Career Goals and Learned Helplessnes

[Concerned One]

Dear All,

Having been set up for failure by my parents, I left school with minimal to no education. I managed to scrape a third-rate degree and even a Masters but the subjects weren't very user-friendly - Arts rather than STEM.

Anyway, I've been in the same job for the past 13 years almost. It's also a toxic and psychologically abusive environment (govt healthcare ironically). My mother has always told me to stay despite knowing how unhappy it makes me and she was always making me aware that we are all one paycheck away from being homeless.

Anyway, once again they have underpaid me this month and it's very hard to believe that they are not doing this on purpose. This is not the first time I have been underpaid and my manager explicitly told me to my face I am overqualified and should leave.

Like my family, I want out. It's toxic and bad for my health. HOwever I have developed a sense of learned helplessness  when it comes to work I've always taken the first thing that comes my way, or generally dead end jobs.

I have difficulty in knowing my own worth and value.

PLus this coronavirus thing hasn't helped matters.

How did you deal with this and get yourselves on your feet so you didn't have to worry about homelessness?

[GettingOOTF]

This is one of those situations where you to have to suck it up and "fake it until you make it".

I also was raised with zero expectations. I don't even have a degree. My company is known for hiring the smartest people in the world and I've found a decent level of success there which is crazy.

I had to come to see that I was there because I brought something to the table every single day. It took me a really long time to see that though. It also took me a really long time to see I deserved a seat at that table rather than in the underpaid junior roles I was in for most of my career.

A lot of it comes down to confidence and believing in yourself which is hard for everyone here. When I started working on myself I looked at people who were where I've wanted to be and I started doing what they were doing. For me that was losing weight and getting into shape, learning how to dress and wear makeup. I didn't wear heels or makeup until my 40s. I leaned to step away from the drama that constantly surrounded me, I cut negative and toxic people out of my life. Instead of complaining about the situation I made changes. At work I spoke up and presented my ideas instead of keeping quite. I have great ideas and they got noticed. Now I have a seat at that table.

It took a lot of drastic change. It didn't happen overnight and I'm still worried that one day everyone will see I don't belong where I am, but that is what I tell myself not what others see.

You really can have the life you want. It takes basically burning down everything in your current life. Not many people are prepared to do that but it's so worth it and it's really the only way to change the path we were conditioned to walk.

[Concerned One]

At work I spoke up and presented my ideas instead of keeping quite. I have great ideas and they got noticed. Now I have a seat at that table.

I tend to keep quiet, as I didn't know how to manage my emotions and would react instead of respond.

What ideas did you speak up about and present?

[GettingOOTF]

They were about how we could improve processes or introduce new products. I took a look at what everyone was doing, saw where I thought we could have the bigger impact, came up with a plan, did the research and pitched it. It was not a glamours thing, it was a $hit ton of work on my part. Then I built on that. It was a fight to get heard and taken seriously but now I have a reputation for being a problem solver and people come to me to take care of things no one else in the  company can.

You have to figure out what you want and then find a way to make it happen. None of it happens overnight and it’s a hustle everyday. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

And learning to regulate my emotions was really the first step. No one wants to listen to someone who is reactive all the time. Again this is one of those things where I looked at how other people behaved and modeled my behavior on theirs. I saw how when they don’t agree with someone they didn’t argue and how everyone was given a chance to speak before being cut down. People didn’t take things personally or if they did they didn’t show it in the office. 

[Concerned One]

Ok. Yes learning to regulate the emotions is first on the list. Listening to the messages rather than running away from them or projecting them on others. Thanks for the advice.

[GettingOOTF]

What I should have said first was that leaving my abusive marriage as the number one thing I did. I couldn’t have built the confidence and self-worth I currently have while being torn down every day my my ex.

Leaving that marriage allowed me to finally see my worth and start to undo a life time’s worth of negative programming.

[Concerned One]

What I should have said first was that leaving my abusive marriage as the number one thing I did. I couldn't have built the confidence and self-worth I currently have while being torn down every day my my ex.

Leaving that marriage allowed me to finally see my worth and start to undo a life time's worth of negative programming.

Yes. I left my family so that's the hardest part done.

Now I'm working on healing and listening to those internal messages instead of shoving them down far below like I've been trained to do.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm actually still in my marriage, but my workplace isn't toxic, and here I have ever so slowly learned to speak up, and to take more of a leadership role. I am heavily backed by my superior. I must do my own work, though, and believe in myself, and that I have value and worthy contributions. It continues to bè amazing every time somebody listens to me, and thoughtfully considers what I say, but each time it happens, it lends strength.
I think if one place isn't toxic, you can hit the other.