Befriending your friends

[Phoenix Rising]

Perhaps not a common behaviour but does anyone have insight on this? For example: You stop acting as a supply source/cut ties and the PD starts to seek friendships with your friends - whom they never tried to befriend in the past. 

[GettingOOTF]

My ex did that when I left him. I cut contact with those friends.

Honestly anyone who knew what he did and still wanted to be his friend had no place in my new life.

[BeautifulCrazy]

My best friend has had a couple N boyfriends who did this post-breakup. For a NPD, I think it's about maintaining ties for future hoovering, and possibly for recruiting flying monkeys.
Not all PDs do this the same way, or for the same reasons though.
My husband is doing this right now. My friends and acquaintances, whom he has relentlessly trashed talked for 8 months, are suddenly uPDh's favourite people on social media. He "likes", "follows", leaves nice comments and asks them a lot of questions, some of which are about me.
I am doing MC as best I can at home and even Grey Rocking at times, preparing for my escape. I have been teaching the kids a bit of MC too, so his supply really is quite diminished but I don't think that has any part in his motivations.
For my h, who I suspect has OCPD, it's about control... keeping tabs on me, and using anything he finds against me. He acts like he knows much more than he does about me and my relationships with my friends. He tries to manipulate me, make me fearful and tries to make it look to others like I am the crazy / paranoid / jealous person. He tells me, "Oh, don't worry, I KNOW what you've been up to." or, "Your friend (name) tells me all about it." He extrapolates (invents crap) based on pics and comments posted to Facebook. Then he weaponizes it against me so I don't trust my friends. Often it is pure BS to scare me from social contact or make me feel isolated because everyone's his friend, not mine. And of course, I look exactly as paranoid or guilty as he says I am if I ask anyone if they told him things about me. Yuk. It's creepy and disgusting. I'm not getting caught in the traps he's setting this time though. After I got back with him, I kept everyone left in my inner circle aware of what was going on. Abuse thrives in dark and fear.
As soon as I decided I was leaving, I went NC with any friends or acquaintances I couldn't trust 300% not to share information about me. Some of my friends have blocked my ex online already. The remaining are only posting carefully curated information and are not responding to his comments or questions so I know exactly how much of what my h says is baloney. Once I leave, everyone will block him. Game over.

[Phoenix Rising]

I had an exNPD who did more of a smear campaign after I left him but the recipients were mutual friends. We were both friends with them before the relationship. I ended up just blocking them after the exN started a custody case. I don't think they were malicious or believed him but I needed to protect myself and my kids.

The situation I'm in now seems a bit different because the sus NPD/ASPD person has been trying all kinds of ways to push my buttons and get me to contact him. Now I find out he has become friends with a friend of mine who also a professional working friend. We also engage in the same hobbies together. He has nothing in common other than music with this friend and he never tried until now. I am weary to associate or work with her now or to even go to her establishment. I have never discussed the relationship with her or with anyone new I meet. Certainly hesitant to do that now because I'd probably look crazy.

Really appreciate the responses cause I have discussed the current situation with my husband and a friend.. my husband didn't see anything wrong or that it could be a PD behaviour

[No.]

My Nm did this years ago when she felt me slipping away. Then, later when I went NC, she almost immediately joined the church I had attended for several years just before I moved away (mainly to distance myself from her). I felt like my boundaries were totally violated, even though to anyone else they just thought aw, she joined a church. How nice. It even fooled GCs.

She then, in one of her hoovers, mentioned how after sharing with her bible study, they learned they ALL have such "hardships and difficulties" to deal with, and if Im not able to forgive, then she'll just give all her love to the church.  I know some of the people in there, and others are moms of my friends. So, yeah, I think if she had any boundaries, she could have found a different church to join.

It's funny, when I joined that church she told me how close-minded I must be.  Now, the once a year she sends a card, there is direct or indirect judgement and "lecture" about forgiveness and god, etc. Like I need a lecture from her. I had to listen for years about the beliefs of her girlfriends', and now she is church-like because her husband is. I would say I don't know her heart, and maybe I don't. But I know how she treats me. I'm not church-like and it's been a long time since I attended, but I feel like she is soul-stalking me.

[Whiteheron]

Yes, but in my case, he tried to offer them work with his company. Two of my closest friends. He interviewed them and everything. Got angry at me when I didn't ask how their interviews went: "don't you even care about your friends?!?!" He was astounded I didn't fall all over myself trying to figure out what he was up to and if these friends of mine decided to do work for him (as "contractors"). He dropped it soon after that. One friend declined working for him (he wanted to be her exclusive client - she wasn't willing to tie her entire business to someone so volatile - she sees him for what he is), not sure if the other friend is doing any work for him or not - because it's not my business! She doesn't bring it up and I don't ask.

This was a calculated move on his part - I was in full MC/greyrock mode, he was having serious mental issues. I was disgusted and saw right through him.

I must have really let him down at a time he was desperate to keep me tied to him.

[Adria]

Yes, my sister did that to me.  She started befriending people that had really hurt me in my life.  It was quite disturbing. I couldn't wrap my head around it.  Realizing her anti-social behavior now, it makes sense, but still hurtful and hard to believe that someone in your own family could do such a thing.  She has been out of my life for nearly 30 years and that's okay with me.

[clara]

My uNPD exh tried to do this with several of my friends after we split up.  People he had nothing to do with prior to our divorce.  He wanted them "on his side" when it came to getting what he wanted out of me, mainly acknowledgement that I was wrong to leave him and that anything he asked for he deserved as the "wronged party."  It was definitely a recruitment effort for flying monkeys.  He did the same with some members of my family.

None of them fell for it and told me about what he was doing (or told me some time after).  Being NPD, he thought he was so clever and subtle.  I imagine he was pretty blind-sided to realize that a lot of people could see through his BS. 

[GentleSoul]

My uPD mum hooked in my brothers ex-girlfriend to be her new best friend just to get at him. Nasty behaviour.  Used to give the ex-girlfriend gifts and money and make sure to tell my brother about it.  Nasty.

Mum used to be really nasty about the girlfriend while she was with my brother.  Typical.

[Free2Bme]

Ny updxh did this when I left.  He had already secured a smear campaign with my IL's, my FOO, his work colleagues, our church leadership and certain church members, unbeknownst to me at the time.  When I left, I learned that he was working the list of everyone we knew, contacting them by phone to inform them that I had gone off my rocker and left him, smeared me, played the victim, and garnered support. 

He even called an old acquaintance of mine that was in my Mom's group years ago (where you get together weekly for a play date with your toddlers).  This family had moved out of state 13+ years prior, and he had no relationship with them at all.  He contacted my neighbors (I stayed in our home) and they told me he said that "he knew they would want to know his side of the story". Not really, according to neighbors.
Embarrassing ! 

All in all, my xH was quite successful... initially.  He had been cooking this up for years, and was able to cash in with a few sycophantic people but ultimately it seems now (after 4 years) the drama is over and people move on, even the ones who fell for it. 

I believe my xH knew he would not succeed with everyone, but if you cast the net broadly, your bound to bring something in for supper.  It's about controlling the narrative and sending as many missiles into the enemy camp as possible, he was trying to wear me down.

This was difficult to endure, it felt really unfair and still hurts at times.  I wanted to defend myself but there was not enough energy to do this, and to what end ???  Had to just let go of it all, so I went off the grid and stayed there, I have let very few back in & I'm ok with it.

[Swarley]

Oh, sure. This happened when my uNPD friend and I had a falling out; suddenly she was reaching out for "coffee" and"touching base" with friends of mine she'd had no interest in for years.

This is 1) for purposes of hoovering 2) subtle smear campaign, 3) no longer getting supply from me so is looking to get it from other nice people. TBH, I've had regrets about Introducing her to my friends for these very reasons; she does not respect boundaries and should we ever have a REAL falling out, it will make it much harder to successfully go NC.

[Bowsy26]

Mine dxnpdh didn't need me to cut off his supply in order to do this.  He did it behind my back and would try to have affairs with them.  Some he succeeded.