No change of heart

[Leonor]

Hello dear fellow OOFers,

I'm struggling so much right now.

The ILs live overseas. H is calling them every day.

I don't hear it or about it. I only know because the phone goes missing for half an hour or so.

I feel like he is kind of going along with what I am saying but at heart he's not changing the relationship with them.

I'm being humored, and it is so painful.

I would be trying to get out but now we're all immobilized.

If I say anything about it he gets really defensive and lashes out, as if he's given me enough already and I'm the one with the problem.

I am having anxiety attacks every day. I can't sleep. I am dreading going back.

I am sad because the person I talk to is my h and when I talk to him about this he changes into someone else.

I am going to get in touch with my therapist and ask for e-visits and ask h to take everyone on a walk so I can have a session without little people demanding snacks and company in the bathroom

I'm sad.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Leonor,

That is painful stuff you are feeling. There is no way around that pain.

It is very hard, what PD in laws can do to a marriage.

I am not familiar with your previous experiences regarding this. I come to your post seeing that your DH is calling his parents for about 30 minutes a day.

30 minutes is not a long time, I suppose nowadays most phone calls are way less than that but I am older and remember 2 hour phone calls with PDs. 30 minutes to check in is sonething he wants to do right now.

I can understand how hard that is for you. It would make me feel alone and angry if I was in your shoes. I would wish I had someone to call like that too. My guess is that his inability to see your emotions might be what also hurts right now. A good counsellor can help with situations like this.

It's very hard to have boundaries of our own and then respect other people's boundaries when we want to be both on the same page and we are not.

I found it extremely difficult to watch the PDs in my families get more attention than I was getting.

[Leonor]

Hello Trees and thank you!

Your post helped me very much.

I have put in place some Big Boundaries with DH and in-laws and to DH's credit he has signed on to all of them.

I know he is not sneaking around, that he is trying to check in briefly while respecting my boundary to not deal with them.

I'd love to hear from my wise fellow OOFers how you have come to accept your spouse's relationship with his parents when his parents are disordered and abusive.

Thank you again, Trees, and to everyone for reading.

[Pepin]

Sadly, we live near PDmil...such a mistake.  I have been dealing with their odd relationship for years.  However, since they do not speak in English with each other, I am unable to understand what they say...which may be a good thing -- but at the same time, I feel more isolated.  Then again, DH claims that he only knows his mother tongue at a 4th grade level so....and based on the tone PDmil uses when she speaks, I cannot believe that she really has much depth in her own language either. (!). I've given up long ago asking what it is that they talk about.  And at this point, I don't care.  In fact, I am sad for DH that he has wasted so much time on her.  He has missed out on so much.

Like your DH, mine also is highly protective of his mother.  He will defend her at all costs.  I've stopped asking anything about her.  All my comments are generally neutral facts that I bounce back to DH.  Gray rock.

The only way I have been able to get through DH and his mother's relationship is to just drop out.  If he starts a phone call with her, I leave the room as if I have something else to do.  I'll do whatever it takes to tune her out if we get together, too.  Over the years we have gone from visiting her together as a family, to just DH visiting her.  Our teens have no desire to see her.  I have no desire to see her.  And truthfully, she has never had a desire to see our kids or me.  She only wants DH.  Otherwise, she would have made more of an effort to be inclusive.  While she did attempt this when I was a new member to the family and the kids were young, she dropped everything when she became a widow and when she realized that we were no longer playing her dumb games. 

PDmil has the mentality of a child.  She cannot relate to any form of maturity.  She has lost touch with all of her grandchildren....because they have matured and grown up.  And all the spouses that have joined the family like me, have no real relationship either.  This is all her doing.  She is the center of this....because she only wants her children....and in my case, especially DH because he is the GC.

Mya advice is to live your life like she isn't there.  Your DH will eventually grow bored with her.  He will feel left out when he sees you are doing fun things without him.  Without your bringing her up, he will have to deal with her all on his own.....and I am certain over time, that he will get frustrated and he will see her for who she is.  She is his problem alone, not yours.  Focus on your family and your DH when he is present for you.  For me, this has been the only way to survive this pain.