Being happy

[monamurre]

My mom is uBPD with a sort of depressive/victim presentation. I was her only child and my dad exited the household when I was 7. So, I had a pretty undiluted dose of her catastrophizing and projecting doom and gloom for years. All of this continued well into adulthood and after I started my own family, in part, because as she got older her neediness seemed more justifiable. I recently had the "light bulb" moment where I realized the undiagnosed BPD was a huge part of all my interactions with her and instrumental is shaping a fairly skewed world view I was still carrying around. This felt both freeing and disorienting. I am still getting my bearings on who I am and what I want.

I'm finding that the simple act of being happy feels gloriously rebellious! You weren't aloud to be happy or carefree in my house growing up. It was mocked and shut down quickly and cruelly sometimes. I'm realizing that I spent years essentially "spoiling for a fight", looking for the next someone or something that was going to piss me off. I thought that was just how you rolled in life. 

Somehow in the fog of all this I did create a pretty good life. But I found that I had a really hard time enjoying it. Middle class angst, I wondered? Midlife crisis, I mused? Normal reaction to a crazy world perhaps? Then this realization about mom, and our relationship happened. I can't explain how surreal it feels to take that whole persona/set of behaviors off like a muddy coat, leave it at the door, and go through my day (even the stressful bits) with some modicum of joy. I'm realizing that most of that expectation of hurt, and all the defensive anger that had to be expended to protect against it....wasn't mine. I was copying good old ma and living in a world she created.

I'm not sure yet what other changes I might initiate. But, it is luxurious to just be happy, for a change.

[Jolie40]

But, it is luxurious to just be happy, for a change.

good for you; that is wonderful to hear!


today I sat on porch with husband, child, & puppy
we soaked in the sun, felt the breeze, and I was thankful for those moments

whenever we can, it is good to be in the present & stay out of the past