with people who really know what all this c**p feels like. Sad that we have to put up with it though 

Quick update, she phoned, very humble, wanted to know what she's done or said to upset me. I said I didn't really want to talk about it because she'd tell me I was lying again. I told her she'd changed and was so critical and blaming etc. (She's always been like it to a degree, but has changed in the frequency and intensity of the attacks). As predicted she denied it all, but I did get a sense that she was thinking about it this time. I also told her I wasn't well this week, which gave her a get out of jail free card. Obviously, in her mind, as I'm not well, I'm overreacting and nothing is her fault! The first part of that sentence may be true, but not the last part, lol. Well, I feel so exhausted that mc and gray rock are actually fairly easy today - long may that last.

I guess I've just been hoovered again. I can't imagine I'll ever go nc, but I really must try to be more assertive and not absorb all the barbs she throws at me. I need to be able to see her as an overgrown toddler having a tantrum and just laugh it off. I did it with my kids, but oh boy is it hard when it's your elderly mother!