Crazy moving plans: how long do you "go along" to "get along"?

[Mary]

My uPDh arbitrarily makes plans for the family that would involve upheaval and moving.

aka: Moving to Alaska, Moving to Australia, sell our house and live on a sailboat, current one: sell our house and live in an RV on a co-workers property so we can save money and travel the country while the kids are still home. For example, he showed the family sailing YouTubes (about 1/day) for over a year.

If I put my foot down and say, I'm not interested, he will put constant pressure on me to convince me to go along...and I think maybe I should get with the program and go along...?

If I feign half-interest, and even take a baby step towards the preparations, he's calmer and life is nicer. UNTIL push comes to shove and it's time to make the move, and then he's SO shocked and hurt that I led him along. The resulting punishment may last a couple of years.

In the mean time, there is emotional upheaval for the children (teen and pre-teen) in thinking we are moving.

Does anyone have suggestions to clarify my thinking? When I mention these plans to others, they sometimes say, "That sounds so cool!" Am I just being a stick-in-the mud?
Mary

[notrightinthehead]

That is a tough one,  you will be in trouble whatever you do.
I would tell my kids firmly that we will not move for now,  and that they need not worry until I tell them we will move. But this only will work if you have some kind of power/say in your family.
With my husband I would medium chill - gosh, you have ideas! (leave the room). -what an interesting thought! (leave the room) - whatever gave you that idea! (change topic); you get the idea.
Do not concern yourself with what others are saying. They might find the idea cool, let them do it.  If that is not for you, then it is not for you. However, you can only put your foot down, if you have some kind of control over your life. If you are completely dependent on your husband,  you might want to make a backup plan if he decides to sell your home and buy an RV.
Just remind yourself as often as you can, you are responsible for yourself and your kids. And no decision is also a decision.

[SparkStillLit]

Gee, Mary, did we pick from the same pool??
This EXACT SCENARIO!!! Right down to sailboats and such, and how I'm treated in it. I tried the same tactics. Once we even got to boxes packed and a realtor, but it was so poorly planned (and I was having to do most of the legwork, unwillingly), that it fell through. I was forcing him to do some of the stuff, but doing the things that would keep me & kids safe. The falling through was MY FAULT, of course.
Anyway, After years of this bs, I had enough. I started saying neutral stuff like how notright suggests, leaving all the work up to him (he is fulllll of bs talktalktalk but not remotely a doer), and immediately disengaging from those conversations. I think their sole purpose was to upset me and maybe for him to run away from something in his head. He can learn to manage that some other way. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in, I won't be participating in any tantrums or anything else.
Definitely reassure your kids.
I found that shutting it down and not going along in any way and throwing the whole thing back on him stopped it altogether.

[GentleSoul]

Urgh, sorry to hear this.

My uPD husband used to pull all this rubbish. I shut him down by saying pretending interest but VERY FIRMLY bouncing it back at him to do all the work and make all the decisions about it.   Then leaving the room. End of discussion!   

As he is very lazy and will not take responsibility for anything (he always needs someone else to blame!) whatever the "brilliant" idea was died a death immediately!

I think he wants to float an idea then me take it all on and do it all.  Um, no!

[BettyGray]

“Go along to get along” is a dangerous phrase. Anytime you find yourself “keeping the peace” to avoid confrontation, it has a chance of coming back to haunt you later in the form of frustration, self-criticism, or feeling your needs are not getting met. It definitely is a lose-lose situation for you, and it sounds like it’s that way for your kids, too.

The travel fantasies are very romantic, but not practical sounding. And they seem to be a form of magical thinking. It comes across as “if we move, all of our problems will go away.” And during a pandemic! Granted, it hasn’t stopped folks from moving, but still...

Also sounds as though he has a problem with long-term planning. Anyone who has ever done a big move or lifestyle change (or several at once) knows it’s mostly hard work, and not at all romantic. Never a decision to be taken lightly. And because it’s such a huge amount of work, everyone needs to be on board with the situation and have a say, or it will be a nightmare with long term repercussions.

I don’t think you are being a stick in the mud. I think you are being realistic and concerned for your kids future. That makes you a good mom.  My family moved when I was halfway through 8th grade. I had no say, it was just happening. I had to give up my friends, a school I loved, familiarity and comfort. In my opinion, that age is the absolute worst to put the kids through a big change of life like the ones he suggests. Not to mention their lives have already been disrupted over the last year. A year they won’t get back.

Being the new kid is never fun. And that was just going to a new house. Going from a land-based life to a life on the ocean is like visiting Mars as far as they’re concerned. Alaska? It takes a certain type of grit to live there. Sure, Australia sounds like a blast, but they would have to get used to a new culture, and celebrating Christmas (assuming you do) in the summer.

If you want to see how serious he is about this, tell him you want to see a solid plan, on paper, of how he is going to achieve each goal. He will need to account for moving expenses, selling your house, travel, finding a new house, which schools your kids would attend, etc. Have him describe what role he would expect you to  take, and which part would be his responsibility.

The more work each turns into, the less he will be interested. This isn’t just his decision to make. It’s going to affect all of you in significant ways. Right now, in general, kids need stability. Their lives have been upended, as have ours. Nobody knows what is going to happen. Ripping them out of one unpredictable situation into another is just going to further destabilize them. Teens are sensitive and insecure. He is suggesting more insecurity while showing no regard to how they'll receive the fallout.

If I feign half-interest, and even take a baby step towards the preparations, he's calmer and life is nicer. UNTIL push comes to shove and it's time to make the move, and then he's SO shocked and hurt that I led him along. The resulting punishment may last a couple of years. 

I found this paragraph very disturbing. A couple of years?  What is the punishment? May I ask? Silent-treatment or something more sinister?

Other people have no bearing on your decision, or at least, they shouldn’t. Of course these plans sound fun - ON PAPER!! And with everyone stuck at home and bored, who wouldn’t find the idea of having an adventure appealing?

Don’t doubt yourself. Your intuition is strong, and that should drown out the noise of those trying to convince you that you’re the problem. Anyone who makes you doubt yourself is stirring the pot - for whatever reason. This whole thing seems very controlling and manipulative.

Stand firm in your convictions. I am not familiar with your situation, but I have found that there are worse things than confrontation. You just have to know how to not turn a confrontation into a screaming match. Ultimately you are standing up for yourself and what you believe in. All it took for me to overcome a lifetime  of “going along to get along”, “keeping the peace’s “not rocking the boat,” was for me to understand none of those tactics had positive effects on me. They just made me feel weaker and killed my self esteem. I had a big confrontation with my MIL a few years back when she just one day pushed too far. I had just HAD it and something in me took over and OWNED that confrontation. Even took me by surprise. I haven’t been scared of confrontation ever since. It felt empowering and restored - and even bolstered-  the self esteem that had eroded away in the years of “toe-ing the line.”

[ShyTurtle]

It sounds to me like some boundaries could help...like howvould you meet him halfway? Maybe as long as the kids are home, plan a yearly  rv/sailboat/whatever vacation together? That way you could test out the lifestyle and learn the pros and cons and how-tos without the long term commitment. Who knows, maybe those 1 or 2 weeks will be enough to convince him he doesn't even like it? Or maybe that you love it? Boundaries and a timeline can be great for everyone - this way, you can still show your support of his interests without dismissing them.